15. Evangeline

15

EVANGELINE

W hat did I just do?

My mind replays the tumultuous events of the past several days. I know that my judgment can't be sound because of how much I've gone through. I couldn't have been thinking clearly to have fallen into his clutches.

Perhaps he's offered me a kindness. Perhaps he's pledging his loyalty to me because I accidentally freed him.

But he's still a monster.

I grasp his cold form tighter, feeling his sleek onyx black skin. In the darkness of this cavern, he is almost invisible to me, concealed among the shadows.

But I can still feel him.

His body radiates warmth. His heartbeat is almost identical to mine. I can feel it throbbing against his chest.

I know that blood pulses through him just as it does for me.

And I know that I should be comforted by that. Maybe we're not the same species, but we can still have a conversation. He's sentient like me, even if he can't possibly understand the world of a human.

He rolls over in his sleep, and I wonder how something so cold as the stone floor could be so comforting. It cushions my back, bringing me a sense of calmness.

I've been waiting a while to wake up from this nightmare, I think. When will it ever end?

Still, I remember Kraven's crazed grimace and his rotting smile. I remember fearing for my life as I ran, so exhausted that my lungs burnt.

And in that brief moment, it's almost as if I'm reliving everything. My heart races, and I struggle to breathe. I just want to stop my brain before it drags me further back, away from the safety of this cave.

I sit up from our makeshift bed, looking out at the cavern entrance. In the distance, I see trickles of morning snow falling onto the ground. I see white-covered pine trees filling the horizon, lining mountains and valleys.

As I'm struggling to compose myself and breathe normally, I have to admit that remaining safe here, away from the danger, the wilderness is quite beautiful.

Xeros drained his blood with ease and without a single thought. He's a killer. Of that, I can be certain.

But he did it for me. Regardless of how violent it was, I know that he was defending me.

My mind runs back and forth, competing against all of my thoughts before they even take hold.

But that doesn't justify it. It doesn't justify cold-blooded murder.

The gore still remains fresh in my mind, and it causes me to shiver.

I could still escape now, in spite of my assurances to the contrary. I could forget how the passion and lust grabbed hold of me in the midst of my vulnerability. Maybe I could forget about all the deep kisses we've shared during our short time together, where he's made me feel as if I'm the only person who matters.

I could chalk this all up to a moment of weakness and let myself return to some sense of normalcy, away from this monster. If I run far enough, maybe he won't be able to find me.

Perhaps I could find somewhere in this vast wilderness to call my own, if another settlement won't simply take me in.

Anything has got to be safer than this—trusting a monster to keep me safe.

He's more human than many of the people back in the village.

I shake my head at the thought.

No. This is insanity.

I know that beneath the fur blanket and unobscured by shadows, his arms are jagged bird-like claws, his eyes inhumanly blue. In spite of the cosmetic similarities, I have to realize how different we are.

I can still see him through the eyes of the villagers. No wonder they punished me so fiercely for summoning such a creature.

I remember him rending Kraven with his unrelenting claws, and I picture that he's driving his claws into the torsos of the council, sending the people back home into a screaming frenzy.

Why does the thought give me a trickle of satisfaction?

What's wrong with me that it even excites me—gives me catharsis—to think of the people who cast me out lying bleeding on the stone streets back home?

I have to get myself together. If I stay here, I'm in danger.

Even if I could run away, how would I survive out there? Where would I go?

And it pains me to admit it, but as I sit up, ready to leave and stake my very life on a fraction of a chance of my own survival, I'm not done here. I can't run from this cavern and forget this beast knowing what I know—feeling what I feel for him.

I've never felt this way towards anyone before.

There are still so many more questions that fill my mind, teasing me by the minute.

Perhaps this creature is unconventional, but he still offers me more safety than my own home could provide. He's also betrayed me fewer times than they have, though I suppose there's still plenty of time for that.

And there's a deep part of me that enjoys his touch. It surprises me every time that feeling floats to the surface. It makes me feel wicked and unnatural.

Were they right to exile me?

Am I some kind of freak after all?

I bring myself to my feet, careful not to wake Xeros. The floor of this cavern is brutally cold, and as soon as I stand up, leaving the comforts of the fur blanket, I immediately regret it.

As I walk forward, feeling the blistering cold outside the entrance growing closer by the minute, I look uneasily back at the sleeping beast, who only hours ago, was inside of me, penetrating me with his organ.

Why did it feel so good?

I still remember his unearthly moans, and how it felt when he swelled up inside my core. Something about it was so deeply comforting, even if it was strange and unfamiliar.

