26 Silent Voices and Turning Points

Silent Voices and Turning Points

Cael

T HE PEACE ON S AVANNAH'S FACE AS SHE EXITED THE PHONE BOOTH WAS A double-edged sword. One the one hand, I was so proud, so full to the brim with happiness for my girl, that she had been brave enough to bare her soul to the sister she missed so much. So proud of how she was now, walking with her back straight and her chin held high. But on the other hand, it made me so damn aware of how much work I still had to do. Things I didn't want to face. Pain I didn't want to endure.

Leo's hand came on my shoulder. "Again, you don't have to, son."

Savannah's grip tightened in my hand. I glanced down at her. Her blue eyes were wide and full of conflict for me. I wanted to be better for her. Hell, I wanted to be better for myself .

"I can do it," I rasped, and Leo studied my face. After a few seconds, he nodded, but his eyes were cautious. I knew he was worried for me.

Just before I released Savannah's hand, she pressed a kiss to the back of it and stepped away. As I walked forward, I held on to the feel of her kiss, still branded on my skin. Walking to the phone booth was like walking the green mile. To me, the phone booth didn't look enticing but rather like my biggest fears made flesh.

I stopped at the door and forced myself to open it. The silence was deafening on the inside, the lack of sound piercing my ears like it was a painful high-pitched frequency. Then I placed my hand on the phone. It felt cold and hard. My chest began moving up and down. Too quick. My breathing was too fast. Sweat beaded on my brow, but I took a deep breath and made myself pick up the receiver. It shook as I brought it to my ear.

Just imagining Cillian on the other side, waiting for me to speak, crushed me. My voice became lost in my throat, and like it did so often, that night played in my head like a movie reel. Showed Cillian crashing in surround sound and in high definition. I tried to speak, but no sound came. And despite my effort, my knees buckled and I dropped to the ground. The phone hung off the shelf, swinging back and forth. I let it go, wanting to tell Cillian how much I loved him, how I missed him and how life without him, somedays, felt like no life at all. But all I saw was him broken in my arms … gone.

Gone.

My brother was gone !

I broke then. Racking sobs tore through my body and I couldn't stop them. Couldn't lift myself off the cold phone booth floor. The door flew open and Leo bent down. He helped me to my feet and took me to the path. But still the sobs didn't stop. Dylan flanked my other side, helping Leo carry me down the path and to the bus that waited for us. A familiar hand landed on my back, and I knew it was Savannah. That was my girl. Always there with a supportive touch. With her love and our shared two squeezes of our hands.

The journey back was a blur, time relinquishing itself to sadness. I couldn't say goodbye. I just couldn't say goodbye.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Not yet.

Leo and Dylan helped me from the bus into my room. They laid me down on the bed, and before my head even hit the pillow, Savannah was wrapped around me. I breathed some then. I always did when she was near. But the sobs still came. They came until no tears fell down my cheeks and the sun had given way to the moon. Leo stayed in the room with us the entire time, letting me purge everything from my soul.

He eventually got up from his seat and said, "I just need to speak to Mia. I'll be back in a minute. Will you be okay?" I nodded my head. I couldn't speak. My voice was lost.

When he left, Savannah immediately sat up. Her eyes were red with sadness.

"I'm so sorry, baby," she said. "Sorry that hurt you so much."

I stared into those blue depths and knew that if we were to have any kind of future, I needed to get better. "I love you," I said, just as a knock sounded on my door. Mia came through, Leo following behind.

"Savannah," Mia said, gently, "let's go and have some dinner."

"No." Savannah shook her head. I wanted to smile at her tenacity, but I couldn't muster enough energy to do it.

"You haven't eaten," Mia said. She then looked to Leo. "Let Leo and Cael talk some."

Savannah opened her mouth to argue, but I said, "Go on, Peaches." I met Leo's eyes. The look he gave me told me he needed to speak to me about something, something I wasn't sure I was going to like. "Get something to eat."

Savannah searched my face. "Are you sure?" her gaze dropped. "I don't want to leave you."

"I know, baby," I said, sitting up and cupping her face with my hands. I kissed her forehead, her cheeks, and finally her mouth. "I'll be okay. I promise," I said, praying those words were true.

"Okay," Savannah said, full trust in me. It made me feel a little stronger. She was still in this with me.

I watched her leave with Mia, heart breaking all over again, when she turned back and gave me a watery smile. When the door shut behind them, I turned to Leo. "I need that extra help when we get home," I said. "Today made me realize just how much farther I have to go."

Leo nodded, then said, "I suggest we leave now."

Shock and panic instantly surged through me. "Now?" I said, jumping off the bed. "I don't want to leave now. I don't want to leave Savannah. I want to travel home with her and the others. See this through until the end."

