Chapter Nineteen

Duke It Out

I didn’t hear my phone when it rang, but its buzzing caught my attention, the vibrations making it bounce around on the table in my peripheral. It was two in the morning and I was alone in the studio. Ray and her dude had ducked out about an hour or so ago and, while I should’ve been right behind them, I had some music on my heart that I needed to record. Without pausing the music, I picked it up and turned it over to see my baby brother’s face grinning up at me from the screen.

The sound of me sucking my teeth reached my ears before I even realized I’d performed the action. I was not in the mood to talk to Cody’s ass, so I rejected the call and placed it back face-down. I hadn’t even pulled my hand back when it started vibrating again. Still, I swiped my thumb across the screen. Yeah, a conversation between us was well overdue, but it could wait until after I fixed things with Jucee.

The phone buzzed a third time but I concentrated on the music, not even bothering to ignore the call this time. He’d get the message eventually.

Or so I thought.

The screen of my business phone lit up with a notification. That was worthy of my pausing the music to check it out. It was a notification from the security app. Someone had just entered the front door of the studio. Pulling up the live footage, I groaned aloud at the image of my big-ass, hard-headed-ass, can’t-take-a-hint-ass baby brother grinning up at the camera as he entered a code into the panel on the wall and walked his happy ass through the front door. Rolling my eyes, I swiveled around in my chair just as Cody opened the door.

His eyes swept the room quickly before narrowing in on me.

“Oh, so your ass ain’t in here half-dead, you’re just being an asshole.”

My top lip curled and I shot him the finger.

“How am I the asshole when you’re the one who snuck your snake ass up in here in the middle of the night?!”

Cocking his head to the side, he lifted his left eyebrow. His expression immediately morphed from joking to serious. I blew out a breath, dropping my head back against the chair and running a hand down my face. I’d gone too far. I knew it the moment the words came out of my mouth.

“My bad. I—”

“Nah, you clearly have some shit to get off your chest.” Nodding his head, he crossed the room and dropped down onto the couch. Spreading his hands, he gestured for me to continue. “You been too pussy to speak your mind, but apparently that’s dead, so let’s go. I’m a snake now?”

I damn near bit a hole in my lip to keep from taking the bait on that pussy comment. I wanted to light into his ass, but I couldn’t because he was right.

Eyes on the ceiling, I sighed.

“I deserved that.”

Air whooshed out of the cushions as he shifted in his seat. He sucked his teeth and I glanced over to see him stretched out, his arms spread across the back of the couch.

“Hell yeah. You been ignoring me but now you talking real spicy. That shit ain’t cool. I ain’t deserve none of that.” He chuckled afterward, but he couldn’t mask the slight grumble that belied his hurt. My heart clenched.

I was an asshole.

Cody was the biggest of us all, but he was also the most sensitive. I knew that and still lashed out at him instead of dealing with my insecurities. I knew better than anyone that age didn’t equal maturity, but I was also too damn old to be acting the way that I had. I blew out a breath.

“You’re not a snake.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” He pursed his lips. “What I want to know is why that even came out your mouth. Or better yet, why you been acting like you actually believe that for the past few weeks?”

I don’t know why I thought that I had control over when this conversation took place. The last few months should’ve been clue enough that things rarely went the way I wanted them, the exception being music. Which, of course, is why I’d been trying to bury my head in the sand by hyperfocusing on the music.

That was clearly an epic fail.

“I was wrong—”

“Say that shit again. I don’t think I heard you right.”

Glaring, I threw my hands up in the air.

“Say, fool, you gon’ let me get a full sentence out or nah?! I’m tryna apologize to your waterhead ass and you won’t even shut up long enough for my lips to form an s!”

He laughed and waved me on. “You been treating me like the red-headed stepchild for a minute. You can deal with a little ribbing. Hell, you earned it.”

Damn him for being right again.

“I’m sorry, Cody. I’ve been fucking up in more ways than one with too many people that I love.”

To my surprise, he remained silent, his eyes on me expectantly. Letting out a breath, I ripped off the Band-Aid.

