1. Something to Fight For

one

Something to Fight For

Alessia

Y ou can’t ignore me forever. My shadow-self mocks me from within, an echo of my own voice.

“You are an absolute pain in my arse.” I scrunch my nose in exasperation, weaving through the Umbra Court’s gardens.

The resounding dark laughter within me rattles my bones, confirming I’m doing the right thing. Once the high of the possibilities wore off, reality closed in. Apparently, my shadow doesn’t want to listen to me. Using it for good won’t be as easy as I had foolishly thought.

Perhaps you aren’t listening to me, it says exasperatedly. It sounds just like me but more fierce. And decidedly more frustrating.

I ignore it, sucking in a lungful of fresh, dewy air.

Hidden amidst a dense mass of clouds, the sun attempts to reveal itself. It’s not quite enough to wash away the shadows of Umbra Court. The flowers, with their vibrant colors, bring life to the otherwise dull and unsaturated world around them.

As I walk through the endless gardens, the scent of roses fills the air. They cluster in shades of deep ruby red to light cheery pink. Even some whites, purples, and yellows pop up in between .

Amid them, the stone castle stands tall—an imposing, weathered edifice that never fails to leave me breathless. I strain my neck, searching the maze of flowers for Rainer.

Instead, Ezamae steps into my line of sight. He seems out of place with his knee-high metallic boots, collared shirt, and navy coat with oversized, glittering silver buttons. His hair is the color of moonlight, the curls settling in ringlets around his sharp ears.

Seeing him makes my heart ache for the owner of these gardens—the prince I’m distancing myself from so I can focus on myself without distraction—a male who is just as handsome but wild.

I wanted to say goodbye one last time before leaving for my court, but he’s nowhere to be found. My shoulders sag, but I can’t fault him for not wanting to see me off.

Ezamae watches me sharply, his porcelain face bearing no expression. He’s waiting patiently for me to say I’m ready.

But I won’t ever be ready.

Leaving Rainer—and Umbra Court—behind is a hard choice, but I must do it. Everything is different now that I have this shadow within me. Now that I’m the princess of Spiritus Court. Returning to my court is my duty, and learning to make peace with my newfound magic is necessary.

Good choice , my shadow-self says. Love makes you weak.

“I’m not leaving because you’re right,” I mutter. “I’m leaving because you’re wrong, and I will prove it.”

I need to get myself together and learn how to control this all-consuming darkness before it causes harm.

“Are you talking to me ?” Ezamae asks, lifting a pale brow. His forehead stays smooth even with the movement .

I shake my head, striding toward him.

A dark storm cloud rolls through the sky overhead, exponentially dimming the already overcast sky.

Ezamae glances up, then tilts his head at me. The first few raindrops fall, and he swipes at his jacket as if they’ve personally offended him. There’s an edge to the Aer Prince, but it’s different from Rainer’s raw brutality. Ez possesses more of a mystique—his shimmering silver eyes hold endless depths of secrets. He might not be tortured or hardened like some of the fae I’ve met, but he’s no less powerful.

And he will never stir up lust and longing like Rainer does. My eyes flit around the gardens, still searching for the Umbra Prince—to etch one last look into my mind before I leave him.

“Are you ready, darling?” Ez offers me a calming smile, and I force one back. The rain picks up, and he reaches a hand out, wiggling his fingers. “The storm is coming.”

I frown, turning to the sky and letting the cool drops prick my skin. “It’s not my fault you didn’t dress for the weather.”

He chuckles, and I sigh, tipping my head back down and accepting that it’s time to go.

Over Ez’s shoulder, movement snags my attention. Rainer’s intense stare locks with mine, his jaw firmly set and his body stiff. His hands are shoved into his pocket, and he toes the dirt with his muddied boots. I fixate on his frosty, blue eyes, waiting for them to soften. But they remain sharp—the rest of his expression unreadable.

I offer him a small smile, hoping to break the wall between us. But when he doesn’t make a move to come toward me, a sensation of pins and needles shoots down my spine, leaving me with an unsettling guilt.

Without breaking the stare or shying away from the heaviness between us, I slowly reach for Ez’s outstretched hand. There’s plenty of time for Rainer to speak, to make a move, but he remains rigid.

Until, at the last second, his face falls, and his mouth opens as if he’s going to call for me.

But it’s too late.

My skin meets Ez’s, and the world tumbles away from my feet. Colors and lights blur past me as we’re shot into the ether, leaving Umbra Court behind. I squeeze my eyes shut, but it’s over before I can suck in my next breath. The world returns beneath my feet. I stumble, but Ez grabs my arm to steady me.

