Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

Deacon

I had expected to feel catastrophically depressed after Sarah and Jac left, but all I felt was a dull numbness, like the world had grown colder. My consort has left me . The more I thought about it, the more numb I became.

There were few Ladrians I knew who had been left like that, and the rarity of the occurrence made me feel all the more alone. Like I had no one to turn to for advice or comfort.

I stumbled out of Allegiant and through Father’s flower patch. Their pale blue color was a contrast against the dark green of their stems and leaves. The flowers had a six-pointed star shape to them. No fragrance to speak of, but lovely all the same. I wondered how beautiful Sarah would have looked, had I pinned one behind her ear. It would have suited her, and with that thought, my numbness was displaced by the sting of regret.

“You like the flowers?” Father asked from his front door.

I nodded. “They’re very nice.”

My father glanced beyond me. “Jac’s ship is gone—did he head off on a mission?”

I sighed. “Yes. He is taking Sarah back to Earth.”

“Is she alright?” he asked in genuine concern. “The coma—”

“She’s fine. Physically,” I assured him. “But what happened with Mother Portend, and the battle with the conduits, it was all too much for her to manage. I…I made a mistake, Father. I never should have taken her. Not here or anywhere else. It was wrong of me. And I should not have forced her to unite with me before I knew more about her. I was a fool.” I shook my head in disgust.

He walked straight to me and glared. “Do not ever speak of my son that way in my presence.”

I almost smiled at the correction. “But it’s true. Father, I stole her from her home on Earth to bring her here to help our cause—”

“We used to steal humans all the time,” he said, shrugging a ghostly shoulder. “It was our way.”

“It is not my way. Not anymore. Uniting with her was foolish—”

“Deacon,” my father said sternly. “You are not a fool. You do not do things for foolish reasons. You did what you did because you thought you were doing the right thing for your family. I understand that, and I am sure she does, too.”

I rubbed my fingers across my forehead. “She seemed to understand why I did what I did. At the end.”

“Did you mistreat her, Son?”

I straightened at the question. “Outside of taking her from Earth against her will, I tried to treat her with the utmost respect.”

He nodded along. “I was impressed by Sarah. She was very brave to offer to take Jac’s place knowing that it would most likely cost her her life. And she was quick-witted enough to upset Mother Portend by cutting her off when she was about to make her big speech.” Father chuckled at that. “I will not forget the look on the crone’s face when Sarah did that. It was good to see that old woman put in her place, even if just by a little.”

As a ghost himself, my father’s words and praise surprised me. “You did not respect Mother Portend before the fight?”

He looked aghast. “She was a self-important manipulator who used the conduits like her own militia. Halla is safer without her. Once the remainder of the conduits are hunted down and disposed of, we will all be safer for the time being.”

I frowned, suspecting there was more that my father was not telling me. “I know they have not been the only threat here, but I do not know much more than that. Who else has caused you troubles?”

“I am fortunate to live where I do—far away from Faithless,” he said, mentioning a name I’d never heard before. “No one else has caused me trouble, though I do expect trouble down the road.”

“Faithless?” I asked as I sat down wearily on the stone bench outside his house. “What is that?”

“I don’t want to trouble you, Son, you have enough to—”

“Father,” I demanded. “Speak the truth.”

He huffed. “Do you remember Rex Terian?”

That name was a cold knife in my chest. “Yes.”

“Faithless is a territory on the other side of Halla,” he explained. “It is eight days’ walk from here, thankfully. Faithless is as described— without the faith . It is a decrepit, corrupt city. There are no temples there, and when the conduits tried to assert their authority in the area, they were brutally rebuffed. Of all the Ladrians to run it—

“Rex?” I guessed, still feeling a chill at the name.

Father nodded once. “He has fallen from a life as the favored son of a classed family to something of a power hungry bastard warlord, if the rumors are true. He is ruthless and cruel and sadistic and it’s only a matter of time before he will wreak havoc on planets outside of Faithless, including ours.”

I shuddered at the thought. As much as it had crushed me to watch Sarah leave, a part of me was relieved she was no longer on Halla and in harm’s way. “Then Sarah will be safer on Earth.” Because if Rex Terian ever found out who Sarah was and what she was truly capable of—

“It was the fight with the conduits that sent her back, right?” Father asked.

“I believe so, yes.”

His eyes crinkled with his smile. “You did right by her, as much as your circumstances would allow, and you have nothing to regret,” he said in an attempt to soothe my conscience. “And now, you are no longer united and single.”

“I may be no longer united, but there are many things I regret.” Rex Terian being a major one .

