Chapter Fifteen

“Do you fancy a nightcap?”

The ship had been turned around and was heading for their new destination. Messages were being sent to the World Council seeking approval for an invasion of foreign lands for politically expedient purposes as he spoke. But Avalon was focused on escorting Jasper to his suite. Dinner, and Jasper’s revelations had his head swimming with multiple plans and schemes, most of which Duncan had already worked out, and Merlin had written down.

But through it all, as the four men planned to go after Jasper’s captors, Avalon’s overriding thought was that Jasper seemed to distance himself from the conversation – talking and sharing information definitely, but with regards to the details of the capture and his time in captivity, Jasper talked as if it was something that happened to someone else. When Avalon knew that wasn’t the case.

All through dinner Jasper showed no emotion. He spoke factually and economically, wasting no words when responding to questions asked, but Avalon wondered if he was the only one who noticed, or even remembered that it had been Jasper who’d been through what Avalon imagined must’ve been a horrific ordeal.

“My magic informs me you are more in need of conversation than more beverages,” Jasper said softly, as he headed over to the couch he’d sat on the night before.

“I asked the cook to make us some hot chocolate. He uses real cream in his recipes, which I thought you might enjoy.” After locking his suite door, Avalon went to the small side table where a carafe and two mugs were ready for him. Quickly pouring himself half a mug, he arranged a fuller one for Jasper and joined his husband on the couch.

“I do want to talk, yes,” Avalon agreed, handing over the mug. “But first, I want to hear your opinion on this chocolate. I have this blended specially for me from a master chocolatier who runs a small shop just outside of Cijan.”

“I think I can only remember my mother giving me chocolate once in my life.” Jasper cradled his mug, bringing it close to his face and inhaling. “After the man from the Magic University came to test me, she came into my room later that night, letting me know she had told my brother to stop his foolishness, and that she was proud of me. The cup was smaller than this one.” Jasper held up his mug with a small smile. “But it was such a rare treat, I’ve never forgotten it.”

Avalon wasn’t going to forget it either, especially with the look of sheer bliss that crossed Jasper’s face as he took a small sip.

“I could easily get addicted to your cook’s recipe,” Jasper said with a sigh. “The only thing slightly tarnishing the moment, is that my magic is letting me know you’re concerned, and I’m not sure why. I thought you intended on chasing my captors before we’d even gotten married.”

His husband’s magic wasn’t wrong. Settling back in his seat, Avalon took a sip of his own drink before saying, “I think my intentions and attitude before our marriage would likely fit into the Crown Prince arrogance category.”

Jasper flicked him a quick look. “I think I’m familiar with the concept, but perhaps it means different things between Lowenthorp and Cijan. You’re surely not referring to behavior I associate with the aforementioned brother of mine, are you?”

“Possibly a little bit.” Avalon held up his hand, indicating a small space between his thumb and forefinger. “Remember, I had never seen or met you prior to the ceremony. I had only the bare bones of your trauma to form my opinion, and you now know why I signed our marriage contract.

“It was my father who suggested I take troops as a wedding present, as both he and I were concerned you hadn’t named those who held you for so long. Would you think less of me, if I admitted to imagining that you’d take solace in the comfort my rank and name offered you, and would gladly give up those who hurt you? If that might have been my thinking prior to my arrival at Lowenthorp, of course.”

There was a suggestion of a smirk that played around Jasper’s lips as he took another sip of his chocolate. When he’d swallowed it, an action Avalon watched perhaps more keenly than was considered polite. Jasper was dressed warmly, as the evenings got cool on the ship, but his coat fitted his slender form perfectly, and his dark pants, which were quite flared when Jasper was standing up, molded to his legs when he was sitting down. Focus. Focus. We need to talk.

“I’m worried about you, that you might be distancing yourself from what might need to be done. I understand the level of detail you gave about the men that took you, but…” Putting down his mug, Avalon reached for one of Jasper’s hands. “I guess I really want to know how you are truly feeling about all this?” Are you all right?

“I should ask the same thing of you.” Jasper was staring at his cup, but Avalon was getting used to that. His husband seemed to need to fixate on something inanimate when thinking. “Your men… should we engage in any conversation with these people… they’re going to see me as a victim, which would weaken mine, and therefore your position in their eyes.”

“It is the men who took you who are at fault in every way,” Avalon said forcefully. “You are not the one to blame for this, and by going after them, can’t you see how that strengthens your position, and therefore, mine?”

“There’s a part of me that can’t believe…” Jasper shook his head. “Do you want to know the real reason we’re doing this? Why I sought out Duncan, made my peace with him, and then laid my biggest shame out for scrutiny for you and your friends?”

“You believed I could help keep your mother safe?” Avalon wasn’t strictly sure why Jasper had changed his mind, especially about Duncan. “Can I just say, what you did, talking to Duncan… I don’t know what you said to him, but that took amazing courage not usually found among royalty or social family members.”

