Chapter 5

A Dozen Reasons…

THEN

(Beth)

He'd get so pissed if I cried right now.

I fixed my earring as I stared into the mirror.

I couldn't remember when I got my ears pierced but today was the day I took those earrings out for different ones. Because apparently going to the funeral of your father required it. Or at least that's what Joel hinted at.

He gave me a pair of his mother's earrings.

I guess it was kind of sweet or romantic.

He had been really amazing with it all though.

There was always this sense of fear that something would happen to my father at work. It scared me more when I was younger because if he got killed, I had no idea where I'd live then. It really bothered me. But nothing ever happened.

And even when I did get the call , it had nothing to do with him being an officer. Maybe. The heart attack was deemed to be natural, if that made any sense. But he didn't have a heart attack on the job or anything like that. He had missed breakfast with his old cop buddies and it was his turn to pay. So they thought he was screwing them over.

They found my father on the couch, head back, gone .

A glass of whiskey next to him.

The butt of a burned out cigarette on the floor.

It was a miracle the house didn't catch on fire and burn to the ground.

And that was it.

Pete was the one who called me. His voice shaking as he cried over the phone to me. I had been eating a plate of chicken lo mein, sitting on the floor in the living room, with a candle lit on the table, singing in between my chews. Because Joel and I had gotten into another stupid fight about something stupid and he took off for a drink to cool off.

He'd go for a drink and I'd order food.

At some point we'd meet back up in bed around midnight and sleep it off.

When I hung up on Pete, I didn't call Joel.

I finished my food, cried, then dug around for a photo album. My first year of life. The first three pages with the only pictures of my mother I had. My mother and father together, holding me, smiling at me, the look in their eyes with such intense love. That was probably the dream my father had. A daughter to raise. A wife to love. He figured he'd go protect the world while my mother was home protecting my world. And all it took was one night. She went out to meet up with friends. I was only six months old. My father arranged it for her because she had been tired because of me being a baby and all that up all night stuff.

The pictures after my mother was gone, my father's eyes and face were different.

Not scared.

Not angry.

I'd say… lonely.

I cried even harder.

Because I guess with him gone too that meant they were back together.

I didn't tell Joel about my father until the next morning.

That started a whole new fight, which I ended by bursting into tears.

Joel held me as I cried, then he apologized and we never talked about it again.

I wrestled to get the second earring in my ear and the bedroom door opened.

In the mirror's reflection, Joel stepped into the room.

His lips pursed tight together. His eyes filled with sadness.

"You look beautiful," he said to me.

"Thanks," I said.

I wasn't a dress wearing kind of woman.

Even if black was my favorite color, the dress felt awkward on me.

Joel walked to me and touched my hips.

I shut my eyes and swallowed hard.

He kissed the top of my head and pressed his body to mine.

I could feel that he liked the black dress.

It wasn't the right moment for the mood to strike.

I reached back, my eyes still shut, and I touched him.

He hissed. "Beth…"

"Shut the fuck up," I whispered. "Just do it."

Joel kissed my shoulder and nuzzled the black strap down my right shoulder.

I sighed.

This would take the pain away for a little while.

I needed to get dressed all over again.

Joel just needed to zip up his pants and fix his shirt.

Which was fine.

He needed to go downstairs and sell it to everyone waiting that I was upstairs grieving and taking my time.

Whatever.

I was in bed, the covers up over my body. My black dress was on the floor.

I was still wearing the earrings though.

Total score by me.

I had no desire to get dressed. Or go to a funeral. And because my father was a cop, there was a big ceremony happening. So everything was going to be drawn out more than normal. Both Pete and Buddy said my father would be pissed off over the whole thing, but it was tradition. And my father had been a good cop. It was all he knew in life. He was all but forced into retirement because he just wanted to keep working.

I licked my bottom lip and reached for my cell phone on the nightstand.

I went to a few text messages I sent over the last two days.

It was the last number I had of his .

Joel would have flipped his lid if he knew I sent a text to Leith. Then again, if Leith were to actually show up to the funeral, I could only assume Joel would know how and why he ended up there.

I just felt that Leith should know.

