Chapter Nineteen

James sighed to himself and leaned back in his chair. Last evening had gone very well indeed though it had been rather unexpected, even for him! Having spoken to Lord Radford – and although that conversation had ended rather badly – he had found himself contemplating a great deal. He had not thought what he was to do, had not made any particular decisions but in seeing Lady Newton at the ballroom, in hearing that her parents had made all thought of ending her engagement impossible had lit something within him; something fierce which he could not put out. He had found himself almost rejoicing over the ending of their plan, delighting that there was now no space for Lord Billington to enter in and, as he had determined to speak to her father in order to set a wedding date, something curious had taken hold of him.

He could not yet ascertain what it was and even at this moment was considering all that he felt but it had been so strong and so severe, he had not been able to hold himself back from it. It had swept through him, crashed over him and wrapped around him, his heart lifting with such a joy that he had found himself smiling without even realising it. There had been a happiness running through him, making his heart quicken into a faster beat, his head held a little higher as though he was somehow proud of the fact that he was soon to be a married man. He had looked at Lady Newton and had found himself almost desperate to wrap her in his arms, to let her know what it was that he was feeling, that he was happy about their engagement but had held himself back from that, being a little uncertain and unsure as to what it was he felt himself.

And then, she had asked to speak with him in the quiet shadows of the ballroom and it had taken all of his strength not to do as he had been used to doing so many times before with other young ladies. He had wanted to put his arms around her, to pull her close, to murmur words of affection and consideration and to see her soften beneath his attentions, but with a great effort, he had refrained.

The words he had spoken to her as he had attempted to explain why his desires had changed, why he had felt himself more contented now with their engagement had been true and yet, he had seen the distrust of him flicker in her eyes. There had been a confusion, a doubt which he could not simply pull from her. He had tried his best to explain, feeling the desire to kiss her growing ever stronger but, much to his astonishment, it had been Lady Newton herself who had given in first. When she had closed her eyes and lifted her chin just a little, her mouth only a few breaths away from his own, James had been caught a little off guard. It had taken him a moment to respond, feeling himself caught by the gravity of the moment, aware of all that it offered him and how much he longed to take it. Their kiss had been gentle and unhurried, vastly different to all that he had done and all that he had shared with anyone before. It had been a new experience for him for even though he had kissed a good many ladies before, he had never once done so when his heart was filled with an affection for her. The way his heart had softened, the way his happiness had torn through him had been so great, it had robbed him of speech for a few moments after their kiss had ended.

It was all both rather wonderful and, at the same time, a little unsettling.

With a small smile, James pushed himself from his chair and made his way to his bedchamber, ready to prepare himself for the evening's events. He was going to be in Lady Newton's company all over again and, this time, be able to tell the ton the date of his upcoming wedding. Lord Hampshire had been delighted to agree to the date James had suggested and now, in only a month's time, James would find himself married to Lady Newton. He chuckled to himself, garnering a somewhat questioning glance from his valet, though the look was gone in only a moment. How strange it was, James considered, that what he had reviled only a few short weeks ago was now something that captured him utterly! He was looking forward to the moment when he would make his promises to the lady, eager to find out what life would be like, shared with her.

I suppose, he thought to himself, as he began preparations for the evening's soiree, that is what comes when one is falling in love.

***

James wandered through the drawing room, out of the door and then into the hallway, wondering where he might find Lady Newton. Lord Kenway's soiree was very busy indeed, with far too many guests – at least to James' mind. The crush was a little overwhelming and, struggling to find any sight of Lady Newton or her parents, James turned away from the library door with a scowl on his face.

"You are looking for your betrothed?"

James turned, his eyes flaring wide for a second as he looked into Lord Radford's face. "Yes, I am." He cleared his throat, a little gruffly. "Radford, I – "

"Let us not speak of it," Lord Radford replied, quickly. "That is not a subject I wish to discuss any further, I can assure you."

James managed to smile, relief flooding through him. "I appreciate that, my friend, though I think I should still apologise." He put one hand to his heart. "You were quite correct. I spoke without thinking, choosing to mock rather than to willingly listen to what you were saying. I did not know of what I spoke and I am sorry for any injury that I caused you by my words."

Lord Radford looked at him for a long moment, his expression rather inscrutable only, thereafter, to smile though it was only brief. "It is not something I would like to discuss with you any further, I can assure you, though I am glad that you have taken what I threw at you to heart!"

Letting out a chuckle, James nodded at his friend. "I will accept that."

"But you are looking for your betrothed?" Lord Radford lifted an eyebrow. "I have heard it said that you have set a date for your wedding."

