Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

W hen Connor walked in through the door, Esyllt was sitting up in the bed, feeling herself again after the dreadful fright she’d had. Seeing him enter the room, she flushed. Very little time had passed since Mistress Annie had left, which meant he had rushed to her side as soon as he’d been told she wanted to see him. Dare she hope it was a good sign? Would he listen to her at last?

There was so much she needed to tell him. But first, she would have to apologize for frightening him.

“I’m sorry. I panicked.”

He closed the door and took a step forward, looking uncharacteristically hesitant. “Don’t be sorry. I panicked too.”

Yes. Having lost two children already, he would have. Which only added to her guilt.

Once the kind woman had reassured her, Esyllt had felt like a prized fool for scaring Connor unnecessarily. He would have thought his worst nightmare was coming true again. After the horrific losses he had endured, seeing her lose this child in front of him would have been too awful for words.

“I was tired, aching from my ride, I saw the blood and I?—”

“Please,” Connor interrupted. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You shouldn’t have been on the road in the first place. You shouldn’t have been worrying yourself over the reception you would get from me, your husband. It was all wrong, and it was all my fault.”

He shook his head in dismay.

“This had nothing to do with the travel. Or the anguish of wondering what you would tell me. Mistress Annie assured me it was perfectly normal, and no cause for concern.” She stroked her stomach tenderly. Though she had only just found out about this baby, she already loved it fiercely. “Thank you for sending her to me. I could not think what to do, I just?—”

“Oh, Esyllt, there is no need to thank me.” In two strides he was by the side of the bed. “I will always take care of my wife and child, how can you doubt it? I was so relieved when she told me you were both all right. I could not bear the idea that I would be responsible for yet another death.”

“Another death?” Her heart skipped a beat. “Who else have you killed?”

He stared at her, the expression on his face grave. “My late wife. You could argue I killed her. Had I not made her with child, she would never have?—”

“Stop. Husbands and wives make children together, it is the way of things and sometimes it ends up tragically. It is awful but one thing is certain, it is not your fault.” Esyllt took his hand in hers, wishing she could erase the haunted look in his eyes.

“No, I know.” He sighed and gave her hand a squeeze. “But it doesn’t necessarily make it easier to deal with the notion. And I think you of all people understand exactly what I mean.”

“Yes. I do.” She still bore the burden of Gwyn’s death, though many would argue she had not really killed him.

For a moment they remained silent, fingers entwined. Then Connor glanced at her stomach. A dreadful thought tore through her mind. Was he about to ask her who the father of this child was? Had Matthew mentioned his suspicions about her supposed numerous lovers? For a moment she feared it might be the case.

But the look in his eyes reassured her before panic could suffocate her once more. It was one of awe and love, not suspicion.

“So you are carrying my child. That’s why you could not wait to see me, why you came to Sheridan Manor, not just because you wanted to talk about what had happened with Gruffydd. It was because you wanted to tell me about this babe you’re about to give me.”

Esyllt’s shoulders relaxed. He didn’t doubt the paternity of the child for a moment. She should have known he would trust her. Still, he didn’t seem confident enough to come sit on the bed next to her, as if he weren’t sure of the reception he would get if they got too close. She placed a hand on the cover, indicating she wanted him on the bed with her.

“Yes. I thought I had better tell you without delay, and I didn’t think this was the kind of news a man wants to read in a letter.”

“No, you were right.” He did not comment, but the way he twisted his lips told her he didn’t think the way he had found out was ideal either. She could only agree. No sooner had he found out that she was with child than he’d had to face the possibility of losing the babe. It should not have happened that way.

“I’m sorry. In the end, it might have been better to send a message,” she mumbled as he took another step forward.

“No. I thank you for coming to tell me in person. It was very brave of you, and I’m not sure I deserve the discomfort you suffered as a consequence.” He leaned in slightly. Perhaps once the conversation was over he would finally sit down next to her. She hoped so, as she dearly needed to touch him. “When did you realize you were with child?”

Esyllt smiled at the memory of that day. Her whole body had felt lit up from within when she’d understood she was to have another child. “I knew almost immediately.”

It had not been her first pregnancy, so she had been prepared for the signs. Even more pointedly, she had been watching for them. Secretly, she had wished that her passionate night with Connor had borne fruit. She could not bear to think that there was nothing left of the bond they had briefly shared. If she gave him a child, he would have to come back to her, and perhaps if she gave him an heir, he would even agree to listen to her.

Listen to her. Yes, they still needed to have the all-important conversation.

She glanced at the place next to her and, to her relief, he sat down. “I came to tell you about the child, but there is another reason for my presence here, as you might have guessed. I need to explain what I?—”

He cut her explanation short with a raised hand. “Please. Just tell me this. Did Gruffydd take Sian from you? Is that why you opened the postern gate? To get her back? That’s all I need to know.”

