13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

Noelle

The wind and snow churning outside is a canvas of swirling activity. This perfectly matches my emotions.

Am I okay? How do I answer that question when everything inside of me is being shaken up and stirred? The last time I felt this way, Gran had just passed away, and I let myself lean on a man who I completely misjudged.

Tears stream down my face as I watch Gran's chest fall for the last time. A hand lays on my shoulder and squeezes.

"I'll leave you alone. Stay as long as you need," Dean says, the kind nurse who's been in and out checking Gran's vitals the entire day.

"Can you stay with me for a few minutes? I don't want to be alone." I grab his hand and pull it toward me.

"Of course." His eyes radiate a kindness that wraps around my heart and squeezes.

I'm alone. And the only family I could always depend upon is gone.

My shoulders shake, and I hold my head with my hands.

Suddenly, a wave of deep longing washes over me, and I wish Cole were standing by my side. My heart aches at the emptiness that's swallowing me whole because of the choices I've made.

I cling to the hand on my shoulder even tighter as the finality of what I did to Cole overwhelms me.

What was I thinking? Why would I push away the only man I've ever loved? And now, with him injured I can't burden him with this. He's going through enough.

Would he even want to hear from me? What have I done?

And there it is. The reason I pushed him away. I never wanted him to feel like I was a burden. The life we planned together didn't include the darkness that my life had become when I moved back to Utah.

When I was with Cole , everything was effortless. He was like a lighthouse , showing me the path when darkness consumed me. Once I was away from him , the darkness that was kept at bay took over.

Isolating myself from him was the worst thing I could've ever done, yet keeping him safe from me without being weighed down so he could live out his dream was all I ever wanted.

"Ladybug?" Cole's gruff voice rolls over me, and I feel the storm in my body calm.

He's always had this effect on me.

Whenever I thought something couldn't be fixed, Cole showed me the solution was simple. He was the answer to any question I had, the one person who made me always feel protected, and I pushed him away.

Then, when he needed me most, I was nowhere to be found. It's not that I didn't want to be there for him, but I was afraid he would push me away.

How can I ever forgive myself? How can he ever forgive me?

My shoulders slump, and a heaviness pulls me down.

He was right when he told me to move on at Mel and Mike's wedding. It was what I deserved.

"Noelle?" A big warm hand rests on my shoulder, and heat runs down my entire body. My head tilts toward his touch, and I take a deep breath, feeling the commotion in my mind settle.

I lift my hand and place it over his. I've missed him so much.

"I will be. It's just been a rough few years. Losing Gran…" and you , is on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow it back down. "And then getting divorced. It's been…"

I gently squeeze his hand before moving away from the front door.

My cheeks burn, and my throat grows thick. Shame filling every inch of me. I don't deserve the man standing in front of me, and he definitely doesn't deserve to have to deal with the brokenness that is me.

I clear my throat. "Thank you," I murmur, unable to look him in the eye.

"Bug," Cole's voice is a softhearted whisper. "Look at me."

I do as he asks and am almost knocked over by the tenderness radiating in his eyes. My breath catches, and another chunk of ice around my heart cracks.

"I know that you've been struggling, and I'm sorry for any part I played in—"

I shake my head back and forth in an attempt to stop him. This isn't his fault. But he pushes aside my protest.

"Please listen to me." He takes a few steps forward and lifts his arm but stops himself from coming too close and touching me. Like he's afraid I'll run.

My heart aches at how well he knows me even after all this time.

"We've had a lot happen since the last time we saw each other, but I'd like to leave the past in the past." His eyes are pleading with me, and my soul wants to say yes to whatever it is he's asking. "Can we do that?"

My heart slams against my ribcage while fear paralyzes me. Is it fear of letting him in or fear of losing him again?

Both.

I'm not the same person he fell in love with. What if this version of me disappoints him?

That's definitely possible. But will I be able to live with the alternative if I completely shut this down?

The answer is no, I can't live with that.

I take a deep breath and nod. "Okay," I whisper.

A small smile crosses his face, his gaze softens, and I can see his chest quickly rise and fall. "Okay?"

I shake my head up and down, a tentative smile pulling up the corners of my lip. "Okay."

"Thank you," he whispers.

"No Cole. Thank you."

