28. Ivy

28

IVY

This was not going to be an ordinary girls’ catch-up.

Summer, Lucy and Olive were all seated across from me at Beans ‘n Bliss. It was an odd and…deliberate choice. They had been trying almost too hard to get me to meet up.

LUCY

Who’s free for Beans ‘n Bliss tomorrow?

SUMMER

ME!

OLIVE

I am! Ivy, what about you?

I’m working but you all have fun!

SUMMER

Oh no! When are you next free?

LUCY

Yeah we’ll make it work!

I’m not sure

OLIVE

Check your calendar!

And so on and so forth until they had locked in a time with me. I almost drowned in exclamation points and sparkle heart emojis.

Summer pushed a hot chocolate towards me, prepared exactly the way I liked it with extra marshmallows. Their smiles were so broad I felt like I was facing a dentist commercial. If you minused the tremulous apprehension behind all their eyes.

“Olive, what are you planning to get Lars for his birthday coming up?” Lucy nudged her lightly.

That wasn’t suspicious. Lars was Lucy’s brother.

“Gosh, I’m not sure. It’s my first time celebrating my alpha’s birthday.”

Summer scoffed. “Oh please. You could wake up the day of, slap a bow on your chest and call it a day.”

They tittered and it felt scripted. Every line polished until it gleamed.

I was the only one left without pages.

“Ivy.”

Here it was. Whatever bombshell they wanted to drop on me. Tied with as neat a bow as they could possibly manage.

“How are you and your pack doing?” The emphasis on ‘your’ was so heavy I was surprised Summer didn’t injure her back.

“Fine,” I answered shortly.

But my mouth went dry as I thought about the real answer. How long had it been since I last saw them? Rome just yesterday at school, obviously. Logan a couple of days before that. He’d brought me coffee. James…I was blanking on.

No, wait. I’d seen him earlier in the week. I actually remembered to reply to a text between grading tests and stressing about upcoming mandated assessments. He came by with takeout and I was too brain dead to hold a conversation.

I’d just been so busy since the grant announcement a couple of weeks ago. That first-week stress only snowballed. I didn’t know how to keep up with their texts. I didn’t know what to do when they tried to make plans with me. Eventually I stopped responding because I could only explain so many times that I didn’t have time. Most days I was too tired to do anything when I got home except eat something quick and pass out in my nest.

It barely smells like them anymore.

I wedged the betraying thought deep down, tucking it away where the light wouldn’t reach.

Lucy leaned forward, hugging her mug so tightly her knuckles whitened. “That’s wonderful to hear, Ivy.”

Her smile was tight. Lie.

“When was the last time you saw them?”

“What is this?” I said accusingly.

Their gazes swung between each other. Panic and recalibration.

Summer tried this time. “We’re concerned, that’s all. Things seem different compared to when you were on winter break,” she finished tactfully.

Well, of course it was. I wasn’t in some la la land with no responsibilities anymore, was I?

Olive’s turn. Passing the baton between them like relay runners. “I don’t mean to speak for all omegas, obviously,” she began hastily, already sounding apologetic. “But when my alphas started courting me, well” — Pink dappled across her cheeks — “I couldn’t spend enough time with them.”

I rubbed my temples. “Not everyone has the luxury of their pack literally setting up their workplace in their h?—”

“Just the ladies I wanted to see!”

Summer smacked her forehead loudly, not even attempting to hide her frustration over the mayor’s inconvenient appearance. “Bit busy, Stanley!”

Ever oblivious, he waved her concern away like a gnat. “Oh, this will only take a minute,” he said, waggling his beloved clipboard. “Valentine’s Day Festival is coming up!”

“It’s a month away, Stanley,” Lucy retorted.

“Good heavens, I wish! Twenty-five days to be exact, Miss Lucy.” Stanley pointed his pen at her, the way all grown women liked to be spoken to. “Planning takes time, people, and we have got to be on it! Vendors to hire. Booths to map out. Decorations to source. It’s pandemonium if we don’t do it right!”

We stared blankly at him, our attention spans frittering away with each passing second.

Stanley heaved a huge sigh, clearly unimpressed we hadn’t been whipped into an inspired frenzy by his speech. “I need you to tell me what booths you will be manning,” he said, all business.

