Chapter 26

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

HARPER

T he next few days go in a blur. We got ourselves tested, gave fake names obviously, and Asher picked us up a burner phone each so that we could receive the results. The whole experience was mortifying. One of the nurses saw the faded bruises and thought Ash was abusing me—you could see it in her eyes. It didn’t help that she pulled me to the side and told me if I needed help, I could tell her.

Help?

No one can help me now.

I’m too far gone.

Even Ash can’t help me now; he tries, but the truth is it feels suffocating. Everyone wants me to deal with it like I can just brush it off. I haven’t slept in Asher’s bed since that night and the nightmares are back. I wake up screaming, drenched in sweat. Asher is there every night at the foot of my bed, waiting for me to fall asleep again, but I don’t let him near me. We lost control of our senses and because of that, I might have just condemned him. Hell, we shouldn’t have even kissed, let alone fucked.

A year ago, I would have done anything for Asher to give me the time of day, to just notice me and now I can’t bear to have him look at me.

I used the burner phone to message Nate last night and he’s coming to meet me in about an hour. I need him. I need to see him, to talk to him. Me and Nate are best friends, I know with him, I can share how I’m feeling and he won’t judge me for it. The truth is I’ve always felt a little like a third wheel with Nate and Brooke, being the last addition to the group, but I also know no matter what, he would always be there for me when I needed him. Nate knows more about me than anyone and I think if anyone can understand how I’m feeling, it’s him.

I take a deep breath on the patio of the house. I came out here needing fresh air, yet everything feels so toxic, like the only air I’m breathing is poison.

I still haven’t talked to Brooke or Chase. I have all this anger toward her that I don’t know what to do with. Out of everyone, she betrayed me the most. She was my friend, and she knew what was happening. I know she tried to warn me about Kyle, but if she had told me the truth I would have stopped, I would have listened. She knew how I was dealing with Asher and the guy who drugged me at that party and she didn’t say a word to me.

I was all for her and Chase. I love Nate, but he was never going to be right for her. He wanted a life with kids and a wife that would love him and cherish him. Brooke is too much of a free spirit for that and I knew she was meant to be with Chase. But then she turned around and ditched me the second she got with him. I know she was dealing with stuff; I know how hard this all is, but she did nothing to help me. I was breaking, trying to deal with Nate’s death and what happened, and she just left. Ash and Jax want me to talk to her, but I can’t.

Then, Asher and I have barely spoken since we slept together. He tries, but I keep shutting him down. I know I’m being a bitch. I wanted him to sleep with me and when he did, I cut him off completely.

Those moments we spent together were, well, it’s hard to describe. I love that man. I love how he cares for me and how he makes sure I am comfortable with him. Everything was perfect. Then, the world came crashing down and burst the bubble we had built for ourselves. I keep fucking up things and part of me wonders if I should leave him. I can see how much he’s hurting, see the pain in his eyes every time I pull back. I see the guilt he feels for what happened to me, and it’s all-consuming. Not just him but me.

A horn beeps and as I look up, seeing Nate in a car pulling up. I smile, standing up as he gets out of his car. Asher comes out and stands beside me.

“You can’t leave the community, Harper. It’s too dangerous.”

I look up at him and sigh. “Asher, I’m dying here. I can’t breathe I need to escape for a little while. We will only be gone for a couple of hours, and no one even knows us out here.”

“No.”

Nate looks between us, sensing the tension and stops leaning against the car.

“You can’t tell me what to do, Ash. I’m leaving with Nate, and that’s final.”

“No, you’re fucking not, Harper. I let you get hurt once because I wasn’t there for you. I’m not letting it happen again.”

I reach up, caressing his cheek. “So, this is what it’s about.” I drop my hand, “Asher, I’ll be safe, I promise. I just need some time away from here.”

“From me, more like.”

His words feel like a slap because he’s right. “Yes,” I whisper.

He nods his jaw tensing; he walks over to Nate.

“Stay close. If anything happens, we can’t take an hour to get to you. You need to be within a few minutes of us because otherwise, it’s too late. If it was up to me, you wouldn’t be taking her anyway, but she’s her own keeper. You have a weapon?”

He pulls his shirt up, flashing a gun at him.

“Look after her, Nate. She’s my entire world.”

“I will, Asher, I promise.”

He turns, not looking at me and walks into the house.

“C’mon, Harper, Let’s get out of here.” He opens the car door for me and before I know it, we’re past the gates and on the road. For the first time, I can breathe freely.

“So, you going to tell me what’s going on between you and Asher? The last time I saw you, it looked like you had worked your shit out.”

“I…I slept with him.”

He looks at me cocking his eyebrow up. “That should have been a good thing, surely. I mean, I know sex doesn’t make everything better, but still…wait… Small dick? He’s got a micro penis, doesn’t he?”

