Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-four

Theo hadn't come to the airport. She'd looked for him as she'd arrived at Heathrow, scanning the terminal as she'd headed to check-in. Through the security queue, her heart had leaped each time she'd seen someone that could have been him from the back, then sunk every time each man had turned around. She'd kept hoping, right until the plane took off. Maybe he'd be let onto the plane late, maybe he was one of those passengers they were doing the final call for. But when they were in the air and the seat next to her was still empty, she'd had to accept it—he wasn't coming.

She'd allowed herself to mourn that, on the plane. To think about what might have been, if she'd not scared Theo by running away in the first place. And then she'd let that go. Because even if the ache around her heart felt like it was settling in to stay, even if she had no idea how she was supposed to go back to Bath after Christmas and find a way to be colleagues—and nothing more—with Theo, she could look back on this moment and know that she'd taken a chance and put herself out there. And that, maybe, she was strong enough to deal with the fallout from that.

Besides, she wasn't just here for Theo. She was here for her dad, too. She was finally in Iceland, at Christmas. She wished she could reach back in time and tell seven-year-old Lexie all about it. About how dark it was here, with only four hours of daylight, so that time was already distorting, even after only a couple of days. About going into Reykjavík today, on Christmas Eve, and seeing the holograms of the Yule Lads projected onto buildings around the city, and about meeting the Christmas Cat—the illuminated giant cat sculpture in L?kjartorg Square. She'd imagined her dad's voice, when she'd gone up to the cat. His voice as it would have been, had they come here together all those years ago. Look, Little Lex! What do you think his name is? He'll come alive on Christmas Day, you know. An imagined conversation, of course. But one that had made her smile.

There was so much she wanted to do while she was here. She wanted to go to one of the thermal pools, of course—the thing she'd been most excited about when she was little. Tomorrow, for Christmas Day, she planned to go to a concert at one of the churches in the city and she wanted to go to one of the ice caves on Boxing Day. For now, though, she was spending Christmas Eve evening curled up in her pajamas in the log cabin her dad had booked for her. It was out in the countryside, where the darkness was more complete, with trees around the outside, frosted with white. Snow was sitting on the wooden roof when she'd arrived, making it look like something out of a fairy tale, and she'd already made use of the hot tub out back—there was something so decadent about sitting in steaming water while snow lay practically untouched around you. There were a few cottages nearby—all part of the same group—but it was blissfully peaceful.

Her wish jar was set on a bookcase, right next to the wood-burning stove. She'd been through the wishes this evening, reading them for the first time since she'd put them in. Some of them had made her laugh, remembering how much she'd wanted something so silly—she definitely no longer felt the desire for her hair to grow purple naturally, for instance. But some of them were things she'd hoped for and had been too scared to go after, and that had given her a pang. So this Christmas, she vowed it was going to be different from now on.

On the little table next to the sofa she was curled up on, there was a pen and paper, ready when she was ready. She really wanted to write, I wish Theo was here. But that wouldn't be a wish for her, not really—it would be about him, and she couldn't control what he did. Just like she hadn't been able to control her dad. Instead, she thought, from now on she would write things she'd like to do in the future—wishes she might be able to make come true.

She was staring at the flames licking the inside of the wood burner when there was a knock at the door. It would be Freyja, who ran the cabins. She'd come by around the same time yesterday on her snowmobile, checking in to see if Lexie needed anything. Lexie got to her feet, pulled on her thick slipper socks, and crossed to the door. It wasn't Freyja, though, who stood on the other side of the door.

Theo was standing in the snow, hands buried in the pockets of his blue winter coat, his expression uncertain, almost guarded. How had he found her? That was her first thought. Her second was that she really wished she wasn't in her flannel pajamas, about the least sexy thing she could imagine, her face bare of makeup after the shower she'd had earlier.

And then, it was like it caught up with her—the fact that he was here, standing right in front of her. " Theo? " It was like she had to check, by saying his name out loud.

He managed a small smile, though his eyes were still guarded, the amber in their depths banked. "Thank God it's you. I've knocked on three of the other cabins already, been invited in by a friendly-seeming old man, and been asked by a child if I'm one of the Yule Lads. I was on the verge of giving up, thought I must have the wrong place."

He was babbling. Theo was babbling. And she could think of nothing— nothing to say.

"You're here," she stated dumbly. Great, Lexie. But her heart was hammering, the fingers of her left hand still curled around the wooden door. Like she couldn't really believe it. Like she might break the spell if she moved or said something to scare him off.

Theo ran a hand through his hair, down the back of his neck. "I…Yeah. Yeah, I'm here."

"You weren't on the flight."

"No. I missed it. Ange gave me an earful about it."

Despite her shock, Lexie laughed, the sound slightly too high, and bouncing around the snow-covered trees. "I can imagine."

"But then she helped me find a new flight. So, well…" He opened his arms to finish the sentence.

"Jesus." She pushed the door open fully. Then, not knowing what to do with her arms, she folded them. "You could have texted, given me a heads-up."

The corner of his mouth quirked up. "I was going for the grand gesture." But he still wasn't making a move toward her. He wasn't sweeping her into his arms or bending to kiss her. They were both just standing there, either side of the threshold, staring at each other.

"Why are you here, Theo?" Lexie asked quietly. She needed to know, for sure. Needed him to say it.

"I…" He swallowed—and she saw how nervous he was. Maybe it should make her feel nervous too, but oddly, it calmed her down a little. "I wanted to tell you something."