“You rely on your friends.” There was that sideways glance again. “I would not be the reason to come between you. I’m not like that.”

“And yet anyone else would be, and no one would blame you for taking offence and refusing to talk to Duncan or Merlin ever again. Any other spouse would be well within their rights to insist I banish my friends and refuse to entertain any apology. Instead, you went seeking him out.”

“An apology never wipes the actions done. When it’s all said and done, an apology is just words,” Jasper said. “I didn’t talk to Duncan about that. I believe the apology he offered was more because of his loyalty to you and I can respect and applaud that.” He grinned, a genuine one that lit up his face. “In fact, I’m sure the only reason he offered a formal apology at all was because he vowed to Merlin, he would not leave the cage until he had.”

“Merlin told me about that.” Avalon chuckled. “Duncan is a man of extremes at times, but I will never forget there was a time when he literally saved my life, back in the days when I learned a prince didn’t come with an innate ability to swim simply because he was the heir to a country.”

“Then I feel comfortable that I did the right thing.” Jasper nodded, and then took in more of his chocolate, holding the cup with one hand as Avalon still had hold of the other. “That is a rare feeling for me, feeling comfortable or confident.”

“I need to know…” Avalon bit off the words he was going to say. “During that time, when you weren’t at home,” Gods, could I be any more ineffective? “Was there anything that happened that hasn’t been mentioned… anything…? I just want to be prepared in case anything triggers something distressing for you as we go through this.”

“You want to know if I’ve been despoiled as one might be when someone was showing off their ultimate power over another person under their control, and seeks to humiliate them with the actions.” Jasper’s whole body stiffened as he fixed his eye on a point on the wall that looked indistinguishable from any other in Avalon’s eyes. Admittedly the lamps threw soft shadows on the cream wooden walls, but nothing that warranted the amount of attention Jasper was giving it.

“I find myself at an impasse.” Jasper’s voice had lowered until Avalon had to strain to hear. “On the one hand, you’ve said yourself when we first talked, that you imagined we would only be friends, in which case, any information I might share with you would be related on that basis – one friend to another. No need for specific details because friends would never discuss a topic like that. Yet subsequent behaviors and words spoken between us suggest there is potential for more…”

“Definitely more,” Avalon said quickly as Jasper seemed to struggle to finish his thought. “Jasper, as much as you may not be ready to hear this, I find myself more infatuated with you with every passing minute. I confess, no one is more surprised than I about this development, but it is one that makes me incredibly happy, despite the seriousness of the plans we were making this evening.

“I would never dream to presume upon your person, and I remain committed to being guided by you on any matters of possible intimacy going forward. But don’t you see? That’s why I need to know. I would be horrified if any action on my behalf might upset you or remind you of things...” It was his turn to lose his words.

Jasper took the last mouthful of chocolate and very deliberately put the cup down before he said, “I am not familiar with how intimacy is conducted between two adults that share feelings,” he said, and Avalon noticed that darned lack of emotion in his husband’s tone again. “You are welcome to call me na?ve, but I had always considered anything done by those two adults who cared about each other wouldn’t involve ropes, fire, pain, the shedding of blood, or the use of inanimate objects, and force. In fact, I would go so far to suggest, in my naivety, that any thoughts I might have had of an intimate nature never involved the idea of a partner debasing or humiliating another in the most shocking of ways. Was I wrong?”

“No. By the Goddess of Magic and Steam, no, you’re not wrong.” Avalon was sickened by the very suggestion of what Jasper might have gone through.

“Then what difference does it make to know the specifics? If the actions are so different they might not even be on the same plane of existence, then what good does it do for you to hear details that would likely change the way you look at me. I was powerless and that is a time I prefer to forget. So, you tell me, what difference is the loss of my eye to the wrecking of my most intimate places? I am as physically healed as I can be. That is all you need to know.”

“I’m so sorry.” Avalon realized that for the first time since they’d met, Jasper was genuinely angry, and for good reason. “It wouldn’t make any difference to my feelings for you. Nothing you would ever say would negatively impact my affection for you. I promise you that. You have my word. I guess… I don’t know exactly. But I felt, that if you shared your pain with me, then somehow it would lessen for you somehow, and that is all I would want to do.”

“Oh, Avalon. Those events are past.” Jasper turned to face him, raising his eyepatch with his free hand, and removing it, dropping it on the chair arm beside him. “This is all that physically remains. Tell me, what do you see?”

“The same as before,” Avalon let out a long breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Which means your magic still likes me. You have the look of a seer to me. I don’t expect that to change.”

Jasper sighed. “If the lack of details burns in you, then when the danger is fully past – when those responsible are dead or behind bars – then, if you must hear, I will tell you then. But not before. I will not have you facing a certain fight tormented or distracted in any way. Does that make sense to you?”

“You are going after these people to protect me?” Suddenly Jasper’s change of heart made sense. “But I’m trying to protect you!”

“Then we’re well suited.” Jasper rested his head against Avalon’s shoulder. “We’re well suited.”