7 Shared Secrets and Farewell Skies

Shared Secrets and Farewell Skies

Cael

STEPHAN:

Your mom said you're away. Just checking in. Miss you, man.

I STARED AT S TEPHAN'S MESSAGE, THEN LEFT IT ON READ AND MUTED MY cell. His unanswered messages were now in their hundreds, and I had ignored every one of them. The truth was, I couldn't face my best friend. I couldn't face my parents. They'd texted me constantly since being here, and I had ignored every single one. Their calls too. I left it to Mia and Leo to tell them I was safe.

I couldn't face anyone from home. Especially now. I was split open from yesterday with Savannah. I couldn't stop thinking about finding her out on the ledge, sobbing and falling apart. How she'd been shaking with fury, the same destructive emotion that lived in my veins. How she'd screamed at me, her pretty face contorted with pain. And I couldn't stop thinking about the jetty. Her vulnerability, her honesty. How when I held her hand, it felt easier to breathe. Why? What had it meant? Being beside her, holding her … it had given me a moment of peace I never got. And it only grew deeper with what she'd told me.

What I'd told her.

Cillian.

I hadn't even meant to. It just … tore from me, like the confession was clawing to get out and just be heard by somebody else.

I'd told somebody about Cill. I'd told Savannah about Cill … I didn't know how to feel about it. I felt different this morning. I was completely shaken. The darkness was still there, lying low in my veins, but … shit , I'd told someone about Cillian. And the bitterness within me wasn't quite so strong. It wasn't consuming my every waking minute. I'd forgotten what this even felt like.

What was happening?

"You ready?" Travis said as I packed the last of my clothes in my case, lost to my thoughts. Today was our last climb. Tomorrow, we left for Norway. Unaware of how rattled and confused I was, Travis waited for me in the doorway as I grabbed my coat and hiking boots. He was always trying to reach out his hand for friendship. I'd shunned him at every point.

He was kicking the floor with his toe. "Sorry if I'm a lot," he said out of nowhere. It shocked me still. I met his eyes. "I don't have many friends, especially not after …" He shook his head and started for the stairs, leaving what he was saying unfinished.

I didn't know if it was Savannah's influence or if it was that I wasn't feeling myself, but I called out, "Trav." Travis turned, freckled face red from embarrassment. "We're cool."

A long exhale left his chest and made me feel like a total prick. Truth was, I hadn't gotten to know anyone on this trip. Ignored them all and hadn't cared who'd been caught in my cross fire.

Except for Savannah. But she was different. Had been different since I'd first laid eyes on her. And more so now.

"Really?" he said, expression brightening. I nodded and pointed to the front door and the bus that awaited us. I saw most of the group was on the bus already. My nerves made my hands shake when I thought about seeing Savannah again. How did I face someone I'd just told about my brother?

Everyone was talking amongst themselves when Travis and I climbed on, and I took a seat a few rows in front of where everyone else sat, not looking anyone in the eye. I wasn't trying to ignore them this time; I just needed space.

I stared out of the window at the lake. The rain had finally stopped. The clouds had cleared, and the sun was high in the sky. It was still freezing … but it wasn't as dark and depressing as yesterday.

Maybe, after speaking to Savannah, inside of me wasn't as dark and depressing either. Even just a sliver of some internal light was progress.

Running my fingertip along my bottom lip, I could still feel the softness of Savannah's hair against my mouth as I'd kissed her head and inhaled her cherry and almond scent. I still felt her soft palm against my calloused one, battered and rough from years and years of hockey. I'd needed to hold her. I didn't know if it was for her or for me, but in that moment of vulnerability, I'd had to hold her hand.

I hadn't wanted to leave that jetty. Our problems had seemed so much smaller as we huddled in that wooden hut. Our sadness was freed, just for a couple of hours, and we just … were .