I'm both pulled toward him and toward the vast wilderness. Every minute, I want to run in both directions at the same time.

I hear a grunt from behind me, and it surprises me how much more at ease I feel, recognizing Xeros's monstrous voice.

"Why are you up?" he asks in a deep, gravelly voice. "Will you not grow cold? Aren't you shivering?"

Any shred of opposition I felt melts away, as my bare feet slip over the jagged rock floor, guiding me back to him.

"Just couldn't sleep," I reply honestly, even though it's already morning. "I have a lot to think about."

Through the snowfall, I can hear the muted cries of what few songbirds thrive in this fierce weather.

I'm suddenly glad to be in here, and not outside in the freezing and unforgiving cold. I'm surprised by the warmth even this small recess provides me. I wonder if perhaps there's a hot spring somewhere nearby.

As I return to his side, I feel his frigid claw upon my cheek. I expect him to rend into my flesh, and the fear sends a spiral of excitement down my spine.

Instead, he gently traces the contour of my dimple, guiding his claw down toward my lips.

When his eyes meet mine, I somehow feel more seen than I've ever felt before. I don't fear that he'll betray me in spite of what he is.

"Like what?"

His voice surprises me, startling me awake. In the comfort of his touch, I can feel myself drifting away to another world, my eyelids growing heavy again.

How do I feel so safe in the presence of such a ferocious beast?

"How much time do you have?" I ask, chuckling.

But he tilts his strange head to the side, his eyes leaving a bright blue path in their wake. They're so bright, I can feel myself illuminated by them.

Does he not understand humor?

"I have as much time as you need," he replies earnestly. "I would not be here if it wasn't for you."

It's strange. I can't remember ever being a focus for anybody. I can't recall ever truly feeling needed.

"Why will you not tell me what's troubling you?" he asks. "There's very little I haven't seen. There's nothing you can say that will surprise me."

I shake my head, trying to find the words.

His clawed hand lowers from my cheek down to my shoulder, and the faint piercing sensation, threatening to break me open, sends a surge of adrenaline rushing through my body.

His claw retracts, and he grips my shoulder, trying to offer comfort. But though I can see the intention, the pressure is tight. If he slips, he might break me.

"It's nothing," I say, slighting the most traumatic event of my life. "I just left my home, and I have no way of returning."

He nods, studying me. His blue eyes meet mine, and I feel compelled to do something I can't understand.

I want to grip his face and kiss him deeply. I want to lay in his arms forever, blocking out the rest of the world so that it's only us. In this cave, the rest of Protheka fades away.

Xeros has claimed me and shielded me from the world. And I'm alright with that.

I shake my head, trying to resist the sensation taking hold.

Does he have some magical grip on my emotions? Is he somehow manipulating me to love him?

The feelings clouding my mind obscure my thoughts, heightening every sensation.

"That must have been hard," he replies. "But my home is gone forever."

I raise an eyebrow in response.

"Still, that village must be so much worse without you. It's a great loss for them."

In spite of how fast my heart is racing, my mind is unsettled.

"But you don't know that," I reply. "You barely know who I am."

He says nothing, his movements eerie and unnatural in the dim light of the cavern.

He's been nothing but kind to you , I think. Don't lash out. Don't fight this.

As he studies me, I feel myself peering into him, trying to understand.

He's here for me, and me alone.

This jet-black mythical being has come to grant my deepest, most obscure wish.

I feel myself fighting as my hand reaches up to him, rubbing over his darkened cheek.

I command my body to stop, but I know what it wants. I know that I'm not moving as part of some deep hypnosis, or some strange aphrodisiac.

This is my will.

My lips move upward toward his mouth, and I feel myself melting into him.

As we mash into each other, I feel myself becoming one with him.

And I feel my humanity falling away from me like a shed skin. As I kiss Xeros, I realize that I'm kissing a monster, one who has the capability to unmake me with a mere thought.

And somehow, that amplifies my passion. I feel myself clutching more desperately to him, digging into his smooth shoulders with my fingernails.

I don't dare open my eyes to see the world outside. I don't care about running away, and for a moment, I forget the pain of being ostracized.

Our mouths part and a strand of saliva connects us.

As I stare into his deep blue eyes, I can see eternity. An indiscernible future lingers before me, and it doesn't scare me in the slightest. I might not understand what this will lead to, but at that moment, I don't care.

I just know that it's beautiful and bright.

He grips my shoulder tighter, and I welcome the pain as it shoots downward, cresting down my spine.