Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Aurelia's heart hammered in her chest, louder than a group of young boys with drums on Christmas morning. She gripped the doorknob to her bedroom, tempted to slip inside and lock it in the hopes Ryland would leave on his own. Instead, she released the handle and turned to face him, holding herself around the middle, as though she was keeping herself together with her own thin arms.

Ryland held the candle, the flickering flame casting warm light across his face. His eyes were dark, no clear delineation between the pupil and iris, making his focus intense. Aurelia swallowed nervously. Was he angry she had the audacity to remain at Tilton? He had clearly stated he would never invite Nathaniel to his home—was that meant to extend to her as well?

No, of course not. All he had asked was for her to explain why she had not told him the truth herself—a reasonable request.

"I meant to," she said quietly. "I went in search of you today for that very reason, but I was too late."

Ryland shook his head. "Aurelia, be honest with me. You had many opportunities before this. I cannot keep a dishonest woman in my employ."

She cringed, her stomach dropping to the floor. "I did have other opportunities. It was wrong of me to wait so long, and the longer I waited, the harder it became. I have no excuse—I was frightened of being released, of losing Edmund, this home, of what I would do if you dismissed me."

"If you'd been honest from the beginning?—"

"In the beginning, you did not know my character. I feared Nathaniel's reputation and your experiences with him would sour you toward me. But after I felt I'd proved myself, it was a daunting task to speak the truth. I have no good reason, nothing to say that will wipe my guilt away and allow me to start clean. I made a mistake, my lord?—"

"Aurelia," he whispered, the sound filling the empty, quiet corridor. His voice was laced with longing, heartache. Nothing at all like the anger she had expected from him. It reached through her chest, making her heart beat even faster. "How am I to know you are nothing like your brother? He fooled me into believing he was my friend not once, but twice. Each time, he used me."

The question hung between them, woven with hurt and uncertainty.

"I am nothing like my brother," she said firmly. "What I feel for Edmund and this household is real. I would never do anything to jeopardize that boy's happiness. I need you to see me , Ryland. Not Nathaniel and his antics, but me ."

He shook his head, taking a step back. "Smedley has presented you with an alternative so you are not forced to look for another governess position."

Another position? He was dismissing her? The air swept from her lungs, making it difficult to breathe, to stand here.

"He will likely approach you tomorrow, but he has renewed his interest in an engagement. If it is agreeable to you, I can have Pike organize a time for you to meet with him."

She worried she would vomit. "That won't be necessary."

Ryland stared at her. "You do not wish to be married?"

"Not to him, no."

"You would choose another governess position over?—"

"I would choose this governess position if you would grant me another chance."

Ryland's chest heaved. "I do not understand. Smedley would give you security, freedom."

"I have both of—well, I had both of those here. I was happy here, Ryland." She could hear the pleading in her voice, but she did not care.

He stared at her.

She pressed her suit. "I am sorry for the pain I've caused you. Please, forgive my foolishness and allow me to remain with Edmund."

Ryland's hand dropped limply to his side. "Edmund."

And you , she wanted to say, but the words would not leave her mouth. She sensed the pull between them, the tight string binding them together. Did he sense it too? Did he also want to pull the string until no space remained?

"Only Edmund?" he whispered, setting the candle on the small table outside of her room.

Aurelia swallowed, feeling a shift between them. "No," she said quietly. "Tilly has proven to be a lovely friend as well."

A smile flickered on the edges of his mouth, but died out quickly. "We cannot forget Tilly."

"Or Mr. Pike. Christopher. Jasper. Sally. Julia."

"Yes. Anyone else?" he asked, taking another step.

Her pulse pounded, not allowing her mind to travel to his nearness or what he intended to do once there were no more steps to take. "Mr. Barnes has been particularly lovely. Ruth, Mr. Wycliffe, Eliza, Mr. Ridley, Peter." As she listed the people in Harewood who had accepted her and made her feel welcome, she realized how much she had grown to love this place. "Mr. Chatham and his lively sermons. Mr. Rose and Mr. Oliver."

Ryland reached her side. He lifted his hand to her chin, raising her face to meet his. "You are forgetting someone."

"Oh, of course. Mrs. Pike."

A smile broke out over his lips, a small chuckle emitting from him that made her feel like she had won a great race.

"And you," she finally said, holding his brown eyes, the words no more than a whisper. "I would like to remain here, with you."

Ryland's hand slipped over her jaw. He breathed, watching her, leaning close until his chest met hers. She didn't move for fear the spell would break and he would walk away. Instead, she reveled in the feeling of his arms around her, his breath mingling with hers, the warmth and weight of his body pressing against her.

"Will you forgive me?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, searching her eyes. "I worried you were like your brother, that you'd fooled me into thinking you might care for me when all you truly desired was what my title could provide." He swallowed. "You have proven to be different. What I cannot determine is where we will go from here." He looked down at her lips and swallowed.