The seat beside me dipped. I turned my head and my stomach flipped. Savannah. Savannah looked up at me under her long, fair lashes, blue eyes seeking permission that this was okay. That her being beside me was okay.

Her presence immediately set me at ease. No more shaking hands. And strangely, there was no regret for telling her about Cillian.

"Hey, Peaches," I said, voice strained. I felt bare and open to her gaze. Vulnerable. I wasn't used to being vulnerable to anyone. Never had been in my life. But I had been to this pretty girl from Georgia, in the rawest possible way.

Savannah dug into her backpack and brought out a sandwich bag filled with pastries and fruit. "You didn't come down to breakfast." She shrugged, that blush of hers I loved so much bursting on the skin of her cheeks. "I thought you might be hungry." I stared at this girl in wonder. This Georgia peach who had managed to climb over my high walls.

"Thanks," I said and took the bag from her. The truth was, I'd been a coward that morning. I bailed on breakfast because I didn't know what I would say to Savannah when I saw her. I didn't know how to be around someone who had seen all my hidden scars, so open and exposed like that.

I should have known she wouldn't make it awkward.

Quite the opposite … she'd made it okay.

Savannah settled into her seat. The bus began to move. I tried to not let the usual discomfort of being in a vehicle unnerve me. So, I stared out at the views that had cemented themselves inside my brain. I would never forget this place.

"Last day," Savannah said. I knew she was pushing herself to talk to me. She was even more reserved than me. I understood that it wasn't natural for her to make idle conversation. But I also understood she was trying.

For me.

"Yeah," I said and reached into the sandwich bag, bringing out a chocolate croissant. I sighed after taking a bite. I was starving.

"One more climb," I said, wanting to try to say something, to engage. To make last night not feel so big .

Savannah nodded, and then a small smile graced her pink lips. I paused mid-bite just to witness it. I didn't know how she did it, but this girl could just cut through whatever dark fog surrounded me like she wielded a sword forged of pure light.

No one on this trip smiled much. Some had smiled a little bit more here in Windermere. But, as bad as it sounded, I didn't care about anyone else's smile. Only hers. Because Savannah's smile lit up the sky when she did. Her smiles were as shy as she was, but just that small upward curl at the corner of her lip tugged like a freight train at my heart.

"I think my legs are thankful it's the last one." I felt myself smirking back, and Savannah stared at me too. Maybe in the same way I stared at her. I searched inside for any discomfort. But around her … there was only peace. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

Savannah pressed her head to the back of the seat, seeming content; then Dylan and Travis came and sat on the seats in front of us.

They leaned over the back of the chairs. "Hey, you two," Dylan said, and I caught Savannah shaking her head in humor at the boy she seemed close to. "What're you talking about?"

I wore no sign of a smirk now, and when I looked at Savannah, her smile had disappeared too. It didn't take a genius to know we were both still raw and thrown from our talk yesterday, so I said, "How annoying you both are." I surprised myself that I'd even cracked a joke. It felt strange coming from my lips.

Dylan's mouth dropped open in mock offense. "Cael. You talk! And you have a sense of humor!" Travis laughed. I used to be humorous. Before . I supposed it was the first time on this trip that I'd ever really let anyone but Savannah see an echo of the real me. Savannah's shoulders shook in quiet laughter, and when I briefly glanced at her, I saw the relief on her face. And maybe a hint of pride.

Our secret talk in the jetty was still safe. And it would only ever be ours.

"So, are we excited for Norway?" Travis asked. I shrugged. I wasn't really excited for any of the countries on this trip. But I liked this place. I was kind of sad to be leaving it. There was just something about being out here in the Lakes, away from the rest of the world, that calmed me.

"I can't wait," Dylan said. "I just hope it's not more hiking." Travis nodded in agreement.

I didn't think Savannah was going to speak, but she said, "I know people from Norway. I'm excited to see their homeland." Dylan and Travis listened for more information. But Savannah stopped there, and I noticed a slight strain to her mouth. I wondered who she knew from there and who they were to her.

