CHAPTER 29

I don't remember a time when my life has felt this good. This normal.

In August, Hayden and I go on our first official date to a restaurant called Per Se in Manhattan. It's totally Hayden's style and absolutely not mine. I struggle with the nine-course menu because it's just too much food, but dining privately in the West Room is great because I kiss Hayden through the entirety of dinner.

In September, we attend the game between the Diamondbacks and the Yankees. The Yankees lose 7-1, missing the play-offs, but neither Hayden nor I are bothered. There's too much good between us to dwell on such a disappointment.

Halloween comes and goes. David and Mary welcome a new baby boy into the world. His name is Jonah, and we'll all get to see him at Christmas. I'm ecstatic. I've never held a baby before. There's an endless supply of pictures and videos on the family group chat. The fact that I look through them often as well as my excitement over meeting little Jonah tells me that I'm really, really okay.

I paint and paint and paint. My meds are working. Laura and Dr. Emily were right. I just needed to give the meds a chance.

I tell everyone at the gallery, and I tell Hayden too.

Daniel gives me a ton of work at the back office, and I tell him I can even do his accounts again – something I haven't done in over a year because I just haven't been able to concentrate long enough. But now, it feels so easy to sit down and work a full day without getting jittery. The sense of accomplishment gives me dopamine hits like I've never experienced before.

I finish the painting of the river's edge. It's a small canvas, and Hayden keeps it on his desk in his office.

I help out with three gallery shows per week, talking to customers, recommending paintings and even offering to talk to Daniel about having commissioned works of certain artists. I don't have time to paint for the gallery and Hayden at the same time, so none of my works are shown at the gallery. All my work goes to Hayden. I don't mind. He's all the audience I need.

Hayden has begun hanging my paintings in his home. The peace lily painting, which I've titled Soft Strength, hangs in his office, along with A Place Not Found. He hasn't hung up the paintings of my face and his (Evaline told me they're in his closet) but that's okay. People are allowed their suffering in whatever ways they need it.

I don't know much about grief. I don't know what it's like to lose someone I love. So, the topic of Nicholas never comes up. I don't ask and he doesn't offer any details.

Also, the perpetual fear that one day I'll get so manic I'll spill his secrets keeps me from asking him any personal questions. Despite this, I'm curious as fuck and it's eating away at me. The more time I spend with Hayden, the more I want to know every tiny detail about him. There's only so much you can learn from the internet and what I've learned isn"t enough. I want to know things about Hayden that no one else knows.

I pick my head up from my number crunching to find that half the day has flown by without my noticing. Daniel pops his head in. "Hey, it's lunchtime. I got you something to eat."

I smile widely.

Daniel smiles back. "Another good day?"

"Yep."

"You sleeping okay?"

"Uh-huh. It's great."

"Happy for you, Levi." He walks inside and drops a chicken wrap and bottled water onto the table. Holding up his soda can, he adds, "Here's to a lot more good days."

I pick up the bottled water and tap it against Daniel's soda can.

Don't think I'm not searching every nook and cranny and every dark corner of my brain for my next manic or depressive episode. That's another full-time job I have, but I appreciate Daniel's optimism.

I eat my lunch. The satisfaction of eating and the feeling of fullness in my belly always takes me by surprise. Being able to enjoy food is a rare occurrence.

I pick up my phone to text Sasha. My lows usually keep me from checking up on my friends. It's shameful but what else can I say? Sasha's text goes undelivered. So, I text Terri.

Terri: Hey. We have got to catch up. Come to a meeting soon. Sasha is still not okay. You can't get through to her because she lost her phone. Or someone stole it at a bar. She's not sure. I'm worried about her. We're trying to get some money for her meds.

I promise to go to another meeting soon. My phone vibrates with an incoming call. It takes me two full minutes and three missed calls to make the decision to answer.

"Hey, Mom."

"Levi, honey. I'm in the area. I wanted to come and see you."

"Aw, man. I'm sorry, Mom – I'm not – I just got done with lunch, then I have a few other things to do for Daniel before I leave for the day."

"Oh. Are you sure, sweetheart?"

"Yeah. I'm getting Daniel caught up on some invoicing. It'll take me the rest of the afternoon."

"You sound really good, honey."

"Uh, thanks. My new meds are working really well."

"Hopefully, one day you'll be able to live your life without all those pills, Levi." She sounds hopeful and, for most people, maybe even endearing. The ignorance of the certifiably sane. I've told my mother repeatedly over the years that I can never not be on meds. She says it's crazy that a person should be on medication forever just so they can smile every now and then. It's like talking to myself when I'm manic.

"No, Mom. If they work well, I'll stay on them and then I'll just stay better," I say.

"Yes. Well. It's not good to pump your body with all kinds of medication without an end in sight, Levi. That's called addiction. And also, honey, I tell you this all the time. The mind is a powerful thing. You just need to make the conscious effort to always stay in the present moment, and you'll see that life isn't so bad."

Once again, I let my mother off the hook only because she had to watch me almost die from an overdose of pills twice in the last ten years. This horrible way she dismisses my incurable disorder is just her way of dealing with the thought of me dying.

"Yeah. Anyway, can we meet for lunch or dinner or something another time?"

"Of course. Have you seen the pictures of little Jonah?"

"Yeah. I texted David and Mary too."

"He's so gorgeous, right? He looks just like David. They're coming home for Christmas. Just be happy for them when you see them, okay?"

"What do you mean?" My scalp prickles.

"Well, Levi, you tend to be a bit of a downer sometimes. It'll be Christmas and we have a new baby in our family. We want to be able to celebrate, and you should be happy for your brother, that he's getting along so nicely in life."

My heart speeds up. I force my breath in and out of my body on slow counts. Inhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. "It's never my intention to ruin things for everyone, Mom. Even when I'm low, I'm always happy for David." I can't stop the bite at the end of that last sentence.

"Yeah, tell that to your face, Levi. You looked like you were at a funeral at David's wedding. You should see the wedding pictures. I'm sure all his friends noticed."

I need to end this conversation. I've been doing so well. I don't need a trigger as monumental as this one to send me right back to the fucking dungeons.

"I gotta go, Mom."

"Okay. I'll see you soon. I love you."

It's nasty of me not to say I love you back, but, right now, I really, really don't love her.