Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

D espite her fatigue Esyllt kicked her mare on.

She had agonized about this trip for weeks. Should she go and find Connor? Would he not send her back from whence she’d come with a curse? No, he would never be so callous. And he had told her he was going to Sheridan Manor, when he could have kept silent about his destination. She wanted to see this as a sign that all was not lost, that she was allowed to go visit.

Besides, it wasn’t all about her. Jane was missing her father dreadfully. It had surprised everyone when the little girl had elected to remain in Wales instead of going with him, but it might now prove her salvation. She had used the little girl as an excuse to set off for England and see her husband before the rift between them became a gulf. A few weeks without him she might have been able to handle, but it had now been months.

She needed to see him.

The journey had been longer than she had anticipated, though, taxing both physically and mentally. Not only was she constantly tired and sick on occasion, but as days went past she started to worry about the reception she would get from Connor. At first, the idea of seeing him had filled her with anticipation, making the first few miles easily bearable. But soon her mood had turned to diffidence. Would he not be angry to see her when he had not called for her? Shouldn’t she at least have written to announce her arrival?

Perhaps, but it would not have made much difference. She had to see him. What she had to say was not easy to put down on paper and she wasn't even sure he would read a letter coming from her. He would assume she was trying to justify her terrible betrayal with more lies. Encouraged by Matthew, he might well throw the letter into the fire instead of opening it.

No. There was only one way to break the news to him, in person. But even if she hadn’t had any reason to go and find him, she would have wanted to go.

Because she missed Connor, missed everything about him.

Her body missed his heat at night, her mind missed their complicity by day, her heart missed all of him day and night. She missed the sparkle in his eyes when he teased her, the sound of his laughter, the jolt of recognition her body gave every time he entered a room, the warmth of his hands on her waist, the way he looked at her. She missed everything.

Against all odds, she had fallen deeply, irremediably in love with the husband who had been forced upon her.

Without him she was irritable, and her days had no purpose. She spent her time waiting for something to happen, for the excitement only Connor could provide. Every day she woke up full of hope before crumbling slowly when it became clear that today would not be the day she would be reunited with him. It had been the same as when he had left the first time, only a hundred times worse, for she hadn’t been in love with him then.

As days had become weeks, then months, she felt had the weight of his absence more and more keenly and the guilt of her betrayal had threatened to crush her.

Although she’d had her reasons for handing him over to Gruffydd, there was no denying that she had woefully betrayed him. Worse, she had done so the day after they had spent their first night of passion together.

How perfect Connor had been with her that night! First, sharing his grief, then reassuring her when she had exposed her innermost secret, and finally so passionate, so loving when he had made love to her. Far from being appalled at the strength of her desire, he had assured her it was normal, he had stroked her as if she’d been the most precious creature in the world.

He had made her body explode and her uncertainties vanish. She wasn't a wanton, there was nothing wrong with her, there was no shame in desiring her husband.

How could she not love a man like this, who made her feel safe and cherished?

But... What now? Would she have to spend the rest of her life away from him? Would they become estranged? Was he even now working to have their marriage annulled? Did he still want her? Was he courting someone else? There were so many questions torturing her by day, and such a burning desire keeping her awake at night that she could not have waited another moment before setting off on the long road to Sheridan Manor.

There was only one way to put an end to all the uncertainties, the doubts.

Go and confront him, have it all out in the open, try and win him back, because she couldn’t live without him.

She even missed Matthew for pity’s sake!

“When are your handsome husband and his dashing brother coming back?” Branwen had asked her one day. Esyllt had asked herself that very question so many times that she had burst into sobs.

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, no, Esyllt, I’m sorry, what have I said?” Her friend was horrified by the sudden outburst.

“It’s not something you said. Only, I have no idea when he will come back or even if he will want to!” Crying, she had explained everything to Branwen, who’d listened without passing any comment or judgment.

“You could always go and find him, I suppose,” she’d said eventually.

“Yes...” Esyllt had stared at her. How had the idea not crossed her mind before? It went to show how upset she had been, so upset she couldn’t think straight. “I suppose I could.”

And here she was at last, in Sheridan Manor’s great hall, waiting for her husband to appear. One of the Englishmen who had elected to come live at Castell Esgyrn had led the retinue and indicated the way across Wales and into unknown English territory.

