Chapter 22

Leftover Love Letter…

NOW

(Beth)

"I have no idea what happened," Nelle said to me as she let me in.

"Who else did she text or call?"

"Damn near everyone," Nelle said. "I've been going back through trying to let everyone know it's a joke. A bad joke at that."

"So they didn't break up?"

"I don't know," Nelle said. "I tried calling Maria but she didn't answer. Did you get in touch with Dani?"

"No," I said. "I came right here from…"

"From where?" Nelle asked.

"I was out."

"Without Dani?"

"Yeah."

"So you were with a guy?"

"Oh, jeez," I said. "Move out of the way. I'm not talking about my dating life with you."

"Since when do you have a dating life?" Nelle asked.

"Thanks for saying that," I said.

"No, I'm not judging. I'm happy for you. I mean it. It's good you're out there. Get some attention for yourself. You need it."

"I need it?" I asked.

"You know what I mean."

"No, Nelle, I don't."

She sighed. "Beth. You're always angry. You try to be some kind of tough chick or something. But it's okay. You got married. It didn't work out. That's not a bad thing. A bad thing would have been staying."

The really bad thing is that I did it in the first place, Nelle. But you wouldn't know.

"I'm going to go check on Holly," I said.

"Do you mind if I take off? I don't know what else I can do here for her."

"Yeah. Do whatever you have to do. You don't know what happened though?"

"No clue," Nelle said. "I was getting ready to go out. Holly called me in a panic. She was crying. She said she was driving. So I talked to her until she got home. All the while I was driving to meet her here. She just said that things with Brian took a turn. She has herself so freaked out. At least that's what I think."

"Right. Okay. Wish me luck."

"Did you get like this?" Nelle asked.

"Like what?"

"All jittery. When you were about to get married."

I saw pictures of Leith in my head. Not Joel. That's all I ever saw when I thought about my marriage to Joel.

Which made me a horrible person.

"I don't remember," I said. "Everyone is different."

"That's true. You probably know better than I do."

"Yeah. I'm the expert."

I felt something like anger start to creep up from deep within my chest.

My phone buzzed and it was a text from Leith.

You missed the country singer. Now some woman is standing with her hands together belting out opera. I think I officially lost my hearing.

I smiled.

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.

I really stood up and was considering singing.

It wasn't a big stage. Nobody would be watching me. Nobody would even care. Except Leith. Even still… it had been such a long time…

"Beth?"

I turned and saw Holly shuffling through the living room toward me. With a thick comforter around her. Black mascara down her cheeks.

I walked to her and shoved away the ten thousand obvious questions burning through me.

Instead of attacking her, I just hugged her.

Sometimes all you really wanted in life was a good hug.

She wiped the makeup off her face.

"I doubt it's over," I said to her.

She reached for her glass of wine. "How can it not be? I mean, we're fighting over everything."

"You're both stressed."

"And?"

"Holly, you're not going to want to hear this from me. I know you're the type that had a wedding book when you were a kid. Right? You clipped pictures out of magazines and dreamed of your wedding day. And that's fine. But at the end of it all, it's just a day. It's a… I don't know. It's a party. It's a greedy party. The focus is on you. What matters is the person you're with."

"Exactly my point," Holly said. "He doesn't get it. And I'm questioning everything."

"Like that?"

"I don't want our laundry mixed together anymore."

"What?" I asked, trying really hard not to laugh.

"I know that sounds crazy. But hear me out. You know Brian likes to work out, right?"

"Sure," I said.

What the hell did I actually know about Brian? Or Holly for that matter. I worked with Holly. And Brian was in finance or insurance or something. I met him maybe four or five times and it was just simply a head nod kind of thing.

"He really likes to work out," Holly said. "Which is sexy. But then he comes home and just throws his sweaty clothes in the hamper."

As opposed to where, Holly?

But I listened.

I played the friend card really hard.

Which made me laugh because her maid of honor for the wedding was her best friend from high school who didn't live anywhere near us. She wasn't even showing up until the week of the wedding.

Again, I just listened.

"Do you know what I'm saying?" Holly asked.

"His dirty clothes are touching your dirty clothes," I said. "And it's not good."

