39. I Shall Dream of You

thirty-nine

I Shall Dream of You

Alessia

“ N a tromluithe is binne,” a young, soft voice says. “I know good dreams are too much to ask for, so I pray to the goddess for the sweetest nightmares instead.”

I blink a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the dim light. I’m in a room I’ve never seen before, but instinctually, I recognize it as Rainer’s castle—the dark, mahogany wood screams of Umbra Court. A massive bed with black sheets matches the dark, billowing curtains framing balcony doors. The crescent moon peeks in, its pale light slicing through the room.

But I barely pay any attention to the furniture. Instead, my gaze is drawn to the little boy perched on his knees beside the bed. His back is to me, and his dark, wavy hair falls to the back of his neck. His hands are clasped in front of him, resting on the mattress.

He continues his prayer, mumbling something indecipherable.

When he turns, the moonlight dances across his face, catching on his pale blue eyes. They fill like a well after a rainstorm. He sniffles, using his sleeve to swipe at his cheeks as the tears fall.

“I miss you, mama,” he says softly, striding toward the balcony. He doesn’t notice me as he passes me, reaching for the doors. He pauses for a moment, tilting his head toward the sky. He can’t be more than ten years old, but the weight in his gaze mirrors centuries of pain. “Na tromluithe is binne. Goodnight, moon. ”

With one swift gesture, he tugs the doors shut. Then, he turns and runs to his bed, his little feet slapping on the hardwood floor. He dives onto the mattress, burying himself in the sheets and tugging them up over his head.

“He’s why I wanted to be a better male,” a soft, dark whisper comes from behind me.

I whirl around. Rainer stands there in identical dark pajamas as the young boy—as the younger version of himself. Now a grown man, his haunted expression still lingers but is complemented by a chiseled jawline and prominent eyebrows. Gone is the small, fragile frame; in its place is a robust and muscular body exuding strength.

I launch myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and peppering his face with kisses.

“Mo róisín,” he says softly. “You are normally much more reserved with your love.”

I squeeze him tighter, not knowing how to respond. His words sink into my core, making me wish I’d been more open and free with my affections while I had the chance.

“We should’ve completed the bond,” I mutter into his neck after a lengthy silence. “Wherever you’re going next, I want to go with you.”

Gently, he grips my waist and pulls me away from him. His hands rest on my sides, fingers splaying out and pressing into my skin.

“You can’t die. Your purpose isn’t complete,” he says sternly. “Fate has other ideas for you.”

“Feck fate!” I yell. Then, I wince, glancing over my shoulder to ensure I didn’t disturb the little boy slumbering there. The quiet lump rises and falls with each of his breaths. The irritation slowly melts away from me. “That little boy would be so proud of the male you became,” I add softly.

I don’ t know how much time we have together before our permanent goodbye. There’s too much to say, and I don’t want to waste it fighting.

“I know,” Rainer says. He nods, and a sad expression creeps onto his face. “I know that because of you. All my life, I never felt good enough. I viewed myself as a monster, unworthy of love in any form.”

“You are beyond worthy,” I say, cupping his face.

With a soft smile, he gently places his hands over mine and says, “You’ve allowed me to see that I deserve love, flaws and all.” He gives me a soft, reassuring squeeze. “I have so much love and generosity to offer, and I regret that it took me this long to admit that. If only I had recognized the truth earlier, I would have wholeheartedly given myself to you, unafraid.”

As I try to speak, my eyes brim with tears, and a tightness grips my throat. I drop my hands, nodding as I start to pull away.

Rainer gently grabs my wrist, tugging me to him. He wraps his arms around my midsection, pulling me flush to his front and resting his head on my shoulder. We sway gently as we face the bed where the little boy sleeps, tucked away from sight.

“Another nightmare?” I ask softly, avoiding the reality of our situation. I don’t want to talk about endings. I can’t .

“Always,” he whispers in my ear. “But that little boy’s prayers came true. Now, I have the sweetest of nightmares.” He kisses the tender spot behind my ear. “ You are my sweetest little nightmare.”

I allow my body to grow soft and pliable as I lean into him. “This is the last time I will feel your touch, isn’t it?” My voice cracks, and I can barely speak through the heaviness in my chest.

His hand slides up to the middle of my chest, coming flat atop my heart. “You will always feel me here. ”

The words crack the dam, and my tears stream down my cheeks, staining my skin with the pain of our reality.

“I need you to know…” He sighs, and his breath tickles the side of my neck. “Alessia, it’s effortless to love you. Don’t guard your heart—let others fall for your beautiful soul like I have.”

“No, Rainer—”

“You are easy to love,” he repeats. “And you deserve love in its purest forms. Despite everything you’ve endured, you’ve thrived in the shadows. Don’t let this— me —be an excuse to shut others out.”

My heart spasms in an erratic rhythm. “I only want to be loved by you .”

“I will always love you, and I will wait for you in the Otherworld and beyond.” His arms tighten around me, and he lowers his voice. “But it better be a very long time until we meet again.”

Ripping free from his hold, I spin around and glare at him through the tears obscuring my vision. “Just wake up! Stay with me!”

“It’s not that easy.” A tear streaks down his cheek, and he shakes his head. “I’m dying , Alessia.”

“But you’re not dead yet!”

He gives me an apologetic look, flattening his lips. “I—”

“No!” I ball my hands into fists, slamming them against Rainer’s chest. “You wouldn’t be here with me if you were dead!”

He doesn’t even budge; he lets me pound him until, finally, he sighs and grabs my hands and pulls me to him.

