Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Gemma had been miserable since Lothar had left three days earlier. She had needed him then to protect her and to understand what had truly happened. He had immediately turned on her and assumed she had been seeing this man behind his back. She had given him every consideration before she had thought the worst of him. It seemed he did not hold her in equal esteem.

He wants me to have faith in him and to believe he no longer cares for Henny. When he sees me with another man, he immediately thinks the worst of me! Gemma thought with a mixture of doubt and anger.

Despite those feelings there was one feeling that was more prevalent, she missed him though it was more than that. She had not seen many of her friends and family for years now and would not be as happy to see them as she would be seeing Lothar.

Gemma had tried to be patient and had waited for Lothar to come back. She did not know what else she could do but hope.

Had my family scared him so badly that he did not want to have anything to do with me? Gemma thought as she once again took an early morning walk. The trees had started to turn from green to orange and now yellow at a frightening pace.

The once pleasant and balmy mornings had an icy wind and brought frost to the fields. Gemma could not out onto the fields without thinking of Lothar. She had felt so welcomed and enchanted by Lothar’s home that she had fallen in love with it almost as quickly as she had Lothar.

Have I fallen for him? Is this love or will it break my heart the way it did when Edward had broken it. No, if Lothar rejects me outright then it will hurt so much more! Her mind kept her honest. It already hurt that I have not seen him in almost three days, how will I make it without him for the rest of my days? If only he would come back and talk about all this.

Gemma dressed warmly and decided to brave the cold. It may even distract me away from how much my heart aches. Gemma thought as she added layer upon layer of clothing in order to feel more comfortable. Gemma set out from the house when she heard her mother’s voice.

“Good morning, dear. How did you sleep?” Her mother asked.

“Good morning, mother. I must say that I have had better sleep and could use more.” Gemma replied.

“As I suspected, my dear. You need to get away for a while, we all do. We have had quite the exhausting summer and Autumn. Then the winter is creeping closer at an alarming rate and as you know I find the season to be repulsive.” Her mother rambled as Gemma started to walk in the same direction she did every morning. The icy wind blew past and made known that the clothing Gemma had selected would not be warm enough for this walk.

“I would not go too far, dear. Your father wishes to leave soon after breakfast.” Her mother said slightly behind her. She knew her mother had trouble with her legs especially during the cold months.

She just held hope that her mother would join her on her walks as she had in the past. They had been able to speak to one another for hours. Since Gemma had failed her two seasons and had not secured marriage, Gemma had felt a gap form between them. As time had gone by these last couple of years, the gap had become a clear distance between them.

Why are you so cold to me for the sole reason that I do not have a husband ? Gemma thought but dared not utter the words.

“Where is father leaving for?” Gemma asked.

“All of us, dear. We are going on our usual trip we take in winter. As you know I dislike the cold and despise snow even more. “Her mother said in a way that meant her dislike explained their entire family going on a vacation to a warmer climate every year. Gemma did not ever complain though the timing did seem rather close to the time they all decided Lothar was not good enough for her.

“How can you like Lothar so much and then when great-grandmother arrives you completely change your opinion mother?” Gemma found herself speaking the words she thought she had kept to herself. She felt so consumed by the pain love had caused her that she could not handle her mother’s usual coldness with her usual calmness.

“Gemma, that is because I have failed you. I should have seen that the duke was not the right match for you and have taken better care of you.” Her mother replied with more emotion than she had seen in months, if not longer.

“Mother you take very good care of me, but I am no longer a little girl. You must let me form my own decisions about my life, including my love life.” Gemma said and felt like embracing her mother. She held back knowing she would dislike being pitied.

“You cannot enter into a marriage where you are already second best, my dear. You are loved and you have a home that is always open to you. You do not need to be married.” Her mother said the words she thought she would never hear.

“Since when mother?” Gemma asked and felt her chest tighten as all the pent-up emotion within her threatened to crush her lungs.

“Since always, dear. Your father and I have ensured that you were raised in a fashion that you would be able to look after our family home. More importantly, that you would not have need of anyone,” her mother replied.

“That is not the impression I got mother.” Gemma said.

“How do you mean, dear?” Her mother asked looking genuinely perplexed.

“Mother, ever since my failed seasons you have been distant with me. Now you say that it does not matter if I am wed but your actions speak loudly.” Gemma struggled to speak through her frayed emotions.

