Chapter 27

27

Perrie

Tears fall as I kick the bag then punch it, left then right, in quick jabs.

I shouldn’t have run out of Ollie’s in the middle of the night. I should have woken him up, but I panicked.

Bile burns my throat, but I swallow it down, hitting the bag harder.

He’s home, he came back to me, and we had the perfect reunion. My whole body is sore, but in a delicious way, and seeing him proved how much I truly love him.

I felt whole, and yet here I am, at Halliwell’s gym, at half past two in the morning, crying my eyes out while hitting the bag.

Austin runs over to me, tackling me to the ground before I can even swing my fist, and I grunt at the impact. He’s suddenly sitting on my upper back, pressing my hands above my head, and he chuckles. “Not so fucking tough now, are you bitch?”

I blink, my heart pounding, my knuckles hurting, but my movements quicken, needing to forget.

Austin’s grip tightens as his brother removes my shorts and panties, and I kick out, screaming, hoping to knock him off and get someone’s attention.

“Stop, please stop,” I beg with a sob as I hit the bag harder, the memories pulling me.

I bite him hard as I kick my legs, making him growl and grab my hair, lift my head, before slamming it on the concrete floor. I groan in pain as Franky parts my legs and thrusts inside me. Sharp shooting pain hits, and I scream out again, Austin once again covering my mouth.

“Fuck, Aus, she’s a virgin, or was….” Franky laughs, and tears fall as he thrusts into my dry entrance, taking my virginity.

I feel Franky come inside me, and everything in me stills as my horror takes over.

My breathing gets heavy. A perfect night with the man I have loved since before I even grew breasts, and I wake to the memories, the nightmares.

I could feel their hands on me again, the pain as they tore through my innocence.

God, I just don’t understand why I’m having them again. I didn’t panic having Ollie’s weight on me, I didn’t even flinch when he came inside me. So why the stupid nightmares?

“Fuck, you have to feel how tight she is, brother; her blood coating your cock is an amazing feeling.” Franky grunts, and I thrash again, not willing to allow it to happen again.

I squeeze my eyes tight and fall into the bag, hugging it, my tears uncontrollable.

When I woke up, breathing hard and sweaty, I was still on top of Ollie, his member still inside me, and I carefully climbed off him before bile rose, and I realized we never talked.

He’s told me so much of his childhood, his trauma, and yet he has no idea I was a cutter, that I had an abortion….

Maybe it was my subconscious that caused the nightmares, because I hadn’t told Ollie the truth.

I ended up running into his bathroom, only to slip and cut my arm on the corner of the counter. The pain made the bile dissipate, and the pull to grab something sharp consumed me, so I panicked.

I quickly grabbed my gym gear, which was still in the messed-up kitchen, and ran.

Franky grins down at me as his brother rapes me hard and fast, brutally thrusting as punishment, and I go still, my body going cold, allowing them to get it over with, already feeling the wetness that I can only assume is blood on my thighs.

I grip the bag, my breathing becoming erratic. Compared to Ollie, I had it easy, yet I ran out on him.

Oh God, what is wrong with me?

“You and your sister…you’re my greatest achievements…I love you…” Dad croaks before his eyes close, and I can no longer feel his pulse. I scream before pressing my palms against his chest, trying to do CPR.

My tears fall harder as I look at the spot where Dad died. I miss him so much. He’d know what to do right now, how to help me.

My body shakes as years of suppressed emotions hit me hard.

I wanted to cut again…I still want to cut….

I can feel the sting in my arm; it’s calling me, and the voices are telling me just one little scratch won’t hurt, that it’ll stop the pain.

My eyes travel to the desk where I know there’s a small blade.

I squeeze my eyes tight again before punching the bag, my sobs wracking my body.

I’m pathetic….

“Perrie!” I hear shouted, but I ignore it and hit the bag harder. I feel pain shoot through my hand, but I continue hitting the bag left, right, left, right, before arms wrap around me from behind. His woodsy scent fills my senses, and I melt into Ollie, not surprised he found me.

“Breathe, Tinker, breathe for me, sweetheart,” he rasps against my ear, and my body shakes. My nails dig into his forearms, and he gently guides me away from the bag.

Slowly, he lowers us to the ring floor, setting me between his legs, and I lean against him, giving him my weight.

“Talk to me, Tinker…” he pleads as my tears fall.

He deserves the truth. He's going through therapy just because he wants me; I just hope he still wants me after my truths.

