32. Henry

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

henry

“Maggie,” I say again, her eyes only on me as she stands still.

She looks good. Sober. I’ve seen this look so many times with her, but it’s an illusion. I know that. She also hasn’t looked at our daughter once. Like she just can’t do it. Still.

“What are you doing here?”

“I uh . . .” She tucks her hair behind her ear and walks closer to me. “I wanted to talk to you. To see you.”

I feel Felix at my side, his body stiff, and I instinctively grab his hand, threading our fingers together. Maggie notices the motion, her eyes going to where Felix and I are connected, and then she looks back at me again, a small smile on her lips. “You left,” I say coldly.

“I did,” she says, confirming the obvious. “I couldn’t do it, Henry.”

I want to yell at her. To tell her I was doing it all anyway, even with her there. I’m not sure what she couldn’t do, but I still see that girl I first met. Broken and abused. Sad and lonely. My need to protect her was heightened from the moment I met her, and I’m not going to lash out at her right now.

“So why now? What do you want?”

I wait for her to ask me for another chance, like she always has. I wait for the excuses. The promises. Telling me she loves me. Andrew and Ethan stay, and I can feel the awkwardness in the room. They probably don’t want to intrude on a private moment, but they’re our family now.

I look at her and realize she isn’t family.

I don’t know if she ever was or ever could have been.

“I’m moving.” I nearly laugh cruelly at that because that’s all she’s ever done. She can’t stay in one spot for long, but I hold back my laughter. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to hate her anymore.

“Okay.”

“To Oklahoma with my aunt.”

I remember her talking about an aunt she has, who lives out in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma on a farm. “You think that’s a good idea?”

She shrugs her small shoulders and walks closer to me, still not looking at Hazel, who sits in the middle of the floor, playing with her new toys. “It’s boring there. My aunt thinks it’ll be good for me. Like I can’t get into trouble there.”

I don’t argue and say that small towns have drugs too. That if you’re really looking for it, you can find trouble anywhere. “Okay,” I say instead.

Her eyes are wet with tears, but they don’t fall. She finally looks at Hazel, but it’s brief, and there’s no love there. None. She doesn’t look like she hates her or anything, just more curious. It’s kind of hard to explain, but the love I wanted to see isn’t there.

She looks back at me again and swallows, clearing her throat. “You have something great here, don’t you?” Her eyes fall to where my hand is still holding Felix’s.

“I do.”

She smiles at that and sniffs. “Good.”

I’m taken aback by that because good? Really? That’s all she has to say? And that she’s moving away. “Why did you come? What’s the point? You were already gone. It doesn’t matter to me that you’re moving to another state.”

Felix is still tense at my side, but he stays quiet. And Maggie doesn’t look that upset by my questions. “Because she was never mine.”

“What are you talking about?” I grit my teeth.

“I gave birth to Hazel, but she wasn’t mine.” Her eyes drift to Felix and then to me again. I see a sort of peace there I never thought I’d see on her face. “She was yours, Henry, and I’m glad I had her. So damn glad I could give you someone to love who deserved it.”

Goddamn her. I want to lash out. I want to scream that I loved her too. Harder than I ever had, and she just left me. Over and over, like I was nothing. That maybe she didn’t deserve my love like I thought she did because who does that?

But I don’t say any of it.

“Are you here because you want them back?” Felix asks quietly, and Maggie turns to him now, her eyes full of shock, like that’s preposterous.

“No,” she answers just as quietly, and then she looks back at me. “I’m glad you found this. That you’re happy. You deserve to be happy.”

I steel my features and square my shoulders. “I am happy.”

She only smiles. “Good.” And I see then that she means it. She turns to Felix again. “I don’t want them back. They were never mine in the first place.” She reaches into her purse and gives me some papers she had tucked in there. “I’m here because I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Not ever. I don’t want you to worry about me coming back.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, not looking at the papers but at Maggie.

“I was never her mother. But legally, I need to not be.” My hand clutches the papers, my mind racing. “I just can’t be.”

“Wait,” Felix speaks up. “You gave her up?”

