Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-three

Heat flooded into Lexie as she stepped inside, allowing her freezing muscles to relax. It was a pub in the center of Bath, one she'd walked past a few times. It had been, according to Ange, a favorite hangout of Richard's, a place he used to take the staff to for after-work drinks on a Friday. There was a jovial, festive atmosphere, with many of the people wearing paper hats, having pulled crackers over an early Christmas lunch. The lighting was low, with fairy lights around the inside of the windows, where winter darkness had truly taken hold. It wasn't yet six p.m. , but people were already queuing at the bar, leaning against the wooden top.

Ange was in the corner, wearing a dress that was all sparkle. Lexie's heart gave a kind of anticipatory lurch as she spotted her, then sank into her stomach when she saw Theo wasn't there. Rachel was, though—a tall girl with sleek black hair sitting next to her. As was Harry, his tie sporting Christmas puddings, and her mum, in that one Christmas jumper she owned. As Lexie drew near, her mum got up to give her a hug, her honey-blond hair shorter than when Lexie had last seen her. Lexie breathed in the floral smell of her mum. She hadn't thanked her enough—hadn't been here enough to do it properly. But she could change that. She could make sure that she wouldn't have any regrets where that was concerned.

Lexie slid into the booth next to Rachel as Ange beamed at her across the table, miming to show that she was going to the bar for more drinks. True to form, Ange was wearing big earrings, which swung as she got to her feet. Sailboats? Were they the same earrings she'd worn at the funeral? Funny, the things you remember.

"Thank you for being my plus one," Lexie murmured to Rachel.

Rachel smiled at her. "Of course. Though I invited a plus one, too, so I'm not sure how that counts?" Rachel took the hand of the woman next to her, took a breath like she was gearing up. "Lexie, meet Lana, my future fiancée. Lana, meet my…" She broke off, cleared her throat—and Lexie felt a small pinch of guilt. "Meet Lexie."

Lana beamed, a dimple winking out. She had the kind of infectious smile that made you want to smile with her, and slightly crooked teeth, to go with a fringe that looked like she might have cut it herself. Lexie instantly liked her.

"Hi. I'm Rachel's sister."

Rachel's gaze flashed to Lexie's face, and Lexie met it.

"I mean," Lexie said warningly, "I'm not promising to be a great one. But I'm up for trying, if you are."

There were tears sparking in Rachel's eyes. "I'm so up for that," she said, her voice a little thick.

Lexie cocked her head. "Do sisters hug? I think they hug."

Rachel practically threw her arms around Lexie, who laughed and patted her back. When Rachel drew back, she was properly crying.

Next to her, Lana rolled her eyes, though she patted Rachel's knee affectionately. "She does this."

Lexie grinned. "I know."

And that just made Rachel cry harder.

She had a sister, Lexie realized. A sister she wouldn't have, if it weren't for her dad. A sister she'd almost let pass her by because she'd been too afraid to reach out.

From where Lexie was sitting, she could see the door to the pub—and once again, she felt a rush of disappointment when it opened and it wasn't Theo. It was someone else she knew, though, and she got to her feet to give Fran a hug. Gone were the smart business clothes she'd gotten so accustomed to seeing Fran in—instead she was in a bright multicolored jumper that reminded Lexie of the teenage Fran.

Lexie pulled back. "Fran, I'm—"

But Fran held up her hand. "We've been through this. You don't have anything to be sorry about."

Lexie blew out her cheeks but nodded. Then she cocked her head, looking for a lighter subject. "No date tonight?"

Fran tossed back her dark hair. "I haven't been on a date since you left," she said airily. And when Lexie's eyebrows shot up, Fran waved a hand in the air. "It's part of this whole figuring out what I want thing."

Lexie grinned, but Fran was looking over Lexie's shoulder now, and from the way her eyes slid back to her, Lexie knew who she'd seen. Fran gave Lexie's arm a little squeeze, then moved away to join the group around the table.

Lexie's heart hammered as she shifted. Theo was standing a few feet away, dead still, staring at her. Across the crowd, their gazes met, and held. Her breath was caught in her throat. Had he always been this fucking gorgeous? Had he always looked at her like this, like there could be any number of people in the room, and still he'd choose to look at her?