"Not that it's not good, it's gross. All of a sudden we just share everything. It's really starting to hit me."

"Oh, Holly, that's just part of a relationship."

"Can I ask you questions? About… your…"

I faked a smile. "Yeah. Go ahead."

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

"Did you ever feel like this?" Holly asked without hesitation.

I looked at my phone and there was another text from Leith.

Was going to leave but now we have a spoken poetry thing going on. I might just stay here all night. Sure you're not coming back?

My fingers touched the screen.

"Everything okay?" Holly asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Holly, there's nothing I can do or say here. You're asking the wrong person. What if I told you there were plenty of signs that I think about now that screamed at me to not marry Joel? That would scare you. Now, if you want to me tell you that it was meant to be and the feelings your feeling will pass, it'll make you happy. Right? No matter what, at the end of it all, what happened with me and Joel just didn't work. It wasn't meant to be for us. That doesn't mean it's the same for you and Brian. If you want to throw away the wedding, then do it."

"I didn't say that," Holly whispered.

"So then what's the actual problem?"

"I'm scared," she said. "I'm scared out of my mind. And I'm trying to find everything wrong."

"That's okay. Did you ever think that maybe being scared is just part of it? Part of how much you love him? Maybe you're so sure that Brian is the one you're supposed to marry that you're desperate to find any reason why you shouldn't."

"Wow," Holly said. "That's perfect."

I slowly stood up and Holly reached for me.

"It'll be okay," I said.

"Don't leave," she said.

"What?"

"Just stay. Brian is off on business."

"So you broke up with him and sent him off on business?"

"We didn't break up. We had an argument. He laughed. I got even more pissed."

"Holly…"

"He's so sure of it. That pisses me off."

"He loves you that much."

"And I'm the one with these doubts," she said. "Does that mean I don't love him?"

"Not at all," I said.

"I need to ask you something else. Just one more question."

"Okay."

"Give me the real reason why you and Joel didn't work out. Not some long answer about not loving each other. Just give me the truth."

I nodded. I looked down at Holly and swallowed hard.

The truth didn't taste very good.

"The truth," I said. "It's actually really simple."

"Then tell me."

"I always felt like I was meant to be married to someone else."

It felt like putting a toddler to bed.

And when Holly finally passed out, I snuck out of the bedroom and out of the house. I probably could have stayed the night but I just wanted to get home to my own bed. I thought back to that first moment Holly cringed when she talked about her wedding. That had been my chance to escape all of that talk about weddings.

I laughed because I had no choice.

Digging too deep back into the memories of Leith and Joel would only make things harder to accept now.

It was well past midnight when I spotted the old building that was called home for me. The first place I could find to get away from Joel for good. An apartment that had been left abandoned. The property manager offered me two months of free rent if I cleaned the place out myself, which I did. I cleaned up trash from what looked like a hundred parties. I cried my eyes out. I scrubbed the walls, the floors, the bathroom and counters. I growled and screamed with anger.

Everything I had to get out was done right there in that apartment. What started out a shitty beat up place turned into my home.

When I got to my door, I noticed something on the floor.

It looked like a napkin.

It had the logo of the bar I had been at with Leith.

I quickly turned, almost expecting him to be standing there. And if he had been… he could have had me. The feelings between us had been lingering for too long. And seeing him only made those feelings grow. The temptation and wonder, the need and the want all coming together at once.

But I was alone.

Leith wasn't there.

I crouched and swiped the napkin off the floor and took it inside my apartment.

I smiled the entire time I walked to my bedroom.

As I sank down onto the bed, I sight with relief.

I opened the napkin and saw blue ink scribbled on it.

He wrote me a story.

Did you ever hear the one about the woman who skipped time? She was beautiful and far from perfect, which made her perfect anyway. She could move through time like a breeze, never knowing what you're going to get from her. Sometimes she would just touch your face. Sometimes she would slap it. When I lost her, I lost time. When I lost time, I lost myself. So now I'll just stand and wait for her to come back. Close my eyes and let time slip away as the breeze comes back. Even if she slaps me.

I laughed to nobody around me.

I fell back to my pillow.

And I shut my eyes, clutching the napkin in one hand.

If I was the woman who messed with time, then Leith was the man who messed with time.