Chapter 15

HARRISON

The second my eyes pop open, I grab my phone and check the screen, immediately grinning at Benny's name there.

It was around 2:00 a.m. before I texted him good night with a kissy face, but I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to see his reply.

As soon as it's open, I snort back a laugh.

The middle finger emoji. Benny translation: multiple hearts.

My arms flop out to either side, and I stare at the ceiling with the dumbest smile on my face. All week on campus, instead of walking around with my head in the leaves, I've been paying attention to people. More specifically, men.

And I'm still no closer to working out my sexuality.

There are plenty of good-looking men. Pretty men. Sporty men. I notice them, and there's vague attraction, but I don't have the urge to go up to them and hit on them. Surprisingly though, I don't have it with a lot of women either.

I can't help but notice a pattern. If I'm approached by a woman who's attractive, I'll usually end up sleeping with her. If I do the approaching, they're usually someone I'm at least friendly with, who I like as a person, rather than just a pair of tits.

Is that what's happening here? I'm attracted to Benny because of who he is, not because he has a dick?

At the end of the day, it just doesn't bother me that much.

It'd be nice to put a label on things to help explain who I am to others, but for me? I'm into Benny. My brain and my body are both in agreement with that, so now the most pressing thing is figuring out what to do about it.

He's only ever mentioned wanting to hook up, and I'd be down for some repeats if that's on the table, but I don't even know if I have that. It's like our hand jobs never happened, and I love having the time to think things through, but I'm starting to feel a bit gross about it all.

Like I used him.

It's not what happened, but pretending like this great mental rearrangement didn't change my life is childish, and I hate that we can't talk about it.

Marshall's my best friend, but he doesn't see sex the same way I do. Felix … he has been used by other people, but he put himself in those situations, so trying to talk to him about something like this is delicate.

I put a pin in it all and get ready for class.

I'm not as excited for statistics as I have been the last few times. Sure, I always like spending time with Benny, but he's a different guy in class. He concentrates really hard, makes notes all over paper, and types so intently I'm scared to say anything and have him lose his train of thought. He also usually has to run off right after, so while it's great just to be near him—okay and checking him out—I don't get that dose of fluttery nerves I usually get when we spend time together.

It's the same today. Benny concentrating. Me trying to pay attention. Him running right off afterward.

It's starting to get weird.

As I'm walking across campus, I have to send him a message to reassure myself it's his usual class standoffishness and that he's not actually going cold on me.

Me:

What are you doing?

Benny:

Just at the house, should be studying, but really don't want to.

Jesus,he flew back to his place fast.

Me:

Well, I won't be a bad influence right now, but can I kidnap you tonight?

Benny:

I don't think you're supposed to ask when you kidnap someone. It's way hotter to be caught by surprise.

Me:

He likes fear. Noted.

Benny:

Where are you going to take me after you've erotically kidnapped me?

Me:

I guess you'll have to wait and see.

An idea is already forming though.I'm going to take someone who's quickly becoming my favorite person to my favorite spot on campus. We'll wait until it's dark. No one else will be around. We'll take in the view and walk through the greenhouse, and I'll talk plants to him and let him snark about them to me, and, fuck. Maybe I'll kiss him again. Whether I do or I don't, I can't shake how obsessive I'm getting about not knowing whether he wants that again.

After classes, I get through as much work as I can, and then I cook us up some food. Sure, most people would view a packed dinner and a scenic location as a date, but can it really be a date when one person isn't aware it is?

Do I even want to date him?

He said no to wanting a boyfriend, but what about a hookup buddy? A fling?

The one and only person I was interested in dating since starting college began this way too. Kind of. We slept together a few times, hung out a lot, and then I took her on a date and asked her to be my girlfriend. It crashed and burned not long after.

I definitely didn't have the kind of nerves I do now. Whether that was because we were already sleeping together or because this is all Benny, I don't know.

It's almost dark by the time I leave.

Benny's been messaging me progressively more the later it gets, and I haven't responded to any of them. I wouldn't be surprised if he's in bed by the time I show up, but he said he wanted to be surprised. Maybe I should climb in through his bedroom window and kidnap him that way? I laugh to myself as I picture his gorgeous face jumping with shock at a random guy climbing into his room.

But if the window's locked, my surprise will be gone, and I'll look like an idiot instead.

Front door, it is.