Tears burn the back of my eyes, and I swallow past a lump in my throat. I can feel the last bit of ice around my heart melting. My resolve to keep my distance is gone.

I may not deserve this man—no I definitely don't deserve him—but I'm pretty sure letting him go again would be the second biggest mistake I've ever made.

Well third, if I count marrying Dean.

The lesson here: always listen to your best friend.

The wind sounds like it's screaming as the storm outside rages. Inside, Cole and I are in our own little world. It's warm and cozy, with the heat from the fire and Christmas music playing softly in the background.

Since our earlier conversation, we've fallen into an easy routine that's focused on decorating the tree.

The popcorn garland is first and apparently the most complicated item on the list.

"Stop eating the popcorn, or we won't have enough!" I slap Cole's hand as it's about to dip into the bowl.

"Did you see how many boxes of popcorn Mel made me buy?" He asks, eyebrows so far up his hairline that I can't help but giggle.

"I saw one box on the counter." I scoff.

"Yeah, well, there's three more in the cabinet," he laughs. "We have enough popcorn for at least five Christmas trees. Maybe more."

The mischievous glint in his sparkling green eyes holds me captive just as he stuffs an entire handful of popcorn into his mouth. His cheeks look like a chipmunk's.

I shake my head and chuckle at him. I am letting my guard down another notch. We've fallen back into the comfortableness that has always been between us. My brain is on high alert, but every other part of me enjoys the ease.

I grab another piece of popped corn and thread it with the needle .

I look at the foot or so of garland we've threaded so far and realize we are probably going to be here forever.

Cole nudges my shoulder. "Do you have somewhere else you need to be today?"

Warmth floods me from where his body touched mine, and I feel heat creeping up my face.

"Well? Do you?" He teases.

My lips curl up, and it hits me. Hot chocolate. This moment is definitely missing hot chocolate.

A wide smile crosses my face. "Did Mel have you buy hot chocolate?"

"Uh, no. That wasn't on her list." He narrows his eyes at me, confusion filling them. "She said you would be bringing it?"

"Oh wait!" I facepalm and hop off of the couch, running to my room. When I come out, Cole is standing at the opposite end of the hallway with knitted brows and tight lips, but they immediately change to a slanted grin when he sees me holding up a bag of marshmallows and Hershey's hot chocolate.

"I forgot I had these." A wide smile stretches across my face.

Cole crosses his arms across his chest and leans against the wall, watching me. His smile reaches his bright green eyes, making my stomach flutter as heat moves through my body.

Feeling emboldened, I glance over my shoulder and wink at him as I turn into the kitchen.

His laughter rings out behind me.

I stop and turn toward him with my head tipped downward. "Are you going to help or what?"

His smile widens as he approaches the door, hand on the frame. His eyes roam over my face, and my breath hitches. His gaze meets mine, turning me into a sloppy puddle.

Cole quietly walks into the kitchen and gently brushes past me, leaving his woodsy scent trailing across me. He opens the cabinet and pulls out two mugs shaped like Christmas trees.

I smile at the sight of them as I fill a teapot with water. I move to the stove, turn the burner to medium-high, and then place the teapot on the flame. When I turn around, Cole is sitting at the table with a crooked grin on his face.

"Did your co-worker's wife have their baby?"

"Yes! Brian and his wife are the proud new parents of a beautiful baby boy! "

"That's wonderful! Congratulations to them." I notice a glint in Cole's eyes. "What's so funny?"

"Mike sent me a picture of the new family, and poor Brian looks happy but terrified."

"Well, starting a family is a life-changing event." I lift a shoulder. I can't help but notice a flicker of emotion cross his expression. It was so fast that I probably would've missed it if I didn't know him so well.

"Cole?" I suddenly feel compelled to ask him about his injury.

"Yes?" His grin widens.

I lean against the counter, look down at my feet, and wring my hands. My stomach flips. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, Ladybug." My eyes whip to his, and their openness nearly floors me.

"Anything?" My voice spikes as I question whether or not to actually open this can of worms.

He leans back in his chair, resting his arms against the sides, and nods. His body language conveys an openness to talk about whatever I will throw his way.

I swallow past the lump in my throat. "Will you tell me what happened with your career?"