Savannah didn't speak for the rest of the journey. Neither did I. But that was okay, as Dylan and Travis talked for us all. For once, their incessant chatter was kind of nice. When the bus stopped and we found ourselves at the bottom of Skiddaw, I looked up at the mountain and the ice that capped the high peaks.

One more climb.

I buckled my rucksack straps around my waist, when someone stood beside me. I looked down to see a pink beanie covering dark blond hair. Savannah peered up at me, and then she walked beside me. We climbed up hill after hill, scrambled up rocky paths, and Savannah never once left my side. When we reached the top, we stared down at the view—at the green and white quilt that the fields made, and the water that sparkled like it was made of pure glitter.

Being up this high made me feel so small. It made the world and beyond feel so infinite. So vast. It was as unsettling as it was comforting.

We climbed down and reached the bottom, breathless and tired. But we had done it. Dylan and Travis came to stand beside us, Jade and Lili flanking us too. And we all peered up at the peak we had just climbed and a surprise shot of emotion clawed up my throat. I coughed, trying to chase it away, but it only sank back down to my chest and into my stomach, pulling the muscles tight.

"You might be wondering why we brought you here, to the Lakes," Leo said and cut through the silence. He came to stand before the six of us, Mia moving next to him. His face grew somber. "You've all been through so much. I know we've barely scratched the surface on that, but this five-country trip has been designed to help you cope with your grief."

Mia stepped forward. "Resilience," she said and let that word hang in the air around us. "To cope with grief, you need resilience ."

"We brought you here to get away from the hustle and bustle of life," Leo said. "Where else more perfect than this little heaven on Earth." He gestured to the Lake District around us. "What better place than a region brimming with peaks to climb, and breathtaking views to become lost in. But a place that would also push you to your very limits."

"And you did it," Mia said, pride lacing her voice. "Jet-lagged and cold and body worn, you did it. You took what felt like an impossible task and you faced it head-on. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, you climbed these mountains, scrambling and breathless, exhausted and depleted. You did it. You made it to the other side. You. Did. It."

"If we had told you when we first got here, my guess is that you would never have believed you could do this …" Leo trailed off, and shards of ice cut down my spine. Savannah edged closer to me, the side of her hand brushing against mine. I wondered if Mia's and Leo's words were hitting her with the same impact. "But you did." Leo met each of our eyes. "Just like we will get you through your grief."

My knees felt weak, because I didn't see how I would make it through this hell I was in. I understood the metaphor. The peaks represented our grief, obstacles in our way to happiness. But I would have backed myself to climb these peaks. I was physically fit. Had a sportsman's determination. Coping with my grief? I didn't back myself at all. I worried more than anything that I could never defeat it.

Feeling myself start to spiral, I rocked on my feet, only to feel Savannah's hand brush against mine again. And I didn't know why I did it. I didn't try to overthink it, but I reached out with my little finger and I wrapped it around hers.

Her hand was trembling, and it immediately made me focus on her and shake off the panic that had settled within me. Savannah was in hell with me too. Everyone who was here was in the fire with me too.

We weren't alone.

I inhaled a deep breath. Resilience . I wasn't sure I had any when it came to coming to terms with what Cillian did. I wasn't sure Savannah did either when it came to her Poppy. But if this trip didn't help us? What then?

"Resilience," Mia repeated. "You are resilient. Each and every one of you. And you are all stronger than you know." She smiled. "We see it in you, shining as brightly as the sun. We see hope. We see bravery. We see strength."

"We're proud of you," Leo added and then left us all on the spot, to let their words soar above our heads. The long sleeves of our coats hid Savannah's and my joined fingers—still clinging on, finding strength through one another. It was our secret—how much we were keeping each other standing. I absently watched other people on the peak climbing and striving to complete the difficult route.