“Why do we have to man booths?” Summer countered. “Does the term man not disqualify all of us immediately?”

“Summer, I cannot have this argument with you every time.”

“I’ll do the Love Letter station,” I said shortly. I did it every year so I don’t know why he bothered to ask. Cute stationery, deploying my wax seal and suggesting words that rhymed with ‘heart’. It really wasn’t that complicated.

“Fantastic.” The scribble of his pen was irritatingly loud. “And can I count on you and your pack to do a shift in the Cupid’s Counsel tent this year? Olive, you too? The people do love to chat with packs.”

An icy knot of dread twisted in my chest. The Cupid’s Counsel tent was silly but also something I’d secretly wished I could participate in for years. Happy packs and couples set up on ornate (hired) velvet chairs and dispensed love and relationship advice to anyone who needed it.

The timing felt like a cruel prank from the universe.

“I’ll put you down for…12:00,” Stanley prattled on. “And Olive, you and your alphas can go right after at 12:30.” He peered at the other two girls. “Lucy. Summer. I hope you will do your neighborly duty and step up for our great town.” He gestured at Lucy. “Corsage making?” Then at Summer. “Themed baked goods?”

His proposition was met with a cold silence.

“I’ll come back later,” he grumbled. “When you ladies are more amenable , perhaps.”

Summer called after his retreating back. “Goodbye forever then, Stanley!”

I sipped slowly at my drink, not wanting to return to our previous conversation. The melted marshmallow I normally loved was sickly sweet on my tongue.

“It’s ok to say no sometimes, Ivy,” Lucy said quietly.

My defenses immediately went up. Prickles deployed like a cornered animal.

“What do you mean?” I’d never in my life snapped at my friends before, yet it rose out of me, wolf-like.

Summer flinched but her jaw remained set. “You don’t have to do the booth if you don’t want to.”

“Well someone has to. It really doesn’t cost very much.”

“I don’t know if that’s true, Ivy.” Olive wouldn’t look at me, her voice barely audible.

They weren’t talking about the booths anymore.

They were talking about?—

Shard-like pain invaded as my mind stumbled on a truth I was not willing to hear.

I stood up sharply, the screech of my chair unbearably loud.

“It was good to see you all,” I said woodenly. “But I have to go.”

“Ivy, come on. We’re only looking out for?—”

“See you,” I cut Summer off abruptly, turning so I didn’t have to look at their disappointed faces anymore. “I’ve got a lot to get done before dinner at my parents’ tonight.”

I tried to work when I got home. Then I blamed my friends when I couldn’t focus. By the time I had to leave again, my mood was muddy black misery sticking to everything. I drove to my parents’ house and slammed the car door hard enough a rustle of birds flew away in a panic overhead.

Mom and Dad exchanged a glance and steered clear of me when I stormed in. Even Teddy slunk away, choosing to watch me warily from the safety of his dog bed.

“Ives, frowning like that will give you wrinkles.”

Caitlin thought it would be a good idea to pinch me between my brows. After she had squashed herself into the single-person armchair I was already ensconced in.

But Caitlin’s ability to read the room had never properly manifested.

“Good,” I said curtly, making sure to scowl even harder.

“Hey.”

My pupils listed sideways, giving her the barest minimum of attention.

“I remembered wine tonight,” Caitlin sang, producing a bottle and waving it in front of my face.

I rolled my eyes. Of course Caitlin wanted a parade for doing the absolute minimum.

“Jeez Ivy. I don’t know whether to offer you the whole bottle or keep you away from it.”

“Do whatever you want,” I muttered. I elbowed her until she finally got the hint and slid out of the chair. I resettled back into the cushion, making sure there was no space for her to ever think about trying that again.

Caitlin was unbothered, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she sat down on the couch. “Sean came into the restaurant for dinner and asked me about you. He pretended he was making small talk but I knew .” She tapped her temple shrewdly. “He was trying to find out how your courtship was going.”

“What?”

“Yeah. All backhanded like, wondering if you’d gone back to your old ways now that school has started.”

My ears filled with a roar of noise, blinding white crowding the edges of my vision.

“Why would you tell me this?” I ripped the accusation clean out of my throat.

