Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

ASHER

S he stands there trembling in front of me, still fully dressed. There was always a vulnerability to her, but it was layered under a mass of fire and attitude. Looking at her, I know the fire has been extinguished, she looks unsure of herself now, her light now dimmer.

I lived in a dream-like state, barely interacting with the world after Ellie died. The only two that saw glimpses of the real me were Chase and Jax and that took years, but the night of Harper’s nineteenth birthday pulled me from that. This girl, who was a bundle of energy, hope, and sass, woke me up to what this world could be.

She had been out with her friends, and I was driving around town, unable to sleep like usual, when I saw her walking in torrential rain with her shoes in her hand and the tiniest dress you’ve ever seen. I pulled over, knowing she was Brooke and Nate’s friend, and offered her a lift. She refused, just smiling through my passenger window, pretty inebriated.

I thought she was crazy and drunk at the time. I jumped out of the car, rushing to put my jacket around her and she laughed.

“Don’t you feel that, Ash?”

“Feel what? How crazy we are right now?”

She grabbed my hand and put it to her heart and just smiled at me. I could feel her heart pounding underneath it, and I knew if she reached out to feel mine, it would have been racing too.

“The rain makes me feel alive.”

Two moments later, she bowled over and vomited all over my new sneakers, but hey, for those ten seconds that I could feel her heart under the palm of my hand, I knew mine would beat for her forever.

I tried with her, I did—I tasted her sweetness for the first time, and it blew up my world, but that’s when I knew. My sins would soon consume her, so I pushed her away. I was downright awful to her. I paraded every girl I could in front of her, knowing how much it would hurt her. I thought pushing her away would make her safe, but instead, I pushed her right into the arms of the man who took everything from me, and as I stand here now with my girl trembling in front of me in fear of a man touching her again, I make a silent promise to her. I will not let them take who she is away from her like they did with Ellie. I will help her find her fire again.

“I need you to hold the hoodie up for me while I wrap this around you. I’m going to have to hold the first bit to your skin so it stays in place.”

She nods slowly, but I can see how difficult this is for her. Her fingers go to the hem of the sweatshirt, and she takes a deep breath before rolling it up. I don’t know whether to move quickly or slowly, but I move anyway. I unwrap the tape placing one part on her skin. I feel her flinch as she looks away, closing her eyes. Her breathing is so uneven, and I can feel her fighting back the urge to run. I unwrap the bandage even more, moving around where I feel the rib under the bruising. I don’t dare speak—it’s not broken from what I can tell but I don’t want to push her so far she can’t handle this, so I refrain myself from putting any pressure on it to check. I continue wrapping her ribs up before taping the last part down.

I pull my hands away from her, “Okay, it’s done. You can look now.”

She doesn’t look, but I can hear her crying. I want to pull her into my arms, tell her it’s going to be okay, but I can’t do either. All I can do is be here for her and give her time to try and heal.

“Harper, I promise you I won’t touch you again without your permission.”

She turns her face to me, her cheeks stained with tears still falling.

“I…it’s not just that.”

“Then what?” I say gently.

“You’re only being nice to me because of what happened to me.”

I want to tell her she’s wrong, but she isn’t. If this hadn’t happened then I would be the Asher she’s seen the last few months.

“It’s not what you think.”

She shakes her head. “I’m so tired, Asher. I’m tired of fighting with you. I’m tired of all of it.”

“I’m not going to fight with you, Harper. I’m not going to push you away anymore. One day, we will talk about it, about us, but for now, just know I’ll never be able to say sorry enough and I’m going to help you in any way I can because nothing else matters.”

There’s a moment when our eyes connect and I see her, truly see her. My girl is still in there and though she might be a little bruised and broken right now, she will always be my girl inside.

“Ash…”

The doorbell cuts her off and she jolts. She’s like a panicked bunny ready to run.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s our food, remember we ordered?”

Her panic is rising, her eyes darting round. She sounds like she’s hyperventilating again.

“Harper, talk to me about the rain. Why do you like the rain?”

“The rain?”

“The rain. You remember what you said to me that night.”

“It…it makes me feel alive.”

“That’s right.” I grab my phone, loading up a track that I downloaded that reminds me of her and that night, it helps me sleep sometimes. Rain drops flood through my sound system. It’s a meditation track, but really, it’s just the sound of rain hitting a glass window. I watch her look up at me as her breathing gets slower.

“That’s it, baby, focus on that feeling—on the sound of the water.”

She takes a few seconds, but as the doorbell rings again, she doesn’t panic. She starts to settle before she looks up, offering me a small smile.

“I’m gonna get the door, but I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay.”

