Chapter 14

BENNY

Am I in a fucking dream? Considering my dick is sleeping for maybe the first time ever around Harrison, I'm going to go with a no, which means that really just happened. We hooked up and showered, and now we're sitting down to dinner like he didn't just blow my brains out.

"It's not too bad," he says, digging into the chicken. "Would have been better if I'd been able to season the skin, really get it good and golden."

I'm eating so fast I've barely tasted a thing, so none of it matters to me. "It's delicious."

"Well, you would think that, since you can only cook pasta."

"Luckily, I found a man who can cook."

Harrison's knife clatters to the plate, and there it is. The first little chink in his coolness.

"Dude, I'm kidding. I don't want to date you."

"And why not? You said I'm hot."

Okay, that makes me laugh. "So are a million other people on this campus. I don't want to date them. Besides, what happened to being straight?"

"Well, we just washed the evidence of my non-straightness down the drain, so I doubt that still stands."

Huh. That response is unexpected. "What are you saying? You're suddenly not straight?"

"I just gave us both a hand job, and you're actually asking that question?"

"I told you. Shared orgasms don't mean anything."

"Actually, I think those guys who've told you that are lying, but okay."

Probably, but it's not our place to say. It's not up to us to tell someone they're wrong about their sexuality or they're not the right kind of gay, straight, bi person. Everyone's situations are different. "That's a bold statement, considering you've never met any of them."

"Fine." Harrison pins me with a look that makes my chest feel all weird. "From purely my own experience, I've had those thoughts a few times. How a guy would feel and sound and react. I'm highly attracted to women, so it's not something I've spent much time thinking about, but sometimes the thought pops in, and it always bothered me I didn't know."

"And now you do."

He reaches over and covers my hand with his. "Thanks. I really mean that. I'm glad it was you and that we're still able to stay friends. I don't know what this all means for me, but I'm glad we got to do that. Really, really"—a smile slips onto his face—"glad."

I can't help but smile back. "Yeah. I'm really fucking glad as well."

Every day,I expect Harrison to freak out, but every day, I wake up to a new message from him. Dumb shit, and funny shit, and GIFs I wish I didn't understand but now do because of all the movie nights he forces on me.

I hate to jump the gun, but I really do think we can move on from this with our friendship unscathed. Who'd have thought it?

And sure, the crush is still hanging around like a bad smell, but it'll pass with the next breeze. I've been keeping my eyes peeled around campus and during drinks at Shenanigans to find the next guy who's going to catch my eye. My options are still open; I'm not limiting myself to Harrison, and I'm definitely not going to turn into a pining little puppy over the guy.

So what that we catch up multiple times a week? That's what friends do.

I kick at the sand, sending it in an arch over the beach. It's near deserted here, and even though the DIK house is a few minutes' walk from Shenanigans and the beach there, Emmett and I have gone further out. Somewhere no one from FU will run into us.

"Are you going to tell me where you got that hickey from yet?" Em asks.

It's faded almost from sight now, but I'd loved having it. Showing it off. Watching Harrison's face every time his eyes caught on it.

I don't answer him, and Emmy laughs. "To be clear, I'm not actually asking. We both know it was your"—he lifts his hands for air quotes—"friend, Harrison."

"And that's exactly why you'll never meet him. We're friends. Nothing else."

"Friends who fuck."

"It was one time."

"But you did do it." The asshole smirks at me like he's won. Whatever. It's not like he didn't know I hooked up with Harrison without me needing to tell him. Being subtle isn't something I'm good at, and showing off that hickey after getting back from his house was a dead giveaway.

My shithead brother just wanted me to say it out loud.

"Anyway, I've been there and done that. It was fun. Every bit as good as I knew it would be, and now we can move on and be actual friends."

"Mmm, uh-huh, yeah, okay."

"I know it's been a while for you, but that's what you do when you hook up with someone, unless you want to start getting into booty call or boyfriend territory. I don't want him to be either of those things."

"If he asked you to hook up again, it would be a no, obviously."

