Chapter Eight

“ASSHOLE.”

Hugh Donavan stood on Gideon’s doorstep with a thunderous expression that made him look like some kind of redheaded Viking god.

Any sharp response he wanted to come up with died on his lips. He was too tired to fight. Gideon stood back and swept his arm back in silent invitation for Hugh to come in.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hugh said as soon as he was over the threshold. He turned with his hands on his hips, glaring at Gideon with angry blue eyes that reminded Gideon of Noah and sent a fresh pang of longing through him. “Seriously, what is your problem? You’re surrounded by people who genuinely care about you, who want to be your friends, who might even love you, although God knows why with the way you treated him and you keep turning your back on them.”

Gideon ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends in frustration. “He left!” he shouted.

“You told him to leave!” Hugh yelled back.

“I….” Hugh was right. He was the one who told Noah to leave. “I came back to apologize, try to get Noah back. Then I thought, what if he says no and I’ve screwed up so bad this time that the Beast is all I’ll ever be.”

With a deep shudder, he took his next breath and suddenly found himself enveloped in Hugh’s arms, his body racked with sobs.

“Aw, come on, man. I didn’t mean to be so harsh.”

Gideon sniffed and stepped out of Hugh’s hug, wiping his eyes. “You weren’t. I deserved it. I’m trying to figure things out, myself out. When you’ve been doing the same thing for a really long time, it’s hard to let go.”

“I think there’s something better waiting for you if you’re willing to take the risk.”

“I don’t want to get traded again. I want to stay in Seattle,” Gideon blurted out.

“Okay,” Hugh said slowly. “I don’t think that’s anything you need to worry about now. You’re an asset to the team, and we’re happy to have you. We look forward to having you play with us for a lot more seasons.” Hugh pointed to Gideon’s leg. “Assuming you take care of yourself. And by taking care of yourself, I mean working with our training team and treating them with respect.”

“I owe them an apology.”

“You owe a bunch of people an apology.”

“One person in particular. Is…. How is he?”

“Hurt, sad, heartbroken.”

“It was only eight nights. I didn’t think he’d—I’d—fall so fast.”

“Love doesn’t have a timeline.”

Love.

Was that what this was? Did he love Noah? It was a simple question to answer. Yes. Gideon thought he’d found a place to call home, but it was Noah. Noah was his home. He’d found a place where he could let his defenses down, where he would be loved, and where his heart would always be full. Whatever he thought love was before, he didn’t know what it was really supposed to be until he met Noah.

“Is he going to forgive me for sending him away?”

“I can’t answer that. But I can say you’ll never know until you ask.”

“I have all these scenarios of what I should do running through my head, like plays for a game. I don’t know which one will be the one that scores the goal. Should I show up at the hospital? At his apartment?” Gideon paced. “I don’t even know where he lives. I don’t have his number. I have no idea how to do this.”

“I know where he lives, and I have his number. But I’m not going to give them to you. I think you’ve got to earn that information.”

“How do I do that?”

“I have an idea. I need to message a couple of people.” Hugh pulled out his phone, and his thumbs started flying over the keyboard. Gideon held his breath, watching. After a few moments Hugh’s phone pinged with messages coming in. He nodded as he read them, a smile growing. He eyed Gideon. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Whatever it takes.”

He put his hand on Gideon’s shoulder and gave him a little shake. “You need to get yourself cleaned up. It might be a good idea to shower and consider getting a haircut. You’re looking a bit rugged—not in a romantic way, more like a participant in a survival reality show kind of way.”

“Yeah, I should do that,” Gideon said, scratching at the hair on his face.

Hugh took in the state of Gideon’s apartment with a slight wince. “You should clean up around here too.”

The kitchen counter was littered with empty takeout containers, and the garbage was on the cusp of overflowing. He’d been a hermit since returning to Seattle, and he’d been so absorbed in wondering how to reunite with Noah that nothing else mattered. Seeing the apartment through Hugh’s eyes, he realized if Noah came over now it would send his OCD into overdrive.

“It’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”

Hugh wrinkled his nose. “I’m not gonna lie. It kinda smells. And you’ll want to make a good impression because Noah’s friends are coming over tomorrow night to meet you.”

Oh God, Hugh had set him up. He was going to face the firing squad. If he didn’t make a good impression on Noah’s friends…. Panic crept in. Or second or third positive impression. He looked down at the coffee stain on his T-shirt and the same sweatpants he’d been wearing for the last three days.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m a mess.”

“All fixable, Gid,” Hugh said quietly. “I have one more condition. You need to start therapy. I’m going to reach out to a friend who’s a sports psychologist and get a name for you.”