Right now Connor was in the solar with Jane, who’d been beside herself with joy at being reunited with her father. Esyllt had not wanted to intrude on the father and daughter reunion and decided to stay in the great hall.

Finally, after an excruciatingly long wait, he joined her.

“My lady.”

She could barely breathe. The look in his eyes was uncompromising, the voice icy. Evidently, he was not pleased to see her. It was a bad start but she forced herself to calm. At least Matthew was not with him, so they would be able to have the all-important conversation in private.

“Good day, my lord,” she answered slowly.

“What are you doing here? I do not recall requesting your presence.”

“You did not. But we agreed we needed to talk, and I didn’t think it wise to wait much longer.” It had been almost three months.

“If I had been of the same opinion, I would have come to you already.”

Everything inside her withered. Why had she thought that coming here would make any difference? The time apart had done nothing to ease his anger and resentment. Defeated, she lowered her eyes and bit her lip to stop herself from crying. Alone or not, they would not have that conversation right now, not when she felt on the verge of tears.

“After a trying journey, I would be grateful for a rest,” she said, resisting the urge to cradle her belly.

“Of course. I shall have a room readied for you. Will you require anything else?”

“No, I thank you.”

The exaggerated politeness was chilling. She was treated with all the deference due to a female guest, but nothing more. There was nothing personal in his welcome, no warmth in his voice, no tenderness in his eyes. She could have been anyone. The only consolation was that Matthew had not witnessed her humiliation. She would not have been able to keep tears at bay if she’d seen him smirk at the cold welcome she’d gotten from her husband.

Esyllt followed the maid who had been called and instructed to lead her to the chamber at the top of the tower. The message was clear.

They would not be sleeping in each other’s arms tonight.

He would have to go and see her without delay, Connor realized as he watched Esyllt disappear though the door. He would not be able to wait long before wanting to hear what she had to say. Of course, it might be about her betrayal, but he sensed there was something else. If she had only meant to sway him, it would have been in her best interest to wait until he’d calmed down enough to go back to Esgyrn Castle. The mere fact that he’d gone to her would have indicated that he was ready to hear her out. Instead, she had risked reawakening his wrath by coming here unannounced.

That was another thing. Why had she decided to come without warning, or without requesting a proper escort? She’d brought half a dozen men at arms with her, which was hardly adequate protection for a woman and child traveling through rebel country. He would have to have a word with John to ask why he had heeded his wife’s instructions and not insisted on taking more men with them. He should have remonstrated with the man upon arrival, but he had been unable to think.

The shock of seeing Esyllt in the great hall had made it impossible for him to know how to act. Worse had been his reaction. His heart had leapt, his whole body had surged in recognition.

He still loved her, fool that he was.

It was the only explanation for it. If he did not, he would not have felt the urge to run to her and crush her in his arms as soon as he’d seen her. It had been safer to assume a cold demeanor and keep a safe distance between them. Matthew’s presence just behind the door had helped as well. Without him, Connor might well have started to blurt out unwise words, and behaved like he could not afford.

As soon as he was alone, that door opened, allowing his brother into the room.

“Are you going to listen to her explanations then?” Matthew crossed his arms over his chest in obvious disapproval.

“I don’t know.” He had not requested her presence, but she was here now, so what harm could it do to have the discussion they needed to have?

“You almost died a painful death because of her. You’d be a fool to allow her feminine wiles to sway you.”

Connor did not try to repress his irritation at this unfair comment. He had never allowed anyone to sway him, he was not about to start now. And Esyllt’s beauty was not the only reason he was drawn to her. His brother should have guessed that.

“I will do no such thing. But if she were a man, I would want to hear what she has to say for herself and judge accordingly. I think the least I can do is extend the same courtesy. We are married. I cannot discard her on a whim.”

Over the last three months he’d had time to heal and think, and he could not shake the feeling that something was not quite right. It was time to get to the bottom of what had really happened. Suddenly, he was very glad Esyllt had come.

Matthew was not so easily impressed. “If she were a man, you wouldn’t be married to her, would you, and she wouldn’t be in a position to ensnare you with what is hidden under her skir?—”

“I will thank you for keeping your lewd comments to yourself,” Connor snarled, goaded beyond endurance. “ You are a man, so I won’t hesitate to send you to the ground if you show her any disrespect or speak of her in those terms again. Regardless of what happened, she is still my wife. Do not make the mistake of forgetting it ever again.”