My head spins briefly with the disorientation, but my balance quickly returns, and I open my eyes.

The sight of Spiritus Court steals my breath. It was known as Shyga, a place of death and decay for many years.

Gone is the dull, haunted swamp filled with shadows and skeletal trees. Gone is the stench of death and sulfur. Now, the land is as abundant, teeming with the chitter of insects and tweeting birds. Hazy morning fog carries a sweet, fresh scent on the breeze.

Also gone is the male with half of my heart tucked beneath his ribs. A heaviness sits on my chest, and for a moment, regret swallows me.

Did I do the right thing?

How does anyone ever know if what they’re doing is the right thing ?

“Spiritus Court is underground,” Ez says softly. “That’s the entrance.” He points.

The once waterlogged bog has transformed into a flourishing landscape, unveiling the long-lost entrance to Spiritus Court. Previously bare tree branches are decorated with leaves and vines in various shades of green. In the heart of it all, a tree of remarkable width stands as wide as a carriage. At its base, a beautifully carved door is nestled into the trunk. The door blends almost seamlessly with the tree, made of the same rough, brown bark.

Had Ez not pointed it out, I might’ve missed it entirely. However, on closer inspection, I notice the wooden knob protruding like a tree knot. Despite the tree’s size, the door is barely wide enough for one to enter at a time.

Staring silently, I wonder what lies below the ground.

I long for Rainer’s grounding presence beside me. Doing this without him feels like a mistake. As the seconds tick by, my head grows weightless, and a sharp ache spreads through my chest.

I take slow, deliberate breaths, but my lungs are starved for air.

I left him behind.

After everything we’ve been through to make it back to one another, I left him in Umbra Court.

My body is empty as if all my bones were carved out, leaving only a hollow husk of pining. Every nerve ending in my body screams at me, begging me to make my way back to Rainer.

"Please, gods, don’t let this be a mistake," I whisper.

The heat of Ez’s body fills the space beside me, replacing some of the emptiness .

“You saved everyone’s lives by resuming your role at the Spiritus Court, princess,” he says kindly. His eyes sparkle with fondness as he studies me. “There’s no mistake in that.”

I don’t have the energy to correct him—to clarify what I mean. The mistake is not about stepping into my new role. It’s about whether or not I should be doing it alone.

Perhaps I’m overreacting, and the tumultuous shadow I carry isn’t that bad.

Ez must read the turmoil on my face because his shoulders soften, and his arm wraps around my shoulder, pulling me to him. Panic flares to life. Even though Rainer’s not here, and he’s been cordial with Ez, I don’t think he’d appreciate him touching me.

My vision darkens as Ez wraps his other arm around me, pulling me in for an innocent hug. A wave of heat consumes me. My palms vibrate, giving me practically no warning as a dark shadows explode from them. The long, tentacle-like wisps of darkness shove Ez, knocking him straight onto his back in the grass.

He makes a sound of shock and raises himself to his elbows. His lips part as if he’s going to speak, but a wisp invades his mouth. Fear spreads across his face as he gags, trying and failing to pull the shadow free.

“Stop!” I yell, my head pounding in alarm. I claw at the shadows, desperate to pull them back to me. With each swipe, pain blossoms on my arms.

It’s like in the Cave of Reflection when I tried to harm the shadow and only hurt myself instead.

Ezamae’s face turns an alarming shade of blueish-purple as he sputters, eyes wide .

“I will never forgive you!” I scream at the darkness, wholly unsure of how to stop this. “Fight back, Ez! Fight it!”

I grab him by the arm, trying unsuccessfully to drag him away from the shadow. At the last second, the darkness withdraws, slinking away into my skin arrogantly slowly.

A breeze rushes past me as Ez presumably calls upon his air magic to fill his lungs. He sucks in breath after breath, staring down at the ground with a blank expression.

Slowly, he plants his hands on the ground and presses himself up. He carefully brushes his hands off, then inspects his outfit, plucking off pieces of leaves and dirt.

“This is velvet,” he says hoarsely. He forces a smile, trying to lighten the mood, but it does nothing.

My heart pounds erratically as I stand there trembling.

“What just happened?” I ask, staring at my palms.

“You tell me.” He tussles his curls, trying to appear unfazed as he fixes his hair, but his eyes stay locked warily on me.

I can’t voice it, but I know exactly what happened—the same thing that keeps happening and why I left Umbra. My shadow-self is out of control. The magic—the urges inside me—are dark, demanding, and dangerous. It’s as if my shadow knew I needed a reminder of why I’m here alone: to protect those I care about.

“Why didn’t you fight back?” I mumble.

