31. Surrender

Chapter thirty-one

Surrender

Mila

" Y our roll." Izolda pushed the dice across the table. We were alone in the inn, our food long since finished, playing our third game. I was grateful for the distraction from my incessant fears about the war. Alexey hadn't written—not that I expected him to—and we'd had no news about their intended ambush of Borislav's troops. I prayed my message had gotten through in time. And, selfishly, I prayed Alexey was unhurt.

I shook the dice and tossed them on the table. Pushing my worries to the back of my mind, I tallied up the dots and grinned at Izolda. "I win."

She squinted at me. "I think you cheat."

"You're just jealous that I'm better than you." I gathered up the dice. "Play again?"

The door to the inn opened before she could answer. I glanced over to see Alexey stride in, and my heart leapt. His clothes were rumpled and dirty, like he'd been riding all day. When he saw us, he gave a half-smile, less cocky than usual.

"I've been blessed with an omen from Otets," he said as he approached. "The sun and the moon together, sent to bring me good favor."

Izolda grinned. "Flirt. Good news from the war effort?"

He shook his head, pressing his lips together. "May I join you?"

He reached for another chair as I nodded, but Izolda stood and stretched.

"Actually, I've got to head back. Lady Heli wants to be at morning prayers tomorrow, and I'll hate myself if I spend all night out."

"Some other time," he replied, but he wasn't looking at her. I could feel his eyes on me as I frowned at my friend.

"Since when do you care about getting to bed early?" I asked.

"‘The body is a gift from Otets and should be treated as his Sanctioned dwelling, even in the unSanctioned,'" she quoted. "Last week's homily inspired me."

Liar. She'd slept through most of last week's homily. She was scheming to get me alone with Alexey. I glared at her, but she just winked.

"Make sure she gets back safe, Alexey. Night, Fia." She flounced out of the inn with a wave.

I could still feel the pressure of Alexey's gaze as he took a seat. "How are you?" he asked.

"Good." I rolled the dice over between my hands, watching how they caught the light.

"Did you get my letter?"

I bit my lip. "I did."

He was silent, waiting for me to continue.

"I wasn't—" I started. "I didn't—" I huffed, trying to gather my thoughts. "It wasn't anything you did."

He still didn't speak. I looked up from the dice and found his dark eyes locked on me.

"Did you not want it?" His voice was quiet, raw with emotion.

"Otets' Blood." I rubbed my temples. I'd had weeks to prepare for this confrontation, and I still wasn't sure what to say to him. "You didn't do anything wrong."

He reached across the table and took my hands in his. "I meant what I said in the letter. If there's anything I can do, I will, but don't leave me in doubt. I need to know if you care for me at all."

Otets help me, I did. My throat was too tight to speak, but I squeezed his hands.

"Do you?"

I nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact, and his breath came out in a rush. "My sun." He raised my hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to each one.

"How long have you been back?" I asked, rubbing my thumbs over his knuckles. His hands were rougher than usual, and I didn't know if it was from swinging a sword or riding.

"Not long. I came looking for you as soon as the baron released me."

I laughed quietly. "I thought you looked a little…road-weary."

He leaned back and crossed his arms, a stern expression on his face. "I don't know what you're talking about, Sofia Stepanova. I never look anything less than perfect."

I plucked a piece of mud from his sleeve and held it up. "Is that so?"

He chuckled. "Maybe a touch less than perfect. I would have changed, but I was in a hurry."

"You waited three weeks, but another quarter hour was too much?"

"Yes," he said earnestly. My breath caught at the intensity in his eyes.

"Well, you've found me. Maybe now you'd like to change into something cleaner?" My face heated as I realized the invitation my words implied, but I didn't correct myself. I wanted him.

Amusement and desire flashed across his face. He stood and offered me his hand. "I'd be happy to put on something less offensive to your delicate sensibilities, so long as you'll come with me."

I allowed him to help me into my coat. He took my arm, and we walked out into the frigid night air.

"I couldn't stop thinking of you while I was gone," he said as the lights of the inn faded behind us.

"Me, too." My heart was pounding out of my chest. If he couldn't hear it, it was a miracle.

"I should have come back that night. I was afraid you'd send me away again."

"I was just—"

He cut me off. "You don't have to explain yourself. You said no. That's enough explanation for me."

"I want to." I couldn't tell him the truth, not all of it, but I could tell him a little. "It was just a lot at once. I got overwhelmed. Scared. I wasn't ready."

"And now?" he asked, not looking at me.

"And now…" I bit my lip. And now what? Nothing had changed.

Nothing but me. It had only been a short time since Han died, but our marriage had been dying for months before that, ever since the day Kazimir attacked me. I'd hardly been able to look at Han, let alone let him touch me. He'd smothered me, not letting me heal on my own time.

