40. Christa

I openedthe mailbox and dropped my admissions letter inside. It was official. I was going back to school. Well, if I got accepted. Butterflies took flight in my stomach for the first time since I got home from the island.

From Max.

I shook my head, refusing to think about him or what I had left behind. I shed my tears. I’d allowed myself time to grieve for the relationship that might have been. But it was over now, and there was no going back. He would never change, and maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Would I have fallen in love with a man any different than him?

It didn’t matter. It was all in the past now. I slid my sunglasses on my face and headed to the church. I still had to work, even though I wanted to go back to school. I had bills to pay and groceries were essential. Not to mention Wine Time.

My house was now filled with wine bottles left and right. When the day ended, I needed the wine to relax me, to keep me from thinking about Max every second of the night. And it was the only thing that allowed me to sleep without constantly dreaming of his touch.

I wasn’t drinking nearly as much as I had when I first started seeing Max. My partying days were long gone, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t unwind with a glass or two at night.

When I walked into the church, I was filled with a renewed sense of purpose. I knew this was the way forward. I just hadn’t figured out how to tell my dad yet. As it was, I hadn’t explained my absence for a week, and he hadn’t asked. Though, he stared at me with concern every time we were alone together.

“Christa!”

I winced as he caught me just as I was walking past his office. Most days, I could slip by without him knowing. I wasn’t so lucky today.

I turned with a bright smile on my face. “Hi, Dad.”

“Can we talk?”

“I actually have a ton of work to get through.”

Instead of the stern expression I was expecting, his face fell slightly and he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m so worried about you. I wish you would talk to me.”

What was there to say? I’d already disappointed him. I’d gone on some crazy mind trip, screwing up everything in my life. And for what? A man who would never love me the way I needed him to?

“Dad, I’m really fine,” I said, my voice catching at the end.

Instead of backing off like I needed him to, he walked closer. Then he opened his arms and engulfed me in a hug. My stiff body refused to yield. I would not break down and cry.

“Sweetie, you’re still my little girl. No matter what happens in life, I’ll always love you and want to help you.”

That broke the dam holding back all the feelings of hurt and loneliness. My hands flew around his back, gripping his shirt as I cried into his shoulder. His hands ran soothingly up and down my spine, comforting me in a way that only a father could. Why had I pulled back from him? Why had I refused to see that my father only wanted what was best for me and would always love me?

“Come on. Let’s go talk,” he whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear.

I nodded, following him to the sanctuary to the first row. He sat down, holding my hand in his as he stared up at the cross.

“You know, when I first became a minister, I struggled with the simplest things. I strongly believed this was my line of work, but I wasn’t sure I could be completely devoted to God.” He turned and smiled at me. “It’s not always an easy road.”

“Dad—”

“And it’s not a road for everyone. You do great work at the church, but that doesn’t mean it was what you were meant to do.” He cupped my hand, staring down at our intertwined fingers. “I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you, but maybe it’s time you go your own way.”

I swiped the tears from my eyes, staring at him like I’d never seen him before. “But you always wanted this for me.”

He nodded. “I always wanted you to be happy, and I thought you had found that in the church. But you have to find something you’re passionate about and move toward it. You won’t be serving God if you’re unhappy with what you’re doing. I think maybe that’s what all the drunken nights were about.”

I gaped at him. “You knew?”

He chuckled, his lips twitching as he looked at me. “Christa, I was once young. I had my doubts and went through my own kind of rebellion. And you reeked of alcohol.”

I winced, remembering how he stopped by.

“And I imagine that man was at your house when I came by.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“Well, most daughters don’t tell their father they have a strange man in their bedroom. Frankly, I’m grateful you tried to spare me.”

I sighed, sitting back in the pew as I stared up at the cross. “I think I’ve made a mess of my life. First with Paul, and then with Max.”

“Max didn’t want you?”

“Max…wanted life on an island. But…I think he did love me in his own way.”

“And do you love him?”

I shot my father a look. “Seriously, Dad, you met him. He’s completely wrong for me. He swears in church. He almost burned it down by lighting a cigar from the candles!”

To my surprise, my father chuckled. “And do you think all God’s creatures are perfect?”

“Dad—”

“Hear me out.” He shifted in his seat to face me. His face turned serious. “If he’s not right for you, don’t pursue him. But if you feel even half of what I feel for your mother when you’re with him, then maybe you need to ask yourself if you’re really ready to walk away.”

“But it would never work.”

“Are you sure about that? Christa, I’ve never seen you more uncertain about yourself than I have over these past few weeks. And since you returned from your vacation, I’ve never seen you more unhappy. What happened down there?”

Ooh, this was the part I was hoping not to tell him. But I had to have faith that he would forgive me. I took a deep breath and blurted it out. “I got drunk and married Max.”

He turned and closed his eyes.

“Dad…say something.”

“I’m praying.”

“For my soul?”

“For the courage not to laugh.” He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “I was not expecting you to say that.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to laugh.”

“So, you weren’t on vacation.”

“Not really. His boss abandoned us in Hawaii. Apparently, he flew us down there and practically facilitated the wedding.”

“And why would he do that?”

I shrugged. “I guess he thought I would be good for Max.”

“Best intentions,” my father nodded. “Christa…can I give you some advice?”

Here it was. I knew this was coming. He was going to try and save my soul. “Of course.”

“Make yourself happy.”

“What?” I asked, a little shocked.

“If he makes you happy, then what are you doing here?”

“Dad—”

“I don’t want to hear about how it would never work. Did you give it a chance?”

“Well, I?—”

“Spent a week with him and then ran away.”

“Hey, he decided not to come back with me,” I said indignantly.

“Yes, you’re both stubborn. But relationships take work. And if you really think you might have something with Max, then you should see where it could go.”

“Then…you’ve forgiven me about the whole sex thing?”

He cringed slightly. “Not that I want to think about my daughter having sex, but I’m aware it happens. How do you think you were born?”

“Yes, but it wasn’t out of wedlock.”

He sighed, smiling at me. “I don’t judge you for what you’ve done. As long as you make peace with God about it, that’s all that concerns me. But more than anything, I want you to be happy. I want you to choose a path that’s right for you, no matter where that takes you.”

I couldn’t believe he was saying this. It lifted a weight from my chest, putting me at ease. I flung myself into his arms and held him tight. “Thank you so much.”

“I love you, Christa. Nothing could change that.”

I smiled, then leapt up from the pew and raced down the aisle.

“Where are you going?”

“To get my husband!”