With those words, he ran out of the room. He would give Esyllt time to rest, but then he would go find her.

The feeling between her legs was not normal.

Upon waking up from her well-deserved nap, Esyllt had started to feel odd. Attributing it to her nervousness at the idea of facing Connor after his unpromising welcome, she had done her best to push her discomfort from her mind. She had to focus on the mission ahead. This time, no matter what reception she got, she would not get defeated, she would speak to him.

And he would listen.

By the time she had reached the bottom of the spiral staircase on legs that felt unsteady, however, she could not ignore her instinct any longer. Something wasn’t right. Holding her breath, she slipped a hand underneath her skirts. When she brought her fingers up for inspection she found them stained with blood. It was not much but it was unmistakable. Esyllt stared at her hand in horror and then started to tremble. This was not her monthly courses, could not be. It could only be one other thing.

“No! No, no, no!” she whimpered.

What had she done? Surely a week of relentless riding was not the best thing she could have endured in her condition... And here was the result.

A noise made her lift her head and she found herself staring straight into Connor’s green eyes. He was standing by the door, a frown on his face. Lost to her despair, she had not heard his approach. For what felt like an eternity, they both looked at her hand, which was red with her blood.

“What the devil is—” he started.

“I don’t want to lose my baby,” Esyllt said, feeling as if she were about to faint. All thoughts of breaking the news gently to him vanished as she leaned on the table for support. There was only room for wild panic inside her. “I don’t... I can’t... Please. I don’t want to lose my baby.”

The floor opened under Connor’s feet. Baby? Esyllt was with child, and she was bleeding?

Oh, God.

He’d been champing at the bit all afternoon, desperate to go to her. Eventually, deciding she was rested enough for a discussion, he had elected to go and speak to her. At first, he had been relieved to see her already up and in the great hall. Relief had quickly morphed into horror when he’d seen the red stain on her hand.

Blood. Unmistakable. And now he knew where it came from.

In three strides, he had reached her. Cursing his earlier intransigeance, he swept her into his arms and carried her to the nearest bed, his own, in the chamber just behind. Against him he could feel her tremble, and heard her murmur to herself incessantly, as if by doing so she could to stave off tears. ‘My baby’ was all he could hear.

His baby, too.

Conceived that night he had thought they might be able to come up with an understanding, the only night they had made love. His baby, the baby he had fathered onto his wife, the woman he loved. And now he had endangered it by forcing its mother to come and find him hundreds of miles away from her home because he had been too proud, too stupid to relent and listen to her in three long months. No wonder she’d given up hope of a reconciliation. No wonder she had undertaken the dangerous journey. He should never have left her alone for so long, whatever his recriminations, he should have written at the very least, he should not have let her believe he cared nothing for her.

Well, now was not the time to think about all that. Now was the time to do what had to be done. He could drown in self-loathing later, once Esyllt had had the help she needed. He would not fail her a second time.

“Matthew!” he bellowed, feeling like a murderer. His brother appeared at the end of the corridor a mere moment later. “Go and get Mistress Annie in the village. Now!”

The woman had attended to his late wife and baby daughter the previous year. She would know what to do. He, by contrast, had never felt more powerless. Esyllt was lying on the bed, curled up in a ball, eyes closed. He came to lie beside her and took her into his arms, rocking her, murmuring soothing words into her ear.

“I don’t want to lose my baby,” was all she repeated, tears streaming down her cheeks. No other words passed her lips, and he was sure that no other thought crossed her mind. It was the same with him.

“I don’t want you to lose this baby, either,” he said, speaking against her temple. “I’m so sorry.”

His hands landed on top of hers, cradling her stomach, which still felt flat. He guessed she would have set off from Esgyrn Castle as soon as she had missed her courses, intent on telling him about it. In any case, he knew exactly when the babe had been conceived. No more than three months ago, in his bed. Not for a moment did he think to doubt her and attribute the paternity to an elusive lover.

At long length there was a knock and the door opened. Connor raised his head. Matthew was staring at him with a creased brow.

“Mistress Annie has arrived,” he announced cautiously.

