CHAPTER 30

Levi and I have progressed beyond sex in the car and my office to the bedroom.

He lies comfortably on my bed now, his back against the headboard, gloriously naked. His dick lies flaccid and thoroughly spent against his thigh, his balls on full display. I'll fuck him again in a minute.

I stand at the window, watching the first light fall of snow. Soon it will be Thanksgiving and the restart of my unchecked fury with the world that Nicholas will never again experience the magic of winter. Winter is just magic, Hayden. I want to be buried under the snow when I die.

You were, Nicholas. You were.

"Hey, can I tell you something?" Levi says.

I put aside my thoughts of Nicholas with more ease than previous times.

"There's this guy I'm banging . . ."

A part of me understands this quirkiness of Levi's, but still, when the thought that he would be banging anyone other than me enters my mind, a fury greater than the one I have for Nicholas's absence from this world thrums through my body.

He grins when I give him a hard stare. "And I just realized I know nothing about him."

My face relaxes. I join him on the bed. "Are you sure about that?"

He taps the side of his head against my shoulder. "Of course. I mean, I'm not asking for secrets. I'm not good at keeping them anyway, so you don't have to share, like, deep things. Just some everyday things."

"I think you're wrong," I say. "I think you know a lot about me."

He laughs. Levi is truly magnificent to look at. "Okay. Let"s see. What's my favorite color?" I ask.

"Blue." His answer is automatic because he got it from an interview with Vogue from five years ago when they asked me that exact question.

"Correct. Okay, what is my favorite holiday destination?"

"Norway."

"Because . . .?"

"Because of the Northern Lights." My answer, given on a talk show several years ago.

He's too focused on getting the answers right to realize how easily I'm debunking his theory that he doesn't know anything about the guy he's banging.

"My favorite food?"

"Steak, medium rare. Grilled onion, gross. Potatoes. You love potatoes. You eat steak and potatoes at least twice a week. And I know this because Evaline told me so when she scolded me about wasting her grilled onions."

"What about my favorite book?" And as the words leave my mouth, my heart sinks to my stomach.

Levi turns his body to me, sliding down until his head is on the pillow. He repeats Nicholas's response to a reporter many moons ago. "That is a trick question because you don't have a favorite book. You read anything and everything, and you enjoy everything you read. You just don't get a lot of time to read."

Neither of us acknowledges the source of his answers, including this last one. "I know everything about you that everyone else on the planet knows about you," he says quietly. He urges me to lie down next to him. I do, our faces close together. He presses his lips softly to mine.

"That's all there is to know," I tell him.

"Is it really, Hayden?" Levi has dropped his playful mood. Now, he gazes at me with a curiosity so deep I fear I might split myself open and show him everything.

"Yes." My answer is encased in a voice more gruff than I intended.

"What makes you happy, Hayden?" Levi traces the bridge of my nose with his index finger.

You.

"Just . . . I don't know . . . I'm fortunate to have a good family. People who care about me."

"Oh. I get that. That's gratitude. I'm talking about your happiness. What makes you smile before you realize you're smiling?"

You. Nicholas. You.

"I don't know. I'm not unhappy." I don't want to participate in this conversation, so I turn it around. "What makes you happy, Levi?"

"You," he says. Not a sliver of hesitation.

"I'm not much," I say.

He rolls his eyes. "Yes, you are. You are definitely much. In fact, you're not just much. You're much more."

"You make me happy," I tell him softly.

He smiles. "One day, you'll have to tell me more about yourself. And you'll also have to tell me why I make you happy."

"Why don't you tell me something about you?" I say.

He grins. His hand moves to his balls, and he rubs himself lazily. "What do you want to know?"

"What are your favorite things?"

"Besides you?"

My stomach somersaults and the pleasure I feel in those words is untold. "Yeah."

"Well. Favorite things. Let's see." He laughs. "No. It's stupid. You'll laugh."