"Yes, that is so." A broad smile settled on James' face, bringing a look of surprise to Lord Radford's expression. "I have decided that I am to marry Lady Newton and I am now looking forward – with a great eagerness – to my wedding day."

Lord Radford blinked in obvious surprise. "Goodness, that was rather swift!"

"Your words helped," James clarified. "It made me realise the truth and, thereafter, to accept it, even though I did not truly wish to."

"Then your feelings for Lady Newton are legitimate."

James nodded. "They are." His smile grew larger. "And I want very much to go in search of her now so that we might tell the others present that the date has been set and the banns are to be read. I want an end to all this nonsense, to all these foolish attempts to escape. I will not turn from her and I hope that now, she will not turn from me either."

To his relief, Lord Radford clapped him on the shoulder, a smile beginning to light his expression again. "I am delighted to hear it!" he exclaimed. "Then might I suggest that your betrothed could be in the gardens? There is such a crush in here this evening and I know that many of the ladies went to step outside. I have seen Lord Hampshire already this evening so they are certainly present."

"I thank you. I will go at once. Do excuse me."

"Of course." Lord Radford stepped aside and James hurried past him, a sudden fervency in his heart. He made his way to the ballroom, seeing the French doors open at the other side which led out to the gardens and made his way there directly. His heart was beating rather quickly, a smile spreading right across his face as he thought of seeing Lady Newton again, of being in her company. It was as though, in admitting to himself what he felt for her, he now had a new freedom which coursed right through him, alleviating all sense of guilt, of frustration and of confusion. All he felt now was happiness.

The evening was already rather dark but a glorious full moon hung in the sky, giving a bright light to his surroundings. James breathed in the cool evening air, finding it a relief from the somewhat stuffy inner rooms. Looking all around, he meandered slowly through the gardens in the hope of seeing his betrothed, a little frustrated that he still could not find her.

"Lord Granton, is that you?"

Looking over his shoulder, James turned all the more fully towards the lady, not quite certain who it was. "Yes?"

"I thought that was you! My heart let out such a cry of joy upon seeing you that I had no choice but to follow after you!" Her hands found his and James immediately frowned, recognising that this was not Lady Newton as he had hoped. The voice was recognisable, however and James did his best to tug his hands away.

"Lady Lamberton." Forcing a smile, he felt nervousness flood him, wanting to back away from her, suddenly afraid of being seen, of being overheard. He had never felt such a way before, having never given a moment's thought to what the ton might think of his behaviour but now, all he could think of was Lady Newton. "Do excuse me, I must – "

"Excuse you?" Lady Lamberton laughed softly, shaking her head as she did so. "My dear Granton, I cannot let you go, not when we have such an opportunity as this!"

Recalling what he had said to her, recalling how he had promised that they would, once more, enjoy each other's company once his engagement was at an end, James went hot all over. He no longer desired such a thing, had no thought of pursuing the lady. The only person he wanted to be near to was Lady Newton.

"There cannot be any furthering of our connection," he said, keeping his voice low. "I do hope that – "

"But we are in the gardens!" Lady Lamberton exclaimed, albeit in a quieter tone. Reaching out, she grasped his hand and tugged him away. Taken off guard, James stumbled, trying to regain his balance as Lady Lamberton continued to pull him after her. Quite where they were going, he did not know but everything in him began to scream a warning.

"Please!" Coming to a stop, he used his strength to pull Lady Lamberton back, barely able to make out her features any longer given the shadows of the tree above them. "There is no need for this. I must speak with you. Immediately."

With a laugh, Lady Lamberton flung her arms around his neck, pulling herself close to him. "You do not want to go any further, such is your desperate need for my nearness, is that not so?"

"No, that is not so." James reached up, trying to take her arms from about his neck, desperate to make her understand. "I quite forgot about our… conversation. I – "

"Lord Granton?"

The voice which came to him, he recognised at once. It felt as though something slammed into his stomach as he breathed out long and hard, trying still to pull Lady Lamberton's hands from around his neck though she only giggled and then flung herself forward against him, as though to hide herself from the prying eyes of whoever was watching.

"Forgive me for intruding but Lord Radford came out of doors and was surprised to see me, thinking that I would be in your company. I – I thought you might be inclined towards the shadows and came to find you."

Recognising that, as she spoke, she was thinking of the last time they had been hidden in the shadows together, James finally managed to step back, loosening Lady Lamberton's hands from his neck and moving her away from him. "Lady Newton, of course. I was just – "

"Goodness, is this your betrothed?" Lady Lamberton laughed again, though this time it sounded rather breathless. "Oh, my!"

"Are you with someone?" Lady Newton came a little closer, her voice now wobbling just a little. "Is there something I am interrupting?"