Leo came over to me, a wary expression on his face. "Son, I will never make you do anything you don't want to do, but I worry if you see Savannah again, or stay until the end, you won't go." I pictured Savannah's face, remembered her arms clasped around me, how she made me feel safe and like I could just lean on her forever … I exhaled in defeat. He was right. I knew he was right, but I just wanted to see her, one more time. I wanted to say goodbye. Make plans for when we were apart. How we would keep moving forward.

"Cael, do you love her?" Leo's question made my head snap up and pull me from my racing thoughts.

I met his eyes. "Completely," I replied. My voice was steady. My love for Savannah was the one thing I was certain of. Everything else had shaken me to my core. My love for Savannah was concrete.

"Then you need to leave now, son. To have any kind of future with her, you must keep going with therapy. This trip isn't enough. Right now, you're in a precarious place, and I'm advising we go immediately. I've seen what happens to people when they break and delay help." My stomach churned. That was Cillian. I didn't want to be like him. "Let me help you, Cael. Take my advice and let me help."

My heart was beating too fast and I couldn't focus. I didn't know what to do for the best. I wasn't sure I could leave Savannah. "You have a real chance at happiness, the both of you," Leo said, speaking straight to my heart. "Let's make Harvard, this fall, the goal. To be with Savannah again. When you're healed and can give her your everything."

I could see that. Us both happy and healthy, dealing with our grief at college—the college we were fated to be at together. I wanted that. I wanted that so much that it was suddenly all I could see.

He knew I was teetering, then pierced me when he said, "You don't want your love for her to be lessened by sorrow. You don't want her to have to share you with residual darkness. Come with me, let us help you, and then give her your entire— healthy —heart. Give her you entirely."

Those words knocked the air right out of my lungs. Savannah deserved the world. She deserved to be loved totally . Leo waited patiently for my response. "Okay," I finally rasped out, my heart breaking as I did. It wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted her … but I needed to heal.

I had to do that alone.

Leo exhaled in relief. "You've made the right decision, Cael. I'll give you ten minutes to pack your things. I'll go and make the final arrangements."

Leo left the room, and I stood on the spot for a few, silent minutes. I couldn't make my feet move, like they were protesting what I was about to do. But just thinking of making it to Harvard this fall, Savannah beside me as we lived happily and pain-free and didn't just exist … it had me moving in seconds. I threw my clothes into my bag and looked back on the room, on the impression of Savannah that was still on the bed. That girl loved me, and I would prove to her that I could be in this with her. One hundred percent. That although young, we could make it.

Seeing a hotel notepad on the desk, I ran over and wrote a note to my girl. I just hoped she understood. I was breaking our pact. I was keeping something from her again, leaving her without a goodbye. But as much as it hurt, as much as my soul was screaming at me to stay safe in her arms, this was important, to us both .

Taking my wallet off the desk, I stared down at it, feeling the heaviness of Cillian's note to me inside. Without overthinking, I yanked it out, gasping for breath when I saw his familiar handwriting and the seven words that had destroyed me for the past year. It had haunted me, plagued me and eaten away at me until I was nothing but a mangled mess. I didn't want to live that way anymore. I was done with it.

Welcoming one final surge of anger, I ripped the ticket into pieces and threw it on the ground. It was an albatross to my healing, a weight that was pulling me down.

Grabbing my bag, I walked out into the hallway and found Leo in reception. I immediately looked for Savannah. Maybe I could just see her face one more time. Just a glimpse. Maybe if I just got to kiss her one final time, I would have the strength to leave and not fall into her arms.

But she was nowhere in sight and, deep down, I knew that it was all untrue. I'd take one look at my girl and I'd fight to stay. I'd stay and suffer and things would only get worse for me, for her, until my pain consumed us both. She deserved to be free. She'd come too far for me to hold her back.

I just needed time to catch her up.

"Mia took them to a restaurant away from the hotel," Leo said. "They won't be back until we are long gone." My heart filled with sadness.

I forced myself to leave the hotel, my heart demanding to turn around. But I fought to get on the bus and sit next to Leo. In seconds, we pulled away from the hotel, and lit up, in the distance, was the phone booth. The phone booth that exposed me and showed Leo and Mia that, for me, the journey was only just beginning.

Taking out my cell phone, I resisted dialing Savannah's number and instead made a long-overdue call.

"Cael?" Dad's voice came over the speaker, and my chest felt like it was ripping apart as his familiar sound settled over me.

"Dad …" I said, voice croaked.

"What's wrong, son?" Dad's voice was panicked. I heard my mom in the background, expressing her worry too.

"I'm coming home," I said, and Leo put his hand on my shoulder in support. "I … I need more help. And I'm coming home."