Sunset is well and truly over by the time I arrive, and while I would have loved to catch that with him, I also know campus is still reasonably full at that time, and I want to make sure there's no one in the greenhouse when we arrive.

I jog up to the front door and knock, holding my breath, crossing my fingers that Benny's been waiting and that he's the one to open the door.

He isn't, but it's one of his brothers I recognize, and before I can ask where he is, Benny shows up behind him.

I smile wide, and then, without saying a word, I scoop down and sling Benny over my shoulder.

"What the fuck?" He almost knocks my hat off in his struggle, but I hold it down with one hand and pin him to me with the other. Benny's heavier than I thought he'd be, and I regret carrying him after only a few steps, but I'm going to make it to the goddamn truck if it's the last thing I bloody do.

"You all right, Dalton?" his brother asks, not making a move to help.

Benny sighs. "Just being kidnapped. Nothing to see here. Carry on."

The front door closes behind us, and I laugh as I set him down by the passenger door, holding off the temptation to rub my shoulder.

"Lucky you weren't actually being kidnapped," I say, tucking his hair back behind his ear.

He startles at the touch, suspicious glare aimed my way. "I doubt a kidnapper would have the guts to walk up and take me like that. Besides, I'm strong enough to save myself."

"Sure you are." I resist patting him on the head because I want to tease him, not have my hand bitten off. Instead, I tug open the door for him and slap him on the ass. "Get in."

His glare softens. "Couldn't have written back to a single text? Nothing to let me know you were still coming?"

I close the door behind him and round the truck to get in. "I told you I was coming, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but people usually say shit they don't mean."

While I think his cynicism is cute most of the time, I also wonder if there's something deeper that's made him so jaded.

"Talking about anyone in particular?"

"Why? Are you trying to head-shrink me?" he mocks.

"You're impossible to talk to."

"And yet most nights, you won't shut up from messaging me."

"Not my fault you reply to everything in about a second."

He's mock offended. "You're not supposed to call me on it, asshole."

"I think it's cute."

He whips around. "You take that back."

"Very, very sweet."

Benny gets me in a nipple cripple. "Try again."

"Sorry, sorry." I laugh. "You're the baddest of all bad boys I've ever met."

"Better." He moves back to his side of the car, but seeing him smile, even the small one he's wearing, warms my whole chest.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Can't you just let me surprise you?"

"I hate surprises. The last time I got one was when my parents never came home. Surprise, we're dead!"

I roll my eyes. "You were a kid. There's no way that was your last surprise."

"This is where you're supposed to give me sympathy, then feel bad and spill all your secrets."

"So cute. So, so cute."

"I've changed my mind. Take me home."

My good mood dulls a notch. "You really are extra grumbly tonight. Everything okay?"

He props his elbow on the door and starts chewing on his thumbnail. "I … It's nothing."

"I know we fuck around a lot of the time, but you can talk to me about the real stuff, you know?"

I feel him look at me, and his voice is softer than usual when he replies. "I know."

"Then …"

At first, I think he won't talk, but when he finally lets it out, it's like he needs to.

"There's not a lot I can say. I'm just … I'm worried about … my brother."

"What's wrong?"

"I think he's keeping something from me."

"People are allowed their secrets."

"Yeah …" I don't like the way he's holding it all in, but it's not my place to force him to talk. "We're super close. I can't remember us ever having secrets from each other, but every time I try to ask him what his plan is next, he changes the subject."

That does sound hard, but if I know one thing, it's that you can't know everything about another person. No matter how close you are. "Maybe it's not that he's keeping a secret. Maybe it's that he's working through it himself. I'm sure when he's ready to talk about it, he will." If anyone can relate to that, it's me. I've wanted to talk to Benny all week, but until I had the words, I couldn't. It's not that I wanted to keep anything from him, more that I want to be sure before I open my big mouth.

We reach campus, and I pull up in the parking lot near the science buildings.

Then, I turn in my seat to face him. "I know you try to hide it, but you're a really good guy. I love having you for a friend, and if you're this good of a friend, I imagine you must be the best brother. Sometimes things that feel like they're about us really aren't."

One of the corners of his lips twitch, just for a second. "That was very wise."

"It's the red hair. Gives me superpowers."

"And red pubes."

I snicker because that's the last response I'm expecting. Then I lean over, pop his door, and push it open for him.

With our faces hovering right next to each other, so close I could tilt my head and bring our lips together, I say, "Play your cards right, and you might even get to see them again."