Gideon dropped his chin to his chest. Therapy was something he’d considered, but he didn’t know where to start or how to ask.

He nodded “Thanks, Coach.”

“Glad you’re back.”

Hugh gave him another hug and a slap on the back before leaving.

Gideon took a deep breath and headed toward the kitchen with determination. He spent two hours cleaning and reorganizing before he moved on to the rest of his apartment, thankful he’d opted for a small one bedroom. Satisfied the open kitchen and living room space were acceptable, he went to work on the bathroom and bedroom. Once he’d stripped the bed, he decided new bedding would be a nice touch, especially if he could convince Noah to come back here with him when he saw him again. A trip to the store resulted in new bedding and new towels, all bought with Noah in mind. What color would he like? Dark blue-gray or plain white? Gideon selected a dark blue shade that reminded him of Noah’s eyes. It evoked an image of Noah tied to the headboard, his blue eyes begging for more. A sheen of sweat broke out on his forehead, and Gideon found himself in the bedding aisle of the store with a raging hard-on.

HE SPENT the next day getting his apartment and himself into presentable condition. The next night, with his hair cut and his beard tamed and his face shaved, he stood in front of five pairs of eyes doing his best not to fidget. He wiped his palms on the new pair of jeans he’d bought and held his breath.

He’d expected his coworkers, but when his boss appeared on his doorstep, the seriousness of the moment hit him. Along with the owner of the Emeralds, Dan Prescott, Noah’s coworkers, Noelle, Holly, Joy, and Thanh, were sitting in his living room. Glaring at him. The charcuterie board and wine he’d offered sat untouched.

Gideon clasped his hands in front of him. “Thank you for coming. I know I’m not your favorite person at the moment.”

Thanh rolled his eyes with a scoff, earning a sharp elbow from Holly. “Shh. We’re giving him a chance,” she said in a harsh whisper.

“What I did was… horrible, and I’d like to apologize,” Gideon continued. Locking eyes with Thanh. “I know the only apology that really matters is the one I make to Noah, but I hope you will accept this one as well.”

“You really hurt him. Noah’s not okay, and we’re worried about him,” Noelle said while Holly and Joy nodded in agreement.

“I know.” He fisted his hands at his sides. “What I need to know is what I can do to make amends. I don’t think it would go over well if I showed up at the hospital. What should I do?”

Dane sat back with his arms folded over his chest. “How do we know you won’t turn into the Beast again? I’ve seen you do it, Gideon. Anytime you get backed into a corner, when you’re feeling unsure, the Beast comes out. I’ll be honest, I’ve considered asking for a trade and getting you off the team because of your shitty attitude. Thank Hugh for convincing me that underneath your bad-boy act, there’s a decent person hiding inside.”

Gideon drew in a shaky breath. “You’re right. I used my behavior to hide how I really feel. But I don’t want to hide anymore. Loving Noah is…. I can’t hide how I feel about him, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to hide my feelings anymore. I don’t want to act like an asshole to hide my anxiety. Not if it means losing someone I care about. Would it help my case if I told you I’ve made an appointment with the therapist Hugh found? And I didn’t do that for Noah. I did it for me. I don’t want to be scared all the time.” He turned his attention to Dane. “Every team I’ve ever played with, I’ve been in constant fear of being traded. I moved around a lot as a kid. I never really felt… rooted. If you trade me, I’ll retire. I’ll find something else to do because this is where Noah is, and he’s my home. I won’t leave.”

Dane’s eyes widened slightly, but it was the slight nod that gave Gideon hope. One by one, he looked each of his judges in the eye, waiting for their judgement.

Finally, Holly looked at the others and asked. “Well, what do you think?”

“You didn’t give him anything for Hanukkah,” Thanh said with a glare.

“That’s true,” Joy agreed.

The memory of all the little gifts Noah had made for him washed over Gideon. He wrapped his arm around his middle with a wince. He thought about what he could do and realized this wasn’t a problem he could use money to fix. There wasn’t anything he could buy that would be as precious as the pinecone menorah Noah made for him.

“Hanukkah’s over,” he said with a note of regret.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t make New Year’s special.”

Gideon considered what Noelle said. Hanukkah might be over, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make up for the gifts Noah gave him. The ones he never thanked him for. Gideon’s mind raced. There were two days until Christmas and another seven days until the new year. Could he let Noah know what was truly in his heart?

“HEY, NOAH, we’ve got a delivery for you.”