But then his lips pulled into a small smile, and he nodded. A hello—but not the hello she was looking for. And he turned—away from her, and toward the bar.

She closed her eyes briefly, trying to stop the churn in her stomach. She'd known this might happen. She'd known he might not forgive her. Don't run, he'd told her. But that's just what she'd done, wasn't it? She'd come back, yes—but what if she'd come back too late?

When Lexie turned back to the table, she saw Ange studying her. Her face softened into a smile, and she beckoned Lexie over, pouring out a glass of red wine from the bottle she'd brought to the table. Ange pulled out the chair next to her, moving someone's coat off it, and Lexie sat down.

"Welcome home," Ange said, raising her glass to Lexie's to clink. Home. Maybe that was right. Maybe it had become home, without her realizing. And maybe it wouldn't be home forever—maybe she'd never stem the desire to keep moving—but for now, it was enough. Just as she'd come to accept that Richard had changed over the course of his life, she realized it was OK if she changed, too.

Lexie took a deep breath. "Ange? I'm sorry for leaving."

Ange shook her head. "We all make mistakes. Nobody's perfect, remember? It's whether we learn from the mistakes that's the important thing. And whatever happens to the company, Lexie—I'm glad to have had you in my life. You might not have realized it, but you brought light this year, when I think we would have floundered without it. I think Richard knew that," she added quietly, while Lexie fought the lump that was rising up her throat.

Theo returned with a beer but didn't look down at Lexie as he sat between her and Harry—and Lexie couldn't work out if that was deliberate or not. An itchy feeling started up under her skin. If he wouldn't even look at her, what were the chances a conversation with him was going to go well?

"Now that we're all here," Ange said, projecting her voice, and everyone turned toward her. Apparently Mike wasn't coming, Lexie noted. Had he left the company for good, then?

Ange smiled, her pale green eyes holding just a tinge of sadness. "To Richard," she said. Everyone raised their glasses and drank. For a moment, there was quiet around the table, and the chatter and music in the pub came in to fill the space. Lexie suspected that they were all thinking of Richard in that moment—of whatever he meant to each of them. She thought of the letter, which she was still carrying around with her in her bag. She thought of him teaching her to ski, and of being on his shoulders at the fireworks. She thought of the last time she'd seen him, when he'd tried to apologize. She remembered him leaving, too, of course she did. Remembered him bending to give her a hug. I'm sorry, Little Lex. But I'll see you really soon, OK? This doesn't mean I love you any less, I promise. And I promise that I'll still take you to Iceland, one day.

Lexie took a steadying breath. She was who she was because of her dad, wasn't she? For better or worse. Him leaving had made her into the person she was today—and she had to be OK with that. And do you know what? She was OK with that. Like her dad said, you couldn't do anything to change the past. But she liked who she was today. OK, she wasn't perfect. But she'd had a life full of adventure, and she was sitting in a pub full of people she cared about—people she wouldn't have known, if it wasn't for him.

"I remember when I first met Richard," Lexie's mum said softly, and everyone's attention went to her. "It was in a queue, believe it or not, to the concession stand at the cinema. I was in front of him, and I could sense him behind me the whole time. It made me nervous, and it meant that I dropped the popcorn after I paid, and it went everywhere." Her mouth quirked into a small smile. "He helped me pick up every piece of popcorn, chatting away, then bought me a new bag. And when I went back into the film, I just knew—that man was going to change my life."

Lexie looked at her mum. She hadn't heard that story before. Maybe she'd asked how they'd met, when she was little, but if she had she didn't remember it—and after Richard had left it had felt too cruel to ask.

"I remember when he took us to Wales camping," Fran said. "Do you remember, Lex? We were, what? Fourteen?"

"Fifteen," Lexie murmured.

"Right. And we were so excited because we'd decided it was like going abroad—because Wales is technically a different country—and then it rained the whole time. But your dad found this indoor arcade place, and left us there with a ton of change, and we thought we were so grown-up, because it was practically like being on holiday abroad on our own."