The sound of boots crunching on the frozen ground pulled my attention. When I looked behind me, Dylan, Travis, Jade, and Lili were heading back to Mia and Leo who were waiting at the bus.

But Savannah remained beside me, suspended in the moment.

"We did it," she said, giving a sliver of hope echoing what Mia and Leo had said. I wondered if she believed she could get through her grief too, that this trip was going to heal her, help her move on.

"We did," I said and watched an older couple reach the bottom of the peak. The woman threw herself into her husband's arms in celebration. I curled my finger tighter around Savannah's. To experience that level of happiness again seemed so out of reach.

It seemed impossible.

Savannah broke through my inner despair by quietly whispering, "I … I think Poppy would be proud of me." A slight tremble returned to her hand as she said it, and a sorrowful rasp laced her voice. This time I had to look at her. Savannah's gaze was facing the peak, so I lifted my free hand and brought my finger to her chin. Her skin was freezing to the touch. I slowly guided her face toward me. Her eyes were lowered. I waited until she lifted her blue gaze to meet mine. There were tears in her eyes, but when one fell down her cheek, it was met with a wisp of a smile.

My heart fired off into a sprint. Savannah gripped my finger tighter, and I allowed a single, fleeting moment to think of my brother away from how I last saw him. How he had been before . My eyes closed and I could just see him now, cheering for me as he had when I was on the ice, huge grin plastered on his face and his fists in the air. I could picture him here too, waiting at the bottom of the peak, shouting "That's my brother!"

A choked sound ripped from my throat at the visual, and my tortured mind tried to quickly slam the door on that thought, tried to prevent the damage it could do. But I held on to that image regardless; it was better than the other one that haunted me every minute of every day.

When I opened my eyes, the view was hazy, until a tear fell down my cheek, clearing my sight. I focused on Savannah, taking solace and fortitude in her touch, and managed to find the courage to say, "He would be proud of me too."

Savannah gave my finger two soft squeezes. I noticed she did this when she wanted to give me comfort but clearly lacked the words. And as simple as a gesture it was, it was a healing balm over an open wound. It stopped the pain for enough time to help me catch my breath.

After holding each other together for several more minutes with our understanding stare, we turned back to the bus, but never let go of one another. Not even when we sat back on the bus.

As we rolled away, I wondered if somewhere, somehow, Cillian really was cheering me on. If he was helping me move on from his loss. I rarely let myself wonder if he had somehow lived on. If he'd made it to an afterlife where there was no more pain and only peace and freedom surrounded him. We weren't religious. Never talked about what we thought came next. I didn't really have any strong beliefs. But I wondered if he ever saw me here, left behind, crumbling without him, and wanted to reach out and tell me it was going to be okay. That I would see him again someday. And that although life on this Earth couldn't hold him like he needed, he was free now.

Sadness clawed up my throat trying to rob me of the need for that to be true, but two soft squeezes of Savannah's hand helped me fight those claws back down and clutch on to that morsel of hope.

I rolled my head to Savannah. She squeezed my hand again and sent my pulse soaring. Resilience , I thought as we took to the winding roads back home.

I prayed like hell it could get me through.

The fire was blazing, England's clouds still giving us a break and awarding us with a star-filled sky for our final night, like it was saying its farewell too. Around the lake was pitch black, but for Bowness, the tourist area, was still filled with people. I imagined it looked like this all year round, no matter the weather. I would live here if I could.

We had eaten dinner and were now all gathered around the campfire outside on folding camping chairs. I'd forced myself to be here tonight. Not to escape to my room or the window seat that had become my sanctuary here. My emotions were all over the place. It made me feel shaky, and, for once, I didn't want to face that alone.

Mia and Leo had gone inside, leaving the six of us to ourselves. As much as I liked Leo and Mia, it was nice to be out from under their microscope. Leo had watched me like a hawk. I knew he'd seen a change in me. He had yet to broach it with me yet, clearly letting me sit in this new state for a while.