Maggie looks over her shoulder at Hazel, then back to Felix, and I still don’t see any longing there like this pains her to be giving up her child. No, she looks almost at peace. “She was never mine. I care about her wellbeing, but I didn’t feel the connection with her that mothers should feel. I didn’t put her above everything else. I didn’t worry about her at night. I worried about me. That’s not a mother.”

“You’re sober now,” Andrew says, stepping forward.

She doesn’t ask who he is, but she speaks directly to him. “I don’t want to be. It won’t last. It never does, because when I’m sober, it’s all too much. I can’t.” Every sentence is said with absolute conviction, and it kills me. Like she’s accepted her fate. I want more than anything to help her, but I know I can’t. I’ve tried. She’s right, she doesn’t want it. And she has to be the one to want it. I try to open my mind as I listen to her speak, “But while I’m sober, I want to do this one unselfish thing.”

“Giving up your kid is unselfish?” I ask angrily because that hits me wrong. Her eyes meet mine, tears falling now, but she doesn’t look over at Hazel. There is no connection between the two.

“Yes. When I know you’re her father. That you’re the one who’ll worry about her. Who’ll put her first. Who has always put her first. My parents never did that. Yours didn’t either, but somehow, Henry, you’re an amazing father, and I know she’s in the best hands.”

She turns to look at Felix, her smile sad but knowing, and then Andrew speaks up again.

“I’m a therapist. I run a support group for trauma survivors. I can help you. You don’t have to make a rash decision.”

She wipes at her eyes and shakes her head. “It wasn’t. I’ve thought about it every day since I found out I was pregnant.” Her watery eyes meet mine. “I didn’t want her, but I knew you did. I wanted to give her to you because there’s nothing else I can give. I’m a taker.”

“You don’t have to be,” I say quietly, my heart shattering. For Maggie. For Hazel. Even for me because I knew then that she didn’t want to be a mother, but I wanted her to try.

She shakes her head, wiping at her cheeks again. “I’m leaving. You’ll never have to wonder if I’m going to come back or not. I won’t. She’s yours. She was always yours,” she says directly to me, and I know I should feel relief.

I was so worried about her crashing back into my life and causing chaos. I knew I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I’d never choose her over Felix, but I don’t want my life to be complicated.

I want things to be easy for once, and Maggie is anything but easy.

She’s still Hazel’s mother though. And to give her up? I can’t imagine.

“Maggie, don’t do this,” I say. “You don’t have to sign her away. You could change your mind.”

“I won’t,” she says firmly. “I don’t have that need or want to be a parent. I never have. And I know sometimes parenting changes people, but it didn’t change me. I’m the same. Sober or not, I don’t want to be a mother.”

I stand there quietly, staring at her, not understanding, but knowing that it’s her right not to want to be a parent. That I did talk her into it. I thought she’d change her mind, and I know that was wrong of me.

That I fucked up.

But I love Hazel more than anything in the world, and I can’t regret that. I’ll never regret Hazel.

“I’m sorry,” I say because I am. It wasn’t fair to her.

She steps closer to me and brushes her small hand over my cheek. “I’m not. I don’t regret it, Henry. I wanted her for you. I’d do it again. You’re her father, but I don’t want to be her mother.”

I nod in understanding as I fight the choked sob trying to climb out of my throat. “Did you ever love me?”

She drops her hand, and I can tell by her expression she doesn’t have the answer. “I don’t know. But thank you for loving me.”

She kisses my cheek and steps away, my hand still firmly in Felix’s grip. Andrew steps forward, holding out a card for her. “I have friends all over, including Oklahoma. If you need anything, please let me know.”

She nods, giving him a small smile before she waves to me and leaves.

Not giving Hazel one glance before she walks out the door.

And I realize I don’t hate her. I can’t hate her because as selfish as she seems to me, as cold as she is to Hazel, she’s the reason I have Hazel. I only want peace for Maggie, and I hope she finds it, despite saying she never wants to be sober.

I have Hazel.

And I have Felix.

And I’ve found my family.