Chapter 28

Jumpy Knees and Long Beads…

NOW

(Beth)

I put my hand to Dani's knee to get her to stop jumping.

She whipped her head at me.

Her face was white.

Her eyes full of tears.

I had never seen Dani like this before. And she had every right to look and feel the way she did.

"Did you call your parents yet?"

"I don't want to."

"Dani…"

"I've let them down so much in life already."

"What? How could…" I sighed. "You never let anyone down."

"I let them down. Trust me."

"Okay, fine. Let's say you did. Let's say you were a terrible human. What does that have to do with right now? You didn't do this to yourself, Dani. You're…"

Sick? Can I say she's sick?

"It'll just make my mother cry. She loves to cry. She loves the attention."

"Let her cry then."

"And I don't want her bothering me. Giving me advice. Telling me things I should have done in life to be better."

"She does that?" I asked.

Dani nodded. She put her hands to her face.

I rubbed her back and wasn't sure what else to say.

I always told myself I would have given anything for any kind of relationship with my mother. But maybe that was wrong. Even still, I always wondered what it would have been like with Leith if my mother had been around. Would she have been understanding? Would she have calmed my father down about the boy stealing his daughter's heart?

It wasn't like I could change anything though, so why even bother thinking it?

I felt my left leg starting to bounce.

That feeling of being boxed in started to hit me.

And there was no way I would leave Dani hanging.

She was there to schedule her surgery.

And that surgery would then determine what would happen next for her. What kind of treatments she needed. And for how long she'd need them. It looked like a long and dark road ahead for her but I would do everything to be by her side.

My phone beeped in my bag.

A text from Leith.

Tell your friend I'm thinking about her. Keep good vibes.

"Leith says hey," I said.

Dani smiled. "Tell him I said hey right back."

"I'll see him later," I said.

"So are you two…"

"Don't know. Don't care."

"You're something crazy," Dani said.

"Not crazy. Just being myself. Protecting myself too. Just to be safe."

"Safe from what?"

"The past. The stuff that hurt us before. Trying to figure out what's real and what's memories. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't enjoy the company."

"Well, you look happy. Not just right now. Just in general. I haven't seen you this way since before everything went to hell with Joel."

"Enough talking about me," I said.

"No. I want to talk about you. I don't want to talk about me anymore."

Her eyes glistened again.

I pulled her close for a hug.

"I want to tell you it'll be okay, Dani," I whispered. "But I don't know if that's right to say. I suck at this stuff."

"No you don't. You're the only one I want here." Dani sniffled. "What if I can't have kids?"

"What?"

Dani picked her head up. "That's all I've been thinking about."

"Kids?"

"Yeah. If this…" Dani pointed to her stomach. "I don't know. I was looking stuff up."

"I told you not to that."

"Yeah right. And you wouldn't do the same?"

"True."

"Anyway, there's a chance I won't be able to have kids. It never really crossed my mind. Until now."

"Only because it's something you think you won't be able to do. That's oaky to worry."

"It's not worrying, Beth. It's truth. They're taking… stuff …"

"Not everything. Right?"

"No."

"There you go then."

"I don't want to hear that. You do suck at this."

Dani stood up and walked to get water.

I held myself together but that comment hurt.

A woman called Dani's name and they disappeared together.

I couldn't sit any longer.

I stood and paced the waiting room.

I wasn't the only there and I had no idea who was sick, there as support, or someone waiting to hear either great news or soul crushing news.

With nothing but my phone in my hand, I left the office and went out into the hallway. It smelled like fresh carpet and paint. There were large brown doors across the hall for a lawyer's office.

I was shaky for a lot of reasons at once.

So I responded to Leith's text.

Thank you. It's scary for her. I have no idea what to say to her without sounding horrible. You would know what to say to her.

I sent the text and didn't expect Leith to text back.

He was at school.

Teaching.

Leith, the teacher.

Leith, the super-hot sexy teacher.

I really didn't expect Leith to call me either.

But he did.