“That is not true I. Oh my dear girl,” her mother said and rushed to Gemma to embrace her. Her mother’s love and compassion made her lose the last of her resolve. Gemma felt hot tears steam down her cheeks as she held onto her mother.

“My dear, you will always be my little girl no matter how old you get. I am so so sorry that I seemed distant, I never meant to be. I felt such a failure with you that I found it difficult to look you in the eyes,” her mother explained as she still embraced her.

Her mother moved away only to wipe away Gemma’s tears. She looked at her mother with a watery smile. “I miss this,” Gemma said before fresh tears came. Gemma noticed that her mother’s eyes were not completely dry either and she was happy that the caring, loving mother was not gone. She needed the woman she used to tell every detail of her life to again. She needed her sage advice and her compassion.

“Are we going on this trip to take me further away from Lothar?” Gemma had to ask.

“In a way, yes. Though it is getting cold quickly this year,” her mother replied.

“I understand. It is just that we had agreed to stay this year, and the crops need constant minding,” Gemma pleaded her case.

“I know you want to stay, dear but I also know it has little to do with the crops.”

“Does it matter if it does, mother?” Gemma asked.

“You will come with us on our family vacation and that is the end of it. If Lothar does love you and can be trusted being left to his own devices, then he should be waiting for you in the spring when you return.” Her mother said as she moved away and gave Gemma one last embrace before she left to return into the house.

Gemma stood there feeling more confused than when she had started the conversation with her mother. They had just shared a loving moment only to have her inform her of what was expected of her and then as usual, expecting it to be done.

She knew that was the way with parents, but she wondered when she might be able to choose for herself. She could not possibly go away for three to six months without seeing Lothar, especially not in the way things had been left between them.

I may come back to find that there is no us anymore! Gemma thought with despair. Lothar would not dare even look at another woman if he knew Gemma was his, she was sure if it. However he was now under the impression that she was interested in another man. He may take it upon himself to give up on their courtship or even worse, on them. Gemma wanted to write to him but thought about the last time she had sent him a letter and the trouble it had caused.

I must let him know where I am and where he can find me. Gemma thought as she decided to leave her walk for the day and write that letter after all. Gemma hurriedly made her way to her sleeping quarters and sat at her writing desk.

She heard the bell being rung for breakfast and knew that her time was running out. Gemma’s hand shook as she got her ink well and quill ready to use. She started the first letter only to mess ink all over the words and now had to clean up the mess before it ruined her wooden desk. Gemma felt close to tears again as she moped up the mess as best as she could. She took a fresh piece of paper out and started again.

Dear Lothar

I am not sure how pleased you will be hearing from me. I implore you to please hear my side of things.

At the very least read what I have to say before you turn away from me. You see the gentleman you had seen me with was a guest that I did not invite, and his advances were even less welcomed. In fact if you had not arrived when you had that night, I fear that something unseemly would have occurred.

My family wish to embark on their annual vacation. One that will last the duration of winter and will mean that we will return only in the spring. I do not think that I can be such a long duration without you and hope that I can see you before we leave.

We will start our voyage on the ferry and will travel closer to the tropics. I enclose the exact locations of where we shall be staying for a few days or weeks each and pray you will come find me.

Yours,

Gemma

Gemma wrote down all the islands they were to stay on and the estimated dates they would arrive and embark from again. Gemma knew it was highly unlikely that he would find her or even come looking for her. She knew he cared deeply for her, but no man had ever gone quite that far for her.

Gemma sealed the letter and rushed to find a servant that could get the letter to Lothar as soon as was possible. Gemma then made her way to the breakfast table where her tardiness was put down to her disappointment at leaving Lothar behind.

“Good morning.” Gemma greeted her family as she entered the dining hall. They all greeted her back in chorus. Her parents looked at her as she sat down and then gave each other a look only they understood. Gemma caught it and suspected that a lecture was imminent.

Instead they ate breakfast in silence which was odd for a family who spoke so much to one another that their food often got cold before they could enjoy it.

“Right. I would like everyone to be packed and ready within an hour. We must leave at nine if we are to make the ferry in time,” her father announced as he got up to leave the room. Gemma surmised that he was off to make his last-minute preparations for their family vacation. Gemma would usually be bursting with excitement on the day they were to leave every year. Today she only felt lackluster and a sense of dread.