He narrows his eyes at my arms, pointing. Red, stinging lines crisscross my skin. “ That is why. I know what happened in the cave. I would rather not risk harming you.”

“You could’ve died!” I say, backing away from him. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to avoid his scrutiny. “I’m fine. ”

Love makes you weak, my shadow-self says. Not only romantic love but all love.

“Shut up,” I say. “ You did this, and I will never forgive you.” Ez flinches at my words, and I give him a look of apology, shaking my head. “No—not you, Ez. It’s my…”

I’m not sure what to say. Instead, I begin to pace.

“I’m worried about you,” he says softly.

“You shouldn’t be here. You need to go.”

“It’ll be okay,” he says, stepping toward me.

Blackness wavers in the edge of my vision, and the thrum beneath my skin grows stronger.

“Just go ,” I demand, terrified that my shadow will explode out again and hurt my friend. “I need space.”

He stiffens and then slowly backs away to put space between us. The emptiness in my heart grows as he tries—and fails—to hide the worry in his expression. He swallows heavily, his throat bobbing with the motion.

“I should get back to Yvanthia before she drags me back,” he says quickly. “I’ll return to check on you, of course.”

There’s no way I can risk hurting anyone else. I need to learn to control this damn power. I almost scoff at the notion. This isn’t something I ever anticipated, nor have I ever wanted. The darkness within me is uncontrollable. It doesn’t listen to me and it threatens those I care about.

“It’s better if you don’t,” I whisper to Ez, swiping my shaking hands on my leggings. “Come back, I mean.”

“What?” His mouth tips into a frown .

“I need space from all of you.” Please , I almost say, to soften the blow. Hurt flits across his face, but a look of understanding quickly replaces it.

He hesitates, but I don’t waver. I wave a hand at him, telling him to shoo.

Finally, he sighs and nods.

“As you wish, darling.” He places a hand on his chest and offers me a quick bow. Leaves kick up in a flurry of wind, and he’s gone without another word.

My body crumples, and my knees hit the dirt with a thud. Sobs rip from my throat as I clutch the grass, hating this.

I’m not weak. I’m strong .

I’m not weak. I’m strong .

For a second, I think it’s my regular mantra, but then I realize it’s that unwelcome voice coming from my depths. It’s almost as if it’s mocking me.

“Leave me alone,” I cry out.

I’m not weak. I’m strong .

This time, it sounds more like me, but I know it’s still the shadow. Or is it me? I can’t tell anymore—I can’t even trust my thoughts.

It is you. It is me. We are one .

I clutch my head. “Stop,” I beg. “ Please . Stop.”

Forcing myself to a stand, I aggressively wipe the tears from my face and suck in a deep breath. Letting the voice control me might be easier—but it’s weaker. Succumbing is not an option. I have too many people relying on me to let them down.

I must learn how to stifle the voice and get my life back.

The weight of the realm seems to rest on my shoulders as I trudge wearily toward the entrance of my court. With each step, the burden grows heavier, threatening to crush my resolve.

This is my home .

I am not a victim.

I am not a prisoner.

And I refuse to be either of those things in my own skin.

This is my choice. Not my shadow’s. Not Rainer’s. Not anyone else’s. This is what I want—to create a home while I learn to master my internal darkness.

“You hear that?” I whisper to myself. “You won’t break me. You won’t win this.”

The scratches on my arms sting, reminding me that my shadow isn’t only a liability to others. But to me as well.

I know that I can’t hurt it—I only hurt myself. But what if someone else hurts it?

If it acts as an extension of my flesh, and if I take the brunt of the injuries, does it mean I could be killed ?

The prospect causes me to shudder. If I had solidified my soul-bond with Rainer, and our fates were tied, would he be killed, too?

Anxious thoughts fill my mind, rattling me. It’s too complicated, too risky, to mess around with. I need answers and solutions. This thing inside of me must be dealt with as soon as possible.

Reaching the tree door, I square my shoulders and fill my lungs with a long breath. Whatever awaits me down there can’t be any worse than what lives inside me. Even if it is, I’ll persist.

I’ve overcome worse, and I’ll overcome this, too.

There is no overcoming; you must embrace me .

“Never,” I mutter. There must be a way to overcome it. There’s too much I have to do. I need my wits so I can free the Tradelings from Dovenak. I need to awaken Spiritus Court and make it a home for the broken and the lost, as promised. I want to let Rainer in—safely.

Gritting my teeth, I grip the doorknob and slowly open the door to my court, ready to face what lies below.

If love truly made me weak, as my shadow implied, I’d surrender. Instead, I will fight to ensure I’m safe around others. Love empowers me. It makes me strong.

That voice inside me is wrong—love gives me something to fight for.