Lexie smiled, remembering too. Fran had thought Richard was the height of cool after that, especially when he'd taken them to the pub afterward and let them both try his beer. And that was back when Lexie had still been desperate to show him off, to make her friends see the parts of her dad that she loved.

Rachel gave a watery little chuckle, and Lexie saw Lana squeeze her hand. "I love that. I remember when I broke my arm," she continued, her voice hitching. "I was fourteen, and Dad was going out and wanted to take me with him, and Mum wouldn't let him and there was this whole big argument going on. And I was so annoyed that they wouldn't just let me decide for myself. So I took my bike from the shed. Some idiot came around the corner too fast. It was a red car, I still remember that. Anyway, they didn't hit me or anything, but I had to swerve out the way and I hit the curb and fell. And I guess I fell a bit wrong—because it was so painful." Rachel lifted her right hand to run across her left arm, as if remembering. "Dad was the one to find me," she carried on. "They realized I wasn't there, I guess, and came looking. Mum was so angry." Rachel twirled her glass on the pub table, leaving watery marks behind. "But Dad, he was super calm. And he distracted me from how much it hurt during the car journey on the way to hospital."

Rachel glanced up at Lexie from under her eyelashes. "It was your birthday," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper, so that Lexie had to strain to hear her. "He was supposed to be going to your twenty-first, I think—he and Mum had been arguing about it. But he stayed with me instead."

An apology, Lexie realized—Rachel was offering Lexie an apology, for getting more of Richard than Lexie ever had. So, that was the reason her dad had missed her party. A reason he'd probably tried to explain, only she'd kept refusing to talk to him. It didn't make it OK, all the times he'd not been there before then. But it helped.

Lexie worked up a smile for her sister. "I'm glad he was there for you. Sounds like you needed him more right then." And Rachel had, hadn't she? Lexie couldn't claim to know Jody very well, but she had enough of an impression to guess that Jody hadn't been the mother that Lexie's own mother had been—so maybe Rachel had needed a dad more than Lexie had.

When Theo finally spoke, Lexie felt relief course through her, at the fact that she finally had an excuse to look at him.

"I remember my interview with him, before he offered me the job. I thought I was fuck—ahh—" Theo glanced at Ange, then at Lexie's mum, and cleared his throat. "Messing up so badly. He'd asked where I wanted to be in five years, and I'd just shrugged or something. And he'd given me this look, like he could see through me." Theo shook his head. "It's weird. That was just over five years ago."

And look where I am now, was the unfinished sentiment there. For the briefest moment, Theo caught Lexie's gaze. Something shimmered in the air between them, before he looked away again.

They continued like that for a while—telling stories about Richard. There was something cathartic for Lexie in the remembering—in realizing that he'd been a whole person, good and bad. It didn't make things hurt less. But it did smooth some of the ragged edges.

Lexie couldn't help but notice that her mum was texting someone throughout the evening. Every now and then she'd get her phone out and smile. When Lexie moved to sit next to her, she called her out on it. "Who is that you keep talking to?"

To Lexie's slight surprise, her mum blushed. "It's my, er…" She gave Lexie a somewhat shifty look—one that was a little funny, coming from mother to daughter. "It's the man I've been seeing, actually."

Across the table Theo's gaze snapped to Lexie's, and his mouth twitched into a smile.

She let out a breath of laughter. OK, fine, he'd been right.

"Good for you," Lexie said, as her mum blushed still further. "I hope I get to meet him someday soon."

"Oh," her mum said, looking a bit flustered and patting her hair down. "Well, yes. He'd like that, I'm sure."

So maybe Lexie didn't have to feel quite so guilty that she wasn't around all that much. But still. "Mum? There's somewhere I've got to go, this Christmas. But next year, I want to spend it with you again, if you'll have me."

Her mum beamed. "I'd love to have you. We'll do the whole lot—I can get stuff in for a proper roast dinner and I'm sure we can do the blinis better than last year…"

"Maybe you can invite your mystery man." She waggled her eyebrows for comic effect, and her mum waved her away.