But I knew he'd pull me aside at some point.

Dylan, Jade, and Lili were using long sticks to roast marshmallows in the flames. Savannah was right where I wanted her—beside me. She had an amused expression on her face as she watched Dylan and the others laugh and joke around.

"I got the goods!" Travis shouted, coming from inside of the hostel, cans of soda in his hands. I huffed a laugh as he handed out the cans like they were beer. I took a Coke from him and sipped at the sugary drink.

Soon, Dylan, Jade, and Lili sat around the fire, and we all descended into silence, until Dylan said, "So, do we think any of this is working?"

The mood of the group immediately shifted from somewhat happy to morose, and like so many times on this trip, we couldn't escape from the truth of why we were here. Grief was like that, forever reminding you it was close by.

Jade shifted in her seat and said, "I think it's helped a little." She cast her wide, brown eyes around the group and nervously said, "It was a car accident." I froze in my seat when those words fell from her mouth. She stared into the fire and said, "My mama and little brother. One random Tuesday morning." My heart fell. Savannah was lock still beside me. "It was instant; they didn't feel a thing. I at least know they didn't suffer." Jade began to break. Lili and Travis sat on either side of her and placed a supportive hand on her back. "There's just me and my papa now. And my grandparents." She wiped at her eyes. "It's … it's been difficult to move on. Impossible to live without them most days."

I played with my hands, picking at my nails just for some way to expel this nervous energy that was swarming around me. When Cillian died, I'd shut down completely, kept everything inside. I wasn't used to talking about death so freely. Wasn't sure I could yet. The few times I wanted to scream how I was feeling from the rooftops, to finally just let the dam of grief break, my protective wall would close everything down.

I felt a tug on my coat sleeve. I glanced to my left. Savannah was offering her hand. My heart's too-fast rhythm immediately slowed when I took hold of it. She gave me two familiar squeezes and we stayed linked in the space between our chairs. I stayed transfixed at her perfect profile. How did she always know when I was breaking?

Maybe it was because she was breaking too. I gave her two squeezes right back. A flush bloomed on her pale cheeks.

"Being here. Away from Texas—my home," Jade said. "It's given me time to breathe." She gave a watery smile. "I think it's helping. It's helping me sort some things out in my mind."

Lili laid her head on Jade's shoulder. They had grown close since landing in England. So close that Lili offered her support by saying, "I lost both my parents." Savannah flinched, her hand pulling slightly in mine, like that thought was a dagger to her heart. I held her tighter, giving her an anchor, and found myself thinking of my mom and dad. My gut twisted when I thought of how I was when they saw me off at JFK. I hadn't even said goodbye. I'd still had zero communication with them. I didn't even know how I'd begin …

"They were recreational sailors. Loved the water." She smiled, and I saw the love she had for them shining through her sadness, even in the dark. "One day they went out to sea and a storm blew in unexpectedly." Her bottom lip trembled. Jade wrapped her arm around her. "The boat was found, wrecked. But they never were."

"I'm sorry," Dylan said, and I wanted to say the same. But I couldn't speak. I didn't know how they were able to.

Lili smiled at Dylan and wiped her tears from her cheeks. "I think this trip is helping me too." She looked to Jade. "Having others who are going through the same thing … it helps. Makes me feel less lonely." She sat up straighter. "I'm an only child. I live with my grandparents now, who are great, but I feel like I've been going through this alone … and … yeah …" she trailed off with a tired sigh. It's not the same, I finished off for her in my head.

It wasn't. I loved my mom and dad. They had lost their eldest son. I had lost my brother and best friend. We couldn't understand each other's grief because it was different. An ache set in my chest when it hit me—I was an only child now too. And that was the worst thing … that he'd left me all alone. For the rest of my days.