I head downstairs, running, not wanting to leave her too long. I basically rip the bag from the delivery driver and shut the door without even saying anything before taking three steps at a time to get back to her. She’s on the floor in the corner, her knees pulled to her chest, her eyes closed as she focuses on her breathing.

“Harper”

Her eyes flutter open, and she slowly stands up. “I’m fine.”

“How about we just hang here for tonight? We can lock the door and just chill in my bedroom?”

She offers me a half smile. “I would like that.”

“Okay, let me grab a couple of drinks from the kitchen, and then I’ll be back.”

She walks over to the bed, taking a seat as I place the bag of food on it. By the time I head downstairs to lock the door and grab the drinks, she’s opened everything and is tucking into her shoestring fries. I lean against the doorframe, smiling—it’s good to see her eating. That was one of my biggest worries. It’s only been a few days, but she looks thin. She looks up, her eyes meeting mine and for a moment, time stops. She smiles at me before patting the bed next to her. “I think it will be okay if you sit here.”

I close the door behind me, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, still aware that if I get too close, she might bolt.

“Good?” I ask her to look at her fries.

“The best. I honestly didn’t think I would see these again. I didn’t think I would see anything again.”

Guilt consumes me—this is all my fault, and I know it. Brooke was right before; we had gotten cocky, thinking we were untouchable.

“I am so sorry, Harper. I know they’re just words considering everything you’ve gone through, but…”

She cuts me off. “I need to know everything, but not now. Right now, I just want to feel safe.”

“You are.”

She shakes her head at me. “I’m not, not while those that rap—the guys that hurt me are out there still.”

I knew it but hearing her nearly say it collapses my entire world.

“I’ll kill each and every one of them for touching you, Harper.”

“Ash.”

“Yes?”

“Do you have anything that will make me feel better, make me numb, even if it’s just for a little bit?”

I exhale loudly, knowing what she’s talking about. I’m worried if I give her something, she’ll go down that path and not be able to get out of it.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why? You do it all the time to try and deal with your pain.”

“My pain?”

“You think I don’t see it; you don’t think anyone does. You act so blasé with everything, but it’s because you’re afraid. You’re afraid that if you care too much, you’ll get hurt, you’ll lose someone. Maybe you already have, but you use that stuff to deal with your pain, so you don’t have to talk about it.”

This girl sees me, the real me. It’s always why I’ve been scared to get close to her. I don’t want to expose her to that despair I feel, that loss. Since my sister died, I’ve felt like I was falling, and I’ve never stopped, but Harper is the solid footing that makes me feel like I’ve hit the ground finally.

“You can have some but after you eat, and not all the time.”

She nods, picking up another fry and eating it silently. I lean in, pick up my bacon cheeseburger and take a bite. We sit in silence, just eating. She stops after about half her fries; she manages a couple of bites of her burger too, before she puts it down.

“I can’t eat anything else.”

“That’s okay. You did really well, baby.”

“Ash. Please don’t call me that. There was a time I would have loved hearing you say that again, but not anymore. You’ve made it clear time and time again how you feel about me and it’s not that way.”

“Harper, it’s not that.”

“I don’t care. Just stop.”

I swallow hard, nodding my head as I drop the rest of my burger into the wrapper.

“Okay.”

I clear up the trash quietly, knowing I need to respect her wishes.

“I’m getting another drink; do you want something?”

“A soda if you have one.”

I stand up, take the trash with me, and head to the kitchen. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of her that way right now, her as mine. I’ve spent months pushing her away to protect her and it never worked, and now all I want to do is pull her close and kiss her and keep her safe, but I can’t, not now, maybe not ever. I pushed away the one girl who could have saved me from this despair and now she will never want me again. I grab a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard, pouring out a glass before downing it. I let it burn my throat before pouring another and doing the same. The sinking feeling hits and hits hard. All I want to do right now is get fucked up, but I can’t. Not now.

I put the lid back on, grabbing two sodas before heading back to the bedroom. I hand her a drink before going over to my drawer. I roll up a joint and give it to her. “Have you ever done this before?”

She nods. “A couple of times.”

“This is probably stronger than the stuff you’ve had before, so go easy.”

She places it between her lips, and I hold the lighter close until it catches before rolling myself up as I watch her pull on it. She leans back against the pillow, blowing out the smoke into the air. I don’t like seeing her smoke, but if anyone gets the need to feel numb, it’s me.

“Are you okay if I lay on the bed with you?”

She looks at me, biting her lip nervously. “I think so.”

I do it slowly so as not to startle her before lighting my own joint up.

“Ash, was me seeing Nate a dream?”

“No. He’s alive.”

“How? I mean. Does Brooke know?”

“She only found out after you were taken—she hasn’t seen him.”

“I thought I was dead when I saw him. I was happy, you know. I thought finally I was at peace, and they couldn’t hurt me anymore, but instead, this is hell.”