His brother would be wondering why a midwife had been summoned. Then his eyes darted to Esyllt’s bloodied hand still cradling her stomach. He blanched when he realized what was going on.

“Let her in,” Connor said, standing up.

A plump woman wearing a crisp linen dress entered. She was smiling, which seemed almost sacrilegious to Connor. How could anyone smile right now?

“My lord, how can I help?”

Instead of answering, he turned to look at Esyllt, who had barely stirred. “Please, my wife,” was all he said.

The smile disappeared, replaced by a very welcome sense of focus. “I need a moment with her ladyship.”

Connor would have stayed but Matthew pulled him to the door. “Your wife will not thank you for it if you stay now,” he said gently. “This is woman’s work.”

“I have to stay. You don’t understand, it’s?—”

“It’s not your fault,” Matthew cut in immediately. “Come. Let the woman do what she does best. You can come back to see your wife afterward.”

He led him to the great hall and proceeded to pour him a glass of ale, then another when the first one was emptied in one gulp. Mercifully, he stayed silent all the while. There was nothing to say, nothing to soften the horror of what was happening. Then Jane burst into the room.

“Guess what. I’ve just shown Sian our bed and she immediately fell asleep on it. The travel was rather tiring for her, I suppose.”

Yes. It had been. For her and her mother. And now Esyllt might be paying for it with their baby’s life.

“Come here, sweetheart. I’ve missed you so much!” He almost crushed her in his arms, needing the comfort of her small body now more than ever.

“I’ve missed you, too. I’m sorry I wanted to stay at Castell Esgyrn instead of coming here with you. But you see, I did not know you would be gone for so long and Sian needed me. I could not leave her, not after what had happened to her.”

“What was that?” He frowned. What had happened to her? He’d not been told anything.

“She was taken by that horrid man Gruffydd to spend the night at his place and was left almost on her own. She’d thought Mother would be there at first, but there was only his niece, who was nowhere near as nice.” The little girl leaned in to whisper into his ear. “Do not tell her I told you as much, but she said she’d been rather afraid.”

Connor stole a glance at Matthew. The expression of horror on his face mirrored what he felt. Because now he understood everything. Esyllt had been blackmailed, and that was why she had handed him over to the Welsh rebels. Before abducting him, Gruffydd had abducted Sian, thereby forcing her to obey his instructions for fear she would never see her daughter again. Her betrayal had not been motivated by anything other than the need to save her child from harm, something any mother would do.

“Jesus,” Connor mouthed.

A moment later Jane was distracted by the arrival of her favourite greyhound, whom she hadn’t seen in months. While animal and child started to chase after each other in fits of giggles, Connor took Matthew to a corner of the room.

“You know something I don’t,” he immediately accused. After the initial shock, his brother’s face had gone ashen. He never went that color unless something was very wrong.

“Your wife received a letter the day before you were taken, just after Gruffydd met with her. He had come to see her that morning and they argued,” Matthew said slowly. “At the time I thought they had been plotting together but now I see that he was angry because she had told him to go to hell and he did not take it too well. Christ, how could I have guessed, though? I only understood two words of their heated conversation. Lord and Sheridan. I should really start to learn that barbaric language.”

Connor ignored the disparaging comment. “She told me on our wedding day that Gruffydd was the one behind our union, that he had all but forced her into it.”

Matthew nodded. “And now we know why. He wanted a way to get to you. I think that after months of pressure, she may have agreed to give it to him.” Though Connor threw him a warning look, he carried on. “But she changed her mind a few weeks into your marriage and decided not to play into Gruffydd’s hands after all, and the reason for it is obvious. She has fallen in love with you.”

Hearing such words in his dour brother’s mouth were startling, but Connor did not even think of teasing him. “I know she has. She told me so in Welsh that day, thinking I would not understand what she’d said. Fuck, Matthew, this is a disaster!”

He started to pace around the room, feeling like a prize fool.

Now he knew why Esyllt had not wanted him to go to her bed that night, why she had been so pale that day, why she had been unable to stop herself from telling him what she felt before he was taken. Obeying Gruffydd’s orders to open that postern gate had been the only way to get her daughter back, but it had killed her to do so. She would have died a thousand deaths knowing she was betraying him and very possibly sending him to his death, but she’d had no choice.