Hell, in some ways, I had the desire to tell Leith before telling Joel. Because Leith would have known what to say and what to do.

I shut my eyes.

I put my phone down.

I was sad.

Really sad.

And I was allowed to be sad too.

I eventually kicked the covers off my naked body and slithered off the bed to get dressed again.

I did so faster than the first time I got dressed and went into the bathroom to wash up a little.

When I finally went downstairs, everyone was waiting for me.

Late for my own father's funeral.

How amazing.

And yet nothing would start without me there.

Outside, there was a black car waiting for me.

There were officers waiting too.

Standing in line, ready to salute me, even though I wasn't a cop.

Joel touched my elbow. "You can do this, sweet love."

Sweet love.

I never grew to the name but it worked. It was his name for me.

I just called him Joel.

I looked up at Joel and smiled. "Thank you."

"I love you, Bethany."

"I love you, Joel-any."

He grinned.

He kissed the top of my head.

I stared forward and walked to the black car.

The driver opened the back door for me.

This was all far too fancy for my father. He really would be pissed off about the entire thing.

I climbed into the car and watched as Joel stood outside for an extra few seconds.

That was the moment my cell phone vibrated in my small pocketbook.

I checked to see if it was another random number sending condolences for my father's death.

It was Leith.

He was coming to the funeral.

When Dani pulled me aside outside the church and showed me the flask, I could have kissed her. And I'm talking full on kiss. Making out. Getting married. Maybe more.

And maybe that was dramatic but I couldn't take it anymore.

The entire thing was so drawn out and I just wanted to be home, alone, and sort through everything happening.

I took the flask and drank quite a bit, quite fast.

I could have kept going but Dani stopped me.

"You don't want to be falling over at the cemetery," she said.

"I don't care. I want this done."

"Soon."

"I don't even want to go home. I want to be somewhere new. Just forget about everything."

"I know," Dani said. "Just get this done. Then go home and get drunk. Let Joel take advantage of you, then wake up tomorrow and go from there."

I nodded.

I didn't smile.

Joel stepped up behind me and touched the small of my back. "They're ready, Beth."

I sucked in a breath.

This was going to be my absolute final goodbye.

The last chance to see my father before… the end.

Everyone was already on their way to the cemetery, which was a short walk from the small church. My father wasn't a religious man by any means at all but there were times he would visit the church. When nobody was there. He had a complicated relationship with God, never really sure what existed or why. Of course it didn't help that he dedicated his career to protecting people from the worst in people. And he had seen a little of everything. From the worst of crimes to the saddest of tragedies. Then add in the fact that his wife was killed by a drunk driver six months after giving birth to their only child…

"Come on," Joel said. "I'll go with you."

I touched his hand. "I'm good. I need to do this alone."

"You sure?"

"Positive," I said.

"I'll be right here waiting."

It was a hard goodbye, but in a way, it really didn't matter. It wasn't like my father was alive and about to let go. He was already gone. Days ago, in fact. Seeing him one last time was more or less some kind of formality that went along with the entire day.

I cried.

Joel put an arm around me and hugged me.

The black car waited for us but I said I wanted to walk.

So we walked.

And there we stood, finishing the entire thing .

Through all the tradition of the funeral, my eyes were on the move.

Left. Right.

Slowly turning my head left to right.

Anxiety crept up into my chest and I hated that feeling. It was a sense of losing control and when that started happening, that's when I would find something crazy to do. My fingers twitched and I just wanted to scream. And I came really close to it too. I wanted to scream for everyone to just shut up. To just stop. That my father wouldn't have wanted this. That we all should have been at a bar, having a drink to him, and then everyone go the hell home.

I felt it building.

And I knew if I freaked out, it would embarrass Joel. He'd either grab and pull me away or just walk away completely and let me be crazy.

My lip curled and I turned my head to take a deep breath.

That's when I saw Leith.

Standing far away.

Too far away.

My bottom lip instantly started to quiver for about a dozen reasons.

I felt my body jump.

I gasped for a breath.

Joel's hand slid around my side and he pulled me closer.

"It's all okay," he whispered to me.

I put my head against his arm.

Not to be romantic or feel protected.

I couldn't find my breath… again, for about a dozen reasons.