“What do you mean?”

“This is hell. This world, this life. Only in hell could that have happened. I must be truly awful for this to happen to me.”

“Oh, Harper, no, you’re not in hell. And you’re not awful. You’re easily the best person I know. It didn’t happen because of you but because of me. I got careless and I slipped up.”

She takes a long pull of her soda. “And I paid the price.”

“Yes.”

She takes a moment to digest that.

“Does everyone know about Nate?”

“Chase and Jax and a couple of others do. We had to keep the circle tight to protect him.”

“And his dad? Is that why he called off the investigation?”

“No. He doesn’t know, neither does his mom. Chase convinced his dad it would hurt his mom to drag the investigation on when the guy who killed him was dead.”

“How are you not in prison? The police came—they know you killed that guy.”

“My father has friends in high places. Nothing more than that.”

“You killed that guy at the party that drugged me, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Because he was going to rape me?”

“Yes.”

“How many people have you killed?”

“More than I care to admit.”

“Will you kill me?”

Those words shake me to my core. How could she think I would do that?

“What? Harper, no.”

“You’re a serial killer, Asher. You’ve killed a lot of people, I can tell.”

“No, I mean yes, I have killed people, more than a couple, but I only kill bad people. Guys like those that took you.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why go after them in the first place? It’s pretty clear I was payback for you doing that, so I’m asking you why did I have to pay the price?”

“Because they’re the reason my sister is dead.”

She goes silent. She looks down at the blunt in her hand, watching it burn.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry. They took her too?”

“No, they raped her at a party and a few days later, she killed herself, she slit her wrists in the bath.”

“That’s why you took everything away earlier?”

“I didn’t want to risk it.”

“I’m not going to kill myself, Asher. I don’t know how to deal with all of this, but killing myself is not going to be my answer.”

I take a long pull, letting the drug sweep through me, but it does nothing to take that fear away.

“You might, I didn’t think my sister would.”

“No, I won’t, I won’t lie. It’s tempting to think of having these feelings gone, but that’s not the way.”

“Then what is?”

“I don’t know.”

She sighs as the blunt in her hand burns out. She lifts it to me and I put it in an ashtray beside my bed. Stubbing out my own.

I stand up off the bed before lifting the covers. She slips under them, looking so tiny in my bed. I lay the covers over her gently.

I watch a tear roll from her eyes. Reaching out to brush it away automatically, she tenses as she sees my hand come nearer. I drop my hand, sighing. I know this isn’t her fault. “Sleep, Harper. I’ll be here when you wake up.” I move toward the door to turn off the lights, but she sits up suddenly.

“Don’t leave me.”

“I’m just gonna turn the lights off, Harps. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

She nods, settling down back under the covers in bed.

I switch the light off before walking over to my closet. Typing a code into a little black case, I pull out my gun and tuck it into my waistband. I always keep it loaded. Walking over to the chair in the corner, I settle down in it.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna stay here and keep watch. Sleep Harper. I promise you’ll be safe tonight.”

They know where I live—that much is clear—not that I’m telling her that right now. The only reason I’m still here is because I was waiting for her. I need to get her out. I have another house under a false name at the edge of town. All of us do. I’ll take her there tomorrow when she wakes up, but until then, I’m staying in this chair with my gun ready in case they come here, knowing she’s gone. I look over and she’s out, softly breathing as she sleeps.

I turn my phone on, sending a text to Nate and he responds with the code word, so I call him.

“Are you clear?”

“Yeah. I’m alone at this apartment they got me, and they don’t suspect anything. They won’t know she’s missing until tomorrow. I got her out before the final move, but my covers still good for now.”

“First sign of trouble you get out.”

“I will. Is she doing okay?”

“All things considered, I think so. I’m moving us tomorrow. Chase, Jax, and B too.”

“I think that’s a good call. If they know who you are, they know where you live.”

“Nate. Thank you. For finding her.”

“There was no way I was going to leave her.”

“I know, but I thought I should say it.”

“Asher, does Brooke know I’m alive?”

“Yes.”

“Shit. Is she okay?”

“Not at all, but she will be.”

“Her and Chase…they’re together, right?”

I sigh, Chase is my best friend, my brother but I do feel sorry for Nate. He lost the girl of his dreams to another guy, his own brother. “Yeah, they are.”

“That’s good. They need each other.”

“Are you doing okay?”

“Not really but I want what’s best for her and Chase.”

Harper stirs in her sleep, whimpering.

“Nate, I have to go, but make sure you check in with us tomorrow.”

“I will.”

“Stay safe, bro.”

I hang up the phone, looking over at my girl. I pull my gaze from her to the bedroom door. It’s going to be a long night.