"Obviously."

"You definitely wouldn't go there."

"Nope."

"Even if he begged. You're better than that."

I narrow a glare at my stupid brother and his stupid dumb face.

He taps his temple. "We might not have the twin reading minds thingy, but I don't need it to tell me when you're full of shit."

I grumble and flop back onto the sand. "Nobody likes you."

"Actually, that's you. I'm the delightful one." He kicks off his shoes and moves down toward the water. It's almost sunset, and there's a crisp breeze that reminds me of back home, but the sand is still hot, and I'll bet the water is the same.

"Hypothetically," Em yells back to me. "If Harrison was standing here naked right now, how do you say no to that? If he's as hot as you say, and you have as little self-control as I know you do?—"

"I might have no self-control, but I think even I'd draw the line at having sex with him in front of you."

"If I wasn't here, obviously. You're really telling me you wouldn't go for it?"

I press my lips together to stop the automatic lie that wants to slip out. If hooking up was on the table, it would be a real struggle to say no, but considering this crush is lingering, it wouldn't be the smartest thing to do.

But Em doesn't know how to shut up. "And what about the straight thing? Where is he at with that?"

"Dunno."

"You haven't talked about it?"

I sigh toward the sky. "Briefly. He said he can't be straight since he enjoyed it so much. That's as far as we've gotten."

"If he enjoyed it so much and he's not straight, then remind me why it isn't happening again? Frequently? You like this guy."

"Fuck off, I do not."

"You're such a baby."

"Why? Because I don't want to date my friend?"

"Because you can't even have a simple conversation with him."

I hate being a twin. He's got me there. Harrison and I are continuing our friendship as though nothing happened. Exactly like nothing happened. Sure, we'll get flirty and whatever, but that's nothing new for us. Whenever it gets too close to our shared orgasm moment though, the both of us nope out of the conversation fast. We're champions at redirecting.

The good thing is that Harrison has his roommates if he needs to talk through any confusing, angsty, coming-out stuff. That side of things was never an issue for me since Asher, West, Hazel, and Em are all queer, so I wouldn't be any help to him anyway. He gets all that self-discovery to himself; I've done my part, and I don't think I want to talk to him about it all anyway because I don't know where my head is at.

If he was here, naked, asking to hook up? Let's be real, it'd happen. I'm just not sure that it'd be a good thing for it to happen, which isn't something I usually have to think about. I really like Harrison; he's a great friend, and in a choice between hanging out with him versus hanging out with anyone else—Em not included—I'd pick him. Hands down.

But is it a feelings thing, or is it just that I'm emotionally stunted and suck at making friends, so now I'm clinging to the first real one I have?

Because I don't want to face any of these thoughts, I turn things around on Em. "So, told West and Asher yet?"

"You know I haven't."

"Made a plan?"

"Stop bugging me."

"Just saying, life is getting away from us. It's been a month since you were given the boot, and you still don't know what you want to do. You can't live off of a mattress in my room for the rest of the school year. What will you do then? Forge your diploma? Move to Mexico?"

Em's shoulders have gotten all tense in his silhouette made by the sunset. "Are you forgetting I'm the older brother?"

"There's no proof of that."

"Of course there is. I was born first. That's indisputable proof."

"Yeah, but we're identical. How many times do you want to bet our parents mixed us up, couldn't tell who was who, and just eeny meeny miny mo-ed it?"

"That's not a thing parents do."

"Why not? What the fuck does a name mean to a squishy flesh ball anyway?"

"Your lack of emotion scares me sometimes."

The excess emotions I'm feeling over Harrison is what scares me.

It's not until after we've taken a quick swim, climbed back in the car, wrapped up in towels, and driven all the way home that I realize Em didn't answer my question.

He's getting too good at distracting me lately, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

But if he hasn't made a plan, and he doesn't want to talk to me about things, what the hell do I do?

I'm so fixated on my worry about Em through my shower that I even forget to jerk off over Harrison.

Who the hell am I turning into?