38. Chapter 30

I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with you.

I have no clue how I didn't throw myself in Josh's arms after he said those words. My heart nearly leaped out of my chest; my entire body went limp, and my heart screamed ‘yes'!

Then a big stop sign appeared, followed by a big ol' danger sign; memories of my parents" funeral and my life without them flooded me.

Loving someone that much means the eventuality of losing them. That fear alone is enough to paralyze me and stop me from doing anything. But how long am I going to live like this? I want to have what my parents had, what Uncle Rich and Aunt Marie have, what Dennis and Lynnette have. Still, I will never have it if I can't let go of this irrational fear that makes me shut people out when I'm presented with an opportunity to have it.

These conflicting emotions are driving me insane. I need to talk to someone. I need to figure out how to let myself take a chance when it comes to love. If I don't, I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I will be safe from the pain of loss, but not sharing my life with someone I love is a more significant hurt than actually loving and losing.

I grab my keys and head out the door. When I pull up in front of my aunt and uncle's I smile. These two have been the best surrogate parents I could have ever hoped for. Unable to have children, they were contemplating adoption when I came into their lives. I am sorry for the other child who missed having them as parents, but I am so grateful I didn't.

"Hello," I call out as I walk through the front door.

"Brie? Is that you?" I hear Aunt Marie respond from the living room. I walk in just as she puts down a book she was reading and pushes up from her chair. When she looks at my face, she frowns. "Is everything okay?"

The tears I've been holding back finally fall down my face, and I rush over to her. She wraps her arms around me and starts rocking me back and forth, murmuring soothing words in my ear. I remember the last time this happened. It was the first moment that it finally hit me that I was never going to see my parents again.

My grieving process was not pretty, and I was so very angry that my parents left me. Everything felt unfair. Uncle Rich and Aunt Marie were firm but gentle. They never stopped keeping rules in place; they just let me rant and rage. Finally, one day the dam just broke, and I couldn't stop the flood that poured from my eyes. Aunt Marie just held me.

Like she is now, as the tears flow, I feel safe and loved in this woman's arms. I may not have grown up with my parents, but my parents made sure I had the next best thing to having them in my life.

"What do I do?" I mumble through the tears. "I'm so afraid."

Aunt Marie steps back and leads me to sit down on the couch. She then gently pushes my hair back and looks at me. "What are you afraid of?"

I wipe the wetness from my face. "Being left alone," I whisper.

"Brie, honey." She kisses me on the cheek. "I know if your parents could've done anything, they would've chosen to stay with you, but they didn't have that choice. They would've never left you intentionally. They loved you way too much."

I take a deep breath and feel the tears welling in my eyes again, letting her words fill me.

"The truth is people don't get to make those decisions. As people, we are also going to make plenty of mistakes. No one is perfect. You have to ask yourself whether you want to live a full life or a safe one?"

I draw my eyebrows together as I try to understand what she's saying. She pushes my hair and tucks it behind my ear, keeping her hand on my cheek.

"Life is a risk. Everything about it: you are born so that you can die. Nothing else."

"That's not helpful." I chuckle at her and wipe my nose.

"I know, but it's true." She laughs at me. "The part you get to choose is the in-between. Do you want to live life to the fullest, which involves some pain, or do you want to play it safe, which will involve a different sort of pain? You can't have the fullness that life offers if you aren't willing to accept the pain that will come with it. You must know you can experience more than one emotion at a time."

"Now you've lost me." I shake my head at her, having no idea what she's talking about.

"Do you remember that first Christmas without your parents? You were just beginning to be happy again."

"Yes," I whisper as I recall the moment she's talking about. It was Christmas morning. Aunt Marie and Uncle Rich went all out. When I saw the tree and all the presents I felt elated. Christmas had always been my favorite; it was my mom's too. All of a sudden I started crying. I was immediately wrapped up and hugged tightly. "You told me that mom would want me to be happy. She would want me to love this time of year and that being happy and sad at the same time is okay, but not to stop feeling joy because I thought I should be sad."

"Exactly." Her eyes are shiny as she smiles at me. "This is another moment for you, Brie. I've watched you push people away your entire life so you wouldn't get hurt when they left you. Josh is different. You already let Josh in long ago because you weren't trying to protect yourself from him.

The truth of what she's saying cocoons me in a blanket of warmth. As the realization that I let Josh in a long time ago sinks in, I now understand why I'm so conflicted.

"You can feel fear and joy at the same time, Brie. You will feel fear and joy at the same time. But you're finally coming to understand now that just because you shut your feelings off to protect yourself doesn't mean that the pain won't get you."

Everything she's saying is everything I've been coming to see as truth. But that wall of fear is so big and overwhelming that I don't know how to knock it down.

"I don't know how to move forward," I say, looking at my folded hands.

She puts her hand under my chin and lifts my face up to meet her gaze. "Sure you do. That's the easy part. The hard part is overcoming the fear that keeps you stuck. You can trust yourself, Brie. And you can trust those around you."

With her fingers still on my chin, I'm reminded of Josh doing the same thing. Warmth spreads through my body at the realization that he has always taken care of me, but I just never understood it as that.

I put my hand on her wrist and gently squeeze. "Thank you, Aunt Marie. I love you."

"I love you too, my girl." She wraps her arms around me, pulls me in close, and rocks me back and forth. When she stops and pulls away, I laugh at the expression on her face.

"So what are you going to do? Are you going to continue just to be a lonely cheese or are you going to choose to be #Briosh?" She wiggles her eyebrows, and I groan.

"Ugh, I will never get used to that nickname."

My phone vibrates, and then Aunt Marie's chimes.

Susie: You have to read this! link to Tea Time>

I click it and start reading; a smile spreads across my face, and for the first time in almost a week I feel the heaviness I've been carrying lift.

"Well, well," Aunt Marie muses. "Looks like #Briosh is back on." She wiggles her eyebrows at me again, and I throw my head back and laugh.

"I haven't decided anything yet." But I can't stop the smile splitting my face from getting bigger.

"Sure you haven't." She winks and then hugs me.

"Thank you," I whisper as I squeeze her tight.

"Anytime, my darling girl." She pulls back and looks me in the eyes. "Now go get that man of yours."