"No, no," James turned away from Lady Lamberton directly, his heart beginning to pound as fear began to tighten around his chest, making his breathing difficult. "That is to say, I did not mean to be found in the shadows. I was merely trying to talk to Lady Lamberton."

"Talk about what?" Lady Newton folded her arms across her chest but in the dim light, James caught the glimmer of tears in her eyes and his heart tore painfully. "What is it that must be said between the two of you that could not be spoken out in the open?"

Before James could answer, Lady Lamberton took a step closer to her, her head tilted in an almost coquettish fashion. "Do you really need to ask such a thing?" she asked, her words laced with irony. "Or is it that you cannot truly understand what a gentleman – a rogue, of course – might be doing standing in the shadows with a lady such as myself beside him?"

James closed his eyes, his whole body going suddenly cold.

"I thought…" Lady Newton trailed off, her voice fading to nothing as James opened his eyes to look back at her, seeing how she turned her head away. He knew what she meant by that. She had kissed him, had let a part of herself trust him only to now come upon him in the shadows with another young lady. A lady who had put her arms around his neck and refused to loose him. What could he say that would help Lady Newton to understand that he had not wanted this? What could he say that would encourage her to trust him?

"I – excuse me." Martha turned on her heel and turned away quickly, leaving James open mouthed, words half on his lips, half held back as he tried to find something – anything – to say.

No words came.

"Well, I am sorry that she saw that but I am sure that Lady Newton understands very well the sort of gentleman she is to marry."

Without pausing for even a moment, Lady Lamberton had her arms back around his neck, only for a white hot anger to streak up James' spine. It was not anger at her nor at her actions but rather at all that he had done in the past, all that had led up to this moment. He was the reason for this, he was the reason why Lady Newton had now hurried away from him, no doubt distressed by what she had seen. If he had not given himself such liberties previously, if he had not been foolish enough to hope that he could continue on with his connection to Lady Lamberton once his engagement was at an end, then this would not have happened. Or even if he had recalled what it was that he had done so that he could then have written to Lady Lamberton and told her of his change of heart, then this entire situation might well have been avoided – but no, he had done none of that.

"Enough." Grasping Lady Lamberton's arms, he tugged them down as firmly as he dared, then stepped back. He caught the way Lady Lamberton's eyes flared wide, her shock evident despite the shadows which surrounded her, but James only shook his head.

"I cannot continue on in this way," he said, firmly. "I will not."

"I do not know what you mean." Lady Lamberton put out her hands to him but James raised his palms out. "You said that once your engagement was at an end, we would resume our connection."

"But my engagement is not at an end," James told her, aware there was a harsh tone to his voice but caring very little for it. "And now I have decided, Lady Lamberton, that it shall not be."

Lady Lamberton's swift intake of breath was obvious, her hand flying to her mouth in evident shock but James could not find anything within him to care about what she felt.

"I am sure that you will be very easily able to find another gentleman to come and take care of you," he said, turning away from her. "But my own heart is now filled with another."

"Can this truly be?"

The sob which Lady Lamberton choked out her words made James' eyes close again, regret swelling up within him as he realised that he had not only injured Lady Newton but also Lady Lamberton. His shoulders rounding, he dropped his head and then turned slowly.

"I am sorry."

Lady Lamberton said nothing, her hand falling to her side again though she did not look at him.

"I did not expect this," James continued, knowing that this would mean very little to Lady Lamberton but finding himself needing to say it anyway. "I did not ever think that Lady Newton would warm my heart but she has done it. And now that I have recognised that, I find myself not only grateful for it but overwhelmed with an affection for her which I cannot turn away from. I do not want to injure her."

"But you will injure me?" Lady Lamberton's voice held a touch of anger now though there was still sadness ringing through her voice. "You will do this to me, who loved you at the first? I thought that you cared for me too, though I never asked for anything more than what we shared."

There could be no answer to that and, recognising his selfishness, James dropped his head. He had not ever truly cared for Lady Lamberton but only for what she had been able to offer him. Could he say that to her? Could he truly cause her so much pain? With a scowl, James shook his head to himself, trying to find an answer which would not cause Lady Lamberton further pain. "Thank you for what you gave me," he said slowly, finding a wave of shame crashing over him. "I am sorry that I have stepped back from you so swiftly and without explanation. I – I must go."

Without another word, he turned around and hurried back through the gardens, caught with an urgent fear. He had to find Lady Newton, had to tell her the truth about what he felt and what Lady Lamberton meant to him now in the faint hope that she would believe him.

And if she did not, James could not imagine what his future would look like. It would certainly not be a happy one, he was sure of that. Not unless Lady Newton could find it in her heart to forgive him.