Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Did you see the look on his face?" Claire said for the fifth time that evening.

She stood in the small kitchen off of the servants' wing of her home, holding a well polished and cleaned dish in her hand that she kept washing over and over again. It was a chore that she certainly did not need to do, but if she did not do something with her hands, she might be liable to search all of London for Dorian just so that she could place those same hands around his neck!

"Yes, ma'am, you have told me in great detail how he looked," Alice said in a patient and understanding voice.

"That is not the same as seeing it!" Claire said again as she dunked the already clean dish back into the sink to scrub it once more. Water and soap suds clung to her skirts and sleeves. A fine sheen of sweat covered her forehead and chest, but she could not stop moving.

It had been difficult enough keeping her composure during the day while Eleanor had asked her question after question about who the man truly was and why he had looked at her that way. The intensity of his gaze had frightened her. How could she possibly hope to explain to Eleanor that the man who had helped raise her was not, in fact, her actual father? Was it even the right thing to do?

From his actions, she got the sinking feeling that Dorian might not have even wanted a child in the first place.

He could still be furious with her for keeping such a secret. Should she have tried harder? Was there more that she could have done?

"Ma'am, I think the plate is…" Alice said gently.

"What?" Claire looked at the plate she was polishing. It was spotless. She carefully set the plate down and started to polish the cooking tables. The very last thing that she could endure right now would be sitting down or lying still. There would likely be no sleep for her tonight whatsoever.

"Ma'am, you do not need to clean the tables. I assure you that you just need rest. How about I prepare a nice hot bath for you? It would do wonders to help eliminate some of the tension in your back and shoulders," Alice tried again.

Any other night, Claire would have been more than happy to abide by her wishes. She would have luxuriated in the warmth of a bath, inhaling the fragrant blend of oils that Alice always mixed perfectly. She would have lingered until her skin started to wrinkle and she was nice and sleepy. Those were always the best dreamless nights.

Yet Claire feared that even if she attempted to sleep this night, all she would have were nightmares. She could not stomach the notion of replaying the conversation over and over any more vividly than she presently was.

Slowly, Claire sank onto the wooden bench by the table she scrubbed. The rag fell from her hands and she slumped forward. Her heart was a heavy stone in her chest. "If I stop moving, it just makes things worse."

"I am certain he just needs some time to process everything. It is a lot of information for a man to absorb so suddenly," Alice offered.

Claire bit her bottom lip as she thought on it for a moment. Was Dorian the sort of person to just run from all of his problems? A few years ago, she would have refuted that instantly and insisted that he would stay and care for his child no matter what his feelings toward her might have been. Now? She was not so certain. He had run away from her for so very, very long.

"I do not think so. Not this time," Claire admitted finally. "I always believed he thought the worst of me. I assumed that was why he stayed away for so long without so much as a letter. Now I know there were other factors that prevented our reunion prior to this, but even still."

Alice sat on the bench beside her and placed a comforting hand on her back. She always had the warmest hands. Alice rubbed soothing circles into her back in a way that was meant to relieve tension, but Claire could not feel calmed.

"He ran away before and stayed gone. Who is to say he will not use that as a solution to this problem as well?" Claire muttered, her heart feeling heavier with each word. "It was not as if I had nefarious intentions for keeping Eleanor's parentage a secret. I did what I had to do."

"And your daughter is much better off because of it. You had no choice, ma'am," Alice confirmed.

"It does not change the fact that I lied to him. I did not hold out faith that he would return. Perhaps there were some other options that I could have explored if I had not panicked in such a way."

"You will gain nothing by further condemning yourself, ma'am. You could toil in the ‘what if's' all evening long and still be in the same predicament. The fact is you made choices when you were very young. Choices that a lady barely of age should never had had to make on her own. Be gentle with yourself."

Claire could not stop the tears from falling. She had tried. Over the course of the day, she had busied herself with every menial task she could think of, but it was not enough. Emotion tore through her and she heaved a great sob before Alice pulled her further into her arms.

"Shh, there, there, child. It will be alright. I promise. What is meant to be shall be. Tomorrow morning, the bright sunlight will bring inner peace. That's what I always say."