I sniffle and admit, “After Dad died, I accidentally cut my thigh. I was in so much pain, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, yet that one little cut s-silenced everything….”

His arms tighten around me, and he confirms gently, “You were a cutter?”

I nod once. “I was. Cass had found out and forced me to the gym, but it didn’t work, and I continued behind her back.” I sniffle. “After Dad died, I promised Cass I wouldn’t fight anymore, but then she left, and I couldn’t breathe, so I went to The Fight, and I realized fighting took away the urge to cut, and I stopped, but the urges hit sometimes.”

Ollie presses his lips against my neck, and asks in a whisper, “What happened tonight, sweetheart?”

My tears fall fast, and I admit, “I had a nightmare about them , and when I woke up, I knew I was safe; I knew I was with you, but then I panicked because-because I knew you didn’t know everything. I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom and slipped, cutting my arm, and then I-I….”

I can’t finish my sentence, I'm too ashamed, so he does it for me, rasping, “You had the urge to cut?”

I nod with a sob. “And it scared me. I’ve been hitting the bag, but the feeling consumes me.”

“Fuck, Tinker…. You should have woken me,” he says calmly. I shake my head.

“No, I couldn’t. I-I I’m not a good person, Ol,” I admit, and he turns me in his arms, lifting me so I can straddle him. His eyes are hard, a scowl in place, and I sniffle. “After the rape, I-I had found out I was pregnant….”

His body tenses, his jaw locked.

“I wanted to die when I had found out,” I admit. “I went to the hospital and spent four hours convincing them I didn’t need therapy, just a termination. I wasn’t strong enough to have it. I’m not a good person.” I sob.

Ollie grips my cheeks, wiping away the fallen tears, and growls, “You’re the best fucking person I know, do you hear me? You going through with a termination, that makes you strong because I know your beliefs about that. I am so fucking proud of you, Perrie. As for not telling me, I understand, just like how you understood why I couldn’t tell you my past. It’s not something you can just blurt out.”

I cry, “But I’m broken, Ol. I couldn’t even have sex in any position other than standing and bending over. I couldn’t let anyone put their hands in the back of my hair, and I couldn’t even orgasm. And the thought of letting someone come inside me, even with a condom on, sent me into a panic. I spent years trying to get better, to overcome it, but nothing worked….”

“Good!” he snaps, and my eyes widen in shock, but he just smirks. “That means your first orgasm was mine!” I snort at his Alpha male words, and he just shrugs, admitting, “I don’t care how that shit sounds. It means all the best positions are mine because you are mine.” He gently pecks my lips. “Trauma is a motherfucker, Tinker, but together, we’ll get through it. You trust me, sweetheart, because despite our first time at the diner, every other time I’ve come inside you without a condom. I know you’re on the pill, but you trust me….”

“With my life,” I admit, and he smiles.

“Exactly. I love you, Perrie, and the only thing that helps me get up in the mornings is you, always fucking you, my brave, kind-hearted woman. And next time you have a nightmare, the next time you have the urge to cut, you fucking call me, or you wake me up—I don’t give a shit what time it is. We’ll get through our pasts together because, for me, I can’t do it any other way. I need you, Perrie.”

I sob as I move my fingers into his hair, gripping it.

“I love you,” I whisper, and he holds me tighter.

“Not as much as I love you,” he replies, and I choke out a chuckle.

Gently, Ollie kisses my lips and whispers, “Let’s go home, Tinker.” He stands with me in his arms, and I don’t argue. Instead, I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck as I place my face into his chest, closing my eyes, happy he came after me, calming me, because he’s just proved we can do this, we can heal together.

“Hey, Tinker?” he asks as he locks the gym with me still in his arms.

“Hmmm,” I reply.

“How’d you get to the gym when your car is at the club?” he demands to know, and I wince, leaning up a little to give him a sheepish smile.

“So, when I jumped the fence and ran to the gym, I may have completely missed my Mustang at the clubhouse.”

Ollie narrows his eyes as he sets me into his truck, and states, “Hope you're not fucking tired, Tinker, because I’m going to fucking punish you….”

I feel my cheeks heat, and he chuckles, then kisses me lightly, before buckling me in and shutting the door, all while I squeeze my legs together; something I’ve never had to do before. Suddenly, I’m excited to be punished.

Ollie climbs in the truck and starts it before grabbing my hand. I scoot over the bench seat and place my head on his shoulder, feeling content. The urge to cut has well and truly passed.

This man consumes me, takes away my pain, and honestly, I think we’re going to be okay, or so I hope….