Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

" T hat's my Coke, woman!"

"Not anymore," Joe said, finishing off the last few ounces of the cold beverage that he desperately needed.

"You owe me a Coke," Eric bit out.

"Not gonna happen," Joe said with a satisfied sigh.

"You just finished my soda and I'm thirsty, woman," Eric said with a glare that told her just how close he was to spanking her beautiful ass.

"You should have thought about that before you pulled your shit this weekend," Joe said as she leaned back against the passenger seat.

He felt his lips twitch. "I have no idea what you're talking about," Eric said, trying to sound innocent and probably failing since he couldn't seem to wipe the shit-eating grin off his face.

She turned her head and glared at him, just fucking glared.

He cleared his throat as he struggled not to laugh.

"You pushed me over the side of the boat a grand total of fifteen times!" Joe snapped, throwing the empty soda bottle at his head.

He easily ducked out of the way. "They were all accidents," Eric managed with a straight face. "I swear."

Of course, they hadn't been. Well, maybe that first time had been an accident. He couldn't recall if he'd meant to knock her over the side of the boat or not. At the time, he'd only been trying to get that prick from Vermont away from her. If he had to watch that asshole "show" Joe how to hold her pole one more time, he would have killed the bastard.

Eric had maneuvered between the two of them when the bastard went to put his arms around Joe again. Somehow during his rescue attempt, he'd accidentally knocked Joe into the ocean. At least, he was pretty sure that time had been an accident. The fourteen times that followed were definitely intentional, mostly because they'd brought a smile to his face. Her wet clothes clinging to every curve of her body had just been an added bonus. A very nice bonus that currently had him shifting in his seat.

Slowly nodding, Joe reached down to unbuckle her seatbelt, most likely to kick his ass, when the radio went off.

" Echo seventeen ," came the interruption that had Joe swearing softly under her breath as Eric grabbed the mic.

"Echo seventeen," Eric said in that deep voice that had Joe mentally kicking herself for noticing. These little moments were really starting to creep her out.

" What's your location ?"

"West side."

" Echo seventeen, I need you to respond to an unknown emergency at 278 Slade Street ."

"Received."

"What do you think? Prank call?" Joe asked, all business now as she pulled out an emergency run sheet and attached it to the clipboard as Eric put on his sunglasses, giving him the ultimate bad boy look that made her mouth go dry in seconds.

"Probably," he said as he flicked on the emergency lights.

Two minutes later, they were pulling up in front of a small townhouse. Joe jumped out of the ambulance and opened the backdoors. Eric was there seconds later, helping her unload the stretcher. As they pushed the stretcher up the driveway, a woman in her early thirties with tightly curled, mousy brown hair came running outside, holding her cell phone against her chest.

"Thank god you're here!" she cried, frantically wiping at the tears running down her face as she waited for them.

"Where's the emergency, ma'am?" Eric asked, pulling on a pair of purple nitro gloves as Joe continued to push the stretcher. As soon as he was done, he took over pulling the stretcher so that she could pull on her gloves. After twelve years, they were at the point where words were unnecessary. They could anticipate each other's needs without a word.

The middle-aged woman gestured frantically with the cell phone towards the house. "He's in the bathroom! He won't open the door, but he told me to call 911. He won't tell me what's wrong! It's gotta be bad...oh, God!" she finished around a sob.

"We'll have a look and see what we can do to help," Joe said softly, knowing better than to make any promises, not unless she wanted to face a lawsuit. Over the years, they'd come across their share of disgruntled patients and family members looking to get back at someone or make a quick buck and knew all the key words to avoid by heart.

"That stretcher won't fit down the hallway," she managed to get out between sobs.

Without a word, they pushed the stretcher against the house. "That's fine, ma'am. Can you show us where he is?" Eric asked, throwing the tech bag over his shoulder.

"Of course, right this way," she said as she led them inside the house and down a narrow hallway with a door at the end. Before they reached the door, they could hear a man grunting and muttering to himself.

"Sean?" the woman said, knocking on the door. "The ambulance is here!"

"Oh, thank god."

Joe reached out and tried the doorknob only to find it locked. "Sir? We need you to unlock the door if you want us to help you."

There was a slight pause before he said, "Marie?"

"Yes?" Marie said, sobbing softly.

"I need you to go find my insurance card. It's in my office," Sean said, only to immediately follow that up with a pained groan that had Eric and Joe sharing a look.

The woman looked confused but did as she was asked. "Okay, Sean."

A few seconds later, they heard the lock click. "Come in," Sean said around another groan as they opened the door and stepped inside the small bathroom to find a man in his late thirties wearing a gray tee-shirt and nothing else, kneeling on the floor so that he was leaning over the edge of the tub, looking really uncomfortable. Then again, she'd be uncomfortable, too, with two strangers in the room and her bare ass pointing up.