I reach out to trace the pad of my thumb over his nipple. "Nothing is stupid. Tell me."

"I still get hung up on like superhero shit. Childhood stories."

"Okay. Who"s your favorite superhero?"

"Batman. He's my all-time hero."

"Why?"

"He was misunderstood. He suffered so much, and no one knew. And yet, he still tried to find the good in this world."

"You feel that way?"

"Yeah. Like if I look hard enough, I can also find something good, even when everything is dark and awful."

"What about childhood stories?"

"I still love Peter Pan."

"Why?"

"When I was a kid, I'd get into trouble a lot. My parents would be called to school all the time because I was disruptive. When we'd get home, my parents would fight about what to do with me." He laughs, but it's a painful sound. "Well, actually. My mom would fight and tell my dad to take more responsibility for me and my dad would tell her to leave me alone. That it wasn't that bad." Levi stops. "This is stupid. I told you."

My fingers move to trace his tattoo on his right side. His phoenix rising. "It's not. Continue."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure, Levi." My eagerness to know these things about him is staggering.

"Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you when you fall asleep on me."

I laugh. "Continue, Levi."

"Okay. So, sometimes my mom would keep going until late into the night, fighting with my dad over me. I'd be in my room trying to sleep. And I'd fantasize about Peter Pan coming through the window and taking me away to Neverland. And there I could be just me, and whoever I am, it would be okay." He rolls his eyes. "Stupid, right?"

"You"ll find it. One day. Neverland – you'll find it. And then you can be you, whoever you are."

Levi gives me a soft smile. His hand is still on his cock, but his attention is now on our conversation. "Maybe you're my Neverland."

I stare at him, his declaration reverberating within my bones, mixing with my blood and lodging itself inside my heart. He doesn't seem to notice. If I am Levi's Neverland, then he is my place not found.

"You're so deep, Hayden. You know that?" he says.

Forcefully, I tuck his words away. "Hey, you're the one with tattoos that have meanings so deep people could write essays about them," I tease, trying to lighten the mood. My fingers slide across his abdomen to the wolves on his left side. "This one is hard to look at."

"Why?" he asks, cocking his head curiously.

"I'll never fully understand what it is to have Bipolar Disorder, I know, but it gives me a clue about what you must go through when you're manic and then when you're low."

"You understand more than anyone I know, Hayden." His voice has gone soft. He moves his hand from his cock to my face, cupping my cheek gently.

I kiss him softly. My fingers trail back over his abdomen, grazing his semi-hard dick, as I trace the outline of the tattoo on his right side. "But this is my favorite."

"Why?"

"Because despite all the ways your disorder harms you, you'll still always rise like the phoenix."

His eyes dampen. "You're the most incredible person I've ever met, Hayden."

I start to shake my head, but he captures my chin between his thumb and index finger, stilling me. "You are. And we'd better talk about something else before I start crying and that'll just ruin round two."

I nod because Levi makes me feel things that make me want to cry too.

Kissing me again, he whispers against my lips, "Tell me something, Hayden."

I'm no longer interested in any conversation. Levi's cock, hard now and curved against his stomach, leaks for me.

I reach for him. "Hm?"

"Have you ever bottomed for anyone?"

"Hmm. No."

He moans and twists his body until he's facing away from me. He shoves his ass into my groin and pulls my hand over his hip to his dick, his head turning back to pull me into a kiss. I get rid of my sweats and reach for the lube and a condom.

"I've never topped before," he moans into my mouth while I prepare his ass.

I eat his moans, and detectable words become impossible. Only Levi's incoherent sounds can be heard. I close my hand around his neck, and with my mouth on his, I ease into him. Levi backs up into me, helping me slide in and out of him. He's gorgeous.

We fuck slow and steady. The sound of my dick moving in and out thickens the air, and Levi begs me to fuck him hard.

I keep my movements steady, but I jack him off hard.

He comes in my fist, and I wonder how much longer it will be before his demands for more become impossible for me to ignore.