"Hey," I said. "Aren't you going to get into trouble?"

"Maybe," he said. "The kids are working on a math assignment. I'm standing outside the door. Plus, Anastasia will kick their butts if they get out of line."

"Ah, your favorite student."

"Hey. Everything you're doing is right and perfect for Dani."

"Of course you'd say that."

"You don't like hearing the truth, angel."

"She's upset about everything at once."

"Of course she is. Wouldn't you be?"

"Yeah. I'm feeling it, Leith."

"Feeling what?"

"Like I want to forget about life for a bit."

"Then let's make that happen."

"How so?"

"Hey, I have to go. Looks like Kyle doesn't realize I can see him. He's trying to steal Ryan's sheet. Got to love kids."

"Oh, Leith… can't believe all of this is happening."

"Just breathe and be in it, Beth. Call you later."

The call went dead and I stared at the phone.

My best was feeling a certain kind of hell. My other friend was getting married. And I was stuck somewhere in between it all.

Knowing the closer I got to Leith, the closer I got to our past.

Where eventually we'd have to talk about it all and decide if it was something we could look beyond or not.

I walked back into the doctor's office and waited for Dani.

When she finally came out of the back from scheduling her surgery, she hugged me tighter than she ever had before.

"I'm sorry for what I said. I'm such a bitch right now."

"Yeah, but you're my favorite bitch," I said. "And never apologize for how you feel."

"I want to get out of here. Like right now."

"Let's go. I'll buy you lunch."

I was going to spend the entire day with Dani.

And that meant I would then need to spend the entire night with Leith.

"Hey, wait a second," Leith said as we stopped halfway up a set of old steps.

The building smelled like greasy dust and old shoes.

There were wet spots on the ceilings and the floor was a brown and white checkered pattern that look way too old.

"What?"

"I haven't seen Bucky in a long time."

"Okay?"

"I burned the bridge with him."

"Why are we here then?"

"Something different. Something crazy. Me trying to do something for myself."

"And why am I here then?"

"Bucky makes a living with writing and artwork. He's a total burnout looking guy but a genius. He was my closest friend for a while after…"

"After us?" I asked.

"Yeah," Leith said. "I lost myself because of you. I found part of myself because of Bucky."

"And let me guess. Amy ruined that?"

Leith curled his lip. "I didn't want to bring up her name."

"You can, Leith. It's sort of a big deal. Just like… my thing ."

Leith touched my face. "I wish we never lost each other, Beth. There's this darkness in my life when you're not around. These memories I own but I don't really know why I own them. Because I was in a big way waiting for you to come back."

"That's kind of romantic, Leith."

"I don't know what's going to happen with Bucky. We've talked a few times on the phone. He seems cool. But for all I know he might punch me in the mouth and tell me to leave."

"And if he does that, I'll punch him for you, then get some ice for your face. Wouldn't be the first time, right?"

I motioned to his left cheek, which was all but healed up.

It amazed me how since meeting up with Leith again I thought I broke my ankle and he took a few punches from Joel. All because we were chasing the past. Maybe that was a sign to not chase the past then.

I touched Leith's face the same way he was touching mine.

"Are you being a pussy right now?" I asked.

"No. I just wanted to warn you. We have a lot of past between us, Beth. A lot that we were together for and a lot we weren't."

"I know that. I'm still here. And after my day today, I want to forget everything, Leith. So if Bucky has writing and artsy crap and drinks and music…"

"You're going to go crazy, huh?"

"You never know."

"That shouldn't turn me on but it does," Leith confessed.

"Hey, if this guy has a table… I might get up on it."

"Just keep your shirt on."

"Oh, does that make you jealous?" I asked.

Leith gritted his teeth. "You make me…"

"So happy," I said. "I know."

I started to walk up the steps and Leith lingered behind.

He caught up and led the way to an old brown door with a crooked number six next to a chipped away number four.

I heard the sound of music from inside the apartment.

It made me happy.

Music always made me happy.

And I had left that behind a long time ago.

I remember I used to sing all the time too.