“I dunno.” She shrugged. How could she be so incredibly dense? “I thought you’d want to know that your ex was talking shit about you. I defended you, by the way. Told him you were officially Pack Winter and delirious with happiness. You’re welcome. ”

She thought this knowledge was a gift ?

Suddenly, I had worse than no appetite. I wanted to retch the few measly bites I had managed to consume that day. I could only stomach three bites of Dad’s roast chicken and a single buttery carrot before I was done.

I offered to wash up by myself for the perverse pleasure of scrubbing violently on the stained pans.

Mom slid an empty salad bowl my way and I took it from her wordlessly. She gave me a cautious look before finally deciding to place a tentative hand on my back.

“Relationships are hard work, Ivy,” Mom said quietly. “Three at once must be especially so.”

I worked the scourer sponge even harder against a stubborn discolored spot.

“Whatever it is…never forget that you’re on the same team. It’s not me versus you , but us against the problem.”

I squeezed my fist and felt the drip of escaping water running over the dish glove.

That doesn’t work when I’m the problem.

“Mom, I love you. But please stop.”

I hated the way her mouth pressed into a thin line. The sympathetic rub I wanted to shake off.

I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve it.

My behavior hit me like a tidal wave as Mom and Dad saw me to the front door. Choking and spluttering on what a colossal bitch I’d been. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean?—”

Dad hugged me. There were very few things in my life as unconditionally loving as one of his hugs. It had felt that way ever since I was little.

There was a tupperware of leftovers in my hands when we parted. “In case you get hungry later.”

He was smiling despite everything. Was there no bottom to this hole I was falling down?

“Sorry I, um,” Caitlin trailed off, staring at the floor. “I won’t mention Sean again. I always thought you were way too good for him. I realize I’ve been going the wrong way about reminding you of that.”

God, I was such a mess that even Caitlin felt sorry for me.

Numbness overtook me as I drove home. I saw a familiar figure sitting on my front step and the pressure crushing my ribs became unbearable. Tears rushed up immediately, hot and stinging. I dabbed my fingertip hurriedly on my inner corners, trying to get my breathing under control. Inhale. Exhale. It came out stuttered and weak.

I can’t do this now. Not after today.

But James was waiting for me and I had to face him.

The closer I got to him the worse I felt. He looked like he’d come straight from work, his lanyard still around his neck. Weariness etched lines framing his eyes and folded his posture inward. His faint scent was dull, devoid of its usual sweetness and warmth.

“You shouldn’t have waited for me, James.”

He stood slowly, pushing his hands deeper into his coat pockets. “You seem to have a very clear idea of what we can and cannot do,” he sighed.

The defeat in his voice made me recoil.

“But I have to be honest with you, Ivy. This distance…you’re hurting us.”

Us. All of them.

I was a poison. Decay. Eating them alive.

“I’m always on your side and I’ve done my best to give you time.” His voice faded, mired with regret.

He’d held back the alphas, I realized. Held them back from saying things, doing things that might push me too far. Overwhelm me. Scar the tenuous links between us irreparably.

It was pointless. I’d already done that all on my own.

“But I’m starting to wonder if that was the wrong thing to do.”

He was questioning himself but he shouldn’t have. I realized there was nothing they could’ve done differently. All roads led here. My guilt grew claws, sinking deep.

It was difficult to look at him. There was no trace of his flirtatiousness. None. He was all hard angles, granite in his jaw and immovable obsidian black eyes.

I did this to him. Turned him into a version of James I didn’t recognize.

Push him away.

You’ve dragged them down enough.

“I warned you,” I said, my voice low and dangerous.

James looked both surprised and heartbroken. “What?”

“I warned you that I didn’t know how to do this,” I repeated, sharper this time. Slicing away at him so the blood would drain faster. “Don’t act surprised all of a sudden.”

The way he crumpled absolutely shattered me. I stared at the ground, knowing I would fall apart if I looked him in the eye.

You’re a coward.

I didn’t move the entire time his footsteps faded away. A car door opening and closing. Finally the rumble of an engine driving off.

A soft rustle came from the bushes nearby. Two yellow orbs glimmered in the shadows. A round feline face emerged, silent paws taking tentative steps towards me.

I shook my head. “Not tonight, Felix.”

I’d never turned down Felix before.

But tonight, I shut the door on him and everyone else who had ever cared.