Claire hiccuped a laugh in disbelief. "And how many times has that actually come true?"

"Well, it has yet to happen, of course. But it always makes me feel better in the moment." Alice grinned. "Even if it does mean a little white lie."

It was sound enough advice. It would be the more logical choice to simply head upstairs and force herself to rest. Claire knew that if she did, however, all she would be doing was tossing and turning all night long. She would be worse off in the morning.

"I do not wish to leave things the way that they are," she confessed.

"Making rash decisions, ma'am, might not be the best course of action. Think on it. Try to get some rest," Alice advised.

Claire pushed herself away from the table just a little and shook her head. "No, there is too much that needs to be cleared up between us. I don't wish to leave things the way they were in the past. This whole thing was caused by misunderstanding. If there is something that I can do to fix it then that is what I should do."

"While that is very reasonable thinking, it is the middle of the night! The lamps have all been extinguished. It would not be safe for a woman to be out on her own."

The words of caution fell on deaf ears as Claire headed in the direction of the back door. Alice scrambled behind her, grabbing a riding cloak for her to at least fend off the evening chill.

"Please reconsider! I could not face the morning if something were to happen to you!" Alice cautioned, but Claire refused to listen. She had been nothing but pleasant and reasonable for the last few years. She played the dutiful wife and mother who never rebelled or did anything that might cast her husband in an unfavorable light. Perhaps she had lost some of her wilfulness along the way.

How long had it been since she had felt anything so strongly as this? All emotions had started to feel muted as she surrendered more and more of her personal identity in favor of being a mother. She did not regret it. There was not a single part of her that would have done things otherwise because Eleanor had turned into a lovely young girl.

But if there was a possibility that she and Eleanor would not have to face the next phases of life alone? She would do anything in her power to try to remedy the situation. She would have to make it better.

If she made it all of the way to his home once more, she would not allow Dolores to shove her away this time. She would hear the rejection or acceptance from Dorian's own mouth or not at all.

As she should have done in the first place.

"Miss!" Alice called to her from the open doorway of her home. Her ever-faithful maid clutched Claire's brown leather gloves in her hands. "You must at least take these, please."

Claire's smile could have split her face. She had no reason to feel as hopeful as she did, but something in her gut told her if she could find him this night, then she had a chance to fix things—but if she waited, then the hope would be lost.

She closed Alice's hands inside of her own as she accepted the gloves. "Even if I get to speak my piece, I will be able to rest more easily. I have to at least try."

Alice nodded somberly and passed one more item into her hands: a small knife. "It will not do much in way of defending yourself, but perhaps it will at least discourage somebody if something does go wrong."

Claire kissed her friend's hands. "Make sure Eleanor does not wake up. I will see you soon, I can feel it."

"I certainly hope so, ma'am. Return home swiftly."

"I will. With good news," Claire said and pulled her hands back, slipping the gloves onto her hands and then wrapping her cloak further around herself.

She could not remember the last time she had gone out walking under the stars. It certainly had not been alone. No, in the more recent years, she had only been able to see such things from the safety of her bedroom window.

She could still recall the nights she had spent lying in Dorian's arms in the open hay loft of his barn for hours on end as he taught her about the constellations and the stories associated with them. He used to speak so passionately about the stars and their myths. His inner romantic soul had been so much closer to the surface back then.

If the conversation was had, would she be able to find that side of him once more?

He had touched her with such softness and passion the other night. The tender side of the man she loved was in there, just locked away. She had to hope that was true or else what was she doing?

He could not have come back into her life for nothing. The timing had to be now or it never would have worked. She would not have been able to betray Richard's reputation while he was alive and Dorian would never settle for having her as a mistress and nothing more.

It would not have been what she wanted either.

She should decide what to say. She would fumble over her words less if she had a plan. Her fingers curled tightly around the knife in her hand for comfort and reassurance as she hurried toward Dorian's estate.

Claire was so absorbed in her own thoughts that she almost missed the man appearing on the other end of the street, cloaked in shadow.

She could not make out his features, only that he was of large stature. Her breath caught in her throat. This was exactly what Alice had been warning her about—and he was heading right for her.