Her body went tight in anticipation, like every part of her was holding its breath. She was getting cold now, the heat of the log cabin fighting with the icy cold of outside—but neither of them had crossed the threshold. Like they were both waiting for something.

"We don't have to keep the company," Theo blurted out.

Lexie's heart plummeted. "Oh. Right."

"No, I don't mean…Not like that. I just, I wanted to make it clear that you don't need to keep it because of me."

Lexie frowned. "But you love it."

"Yeah. But I'd rather have you." He met her gaze, his tone dead serious, without the playful edge she knew so well.

"Oh." But it was a different "oh" this time, and she couldn't help but smile, as a lightness settled over her.

Seeing her smile, Theo's expression softened too, and he took a careful step toward her, so that she had to tilt her head to look up at him. "I can find other jobs I love," he continued. "But I won't find another you." Her heart actually skipped at this. "And I don't want you to keep it, just because you think that's what I want. We can sell it. Use the money to go to the Caribbean or whatever."

Lexie laughed, and took her own step forward, meeting him just outside the threshold. His arms came around her, finally, and every part of her body hummed, while a deeper part of her, the part that really counted, seemed to settle.

"Let's keep it," she said, wrapping her arms around him too. "For now. And when we're ready, when it's the right time, we'll sell it. If we want to." It was a little terrifying, committing to that—to a version of the future that meant committing to something, and more, committing to him. And yet, there was a spark of excitement inside her, too. Of hope.

His fingers flexed on her back, digging in through her flannel pajama top. And the way he was looking at her right now, the way his gaze dropped to her mouth, back to her eyes again, made her sure that it didn't matter in the slightest what she was wearing.

Lexie cocked her head. "You came all the way to tell me that, did you?"

"Well, I've heard the signal can be pretty bad in Iceland, and I didn't want to risk a patchy conversation, so-o…"

Lexie laughed. She loved that about him—about them. She loved that they could make each other laugh.

Theo lifted one hand to her hair, tucked a stray curl behind her ear. "I came to tell you—"

But Lexie had just seen something in the sky, over Theo's head. "Oh my god!" She pulled away from him and ran a few steps, out in front of the cabin. Under her slipper socks, the fresh snow crunched. Soon, the icy water would seep in, freezing her feet, but she didn't care. Because there, up in the clear night sky, was the aurora borealis. Swirling rivers of green-blue light danced against the darkness, vivid and bright and beautiful. Lexie knew there was a scientific explanation for seeing them, but right then, it felt magical—like something otherworldly, just out of reach.

"How did I not notice this?" Lexie exclaimed, twisting her neck up, still unable to believe what she was seeing. "How did you not notice?" she demanded of Theo—but she didn't look at him, unwilling to take her eyes off the lights that looked so alive, in case they disappeared.

She felt Theo come up next to her. "That was not there a minute ago, I swear."

"Does it come on that quickly?"

"I have no idea."

"Me neither—but it seems like we should have an idea."

There was a moment of quiet between them, and in the quiet of the countryside, Lexie could hear someone from one of the other cottages exclaiming too.

Then, "Lex?"

Lexie looked at Theo, and hit one hand to her head. "Right! God, I'm so sorry." She stepped to him, took his hands in hers. His fingers were cool to the touch, proof of how long he'd been outside. "You were saying…?"

He huffed out a small laugh. Then pressed his forehead against hers. "I was saying, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you."

Lexie breathed in the smell of him and closed her eyes as her heart swelled. As, irrationally, her throat tightened, warning of tears on the way. "Well, that works out well," she whispered, "because I'm definitely sure I'm in love with you."

"Thank fuck for that," he breathed. He drew back just an inch, and for a moment they ran their gazes over each other's faces, like they were committing this moment to memory. Then he bent his head and kissed her—and it felt like coming home.

When they broke apart, he came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her, like he couldn't stand to not be touching. She let her head fall back on his chest as she looked up at the northern lights. "Do you know how lucky we are, to see this?" She kept her voice quiet, out of respect for what they were seeing.

"Yeah. I'm feeling pretty lucky right now," Theo murmured.

Lucky—that was right, wasn't it? She was lucky, to have found him. They were two people who would probably never have met if it hadn't been for her dad, bringing them together.

Theo kissed her neck, sending a shiver down her spine—one that was only partly because of the cold. "Happy Christmas, Lex," he said, his breath caressing her ear, in a way that made her think of the hot tub, and the cozy cabin waiting for them, and a Christmas Day spent just with Theo tomorrow.

She thought of the wish jar, sitting inside—of the wish she'd wanted to write, but hadn't. The thing she'd wished for most as a child hadn't come true, but knowingly or not, her dad had made her last wish—a wish that felt like it might be the most important one ever—come true.

Maybe, through this, I can be a part of your future.

She thought of her dad's last words in that letter—the last words she'd ever have from him.

I'm sorry—and I love you.

She looked up at the green lights dancing in the sky once more. She felt Theo's hand on hers, gently pulling her inside—noticing, no doubt, the way that she was starting to shiver. She stayed put for a moment longer, squeezed Theo's hand to let him know she was coming.

Goodbye, Dad—and I love you too.

And she wondered if, wherever her dad was now, he too could see the lights. It might sound fanciful—but here she was, staring up at something that seemed impossibly magical. So although she didn't say the words out loud, who was to say, in that moment, that he couldn't hear her?