Joe quickly looked around for blood or any obvious signs of trauma, only to find his discarded pants on the floor and a small tube of personal lube on the counter. She was about to ask him what was wrong when a vibrating sound reached her ears.

"Is that your phone going off, sir?" Joe asked as she glanced down at his pants.

"No," came the hesitant answer.

"What seems to be the problem today, sir?" Eric asked as he quickly assessed the situation and looked just as confused as she was.

"I-I had an accident," Sean stammered.

"Where are you injured?" Eric asked as Joe ran her eyes over him again, but she couldn't see any obvious injuries.

Averting his gaze, Sean sucked in a deep breath as he said, "I slipped on something," while Joe once again found herself wondering where that vibrating sound was coming from.

Eric nodded sympathetically. "Okay, do you think you broke anything when you slipped?" he asked, setting down the tech bag on the narrow counter.

Sean shook his head. "No, I..." He licked his lips nervously. "It's inside me," he whispered hoarsely.

As if on cue, their eyes dropped to his bare ass.

"I see," they both murmured.

Joe cleared her throat. "And that vibrating sound..."

"Is coming from me," Sean said tightly.

"What is-" Eric started to ask, only to get cut off by Sean.

"It's my wife's vibrator. She must have left it out on the floor. I came in here to take a shower and slipped and landed on it. I tried to pull it out, but I can't reach it," he rambled on.

"I see," Eric said, and Joe could tell that he was struggling just as hard as she was not to laugh. She'd learned that laughing at patients was bad her first year on the job. It could set them off into violence, a shouting match, or worse, a write-up. "So, um, you slipped on the floor and landed on it, causing it to impale you?" Eric asked in his most professional tone, making it harder for her not to laugh.

"Yes, that's exactly what happened," Sean said, sounding relieved that they were at least pretending to buy his story.

"Can you stand up?" Joe asked.

Sean shook his head. "No, it's eight inches long. Every time I try to stand up it hurts."

Eight inches, pretty impressive, Joe thought as she debated how they were going to move him.

"Please don't tell my wife," Sean whispered hoarsely.

"Our only concern right now is getting you to the hospital. What you tell your wife is your business," Eric said casually, but she didn't miss the humor in his eyes.

"Do you think...do you think that one of you could possibly get it out?" Sean asked, sounding hopeful.

Eric threw her a horrified look as he shook his head frantically and she had to agree. There just wasn't enough money on earth to make her want to put her fingers up some guy's ass and retrieve an eight-inch vibrator. Nope, not going to happen.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't extricate something embedded in your body," Joe said smoothly, inwardly thanking OEMS for that rule. The only time they were allowed to remove something from the body was if it was blocking the airway. Since his ass wasn't required to breathe, they were good.

"I understand," Sean mumbled. "Can we go now?"

"We have a few options here, Sean. We can get you back into your pants to protect your privacy-"

"That's fine. Please, let's just get going. I want to get the most embarrassing event of my life over with," he said, panting.

"Okay," Eric said, nodding. "We're going to help you stand. Then, one of us will help you pull your pants up."

"I can't stand up," Sean pointed out.

"You can remain bent over, but you should be able to use your legs to stand. We'll help you take it slow," Joe promised.

"Okay," Sean said around a small whimper.

Without a word, they moved into position and carefully helped Sean stand up by pulling him up by his arms. Once they had him standing, they glared across his back at each other. Eric gestured with his eyes for her to get the pants, but Joe adamantly shook her head. He gestured again, harder this time. Nope, wasn't going to happen.

"Eric, I'll hold him so that you can help him with his pants," Joe said, giving him a shit-eating grin. Yup, she'd trapped him into it, but she wasn't feeling guilty about it. Not even a little bit and definitely not after this weekend.

Mouthing "Brat" at her, Eric reached down and grabbed Sean's pants.

"Hurry, please!" Sean said, sounding like he was in a lot of pain.

"Sir, is this hurting you?" Joe asked, wondering if they should get the stair chair in here instead.

"Not exactly," came the murmured response as Eric got into position with the pants.

"Step into them," Eric said, adjusting his hold on the pants as Sean carefully raised one foot and slid it inside his pants before he did the same with the other. When he began panting, Eric shot Joe a questioning look as he pulled the pants up. He moved to stand up just as Sean released a loud groan that could only mean one thing.

Joe bit her lip to stop herself from laughing as Eric quickly turned his head away, making choking sounds. Sean seemed oblivious to it as his groan turned into a loud moan. Joe glanced down at her pants and boots, making sure that he hadn't just made a deposit on her. If he had, they were going in the trash. It was one thing to get puked on or bled on for this job, but quite another to have some guy with a sex toy fetish come on her shoes. She sighed with relief when she spotted the white mess on the bathroom floor between his feet.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," Sean said, panting softly.

"Don't worry about it," Joe said, knowing Eric was beyond speaking at the moment. He threw the bag over his shoulder and grabbed Sean's other arm.

"Time to do the shuffle."