“I was jealous and I was scared.”

He sat forward, his elbows landing on his knees, his eyes piercing into me.

“Of what?”

“Of...what looked like you getting with Jucee.”

“Explain.”

I frowned. “Don’t be bossing me, fool! You know what I’m talking about!”

“Hell nah! I have no idea what you saw and perceived as me ‘getting with her’ when every-damn-body know that girl only got eyes for your watermelon-head ass. I don’t know why, since I’m the better-looking Thomas offspring, but I’m pretty sure she needs glasses.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.

I gaped at him.

“Say what?”

Resuming his reclined position, he shrugged again.

“Where’s the confusion? I swear your comprehension skills are lacking. If it’s not music, you stay lost.” He tilted his head to the side and eyed me. “Do I need to grab a guitar and sing it to you?”

In spite of myself, I cracked up. “Man, fuck you!”

“Aye, I’m just tryna meet you where you at.”

“I can’t stand your ass,” I muttered darkly.

He smirked. “But you jealous of me though.”

“Was,”I emphasized, wishing I could take that confession back. “Not anymore.”

His cheeks lifted, making his dark brown eyes disappear behind his lids, and his grin spread. “You say that like it matters.”

“Man...”

He sat forward quickly, cutting me off. “Nah, Cyn. Be for real. Whatever reason you been beefing with Jucee don’t have shit to do with me. You can try and pull that jealousy shit with someone else, but I know better.”

I stared at him.

“Mmhm,” he continued, nodding as he scooted to the edge of the couch. “Jucee is fine as hell. You know that, I know that, everyone who lays eyes on her knows that. And yeah, she’s bi, but shit,” he chuckled, “that don’t mean a damn thing to me if the only person she’s interested in is my disgustingly talented, but sometimes blind to the obvious, older sister. I mean—” he shrugged “—I worry about her taste since she chose the least attractive Thomas, but I’m not one to judge other folks’ preferences.”

The amusement dropped from his face as he pointed a finger at me. “You, on the other hand—”

At this point, I felt confident enough to try and derail the train before it made contact. Holding up a hand, I shook my head. “You don’t even have to say it. I already know and I’m working on it.”

Both of Cody’s eyebrows surged up his forehead as if they’d heard that Beyoncé was performing a concert on the edge of his hairline and wanted to be first in line to buy their tickets.

He waved me on. “I gotta hear this shit. G’on then, tell me what it is you already know.”

Amusement appeared in the wrinkles at the corner of his mouth. I wanted to be pissed—I was pissed—but my daddy’s voice was in my head telling me the perils of leading with anger. So, I took a calming breath, blew that shit out, and spoke.

“My...preferences...” I trailed off as several paths appeared in the forefront of my mind.

My instinct was to defend myself, to explain away the explanation before I even got the words out of my mouth, but I knew better. It was too late at night—or too early—to be wasting time with bullshit. I’d fucked up. I could admit that. Had admitted it days earlier while crying on my daddy’s shoulder.

This was different though.

Cody was my baby brother. He had the unique advantage of knowing me all of his life, and because of that, didn’t see me the way others did. While he had a measure of respect for me, it didn’t keep him from calling me out when he deemed it necessary. Where my daddy was invested in protecting me as much as helping me learn the lesson, Cody was much more interested in pointing out my fuck-ups.

I was pissed that I’d given him so much material.

Clearing my throat, I began again.

“I allowed my fear to cloud my judgment. I used that to unintentionally push away the woman I loved.”

There it was. I’d laid it out there and admitted my fault to him. It was much easier to deal with when I told on myself. I felt like B-Rabbit at that final cypher when he took the ammo from Papa Doc. Smirking, I waited for Cody to respond.

Yeah, fool! Tell these people something they don’t know about me!

The scoff that burst from Cody’s throat was so disgusted that I reared back.

“You really think that’s what I was about to say, Cyndi?”

Frowning, I blinked. The inflection on my name was real aggressive, each syllable clipped like jagged fingernails that kept snagging threads from a beloved garment. “That’s what happened, so what else could you have to say?”