I knew I shouldn't compare them, but Alexey was everything Han hadn't been. He didn't push me to share things before I was ready. He sat quietly with me when I needed to cry, and he left without argument when I needed to be alone. He recognized that he couldn't always protect me, so he gave me the ability to protect myself.

I loved Han, of course I still loved Han, but he was dead. And maybe even before he'd died, he hadn't been what I needed anymore. Maybe Alexey was.

"And now I think I am," I said finally.

We'd reached the palace. He led me inside, unspeaking, and up a back staircase that ended on a narrow servants' hallway. Tallow candles lined the hall, lighting our way. Alexey stopped in front of a door halfway down the hall. He unlocked and opened it, gesturing for me to go inside.

The room was small, no bigger than my own bedroom. When he stepped in behind me, his presence filled the room. In the dim candlelight from the hall, I had a brief impression of a clean, well-organized space, but when he stepped around me to lay his fur coat on the chest against the wall, everything else went out of my head.

He knelt down to light the fire. The room was cold, but I didn't feel it as my blood ran hot through me.

Once firelight filled the room, he stood to take off his kaftan. "I apologize for my untidiness," he said with a grin. "I hope you can forgive me."

"I'm sure I can." I meant the words to sound teasing, but they came out breathy with desire. My eyes fixed on his body, the sweat-stained shirt that clung to his skin, showing wiry muscles. I took a step toward him and ran a hand down his chest. He shuddered beneath the touch. When I lifted my face to his and kissed him, he wrapped his arms around me, gentle and tender, as if afraid I would break.

I needed this. Needed him. I deepened the kiss, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

He drew back with an amused smile. "Anxious, my sun?" He stripped off his shirt, then helped me remove my coat.

I shivered. Was I really doing this? I'd never been with another man besides Han. Our first time had been awkward and rushed, a few stolen minutes before he left to join the first uprising. My first time with Alexey would be different.

He gathered me into his arms again. "Cold?"

"No," I whispered, afraid to break the spell of the moment by speaking any louder.

He guided me to the bed and knelt before me. My breathing hitched, but he pulled my shoes and stockings off, set them neatly against the wall, and sat down next to me.

Brushing his thumb over my cheek, he looked at me with a solemn expression. "Before we do this, I need to know that you really want to. If you're not ready, or if it's going to remind you of…whatever happened to you, we don't have to do anything." He took my hands in his. "I won't lie; I want you. But I want you to feel safe with me. I'll wait for you. Forever, if need be."

Was I ready? I looked down at my bare feet, gathering my thoughts. There was no going back after this. I couldn't go back to my old life.

Then again, there had been no going back for a long time now.

I looked into his eyes. "I do. I want you."

The tension melted from his face, replaced with a tender look. He took my face in both hands and kissed me once, twice, three times.

Pulling back from his touch, I stood and slipped off my sarafan. His eyes widened, drinking in the sight of me in only my long linen shirt. "Beautiful," he murmured.

My cheeks blazed at the compliment, and I knelt before him. I pulled off his boots one at a time, then dragged his pants off. His erection, thick and slightly curved, sprang free. I reached for it, a thrill of power running through me.

I ran my thumb over the tip, and he gasped. Looking up at him through my lashes, I lowered my head, intending to take him into my mouth, but he reached down to touch my cheek.

"No."

I stroked him. "No?"

He clenched his eyes shut. "No," he said through gritted teeth. I stopped stroking, and he opened his eyes. "Not the first time, my sun. I want you, all of you."

Heat rushed through me at his words. "Well, then." I straddled him, feeling him against my center. I wasn't ready yet, but he didn't rush me. He kissed my neck, fingers trailing up and down my spine. I squirmed, every touch of his lips on my skin leaving me slicker.

"Please, Alexey." My words were a whimper.

He groaned in response, lifting me up by the hips and sliding further back on the bed. "Whatever you need." He laid back against the pillow. "Take it."

My hand shook as I guided him into me. He was wider, thicker than—no, I couldn't think of him. Not right now. Alexey moved beneath me, just slightly, and I jerked.

He froze. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. You won't." I'd never been more sure of anything in my life.

"Show me," he said. "Show me what you want. How to touch you."

I guided his hands to my hips. "Just hold me here."

I slid up and down on him, relishing the feel of him inside me. He groaned, fingers digging into my flesh, but otherwise didn't move.

I swirled my hips, grinding against him. I was close, so close already. Alexey's eyes squeezed shut, and I placed my hand on his chest.

"Look at me," I whispered. His eyes flew open.

Otets, I felt like a whole new person. He pulled my mouth down to his for a kiss, and I exploded, my climax flooding through me.

A moment later, he followed, spasming inside me as he cried out in wordless release.