Aurelia's stomach fluttered. She ran her hands up his chest and felt the fierce beating of his heart, the quick intake of breath when she touched him. "I have not asked for anything more," she said, selfishly logging each feeling that flew through her, knowing it would never happen again. She was only the governess, and he was an earl.

"No, how could you? You've been nothing but proper and polite, the perfect governess." He dipped his head closer, his lips nearly brushing hers.

She could feel the increase in his heartbeat, the yearning to close the gap between them. That would be making a choice that would change the course of their lives, and Ryland was a true gentleman.

But surely one kiss would not ruin her. Surely one kiss would not ruin them both.

Her fingers traveled up his neck, brushing against the scratchy stubble lining his cheeks. His breaths came faster. Aurelia leaned up on her tiptoes, pushing her lips against his until there was no space left between them, no more deliberating, nothing keeping them apart. If Ryland could not bring himself to kiss her, she would make the choice for him.

Once she did, the tension snapped. He pressed into her, pushing her into the door, his hands getting lost in her hair while his lips devoured hers. Aurelia embraced the warmth rushing through her, accepting it as the confirmation that he felt the same way she did. Each time his lips closed over hers, she sank lower and lower into her feelings, perfectly aware nothing else mattered except showing this man how important he was to her.

Except he could not be important to her, could he?

Aurelia leaned back, breathless, and searched his eyes in the dim candlelight. One kiss might not have ruined her, but that certainly did. She was utterly ruined for any other man now that she knew what it was to be cherished by Ryland.

"I should let you return to sleep," she said, unsure how else to slip away. Her mind was racing, her body humming.

"Sleep is impossible at this point, I'm afraid." He gave her a half-smile.

She knew precisely what he meant. His arms were still around her, and she wasn't doing anything to push him away. She had started the kiss, yes, but she had also broken it. She'd done the right thing, had she not? Unless it was clear exactly where she and Ryland stood, she needed to protect her heart.

The longer she stood wrapped in his arms, the harder it would be to walk away. She started to push against his chest when he spoke.

"Will you speak to Smedley? He claims you were nearly engaged before, and he seems to think you would accept him now."

Aurelia wrinkled her nose. "I have nothing to say to him. One should not be forced to endure a third proposal when the first two were so utterly painful."

" Third proposal? You refused him before?"

"Yes, of cour—did he say differently?"

Ryland gave her a sheepish smile. "He might have implied he walked away from you."

Her mouth dropped open. "It was exactly the opposite of that," she said emphatically. "He renewed his suit and asked a second time, and I refused a second time as well. I have not seen him since that day."

Ryland found this amusing. "I suppose we can count on him to supply the version of the story that makes him look the best."

"A false version, you mean?"

"Exactly."

"So long as you believe me."

Ryland's eyes caressed her face. "I do."

This was growing more painful. She wanted nothing more than to jump in his arms again, which meant she needed to make the difficult choice and sever their connection now.

Aurelia dropped her hands and reached behind her for the doorknob, twisting it and opening the door to give herself room to step back.

Ryland's hands dropped slowly. She sensed his reluctance to let her leave, and it was both exciting and terrifying.

Nothing could happen between them. He was an earl who was still in love with his son's mother. She had seen the way he cherished his pocket watch—she wasn't blind. Aurelia did not fit in his life. She was a governess who'd fallen from grace. Her place was at Edmund's side and they both knew that. The darkness and the late hour were merely making those points hazy.

"You need sleep if you are to entertain your guests tomorrow," she said, doing her best to sound firm. She gripped the doorknob, her body now half-hiding behind it.

He took her hand and lifted it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. "Good night, Aurelia."

"Good night, my lord," she whispered back.

"None of that, please." His fingers tightened on her hand. "You've kissed me, Miss Beswick. You have the right to call me Andrew. Only—perhaps not in front of anyone else. Not until we've sorted out our future."

"You imply there will be a future."

"I certainly hope so." He watched her. "I do not make a habit of kissing women I have no intention of pursuing. We will figure this out."

They had returned to this, then. Now it felt more natural, less like a man searching for companionship and more like taking a step closer to one another.

"Good night, Andrew," she whispered, unable to give the name her full voice.

He drew in a quick breath and let it out in a strangled way, then stepped forward, cupping her cheeks in his hands, kissing her fully on the mouth. He tilted his head, kissing her deeply, making her knees weak. The doorknob dug into her palm, but she didn't move, just allowing Ryland and herself this moment.

He broke the kiss and took a step back into the corridor. "I will go now."

She smiled, her lips swollen and her heart racing. "Will you?"

Ryland chuckled. "I will." He backed away slowly, reaching for his candle before turning to leave again.

Aurelia stood in her doorway and watched his retreat until the light from his candle disappeared around the corner and down the stairs.

She closed the door and leaned against it, letting her eyes fall shut. Aurelia had never been kissed like that before, and she hoped it was the first of many to come.