“It’s too late for me.” His voice is hoarse, stained with his pain. “But it is not too late for you.”

“I love you, Rainer.” I sob, dropping to the floor and dragging him down with me.

My white lace nightgown flares out around me like the petals of a flower. Rainer moves with me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I wish I said it sooner,” I whisper, trying and failing to blink away the tears.

“You didn’t need to say it for me to feel it,” he says, his voice tender. His lip trembles, and it crushes me how much emotion is on this stoic male’s face. “I love you, too. To the Otherworld and beyond.”

I suck in a stuttering breath, a sob escaping. “Are you scared?” I whisper.

He holds my gaze for a beat. Then he murmurs, “I am a creature of fear and nightmares. I will be just fine.”

“That’s not what I asked,” I say, sniffling.

Sighing, he hesitates. His head lolls forward, and he runs his fingers through his hair.

When he looks up and meets my eyes again, they shimmer with tears. “Yes,” he whispers. “I am always scared, Alessia. My heart is filled with nothing but fear.” He pauses. “Or it was —until you wiggled your way in, forcing it to make room for love.”

Thunder cracks through the night sky, and the little boy in bed jolts up, a scream bursting free.

Panic strikes me like lightning. I’m not ready to go. Not yet.

“Stay. Just a little longer,” I plead with Rainer.

Summoning my inner strength, I close my eyes and focus on changing the dreamscape. If I can at least gift Rainer one final good dream…

The sound of bubbling water reaches my ears, and the hardwood beneath me is replaced with a lush blanket of green .

Orange light bursts behind my eyelids, and slowly, I crack my eyes open.

“Our first dream together,” Rainer whispers, gazing past me. He shifts from his haunches, planting his arse on the ground beside me.

I glance over my shoulder. A golden ribbon of water flows through the river—an impossibly beautiful liquid satin. On the other side, a dense forest stretches out. Birds sing tunes of joy, and the air is lighter here.

The midday sun warms my skin. Rainer leans back, gazing up at the clouds fluttering past overhead. Instead of doing the same, I hike my dress up my thighs and straddle him.

He chuckles, but I can hear the pain underneath it.

“It’s not too late,” I whisper, planting my lips against his. He kisses me back, pouring his heart into it as his fingers tangle in my hair.

Beneath me, he instantly grows hard. I grind against him, wanting him before it’s too late.

Wanting to go with him, wherever that may be.

I lift my hips, reaching for the button on his pants, quickly undoing them. He sucks in a sharp breath as I pull him free.

Pulling my underwear to the side, I line him up with my slick entrance, rubbing his head against my clit. He groans, squeezing my waist tighter.

“Don’t do it,” he threatens, but he makes no move to stop it.

Every fiber of my being pulses with an overwhelming craving and urgency. It’s as though the dormant bond within me has suddenly awakened, yearning to connect with him. No matter where he goes, I want to be right there with him.

My shadow stays still and quiet, and I don’t know whether it’s in deference of the bond or because we’re entangled in a dream. Either way, I take it as a sign to continue—to chase the need eroding my resolve.

“Do you want me?” I whisper, pausing with his flesh against mine. My legs quiver as I hover over his hardness. All I would have to do is sink down, and he’d be inside of me.

We’d tie our lives to one another, solidifying our fate.

I wouldn’t be without him ever again.

“More than anything,” he says breathlessly, staring at me with reverence. Then he squeezes his eyes shut and makes a pained sound.

Slowly, I begin to lower myself, but Rainer’s fingers tighten, stopping me before we merge.

“We can’t.” He growls, picking me up by the waist and depositing me on the ground beside him. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but I’m not selfish enough to do this.”

“I don’t want to live without you,” I say quietly, my hands trembling with the gravity of what I almost did.

“This isn’t right.” He tucks himself back into his pants, sitting up and reaching for me.

I collapse into his arms, sobbing. With care and patience, he strokes my back in small motions.

“You are not selfish either, mo róisín, and so many people rely on you now.”

I shake my head against him, ready to argue. My hands tighten around the fabric of his shirt, clutching him.

“Yes, they do,” he whispers, cradling me. “Sheila and her brother. The other little Tradeling. Fern. Das Celyn—they’ll want to stay with you. Ken, too. He might need you more than anyone. And—” He sucks in a breath. “If Tynan didn’t betray us, if this was all just a horrible accident, he’ll need you, too. Be their leader, Alessia. Guide them through this.”

It’s too much. Too heavy and too real. I can only pour my emotions out through my touch, holding onto Rainer like I can’t bear to part with him.

Because I can’t.

But I have to.

“Sometimes, even the strongest roses wither and die,” he says softly. “But new ones will pop up in their place. It’s the cycle of life.”

“I don’t want a new rose, you idiot,” I yell between sobs. “It’s you. You or no one. Stay with me!”

He strokes lazy circles on my palm, staring down at it blankly. “Remember when I once said I’m cursed with malice while you are cursed with mercy?”

“Of course,” I say, practically choking on the words. “I could never forget that.”

He sighs, and this time, it’s a sound of acceptance. “My curse isn’t just malice—it’s to destroy those I love. My mother, you…”

Shaking my head vigorously, I squeeze his leg. “That’s a basket of shite, and you know it.”

The sky darkens, and a loud crack resounds through the dreamscape.

“Don’t you dare go, Rainer!” I cry. “I swear to the gods if you leave me here…”

The world darkens around us, and his voice rings out one last time: “Dream of me, mo róisín, and no matter where I go, I shall dream of you.”