“Regret is something we have in common. The fight with the conduits was a messy thing, and considering Sarah’s injuries and what could have happened to her, it makes sense for her to leave. I do not like that she left you behind, but I understand why she did it. Mortal fear is a powerful motivation.”

My jaw clenched. “I can’t help but feel like all of this is my fault.”

“You were bold, Son. Your plan was brave. You want to raise an army and defeat the most powerful family on Orhon, the Bateens—there are many kilometers yet to go. Your steps forward will not be without some stumbles along the way. No war ever started easily. I trust you in all things. You will win this conflict, one way or another.”

“You are not angry with me for wanting revenge against Justice Bateen for beheading you and imprisoning Silence?”

He sighed. “I do not like the pursuit of revenge—not because I don’t understand it. I do. But I do not like it, because I want my family to be safe despite everything I’ve put everyone through. I want you to be safe.” Then, he stared out at the forest. “But safety is an illusion. Something we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night. Something we hope our children will have, even though no Ladrian in history has ever been safe from everything. That is not the nature of living. The nature of living is to live life. To experience every facet before we die. If I asked you to stop your quest for revenge, it would be like asking you to stop living. You deserve to experience this life as you want to experience it. On your terms. I respect you too much to ask for anything less.”

Relief poured through me, that I at least had his blessing to move forward with my plan, even if it was without Sarah. “Thank you, Father.” I thought about what had precipitated this need for revenge, and Justice’s fierce reaction to it all. “Father, why did you carry on your affair with Silence?”

He frowned. “I love her. I told you this.”

“I know, but…” I ran my hand over my hair, stalling for time. I wasn’t sure how to ask him what I needed to know. “You knew what you were risking by moving forward with her. Not just our family, but Justice’s wrath for both yourself, and Silence, his own daughter. He murdered you and condemned her to prison until Jac rescued her. I know you love her, and you are in love with her, and you love your children by her—that’s not why I’m asking.”

I hesitated, trying to gather the rest of my thoughts to put them into the right words. “I am asking, because I do not understand love the way that I believed I did before knowing Sarah.” Because what I’d felt for Silence before discovering her affair with my father paled in comparison to the overwhelming emotions I now had for Sarah.

Father’s eyes filled with surprise. “Are you in love with her?”

I laughed nervously. “Would it be wrong to be in love with her, so soon after meeting her?”

“No. Not at all. Sometimes, your ghost simply knows. Being in love is not always an obvious or easy thing.”

“Were you in love with Mother?” I asked.

“I still am, Son.”

His answer shocked me, all things considered. “How do you know?”

“Love is both an instinct and a measure of contrasts.”

I frowned at him and scuffed my boot on the stone pathway beneath the bench I was sitting on. “I don’t understand.”

“It is the difference between how you feel when they are near versus how you feel when they are far. It is in the way your body feels when you think of them. The knot that forms in your gut when you think of something bad happening to them. The surety you feel in your bones, knowing what you would do to anyone who would do them harm. And the elation that takes you over, when you see something go well for them. Their joy is your greatest achievement, their sorrow, your greatest wound. It is an unstoppable force that overrides all sense of right and wrong, because it is what is right, no matter what is wrong.”

His reply was long and winded, but I knew exactly what he meant. He had perfectly described my feelings for both Sarah and Jac. But it also sounded like madness, and I was too upset to let his description of love hang in the air unchecked. “Is that how you justified stealing my future from me?”

Father sighed, and had the grace to at least look contrite. “Yes.”

“You do know how irresponsible that was—”

He laughed. “I lost my head for it, Son, and Silence was banished to prison. I am aware my actions were insane, but I couldn’t help it. But I am crazy about Silence, even in the afterlife. She and the twins are my everything.”

“I am glad you have each other, Father.” I glanced toward the house and frowned. “I worry for her being here with the twins, though.”

“As do I,” he agreed. “Justice, as we all know, is capable of anything.”

I nodded. “I intend to get my crew off-world as soon as I can. If you would like, I can take Silence and the twins with us to keep them safe.”

A sly glint entered my father’s eyes. “I was thinking of something more…permanent and binding.”

His comment confused me. “You cannot unite with Silence. Unions are not permitted for ghosts,” I reminded him.

“Not a union with me .” He sighed and looked me directly in my eyes. “But someone I trust. I know this is selfish of me to ask after all I’ve done, but I need you to protect Silence, and the twins.”

“Of course, Father,” I promised him. “Anything you need.”

“Good.” He gave a satisfied nod. “With Sarah now gone, and you are again single, I want you to unite with Silence. It is the only way to assure that she and the twins are well protected and guarded.”