Gemma smiled knowing that Lothar might read her letter and forgive her and that they may stand a chance when spring came around. She would be so pleased if he would write back to her while she was away. Gemma dragged her feet as she made her way to her sleeping quarters. Ashley was already busy packing the clothing, personal care items and her writing material into her luggage.

“Good morning, Ashley. Hard at work I see,” Gemma said, trying to sound less burdened than she was.

“Good morning, My Lady. Is it not exciting to get away from this horrid cold?” Ashley asked.

“Yes, it is.” Gemma tried to muster a genuine smile. Ashley paused for a moment seeming to sense there was something amiss but, she did not say anything on the topic. Soon their bags were packed, and the carriage was prepared for the journey to the docks. Gemma sat quietly as the rest of her family chatted away excitedly about the voyage to come. Gemma tried to join in where she could but found that it lifted her spirits only by a fraction.

They soon arrived at the docks where their luggage was boarded, and they could enjoy a light meal and refreshments while they waited. Gemma drank tea but could not eat. Breakfast had been enough of a trial for her. Gemma heard the ship’s crew ring the bell which meant it was time to board. She put down the remainder of her tea and got up to follow her family who had started heading towards the ferry.

The ferry would take them to a vessel too large to dock. Gemma boarded and felt unsteady on her feet. It had little to do with the ferry, Gemma was used to the feeling of the waves rocking the boat back and forth. Her stomach protested as she was about to leave Lothar far behind. She would give anything to have those two months of courtship he had won in the chess game.

Is life not strange? I did not want him when I could have him. Now that it seems we are over, I want him! I am no better than the baroness. I had thought he would be there if I decided to get married after our courtship. I had been selfish and na?ve!

“Wait! Please wait!” Gemma’s heart slammed into her chest as she heard the familiar deep voice, over the sounds of the ferry, and the well-wishers on shore.

Get yourself together! There are many men that have deep voices Gemma told herself as she saw Lothar heading toward the ferry. Now your mind is playing tricks on you! I would rather lose my mind and have him with me than to be sane and hold onto my sanity without him! Gemma’s mind raced as her hallucination started to envelop her.

“My Lady, you have no idea how happy I am that I have caught you before your departure,” Lothar said taking her hand in his.

“Your Grace, is it really you?” Gemma asked as she felt the warmth of his hand as confirmation that he was indeed real.

“How dare you show your face here,” her father yelled as he stormed toward them.

“Sir I dare do so since I love your daughter and want her to be my wife,” Lothar replied to her father and stood his ground.

“I told you, Your Grace. Gemma will not be second best in your sordid love affairs. We come from a family who value having only one wife and making her feel like the only woman in the world. Without your title this young woman is a queen and should be treated as such.” Her father’s voice was laced with anger. He was a calm man who rarely lost his temper. For him to be this upset, he must feel terribly hurt.

“Father please calm down,” Gemma asked quietly. Her father looked at her for a moment before taking her to the side.

“I only want what is best for you, dear girl. You are not second to us. I will not allow you to be second to anyone.” Her father spoke softly so that only she could hear.

“Father, he has no feelings for the baroness, I know it in my heart,” Gemma replied.

“He has a long way to go before he has proven himself,” her father warned.

“I know that he is up to the task, father,” Gemma replied with a confidence she felt down to her bones.

“Very well.” Her father said and headed towards Lothar. They spoke quietly for a moment. First it looked as though her father wanted to attack him but then calmed down. She could tell little by watching their exchange. Their faces were both solemn and she could not hear a single word spoken. After a while they headed back to her and the waiting family.

Gemma let go of a breath she had not realized she had been holding, only to have it stolen away when Lothar went down on one knee and presented her with the most beautiful diamond ring she had ever seen. There was a large diamond surrounded by smaller ones that had been cast to look like the petals of a flower.

“Miss Gemma Castwell, would you do me the greatest honor and become my wife?” Lothar asked.

“Yes! Yes of course!” Gemma exclaimed as Lothar gently put the ring on her left hand and embraced her. Her family first looked to her father who gave a nod of approval.

“Remain calm,” Her father said as he raised his hand up. “If he does anything to hurt Gemma or upset any one of us, we could just throw him overboard,” her father said as an over exaggeration to highlight their unneeded worry. Gemma knew it was a joke but did not doubt that he father would do as he threatened.

Fortunately she knew he would never hurt her and that she was the only woman in his life. He had mended that which had been broken inside her and she had watched him grow into the man of her dreams. Their hearts were not only solely for each other but now beat to the same rhythm.