16. Xeros

16

XEROS

Y esterday, Evangeline presented me with a small gathering of flowers. She wants to decorate our cavern and make it more lively, according to her. And she explained to me that humans like giving each other gifts as a way to show affection.

The Astreldi never had such customs. The fact that she's trying her best to include me in her traditions intrigues me. And it makes me desire her so much more.

Every day with Evangeline brings me a satisfaction that I've never known before. It's a beautiful feeling. I hunt for her, she cooks for us, and we spend our days together in happiness.

Truly, I'm starting to get the sense that I'll never want to leave this cavern. Things are perfect the way they are. Why would I ever want this to end?

As I sit and watch her sear meat over the fire, I can't help but watch in amazement as the flame brightens her eyes and illuminates the delicate features of her face. Eventually, she gazes up to stare at me and she sends me a soft smile.

"What are you doing?" she asks, resting on her haunches.

"Nothing in particular."

"You're staring at me as if I've done something strange."

I tend to forget that humans like romance. For the Astreldi, our customs and practices were very straightforward. There was no intricate courting period beforehand. You were attracted to someone or you weren't, and things fell into place soon afterwards.

But humans are more complex. They enjoy romantic gestures. They like the small details, like grazing fingers across the skin or running a hand through their hair. I've adapted to better suit her likes and desires, but I still find myself acting strange around her at times.

When the meat finishes cooking, she removes the meat from over the flame and places it on a rock. She hisses and mumbles things under her breath as she handles the hot meat, but then she gestures for me to come sit by her. With a rock, she slices up the meat into thin slices for us to enjoy.

"I hope I cooked it to your liking," she says.

"I'm going to enjoy anything you make for me. Thank you." While it takes her a few bites to chew through the meat, I toss the pieces into my mouth and devour them in seconds. I control my appetite, wanting Evangeline to eat more than I do. She needs it more.

She eats quietly, nibbling at the meat and only occasionally glancing up at me. There's a pensive expression over her features and it makes me wonder if there's something wrong. She's a talkative creature and she likes vocalizing her opinions with me during times like this.

Today, something's different. I can tell.

"What's on your mind today, Evangeline?"

She perks up slightly, but then she shakes her head and resumes staring at the ground. "Nothing. Same routine as ever."

"No, there is something you are thinking about right now. It's the reason why you're not looking at me while you speak," I reply, tilting my head at her. "Are you afraid of speaking with me?"

"That's not it," she whispers, shaking her head slightly. She sets down her half-eaten piece of meat and pulls her knees up to her chest. "It's not easy for me to talk about this. Just forget it."

"I won't," I say. "This is clearly bothering you and I don't like it when you're upset."

"Can we just… Drop it?" Evangeline grimaces. Then, she lets out a small sigh. "I don't think this is something you'd understand."

"Explain it to me, then."

There's hesitation in those pretty eyes of hers, as well as a bit of fear. Despite our time in this cavern together, there are still moments where I feel like a monster compared to her. We're not equals in that regard, as much as I want us to be.

My only desire is to make her feel safe, and I believe I'm failing at that. Desperately failing.

Does she want to leave me? Rage simmers deep within my soul at the possibility. I can't lose her. She's all I have left. Am I not good enough for her? What have I done wrong?

"Please tell me what's going on," I plead. I reach out for her hand. My own are large and engulf her tiny ones with ease. Evangeline sighs again, but she doesn't pull away from my touch.

"I miss home, that's all," she says, voice wavering. "I miss my settlement. I miss my friends and I miss the warmth of my own home. I like being here with you, Xeros, I really do, but I can't help but feel homesick."

"Did you really think I wouldn't understand that feeling?"

Evangeline blinks. "No, not really. You wouldn't know what it's like being betrayed by your own, in a way."

That gives me pause. Still, there's something about that sentiment that doesn't make me feel good. "I've lost everything and everyone I've ever known, Evangeline. I miss my home, too. Protheka is still here, it always has been, but I'm from a different time. I don't know what home really means anymore."

"Right." She ducks her head and moves strands of her hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry. It was inconsiderate of me to bring that up."

"You're in grief. It's normal to say such things," I remark. I'm the one who pulls away from her first. "So what would you like to do? How would you like me to fix this?"

Evangeline laughs quietly to herself. Then, she rubs her eyes and shakes her head.

"I don't think there's anything to fix here, Xeros. You just have to let me grieve in peace. Things can't go back to how they used to be. I ruined that chance for myself."

"That's not true," I say. "Your settlement still stands, doesn't it? The people in it, the humans… they're still your friends, aren't they?"

"Not anymore, I don't think. They think I betrayed them and put them in danger. They don't want me around."

Humming quietly, I can't truly understand why Evangeline would want to go back to her humans. She explained it herself. They don't want her there. But I want her here with me. So why is she trying to leave? Why is she trying to go back to them?

What do they have that I don't?

I'm trying not to feel angry with Evangeline, but it's starting to materialize within me. My fists clench tightly. My nails start clawing into my own skin until small cuts start to form.

"So are you saying you want to go back to them?" I ask slowly.

Evangeline's eyes widen, but then she shakes her head quickly. "No, Xeros, that's not what I'm saying at all!"

"Then, what are you saying? You miss them. And your settlement still stands. What's stopping you from returning to them at this very instance?"

"You!" Evangeline exclaims. "You're the reason! I don't want to leave you. You're amazing, Xeros. You've given me a new chance at life and I don't want to leave you behind. But you need to understand me. I've known nothing but that settlement for so long. It's only natural to have my moments where I miss them a little bit, regardless of how they treated me."

I huff out a small breath. "If anyone were to treat me as cruelly as they treated you, I wouldn't waste my time thinking about them ever again."

"Well, yeah, that's fair, but you're an Astreldi. I'm a human." Evangeline gestures towards herself when she says that. "We don't think in the same way. We're different in a lot of ways. And even though they treated me badly, I still feel a bit of fondness towards them."

"Why?" The word comes out in an instant. Evangeline frowns. "Why would you ever feel fondness towards them? You humans are more complicated than I thought."

"I just miss having a home, I suppose," she replies with a shrug. Then, she pushes her share of meat towards me. "If you want the rest of the food, you can have it. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Don't be foolish, Evangeline. Eat your food. You get hungrier faster than I do."

Evangeline stares at me and I'm not sure what to make of her expression. There's a mix of emotions behind her eyes. Sadness and frustration, for the most part. I want to make things better for her, but I'm not sure how. I'm not even sure she knows how to fix these complicated emotions within her.

In times like these, I wish things were easier.

"I'm not very hungry, though," she says. "I want to go on a walk."

"No." I reach out for her wrist, grabbing it before she gets a chance to get away from me. "Stay here with me. I want to feel your warmth."

"Xeros…"

"Please don't deny me this. Don't deny me your body."

I feel Evangeline tense up underneath my fingertips, but she gives in to me all the same. That's what I like about her. She's easy to soothe and easy to please. With a few quiet words, I have her back in my arms, placated and content.

This is how things should be between us. This is how things should always be. Just her and I in a calm, quiet silence where the only thing I can feel is her breathing against my body.

I am never going to let her leave me. I don't care if she misses those humans of hers. She is mine from now until my last breath.