I caught Jade and Lili's curious eyes landing on me, Savannah, Travis, and Dylan, obviously wondering if we would share our stories too. But I wasn't going to speak about Cill. I couldn't. I'd barely told Savannah anything, and what I did confide in her felt like I was ripping out my heart as I did so. By the stiffness in Savannah's body, and the way her pretty eyes were downcast, I think she felt the same.

Travis cleared his throat and sat on the edge of his chair. His eyes were darting nervously around the group. "You don't have to share if you're not ready," Dylan said, voice supportive. He and Travis had grown closer of late too. It seemed we were all pairing off. I looked down at my hand in Savannah's.

I was glad she was with me … more than glad.

"No," Travis said, and "I can talk," he said but closed his eyes, like it was easier to say this out loud if he couldn't see everyone before him. "I was the only survivor in my class from a school shooting." The blood ran from my face when he revealed that. I couldn't imagine … I didn't even know how to react to that.

"Travis …" Dylan said and immediately crossed the fire to where he sat. He kneeled beside him. Travis opened his eyes and smiled, but it was strained, and his lips trembled. His trauma was exposed for us all to see.

"It's the guilt that's the worst, you know?" Travis said and wrung his hands together. "Like, why me? Why was I the only one he didn't hit? Out of a class of twelve, I was the only one who dodged a bullet." Travis shook his head and his chin wobbled as he fought to fight back his tears. "That's what I can't get over. I see parents of my friends looking at me sometimes and I know they're wondering why it was me and not their child that was spared." He let out a humorless laugh. "I ask myself that too. But mainly …" He took a deep breath. "They were my friends . I'm from a small town in rural Vermont. I'd known these kids since kindergarten, some even before that. They were my only friends, and now they are all gone. And I witnessed them—"

Dylan wrapped Travis up in a hug before he could finish that sentence. Some things didn't need to be said out loud to be understood. Savannah sniffed beside me, and when I turned to her, tears streamed down her face. They looked orange in the light of the fire. I couldn't bear seeing her this way, the sight splitting me apart. So, I shifted my chair until it was right next to her.

"I want this to work," Travis said and pointed to us all. "I want this trip to work so badly, because I can't keep living with this darkness I carry inside, with this weight on my chest. Some days I can't get out of bed because the grief is so tiring. It feels like I can't breathe."

"You miss being happy, feeling happiness," Dylan said in understanding, and Travis nodded. "Me too," Dylan confessed.

"Me too," Jade said, followed by Lili.

"Me too," Savannah said, almost inaudibly. My heart was beating so fast at how much we were all sharing that I thought it would burst right out of my chest. But I allowed myself to think of my life before. Because there was a before and after when it came to grief.

I allowed myself to think back to winters on the pond playing hockey, Christmas mornings and game days … simple memories from when we were truly happy.

I knew happiness then. And I had taken it for granted. But it made me think that if I'd felt it once, maybe, just maybe , I could perhaps feel it again.

"Me too," I finally whispered, the wood from the fire crackling loudly as I did so, drowning out that wish that took so much energy for me to cast out. But Savannah had heard me. And she leaned against me and put her head on my shoulder, two squeezes to my hand.

I was starting to crave this feeling. Because Savannah, from Blossom Grove, Georgia, made me feel . After a year of drowning in darkness, Savannah made me feel something I thought was forever lost to me—hope.

She made me hopeful that there was more to my life than this . I didn't know what was happening between us. I refused to let myself overthink whatever was binding us together. For once, I wanted to just let the universe take the reins and guide me.

I cast my eyes over the lake and the peaks one last time before we went to bed. I would forever remember the English Lake District as the place where Savannah entered my life. I had no idea what would happen on the rest of the trip, what would happen to me. No idea what Savannah and I would become. I didn't know if what Mia and Leo had planned for us would truly drag me out of this infinite darkness I was stuck inside. But one of the many bricks that had built a wall around my heart had fallen because of this girl. Just one solitary brick, but it was a start.

It was a start .

And that had to count for something.