Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

B eth awoke with a headache. Moonlight poured through the window and she wondered why the maid had not come to dress her for dinner. Then she remembered the locked door.

It was no matter. She’d been in no state to join the others.

The memory of her father’s declaration and her sister’s happy expression plagued her. How could they both be so delighted with the change?

Probably because they would be the ones moving forward, living their lives. The thought of Julianna getting married and having a family nearly melted her into another puddle of tears.

By nature she was not a jealous person, but she’d wanted a husband and family for so long that it seemed unfair that her younger sister should gain that privilege first. If only Edward had not deserted her.

No, she’d let him go long ago.

Who was she fooling? She’d only completely let him go when Lord Carswell Bingham had pushed him out and over a cliff.

She was not sure when or how Carswell had burrowed his way in, but somehow his tenderness had won her over. Her heart still warmed when she thought of how he had rescued her, not once but twice from Mrs. Barker’s harsh presence. He’d listened when she needed a friend and never judged her for her fears, offering comforting reassurances instead. And his kisses… her lips still tingled whenever she thought about it. Edward had given her a few quick pecks, but they were nothing compared to the deep, soul-moving kiss she’d shared with Carswell the night of the ball. Even his sweet caresses had made her battered heart take flight and hope to love again.

But Carswell did not believe in love.

Had he felt nothing, no stirring within that hoped to make her as happy as she wished to make him? She pulled her blanket up to her nose.

She could never imagine a marriage devoid of love. Not that he had spoken to her of such things. It was only the wishful imaginings of her fanciful heart.

Why did she have to be so easily won over? Could she not have withstood his sweet words and kind gestures for at least another fortnight? Then she could have returned home and been happy for her father and eventually for herself. The Widow Westwood was not a bad woman and life with her new brothers might have been quite fulfilling, but not with this aching hole that had opened up in her heart.

Sitting up, she pushed back her covers along with her self-pity. There was no use thinking on things she could not change. Her stomach grumbled but she ignored it, instead venturing to the pitcher near the washbasin for a drink. The cool water slid down her parched throat, easing some of her discomfort.

Just like the water had washed away the dryness, she would dispel her tender feelings for Carswell. All she needed was some time and distance… and perhaps a tinsmith to fix the gaping hole in the armor that he’d crept through.

A sad smile accompanied the thought. She could do this. She’d return home with her father and be the best aunt ever to her sister’s future children.

Convictions firmly in place, she crawled back into bed to wait out the long night. With any luck her father would be ready to leave first thing in the morning.

There had been a plentiful amount of luck, and all of it bad. Beth’s head hurt terribly from a bad night's sleep and lack of food. The cook had to send someone for more headache powders because they were out. And her father and uncle were locked away in the study arguing over marriage contracts.

Odd that her father would give her uncle any say in Julianna’s settlement.

Moving away from the door, Beth decided it best she wait until they finished before she inquired when they would depart. She had already given the maid instructions to pack her trunk in order to be ready the moment her father gave the word, but what could she occupy her time with until then?

The pain in her head was too great to withstand the noise of the piano, and her mind too sluggish for conversation. She supposed the only thing left was to find a book and a quiet corner. However, at the library door she was again met with voices.

“Do you mean it, Julianna?” Mr. Kaye’s voice was breathy and intense. “You are not simply trying to pacify me until you find someone better and break things off?”

Break things off? Why would Julianna wish to do such a thing?

“I am in earnest. Even though our courtship started on a whim, my feelings for you cannot be denied. I want our engagement to be real, I want to be your wife, Daniel.”

A sham courtship! Beth pushed hard against the door, banging it open in the process.

Mr. Kaye had an arm about Julianna’s waist, his other clasping her hand to his chest. They both stared wide eyed at Beth. A flicker of fear crossed Julianna’s face, but she did not pull away from Mr. Kaye.

He, on the other hand, slowly let go. Taking a step back, he turned to face Beth but kept Julianna’s hand in his.

“Miss Haynes, are you feeling better?”

“Do not ply your false charms on me, Mr. Kaye. How dare you convince my sister to enter into a false engagement!”

“Beth, it’s not what you think.”

“Is it not? I heard it from your own mouth.”

“Yes, but he was trying to save me.”

A sardonic laugh escaped Beth’s lips. “You are so na?ve, Julianna. Men like him will say whatever suits them in order to lure you into a seduction.”

Julianna’s blue eyes widened and her jaw dropped, but it was Mr. Kaye’s slanted eyebrows and pinched lips that caught Beth’s attention. Tears filled Julianna’s eyes and he pulled her close to his side. His gaze bored into Beth as if he wanted to call her out for the words she’d wielded like a sword, slicing at her sister’s tender heart.

Hot and sticky shame filled her chest. When had she become so cruel and pessimistic?

“What is happening here?” A deep male voice asked from behind.

Beth’s eyes slammed closed. Why had she not simply gone to her room? The last person she’d wanted to see this morning was Carswell.

Slowly, she turned to face him. He avoided her gaze and focused firmly on his friend.

“I suppose,” Mr. Kaye said, “since Miss Haynes already knows, I should probably inform you that Miss Julianna accepted my hand under duress. It was a split second decision on my part to claim an engagement to her when it appeared as if she might be forced into a marriage with Mr. Caleb Waverly.”