Esyllt gave a cry when all the awful tension left her body in one rush. He knew! Then if he knew, he might find it in himself to forgive her. “Oh, Connor! I thought my heart had stopped beating that night.”

Before she could think, she threw herself into his arms. Connor placed his chin on top of her head, holding her tight, and she melted into the embrace. How she had missed this, the comfort of being in his arms!

“Is that why you handed me over to him?” he murmured in her ear, rocking her slowly against him.

She nodded against his chest, ashamed of not having been stronger, of not having confided in him. They would surely have found a solution together. Matthew would have helped to, she knew it.

“I had no choice, or so I thought. He came to see me at Castell Esgyrn, asking me to hand you over to his mob of men. I refused and I thought, fool that I was, that he had accepted my refusal. But then he sent me a letter telling me he had abducted Sian and I would only ever see her again if I agreed to open the castle to him and his men that night. I could not think, I could not breathe. I panicked, just like I did now. I should have come to you and told you, I should have?—”

“Hush, love,” he soothed. “I understand. You did what you had to do to save Sian. Of course you could not leave your child in the hands of that bastard. Better to hand over a knight, a man capable of defending himself, than leave a vulnerable, frightened little girl alone with Gruffydd even for a moment.”

Relief swept through her. He understood her thinking and even seemed to agree that it had been the only choice available to her. If he did, then everything would be all right. “Exactly. Still, no matter my reasons, I placed you in mortal danger. Will you ever forgive me?”

“Only if you forgive yourself.”

Oh, the wretched man! He knew guilt was gnawing at her. “I... It might take me a while,” she said honestly.

“Take all the time you need, I’ll be there. Would it help if I told you I love you too?” he purred, looking straight into her eyes.

Esyllt inhaled sharply. Had he said he loved her too ? That meant he knew she loved him. But how? “What do you mean?”

“Don’t pretend you did not say you loved me that night,” he said, stroking her cheek. “But even if you did not, I can see it in your eyes now, wife.”

She smiled at the way he said the word she had ranted against many a time, knowing it would be the last time he ever called her that. From now on he would call her Esyllt.

“You can?”

“Yes. But tell me again.”

“I love you. I have loved you for weeks. I should have realized it before.”

“As long as you did.” His hand found its way to her stomach. “And now you are going to give a me a child. It is perfect, the marriage I always wanted and never dared to hope for.”

“Yes.” She blushed. They had only spent one night together but it had been enough for her to conceive. It had to be a sign that their marriage was blessed. “An heir, perhaps.”

Connor waved Esyllt’s words away. Though many of his male friends thought him odd for it, he cared nothing about fathering the all-too important heir. All he wanted was a healthy child who was the image of its lovely mother. He knew all too well that a successful birthing was not guaranteed.

“An heir will come, in time, I’m sure of it, because I mean to fill you with my seed over and over again.”

The way she blushed at his crude declaration made it impossible for him not to kiss her. And kissing her with all the fire he was capable of made it impossible not to want more. Blood started to pump in his veins and he nudged at her gently until she was lying on her back, under him, right where he needed her.

“Is it safe, do you think?” he asked, his lips hot against hers. He wanted her more than his next breath, but was he not being too hasty? Esyllt had just suffered a scare, and he had seen the blood on her hand earlier. Perhaps she needed time before she welcomed him inside her body. “If you preferred to?—”

“I’m sure it’s safe. Stop talking. Make love to me.”

Everything inside Connor roared. His wife wanted him to stop arguing and take her? He would do just that.

“Forgive me, love, but this is going to be fast,” he said, gathering the hem of her skirts in his hand. He already knew he would not last long.

“Good, because I need you now,” she rasped, opening her legs wide while he freed himself and settled his shaft between her thighs. He was glad to see that all fear about appearing wanton had disappeared. She wanted him and she wasn’t afraid to show him as much, without worrying about he would think. Finally, she had accepted the wilder side of her.

Nevertheless he didn’t dare flip her over onto her stomach and pound into her from behind, as he’d dreamed of doing for many a night. After what she’d gone through that day, he would have to be gentle with her. He could not resist telling her what he wanted to do, though. Words inflamed the body as well as the imagination.

“Next time I will show you all we can do together, my love.” He slid inside her, savoring both the hot tightness wrapping around him and the moan she gave. “I want to slide inside you while you press your delectable breasts into the mattress underneath.” Another thrust, more forceful. Another moan, even more arousing. “I want you to ride me like I ride my stallion and take your pleasure with me.” Thrust. Esyllt lifted both her legs to cradle his waist. “I want to bend you over and make you take me in all my urgency.” Thrust, thrust. “I want you to keel at my feet and?—”

“Connor, please! You are going to kill me with such talk,” she whimpered.

“Oh, no, I will never kill you, with words or otherwise. I’m going to make you come. Now.”