And he had abandoned her without even listening to her explanations!

“She was the one who told me where to find you,” Matthew said, his voice low. “As soon as Sian had been restored to her care, I imagine, she came to ask for my help, revealing the hide out where Gruffydd had taken you. It would have taken me days to find the place without her help.”

Connor froze, then very deliberately strode over to his brother. He only stopped when their foreheads were almost touching.

“And you never thought to tell me this before?” he asked in a low hiss. In all the weeks they had spent at Sheridan Manor, Matthew had let him think Esyllt had betrayed him, he had not thought of informing her of what she had done to help?

For the first time in his life, his brother had taken a decision he could not support, and the anguish he felt did not help him keep a cool head. With a curse, he sent his empty cup of ale crashing against the wall.

Matthew did not flinch, but he lowered his eyes.

“Forgive me. I did what I thought right, what was needed to protect you, because even if your wife loves you, she can still be a danger to you. People will use her to get to you.”

“Let them try!” Connor roared. “I care not! I would rather face a dozen Gruffydds than let anyone harm her child, touch a single hair on her head, or make her lose the baby she is carrying!” He was a man and a knight, he could defend himself. He had known what he was getting himself into when he had agreed to marry a Welsh woman, but Esyllt had not asked to be used thus, should not have been placed in that impossible situation.

She had been forced to marry a stranger and then to betray him when, against all odds, she’d fallen in love with him, all the while knowing he might never forgive her even if he survived the ordeal. It would have been agony.

And now she might be losing their child because he had refused to listen to her.

“Dear God, Matthew, can’t you see? I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her.”

“So it’s like that, is it? You love her too?” For the first time Matthew sounded unsure of having taken the right decision. “Then I’m sorry. Whatever I thought, I should have talked to you.”

Connor’s anger deflated. He could not blame Matthew, who had always been loyal, for wanting to protect him and doing what he thought was best. Besides, he was right in his reasoning. Loyal or not, Esyllt could be used to get to him. Matthew would be thinking in strategic terms, like a warrior, not a husband, he would only see her as a liability. He was not married and in love, so he had no idea how it felt. It made sense that he would not place anyone above his love for the brother he had grown with.

But he owed his loyalty to Esyllt. Not just because she was his wife, but because she was the woman he loved.

“Yes, I do love her. I have for a while now. And now through my fault...” He shook his head in despair. “How will I ever forgive myself if she’s hurt? How will I bear to lose another child?”

“It is I who will never forgive myself,” Matthew said slowly. “You have done nothing wrong, I’m the one at fault here, the burden will be mine to bear. Listen, I?—”

Mistress Annie walked into the room, cutting his declaration short. Connor’s heart went to his throat. What was she about to announce?

“Jane, come here, sweetheart.” Matthew immediately went over to the little girl and led her toward the courtyard. “We have a new foal you will want to see, born just after you left. Take Arnold with you,” he added, nodding at the dog. “The two of them are great friends, you know.”

Connor threw him a grateful glance. As usual, his brother was doing exactly what was needed.

As soon as they were alone, he turned to face Mistress Annie. “What news?”

“My lord, your lady wife requests your presence in the bedchamber.”

Requesting. So she was alive, she was conscious, she was not refusing to ever see him again. Life flowed back in his veins.

“Is the...” He rubbed a hand over his face and could not finish the sentence.

“Everything is fine. She only experienced some light bleeding. It can happen at these early stages, and she told me she spent days on the road. That might account for it. It doesn’t mean anything will happen, though. I can understand your worries, given what happened with your late wife but the new Lady Sheridan is a woman of uncommonly strong constitution. She will be just fine, as will the babe.”

It was only then that Connor realized the woman was smiling again. She wouldn’t be smiling if she were worried in any way. His knees almost buckled from under him. Everything was fine. Esyllt was asking after him, their baby was safe, he was not being told he had lost another child. Everything was fine.

“Oh, God,” he murmured.

“Go to your wife, my lord, she is most anxious to see you.”

“So am I. Thank you, Mistress Annie. You have given me my life back.”

“It was my pleasure.” She paused. “But I think I’m not the one who gave you your life back, my lord. Well, I’m glad at any rate. It was time someone did.”

He rushed out of the room.