His chuckle was less amusement and more frustration. The underlying resignation was a flashing marquee that he was fed up.

“If you think all you did was ‘push her away,’ you’re more dense than I thought.”

“You calling me dumb?”

“I’m saying, if somebody was out here playing with my best friend the way you been playing with Jucee, I’d be pulling up ready to plex.”

Cocking my neck back, I narrowed my eyes. “Playing?”

He curled his lip. “Everybody and Nana been watching you toy with this girl like a kitten with a feather. Jucee wears her emotions on her sleeve, big and bold for everyone to see, but instead of you reciprocating her feelings, you’ve been punishing her for them. You wanna play house, fuck her, play step-studdy to Amani, and make everyone believe y’all are finally getting together, only to back out and pop up with another woman whenever you feel like it. And you think that shit is cool?” Shaking his head, he glared at me. “Be for real. If it was another woman doing this to Jucee, what would you tell her to do?”

I stared at him, his words settling in my gut like a fifty-pound weight. There was nothing for me to say; he hadn’t uttered a single lie. Even if I’d never intended to play Jucee like that, that’s exactly what had happened. Daddy had always talked to us about our intentions not superseding their impact whenever we made missteps that hurt someone, but here I was, a grown-ass woman, doing something I’d been getting warned about since I was in elementary.

“You’re right.”

I waited for the inevitable ribbing, but, to my surprise, he didn’t gloat. Instead, he stared at me expectantly. Somehow, he knew that I wasn’t finished.

“I fucked up.” Grabbing my head, I groaned. “I feel like a broken record saying that shit again, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I wasn’t trying to hurt her, I was...shit, I was just scared.”

“You tell her that?”

“You know I haven’t.”

“So, why are you here?”

I sucked my teeth as I gestured to the board on my left. “Man, I’m working.”

He quirked one of his eyebrows. “What that mean?”

“It’s the middle of the night.”

Unperturbed, he blinked. “Again, what that mean?” When I didn’t respond, he snorted. “You know what that sounds like? Excuses. And not even good ones.” He shook his head. “Pathetic.”

All I could do was laugh, because he had a point. My excuses were pathetic as hell. That didn’t stop me from lifting both middle fingers into the air and aiming them in his direction, but I did so knowing that he was right and I was wrong. It didn’t happen often, but this was a special moment that I didn’t take for granted.

“Why don’t you tell me what I’m supposed to do then, since you know everything.” If he wanted to act like he had all of the answers, then he could start spilling them.

Cody’s eyes bugged.

“Bro, I had no idea you were this incompetent. How the fuck do you manage to bag bad bitches when you don’t even know how to grovel?! You ain’t never begged a woman to take you back?!”

Now I was the one scoffing. “Boy, please! I don’t beg women to do anything but open their legs wider and stop running from what I’m making them feel.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Lifting a hand in the air, he waved me off. “That sounds good coming out of your mouth, but if you’ve never gotten further than a few orgasms and sleepovers with a woman, then I have to question what you plan to do with Jucee. Because that woman is a lot of things but one thing she isn’t is the friends with benefits type. She’s the type you marry and start a family with. You can’t string her along. She deserves better than that.”

The passion in his voice took me aback. We sat there, staring each other down as I tried to figure out how I felt about how he’d said what he said. Because if I didn’t know better...

“You sure you don’t want Jucee?” I asked bluntly. There was no need to dance around it.

I watched my baby brother purse his lips and suck in a slow breath, the inhalation almost noiseless in the quiet room. When he released the air through his nose, he leveled me with a point-blank look and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“Are you saying I have to want a woman to see her worth? You think that’s the kinda man my daddy raised?”

Shit.

Even if his words hadn’t chastened me, the thread of hurt woven into the anger of his words shot a pang of regret through my chest. It hadn’t been my intention to question his integrity, but, once again, intention didn’t equal impact.

I licked my lips. “Not at all, I was just—”

“If I wanted her, I wouldn’t be here.”

That effectively shut me up. I nodded and sat back in my seat. A few beats passed before he echoed my nod.

“Aight then. What are you gon’ do?”