Right on cue, she erupted around him, spasming with delicious force. The feeling was so extraordinary that he had no choice but to follow her in ecstasy. Arms straight, chest heaving, head rolled back, he emptied himself into her softness, forgetting the past and all the hurt he’d ever felt.

Then he collapsed and allowed darkness to claim him.

Connor had no idea how long he’d slept when he woke up to a smiling Esyllt.

“Well, husband. All those things you want to do to me might have to wait if you cannot even muster the strength to take me in the normal way without passing out.”

“Witch,” he growled. “I’ll show you that it takes much more to floor me. Usually,” he added when she arched a brow in challenge. When she laughed, he drew her to him. “Which reminds me. I never asked you, but why did you allow me inside your body that night before our wedding?”

She didn’t have to actually let him take her to give anyone the impression that they were “coupling”, to use her delightful expression. But she had surrendered to his entreaties all too readily. He had always wondered why.

“Why do you think?” He guessed, rather than saw, that she had blushed. “Because I wanted you inside me. When you suggested it, I could not resist. I had never seen anyone like you. I was fair transfixed.”

“I know exactly how you felt,” he groaned. “It was the same for me. I could not believe my luck that the wife I had chosen at random could be so alluring. I know I should never have suggested making love to you, never mind actually possessed you but I could not resist, as you say.”

“I too have a question about that night.” Esyllt sounded shy. “Why did you not carry on until you had reached your release?”

He stared at her for long moment, not sure what to say. Why had he stopped? He had asked himself the same questions often enough. Eventually, he gave the only answer he could think of.

“Because I’m a fool.”

“Esyllt.”

Her name in Mathew’s mouth was so unexpected that Esyllt’s eyebrows shot all the way to her forehead. Had her disapproving brother-in-law just used her name in such soft tones? Yes, he had.

Behaving as if this was not an earth-shattering event, she turned around slowly.

“Yes, Matthew?”

“I never said... Well, I never apologized...”

She had never seen the man hesitate before, much less appear at fault in front of her. Was he embarrassed?

“Why should you apologize?” she asked, barely refraining from smiling. The devil in her refused to make this too easy for him, even if in her heart she had already forgiven him. There were worst crimes than indefectible loyalty. Besides, she knew from his behavior toward everyone else that he was a good man at heart.

The brown eyes gleamed. “I should never have doubted you. I know now why you let Gruffydd and his men into the castle, and I understand why you would have thought it better to gamble on my brother’s ability to survive the torment inflicted on him rather than expose your daughter to harm. What you must have suffered when you realized she was the Welshman’s captive doesn’t bear thinking about.” He ran a hand through his blond hair. “Well. I guess I’m trying to say I’m sorry.”

“You must be, to call me by my name,” she could not help but tease. This was rather enjoyable. “Although you are still a long way from pronouncing it properly, you know.” To her relief, he smiled at the provocation. “Don’t be sorry. I am reassured to see that Connor has such a loyal brother by his side. And it was thanks to you that we could get him back in the end. I owe you his life. Be sure I shall never forget it.”

“It was thanks to me and you. Without you we would never have known where to search for him, and we might have reached him too late. It took courage to come face me in all my wrath.” He took her hand in his to kiss her fingers. Esyllt felt absurdly moved and she knew from then on they would be the best of friends. “I am reassured to see that Connor has such a steadfast, loving wife by his side. With a woman like you to watch over him, he has no need of me anymore.”

The wistfulness in his tone told her he was only half jesting. He did fear he would be left on the side, but she knew that would never happen.

“Nonsense. You are Connor’s only brother. Mark my words, he will not let you out of his sight.”

“You do know that I’m not, though, not really?” Now he sounded racked with doubt. Esyllt could not help but place a light hand over his arm. The vulnerable side to her brother-in-law she was quickly discovering was endearing him to her.

“You are his brother by choice. That is just as significant, if not more, than being his brother by blood. Families come in many different forms. I already love Jane like my own and I’m sure Connor considers Sian as his second daughter. There is room for more than one person in someone’s life and heart, and Connor loves you. Do not doubt it.”

Her words had the desired effect on Matthew. All tension left his body.

“Thank you, my l—Esyllt. If I ever wondered why Connor loved you, I don’t anymore. And may I offer my most heartfelt congratulations?” he said, glancing at her stomach. The move was bold, even if he was her brother-in-law. Most people would never dare allude to anything to do with her body, never mind look directly at it. “I cannot wait to meet my new niece.”

“Or nephew,” she said in a breath.

Matthew gave a slanted smile. “We shall see. I told you, Connor doesn’t seem to be able to father boys.”

“It matters not if he does not. I will be perfectly happy with another girl, and so will he.” Indeed, she couldn’t wait to see her husband holding their baby in his arms.

“Of course. Just make sure you remember what I told you. It will be another girl, and what’s more, she will have green eyes.”