Lexie glanced down to the end of the table, to where Rachel was bent toward Lana, her curls falling around her face. She bit her lip as she looked back at her mum. "And I thought…I thought maybe we could invite Rachel. If you're OK with it. Obviously it's completely fine if not. I just thought—"

"Lexie." Her mum squeezed her hand. Across the table, Lexie could sense Theo looking at her again, but she didn't glance over this time. "I would be absolutely delighted to have Rachel—and you—for Christmas. I will spend the whole year looking forward to it." Her eyes were shining. "Do you know, I never had any siblings growing up, and I wanted a second child so that you wouldn't grow up on your own like I did…It's lovely to know that you might have ended up with that, despite everything."

It wasn't until the end of the evening that Lexie managed to get Theo on his own. She followed him to the bar, where he was standing before a Christmas-themed beer on tap. Over the smell of spilled ale, mulled-wine spices, and chips, Lexie breathed in the sandalwood scent of him. It was amazing, how her body seemed both to relax into the relief of being near him and also go tense, nerves jangling under her skin.

"I don't think we should sell the company," she said by way of greeting.

He glanced at her, his eyes scanning her face, as if looking for clues.

"At least for now," she continued, words coming a bit too quickly. "But…" She swallowed. "But I want to be involved. I want to run it with you, and I want to do your idea, of investing profit back into local business and…and everything," she finished, somewhat lamely.

He looked at her for another long moment, before saying, "I want you to be involved too."

"You do?"

"Yes. You're smart, and good with the customers, and you have good ideas." Right. He meant on a professional level, not a personal one.

"OK." She was bobbing her head, like one of those silly nodding dogs. "OK, good. Well. That's, um, settled, then."

Theo paid for the drinks the barman was handing him, scooped them up to take them back to the table. "Great," Theo said, his voice cool and professional. Distant, in a way he'd never really been with her—one way or another. "We can chat about it after Christmas, maybe?"

"Right," Lexie said again. "OK."

He turned to walk away. And she nearly let him. Because it would be easier than risking being hurt. But she'd vowed to try, hadn't she? So she took a breath. "Theo?"

He looked back at her.

"I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for not listening. And I'm sorry for not coming back sooner."

His body had gone very still, so that the only movement was the liquid in the glasses, sloshing gently from side to side.

"I thought it was a sign, that I shouldn't be here. I thought…" Her throat was constricting. God, why was this so difficult? "I thought I might be losing myself, and I didn't want to risk things going wrong."

I didn't want to risk getting hurt. But I'll risk it now, if you will. She was on the verge of saying those words, as stupid as they might sound said out loud, when Theo sighed.

"Maybe it was for the best."

Lexie felt a crushing weight coming in to sit on her chest.

"I'm not sure…" He broke off, shifted position. "I want us to run this company together, Lex." His voice was a little less cool now. Kinder. But it still wasn't the tone she wanted to hear. "It's yours as much as it is mine. More, maybe. But…maybe I'm not right for you. Maybe you were right and we'd make a mess of things, down the line. So maybe we should keep things professional?"

Even just a few months ago, this would have been enough to shut down hope for her. But she thought she could hear it, the vulnerability under what he was saying. The worry that he'd make a mess of things—that he'd be a disappointment to her, like with his parents. She hadn't thought enough of that, when she'd bolted, but she was thinking about it now. And she was thinking about her dad's letter, and how he was right—you couldn't change the past. But you could take chances in the present.

He was walking away from her when she called out. "I'm going to Iceland." She moved away from the bar, took the few steps she needed to close the gap between them. Over at the corner table, she thought she saw a few of their group looking their way, but she didn't care. "I leave tomorrow, and I'll be there over Christmas." She reached into her back jeans pocket, drew out the ticket that she'd been carrying around with her all day—and slipped it in the crook of Theo's arm.

"My dad got me tickets to go," she explained. "He got me two tickets, in case I wanted to take someone with me." She met his gaze unflinchingly. "And it's you I want with me, Theo. Not just for this, but always. But only if you want that too." She hesitated, then gave his arm a brief squeeze, before turning away. She didn't need an answer right away. She knew he wouldn't be ready to give her one now, just after she'd dropped it on him like that. But at least, when tomorrow came, she'd know she'd tried.