Dad's voice hitched and he said, "We're proud of you, Cael. So proud." He paused, then said. "We'll see you at the airport. Have Leo send us the flight information. We're here for you, son. We're going to get you through this."

"Okay," I said and just stayed on the line for a little longer, just taking comfort in having my parents supporting me through the phone.

A couple of hours later, when we were waiting at the flight's gate, and I felt numbed by pain, my phone rang. My heart twisted when I saw it was Savannah. I ran my hand over the picture on my phone that was assigned to her face, and fought to not splinter apart.

"Peaches," I answered, my throat thick with guilt.

"You broke our pact!" she said, her sadness slicing through the phone. "You promised me you'd tell me everything. You didn't even say goodbye!" Savannah broke into tears, and I couldn't stand the sound of her breaking, breaking because of me.

I moved to the corner of the gate's lounge for privacy and let my own tears begin to fall. "Leo was worried about me. He needed me to leave for more help." I shook my head, trying to find the words to explain. "I couldn't do it, Savannah. I couldn't say goodbye to you. I'm breaking apart, baby. I'm not healing like I should be. I had to go—"

"That's not fair," she said, interrupting me, sobs racking her chest. "I would have supported you. But you should have said goodbye to me. Held me one last time. Let me kiss you and make sure you were okay. You've hurt me. You—"

"I WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT!" I found myself shouting, louder than I'd meant to, my wrought emotions rising to the surface and taking me over. I glanced behind me and saw several faces watching me. Leo included.

I pressed my forehead to the window and stared at the lights of the planes that were readying for takeoff. I calmed and felt the beat of my heart pounding in my chest. "If I'd seen you to say goodbye, Sav," I whispered over the torturous sound of her crying, "I wouldn't have been able to leave you." I swallowed and knew then that Leo had been right. Even now I was fighting running from the airport and back to the comfort of where she was. "And I have to." A sob ripped from my throat as I said, "I'm … I'm broken, Peaches. So fucking broken that I have to get help before it destroys me." My voice was barely audible. I felt exhausted. I was so tired of fighting.

Savannah was crying harder and harder into the phone. It shattered me. But it had to be this way. I knew it did. Deep down, I knew she did too.

I wiped tears from my cheeks and said, "I want a life with you, Savannah. I want to meet you in Harvard in the fall, stronger and able to function. I want us to have a chance—I need us to. You're the one thing that is keeping me going. But saying goodbye to you … I'm not strong enough to endure that, Peaches. I can never say goodbye to the love of my life." Savannah's breathing was labored from so much crying, but she was listening to me. "I love you," I hushed out. "Please believe me. I love you so much. You're my everything. "

"Cael," Savannah said, her voice cracking. "I love you too. I love you … so much. I'm so sorry I shouted at you. I'm just … I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," I said, still feeling broken and like my heart was being split open. "I'm going into a residential program, so I don't know how much I'll be able to talk. But I'll call and text you every chance I get. I'll need you to help get me through."

"I'm so proud of you," Savannah said quietly, and it eased some of the pain threatening to take me down. "And I'll think of you every day."

"Harvard," I said, throat tight but speaking that goal out loud. "We'll meet again at Harvard."

"Harvard," she echoed, and a sense of peace settled over me. "I'll be counting down the days."

Leo tapped me on my shoulder, and I saw the plane was boarding. "I have to go," I said. I didn't want to get off the phone.

"I love you," she said. "Let me know you land safely."

"I love you too," I said, and it took everything I had to end that call. But I kept Savannah's face in my mind and her love in my heart and knew that they were strong enough to carry me through.

After a day of traveling, I landed at JFK. It was strange to see America's skies again. All I could think of was what Savannah was doing right then. They were traveling home today. But she would be in Georgia, and I would be in therapy.

I followed Leo through the airport and out into arrivals. It only took me a few seconds to find them. Without even getting my luggage, I ran through the crowd and slammed into the arms of my mom and dad. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," my mom said.

"Nothing at all," my dad said, voice barely audible.

I reared back and saw their eyes were red. But there was happiness on their faces too. Their son was back, and I didn't just mean in the physical sense. I might have still been healing, but I was closer to the boy I was before than the one who had been racked with grief.

Leo greeted my parents and explained to them what would happen next. I turned on my cell phone, and a single message came through.

PEACHES:

I love you so much. Always remember that. I know you can do this.

I sighed deeply. Then I texted her back one simple word.

ME:

Harvard

My mom linked her arm through mine, and we headed straight to the retreat. The hard work was just beginning, but the love I had for Savannah, for my mom, my dad, for myself … and for Cillian. The love I had for all of them would get me through.

And I would have Savannah back in my arms if it was the last thing I would do.