I laugh, smacking him on the shoulder. “No, he does not. He’s more than perfect, thank you very much.”

He pulls into a little diner. “I was thinking we could get some food to take out and then we could talk?”

“Sounds good to me.”

We walk into the diner, and he walks straight up to the counter. “Two sodas, two double cheeseburgers, fries, and onion rings. You want anything else?”

I shake my head. He pays the cashier and then pulls me over to sit on the bench in the waiting area.

“How are you, Harps? Really?”

I shrug, “Barely surviving.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close as I rest my head on his.

“I’m trying, you know. I keep pushing on but…” I trail off.

“Harper, you went through a lot. You’re not going to get over this overnight. I can’t imagine what you went through, but I have heard stories about the guys you were taken to.”

I pull my head off his shoulder, looking at him. “I haven’t told Ash about them, I can’t.”

“I’m not going to force you to talk, but I am here if you need.”

“I know, I want to but not here.”

“So, you and Asher…you want to talk to me about that?”

“We’re complicated.”

“Well, I know I seem like a dumb jock at times, but I can deal with complicated pretty well.”

“He told me he loved me. Everything that happened between us was because he was trying to keep me safe.” I snort because look how well that turned out.

“Okay, and how do you feel?”

“You know how I feel about him, that hasn’t changed. Ash is a part of me despite everything that’s happened between us.”

“But…”

“But things are different now. I want a life with him, Nate. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. The night we slept together just cemented that. He was so careful with me just in case I was triggered, and it was perfect.”

“So, what’s the problem here, Harper?”

“We had to get tested because of what happened to me.”

“Shit, Harper, I didn’t think.”

“It’s okay.”

“Have you got the results?”

“Not yet. It should be any day now.”

“Order for Jimmy.” The sound of our order being called leads to Nate jumping up and grabbing the bags as I take the sodas.

“There’s a nice little clearing up the road. Let’s get there and we can unpack everything.”

A few minutes later, we’re sitting on a blanket in the middle of a field. The cool October air surrounds us, but it’s warm enough for now.

“So, is that it? I don’t mean it like that but is that what’s keeping you from being happy with him?”

I drop my fry on the paper. “It’s one of the things—the other is the complicated part. I’ve changed, Nate. I’m not the same girl I was. How could I be? Ash wants to keep me safe, to protect me. But it feels like I’m suffocating. I frightened him the other night. When I confronted those men.”

“You killed them, I heard from Jax.”

“Did you hear how?”

He nods. “If you had asked me a year ago if you could have done that, I would have said hell no. But Harps, our lives are different. I’m not the quarterback and you’re not the popular girl anymore. Our lives are bloody and difficult. It’s surprising how quickly it can all change.”

“I think he still wants me to be that girl, but I can’t anymore. She’s gone.”

“She’s not gone, she’s still there. She’s just capable of pouring bleach down a guy’s throat now.”

He grins and then laughs.

“Seriously, Harper. You’re still you at your core, you’re just more now. I think Ash is worrying you’re going to lose that part of yourself and just be this whole other person and I can understand that. I worry about Tink in that way.”

“Have you spoken to her yet?”

“No. Me and Brooke, I have a lot to unpack.”

“Because she’s with your brother.”

“Yes, in part. The truth is, for so many years, she was the girl I could see myself marrying. I was blinded by that and lived in ignorance for years. I had our lives mapped out in my mind. But that life is gone now. Not just because she’s with Chase but because of everything else. The same way you’re more than who you were, I am too now. I don’t think, when this is all done, I’m coming back.”

“Wait, what?”

“My parents buried me, Harper. Everyone thinks I’m dead, and if I’m honest, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You know, my dad wanted Chase to take over the business and he wanted me to play sports. It had always been like that and then Chase made it clear he wasn’t interested, and so my dad turned to me. I don’t want that. Truthfully, I’m not sure if I wanted to be a football star either. I need to figure out what’s right for me and I think if I go back, then I won’t be able to do that. Plus, you know I faked my own death—that’s kind of illegal.”

Everything he says hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I’m grieving him all over again.

“Don’t cry, Harper.” I reach up, wiping the tears I didn’t know had fallen.

“I’m sorry, I just. It was so hard when I thought you were dead and seeing you is like a miracle, and now you’re telling me you’re leaving.”

“Not now, not for a while, and I’m still not sure what I’m doing.”

“I don’t want to have a life without my best friend.”

“Which is why you need to sort things with Brooke. You haven’t mentioned her, which means you still haven’t fixed things with her.”

I go quiet because how do I even begin.

“I know you blame her, Harper because she lied to you.”

“She didn’t just lie to me—she abandoned me.”