“Yes, I know.”

It was Beth’s turn to appear astonished. “You did?”

“You were not the only one close enough to the library to hear them. If you would have lifted your head, you would have seen my approach from the other end of the corridor.”

The hot, sticky feeling congealed into a lump and sunk into her stomach. That meant he’d heard her accuse his friend of ill intentions.

She ducked her head. “You could have announced your presence.”

He glanced at her. “It is neither here nor there.” Turning back to Mr. Kaye, he said, “Am I to understand that you have decided to make an honest match of it?”

Julianna sniffled. “We have.”

“Good, because your father and uncle are already discussing marriage contracts and I would hate their argument to be for nothing.”

Beth could not see Julianna’s face, but she hoped Carswell’s flippant comment brought back the cheer that she had stolen.

“Might I speak to you privately, Miss Haynes?” he asked, his hand reaching out to straighten several books on the shelf next to him.

“Me?” Beth took a step back, surprised at his direct request.

“I believe you are the only Miss Haynes here, save for Miss Julianna.”

Was he attempting to be humorous or was it condescending? Either way, she had no intention of being caught alone with him.

“I—”

“It will only take a moment.”

Her father’s booming voice echoed down the hall. A quieter female voice responded and she could only assume it was her aunt’s.

“Please, Beth,” Carswell begged.

Though his hands were balled, his arms hung straight at his sides. He did not move, but his grey eyes pleaded with her to accept.

“Julianna, you are to be congratulated, my child.”

They all turned to face her father who stood with Aunt Waverly in the doorway. He smiled at the attention. “Your uncle has agreed to settle two thousand pounds on you to add to your dowry.”

Beth cringed at the crass way her father mentioned money in front of them. Could he not wait to tell Julianna in private? No wonder Uncle Waverly disliked him. The more she thought on it, the more she recognized her father’s lack of decorum. It was embarrassing.

Julianna stumbled over her words, then finally accepted his congratulations, though it lacked excitement and spoke of her discomfort.

“Yes, well,” he continued. “We will still need to be gone today, so you best get onto packing your things. We can talk of wedding dates later.”

Julianna rushed around Beth, her movements frantic. “But Papa, Beth and I are still expected to sing at Aunt Waverly’s musicale. We cannot simply leave. Besides, you promised us the entire Christmastide. Cannot Mrs. Barker stay with us and we can return after Twelfth Night as planned?”

“I am afraid as of next week Mrs. Barker will no longer be in my employ.”

Julianna stepped back. “Oh, Papa, you did not release her because of me, did you?”

“No, she has simply found a better situation.”

Julianna glanced over her shoulder at Beth, but she only shrugged. She was surprised too.

Their father grinned. “It seems Mr. Baitman has made her an offer she could not reject. The first set of banns will be read this Sunday.”

A slow smile spread across Julianna’s face.

Beth wished she could share in Julianna’s relief at the news, but it only made her more tense. Not that she was unhappy for Mrs. Barker. The woman must be relieved to have her circumstances elevated again. And Beth knew she should be grateful to not have Mrs. Barker lording over them, but all this change made her wish for something constant, something familiar… like home. But even that would not be constant anymore.

Julianna entered into an animated conversation with Mr. Kaye about the announcement and her father turned to consult Aunt Waverly on what could be done to extend the girls’ stay. Which only left Carswell.

The pleading she’d witnessed earlier still lingered, but she was too tired and the thumping in her head had increased to a roar. Julianna’s reminder about the musicale only increased her distress. She had promised to sing with Carswell, which meant any concessions on her father’s part would be more like a declaration of imprisonment.

In the end, her father declared he could not stay one more night at Haverton as he was needed at Hayworth Hall. He had a new bride to plan for after all.

For a moment Beth’s hopes rose. They would be going home.

Then he said that she and Julianna could stay and he would come back for them at the appointed time.

Beth’s chest constricted as if she’d laced her short stays entirely too tight. “I shall go with you, Papa. There is no need for me to stay. I can practice as well at home as here, and we can return in time for both the musicale and Twelfth Night.”

His bushy eyebrows pulled together. “If you wish?—”

“I do.”

“Very well. We will leave as soon as the sleigh is loaded. When the snow thins we can switch to a coach. Hopefully the roads have cleared farther south or it will be quite unpleasant for a good part of the journey.”

Beth bit back a groan. The snow was the entire reason her father had not reached them sooner. He’d been obliged to hold up in an inn for several days before continuing on. Did she really want to travel back and forth from Hayworth Hall in such conditions?

Her gaze trailed across the room to where Carswell stood with his arms crossed over his chest, his face impassive. She felt the accusation in his stormy grey eyes. But what could he have to say to her other than what he’d already declared?

It seemed traveling in the dead of winter was preferable, if only to escape the feelings she alone harbored. A tender regard Carswell did not believe in. Something so close to love that she was afraid if she analyzed it too much longer she would find that it was indeed that heady yet comfortable feeling. The one that demanded she care for and about someone who could not do the same for her. The same feeling she’d harbored for Edward… until she learned he did not return it.

Carswell did not believe in love, but she could not live without it.