4. Mai

Chapter four

Mai

“ I … it’s nothing, really. Stop worrying.”

Ryan pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “I’ll never stop worrying. You’re my everything, Mai. That means my whole world is making sure you’re okay and happy.”

A warmth spread through my chest, but I still had that pulse of doubt. A familiar, unwelcome visitor lurking at the back of my mind, whispering when I least expected it. I thought I’d done away with that voice long ago, that I’d buried my insecurities after finally becoming Alpha here. I’d proven myself. Time and time again, I had fought, bled, and led. I wasn’t the girl running from everything she feared anymore.

But what if I could never really get rid of that doubt? What if it would always be lying in wait for the right moment to rear its head?

I was so scared.

And I hated myself for it.

I’d thought I’d finally exorcised those demons, the ones that whispered I wasn’t good enough. I’d thought becoming Alpha had silenced them, but now that I was carrying new life, this time, it wasn’t just about me. It wasn’t about being capable of leading or fighting anymore; it was about protecting. Not just myself. But our child. And our Pack. Could I really do both?

Images of my nightmares returned—ghastly, vivid, more real than the Christmas tree right in front of me.

I had fought so hard to show everyone I could hold my own, shoulder to shoulder with Ryan and his brothers. But in my dreams, it was always the same. I’d find myself in the middle of a fight, my skin slick with sweat, claws drawn, my body vibrating with the thrill of battle. Ryan would be there, too, fighting back-to-back with me.

But then, something … something would happen. It was different each time.

A flash to my left. A snarl to my right. And suddenly, I’d falter. Not because I wasn’t strong enough—but I hesitated. I hung back. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure if my baby and I could take the hit. If I could afford the consequences. And in that split second, Ryan would turn—his instincts sharper than mine, protecting me without thinking—but the opening he left would be enough for his opponent to lunge at whoever was fighting beside us.

The faces were always different.

Sometimes, it was Derek, his body crumpling under the weight of his attacker. Sometimes, it was Jase, his maroon wolf lifeless in the snow.

I had dreamed of Sofia once, blood pooling around her hair as I called out her name, but no sound had come from my throat.

Last night, it was Ben.

My nightmares were relentless, as though they were trying to remind me that no matter what I did, my decisions would lead to the death of someone I cared about. And now I constantly wondered, what would happen to our Pack during an attack if I found myself too slow, too distracted by my fear for our child? I had always trusted my instincts in battle. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

I couldn’t afford to be vulnerable.

I felt Ryan’s eyes on me. Ryan. Steady and watchful, sensing, as always, something shifting within me.

I had to figure this out. I had to find a way to silence that voice inside that said I wasn’t strong enough to do it all.

Because the alternative was too terrible to imagine. I wouldn’t let anyone be harmed because of me. Not our baby. Not Derek. Not Jase. Not Sofia. Not Ben.

Not Ryan.

Fuck! I didn’t know how to deal with this. Ryan was right. I was on edge; I was letting my temper flare up, but it was like I had no control over it. One minute, I was calm, the next, I wanted to rip out the throat of the next person who breathed within a ten-foot radius around me. What if I lost my temper during a fight? If I made rash decisions in the heat of battle rather than being clear-headed and calculating? What if I made a mistake, put me and the baby at risk, and forced Ryan to come and protect us, leaving someone else vulnerable?

I had to tell Ryan. He knew me too well. He’d seen the nightmares wear at me, pick at the edges of my sanity in the dead of night. He’d kissed away the sweat on my forehead in the mornings, held me tighter in ways that made everything feel alright for just a moment. But that wouldn’t last. Not if I didn’t deal with this head-on.

I swallowed.

“Mai?”

Right. Of course, he could feel what I was feeling through our bond.

He shook his head and growled. “This is why I wanted it to be just us tonight. We need to talk. Properly. Without the rest of the Pack around. I’m going to get to the bottom of what’s in your head, Mai, and we’re going to sort it out.”

“Rya—“

“I told you to stop doing that!” Amara stomped into the room, her blue hair a wild mess from the winter wind. Cameron Blake, one of our enforcers who had just started dating Amara, followed her in.

“Doing what? Being nice?” Cameron’s voice was calm, though I caught the slight upturn at the corner of his mouth. “Because that’s all I did. I bought you a coffee.”

“It wasn’t just a coffee!” Amara spun around, jabbing a finger at his chest. “It was some fancy caramel-praline-whatever thing with extra whipped cream and those little chocolate sprinkles I mentioned liking ONE TIME three weeks ago!”

Ben eyed Cameron warily, clearly not yet sure whether to take his sister’s side or not.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Cameron drawled, crossing his arms. “I didn’t realize remembering what you like was a capital offense.”

“That’s not—“ Amara spluttered, her cheeks flushing. “You can’t just—people don’t just do things like that!”

“Normal people do,” Wally chimed in helpfully. “It’s called being thoughtful, honey.”

Amara shot him a glare that could have melted steel. “Stay out of this!”

I felt Ryan’s chest rumble with silent laughter against my back.

“And the scarf!” She yanked at the soft-looking green fabric around her neck. “I didn’t ask for this!”

“You were shivering,” Cameron stated matter-of-factly. “It’s winter. People wear scarves in winter.”

“I can buy my own scarves!”

“Of course you can. But I saw this one and thought of you. That’s allowed, you know. Boyfriends do that sometimes.”

The word “boyfriends” seemed to throw Amara even more off-balance. She opened and closed her mouth several times, clearly searching for another argument and coming up empty.

Finally, she threw her hands up in defeat. “You’re impossible!” She stomped over to where Ben sat, flopping down next to him with a dramatic huff, though I noticed she didn’t take the scarf off.

Ryan, with his annoying habit of never forgetting anything, looked at me. “You were going to say something.”

I exhaled slowly and nodded. “Later. Right now, let’s just enjoy this.”

He didn’t argue with me, which told me he knew just how important this moment felt. The balance of it all—the warmth, the safety—was too fragile to disturb right then. But his arm slipped around my waist, pulling me to his side, and for a heartbeat, I let myself lean into him, just feeling his steady presence.

“You know I’m here, right? No matter what? We’ll figure it out.”

We’ll figure it out.

I closed my eyes and let his words wash over me, allowing myself to believe it, even if just for tonight.