“I know, but she had a lot of guilt for what happened between her and me, and then she found herself unable to resolve it and she snapped.”

“I know you’re right, Nate, but logic has no right to this table.”

He laughs, “Okay, fair enough.”

“I just need some semblance of normal, but not this fake kind, but I keep being told I can’t leave the fucking community. It’s suffocating.”

“Well, why don’t I try to convince the guys to have a night out? I mean, we don’t have to go back home. We’re miles away where no one knows us.”

“Asher barely let me leave with you, you think he’s going to let us go into town?”

“Maybe.”

“It does sound nice, though, to just try and get a little of our lives on track again. I know nothing is going to be the same again, but at least we can get back to living a little.”

“I’ll try my best, Harper.”

“Thank you. I really mean it Nate, I really needed this, needed you.”

“Harper, I need to say something. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for leaving you in that house, But I promise from now on, I will always be there when you need me.”

I give him a hug, burying my face in his neck. “I told you I don’t want you carrying that. You didn’t know it was me.”

“I still left a girl there regardless. I knew what would happen.”

“You did what you could. If you did anything more, you would have been killed and we both know it.”

“You would have been worth it, Harps.”

I pull away from him, wiping a tear from my eyes. Fuck these emotions.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asks me tentatively.

“You know what happened in that room?”

He nods. “Yeah, I heard from Chase, I hope that’s okay.”

I nod. “It makes it easier that I don’t have to talk about that part again,”

“I know what Deacon did to you too, Harper. I…”

I cut him off, shaking my head. “Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.”

“We’re going to get him, you know.”

I nod. “After that night, I was drugged, and I woke up in a cell. I was chained to a table on my stomach. He had put a gag in my mouth, like one of those things that they use in bondage stuff.”

“A ball gag?” He sounds horrified.

“Yeah, that.”

“Fuck.”

“Turned out this guy was into that stuff in a really fucked up way. He hit me with different things, erm, like a wooden board and a whip. It wasn’t hard enough to leave permanent damage but hard enough that it left me bruises. He did it for hours. He was wearing a mask and didn’t talk. Then he put a belt around my throat, and well…”

He doesn’t say anything.

“He raped me. I could hear him grunting in my ear every time he pulled on the belt. I can still smell his breath. I passed out afterward and I woke up in the forest. I had no shoes on, and uh well, it was a game, and I ran, but he caught me and then he, well, he did it again before he dragged me back to the cage.”

“Fuck, that was the first guy, right? I’ll find out who he was, I promise.”

I nod quietly, lost in my thoughts. “The next guy was worse. He was into choking me until I was unconscious. I would wake up and he would be raping me. He said I looked good as a corpse and that he was going to ask permission to fuck me when I was killed.”

I still remember his face when he said that to me. I remember his smile, the look of twisted joy he had. I saw how hard he got at the thought of fucking my lifeless corpse. He stroked himself over me until he came over my body. The rape was the least bad part of it. It was the utter horror of knowing there’s men out there that do this stuff, knowing I would most likely die rotting in his basement, being defiled every day.

“I don’t really wanna talk about him anymore, Nate. I can’t go into it. Not more than that.”

He pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around me, but I don’t cry, not this time. I feel numb, empty. I can’t deal with those emotions and I’m thankful my brain has shut me off from them.

“The final guy, you know. You saved me from him.”

He lets go, taking my hand in his. “Harper, when, if I leave, you can come with me if you want, fresh starts for both of us.”

I shake my head. “No, because that means they win.”

“Harper, moving on with your life when this is done doesn’t mean you’re letting them win.”

“Nate, you can say all you want, but leaving here isn’t moving on. You’re running away. I understand it and I won’t try to talk you out of it if that’s what you choose, but I won’t run. It’s not in me.”

I can see the gears in his head moving. “I don’t see it as running away. I see it as leaving all of this behind and moving on with my life. We are going to have to do things that I don’t think any of us will come back from, maybe we already have, and I don’t think Asheville will be the place for me anymore.”

“I think you’re right. We’ve both changed, Nate, we all have, and I think we still will, but maybe I can hold on to a little bit of the old Harper too, after all.”

He gives me a smile before throwing a fry at me. I catch it in my mouth, and he laughs. “Yeah, there’s definitely still a little bit of you in there.”

I smirk at him, shoving another fry in my mouth.

“So, what are you going to do about Asher?”

My phone buzzes before I have a chance to respond and I look down at it, opening it up. My breath gets heavier as I read it.

“Nate, I need to get back, I’m sorry. It’s important.”

“Is everything okay?”

“I just need to see Asher and like now.”

“Is that your results?”

I nod as a tear slides down my cheek.

He grabs everything up quickly and before I can acknowledge the thoughts in my mind, we’re in the car driving back.