Well, not all the time.

But I sang for my father a handful of times.

He would get choked up and tell me it was pretty good sounding.

I sang in front of Leith many times and he would always say something stupid and romantic that made me tell him I never wanted to sing again, but I secretly loved it.

Leith pounded on the door.

I thought it was going to break into pieces.

This did not seem like the kind of place a teacher should be hanging out.

That made it all the more tempting and exciting.

I wanted to forget everything for one night.

The door opened and my mouth fell open at the sight of Bucky.

"Holy shit," he said, staring at Leith.

"Bucky," Leith said, grinning like a little kid seeing a pretty girl for the first time.

Bucky was almost as tall as Leith but he was big . Not the same kind of big as Leith. His stomach pressed against a stretched-out black t-shirt with an old looking flannel over it. He had a decent looking beard, messy and greasy hair, and glasses that rested on his nose. It was almost like the cliché image of some middle aged guy living in his parents basement.

"You invited me," Leith said. "I brought someone. This is Beth."

"Beth?" Bucky asked. "As in… The Beth ?"

"Oh, I have a special name here?" I asked, not afraid to cut in between the memories of their old bromance coming back to life.

"Yes, this is The Beth ," Leith said.

"I've heard a lot about you," Bucky said, looking at me.

"Same for you. Heard there was a burning bridge last time you two talked."

Bucky chuckled.

"Damn, Beth," Leith said.

"What?" I asked.

I wasn't going to hold back.

"Hey, man," Bucky said. "It is what it is. Come on in. Let's get a drink. Catch up. Work on something together. Or just sit around and tell old stories."

"I want to see you two work on something," I said.

"Only if you'll sing," Leith said.

"A singer?" Bucky asked.

"Not me," I lied.

"She's amazing, Bucky," Leith said.

"Well, the two of you better get in here then," Bucky said. "We've got a night ahead of us."

Leith put his arm around my waist as we entered the apartment. There was a little look of worry on his face, but I wasn't worried at all. It made me wonder what all really happened between him and Amy. It was none of my business but the way he had a death grip on my hip, it was like we were someplace unsafe.

Now, to be fair, Bucky's place was messy.

Piles of papers and magazines littered every corner. Random pieces of artwork hung on the walls, along with pieces of paper with handwritten notes scribbled on it. There were statues that looked like they represented different religions. There were no doors either. Just strings of beads that hung from the door frames.

Two couches are centered in the living room. Two totally different styled couches.

A table between them, flooded with papers, as messy as the rest of the place.

It smelled like clove and body odor.

I mean, any half normal person would have wanted to get out of there. But this was the exact kind of place I wanted to be. It was hidden. It was calm even though it was busy with all the messes.

"I'll get us some drinks," Bucky said as he walked to the kitchen.

Leith turned to face me. "We can bolt."

"Why?"

"Bucky isn't…"

"I can see that," I said. I peeled Leith's hand off my waist and interlocked my fingers tight with his. "You know me. You know who I am."

"I know."

"Are you embarrassed right now?"

"I think I am," Leith said.

"Why?"

He didn't answer.

I squeezed his hand tighter. "I'm not her."

"Okay, here we go," Bucky announced as he came walking toward us with three drinks.

He had the caps twisted off and he held his bottle out for a toast.

"Bucky…" Leith said.

"No, no," Bucky said. "Let's do this. To make it right."

"Make what right?" I asked.

"Everything," Bucky said. "This guy was the one who saved my ass so many times when I was working on things. I'd get stuck and here would come Leith to fix it. He knew what to say and how to say it. He was the best. The best."

"The best," I whispered.

"Bucky, you're the one who's made a living at it," Leith said.

"But you're back here," Bucky said.

"So you two are okay then?" I asked.

"We've always been okay," Bucky said.

Leith hit his bottle to Bucky's.

The moment was almost touching.

But in a way, heartbreaking.

As much as I knew about Leith, there was a whole part of his life I knew nothing about.

Maybe, in a way, that was our chance at really starting over.