“Okay, thanks for letting me know.” Noah frowned as he finished up his chart notes from his last patient. What kind of delivery? He didn’t remember ordering anything that he would have had sent to the hospital. With his charting finished, Noah made his way to the security desk.

The two members of the security team sitting at the check-in desk grinned at him when Noah approached. One of them reached down and picked up a box wrapped with plain brown paper and tied with twine. He pulled out the envelope under the twine, studying his name neatly printed in black ink.

“Early Christmas present?” one of the team asked.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas,” Noah murmured, fingering the envelope.

“That’s right, I forgot. Well, maybe it’s a late Hanukkah present.”

“I suppose.”

Noah thanked them and went back to the physical therapy section. He was sitting at his station staring at the box when Holly came by.

“Whatcha got?” she asked, perching on the edge of his desk.

“I don’t know.”

Holly tiptoed her fingers across the top of the package and gently tugged on the bow. “What if you opened it and found out?”

She was right. There was no reason not to. Why was he hesitating? He grabbed the envelope, slipped his finger under the flap, and tore it open. It was a Hanukkah card. He laughed softly at the message on the front.

This Hanukkah Card Is So Belated It’s Embarrassing

(Please don’t tell my mother)

He held up the card to show Holly and discovered she’d slipped away. Noah opened the card, and his heart skipped a beat when he read the first line.

Please don’t throw this away. I know I don’t have the right to ask you for any favors, but please, don’t stop reading.

Noah put his fingers against his mouth, reading the first line over again. Did he want to keep reading? Before he could answer, Noah received notice that his next patient had checked in and was ready. The card and package were waiting for him when he returned to his desk at the end of the day. They would wait until he got home and could read them in private. He snuck glances at the package sitting in the passenger seat of his car on the drive home. Did Gideon think a fancy gift would make up for sending him away the way he did? The package sat on his dining room table untouched until Noah shed his scrubs, showered, and changed into a pair of worn jeans and his favorite sweater. It was one he’d made for himself, splurging on a light brown chunky tweed yarn with flacks of pale and dark blue. He’d spent weeks on the cable pattern with X’s and O’s. Noah picked up the box and card on the way to his sofa. Taking a deep breath, he opened the card and read the first sentence again before reading the rest.

I’m sorry. Writing those words, I know it’s not enough. I was cruel and I hurt you when that was the last thing I wanted to do. The eight nights of Hanukkah I spent with you were the best Hanukkah I’ve ever had. I don’t know why I ruined it. That’s a lie. I know why I did it, and I’m going to work on that in therapy. That’s the first thing I wanted to tell you. I had my first appointment with a therapist. I don’t want to be the Beast anymore. But that means I need to be able to admit when I’m scared. I’ll start right now. I’m scared you won’t forgive me. The therapist suggested I tell you this. I need to learn that it’s okay to share how I feel.

The second thing I wanted you to know is that if you forgive me, I’m going to spend every minute of the rest of my life loving you. I’ll probably do that anyway because I’m head over heels in love with you. I know it’s only been a week, but it’s true.

Happy belated Hanukkah, Noah. I hope you like your gift.

Love,

Gideon.

Noah clutched the card to his chest, blinking back tears. Gideon was in love with him. “Can I believe it’s real?” he said with a sigh. It didn’t make any sense; they’d been together for less than two weeks, but now he knew Gideon felt their connection as intensely as he did. Noah put the card aside and placed the box on his lap. He untied the bow with a smile, realizing Gideon was sending a message with the simple gift wrap.

You don’t need fancy gift wrap. It’s what’s inside that counts.

Gideon had listened. But that didn’t mean he was forgiven. Noah steeled his heart as he carefully unwrapped the brown paper, folded it, and placed the string on top. He opened the box and pulled back the tissue to reveal a small tote bag. At first glance, it didn’t appear to be anything special. He took the brown canvas bag with leather handles from the box and noticed the brass grommet at the bottom corner that could be used to feed the yarn without having to take it out of the bag. It was a knitting tote. The bag crinkled in his hands. He reached inside and discovered there were several wrapped items inside. One by one, he pulled them out and unwrapped them. Bright blue metal stitch markers, a pair of rosewood knitting needles, yarn, a pattern book. Noah ran his finger over the strip of blue metal and opened the book to a basic sweater pattern, marked with a blue heart-shaped paperclip and a note attached.

They said at the yarn store that you should never knit a sweater for your boyfriend because by the time you finish it you’ll break up. I was thinking since we already did the breakup, would you knit a sweater for me? I could pay you if you wanted. It’s selfish to ask, but I want to wear it when I’m at the cabin. Of course, it would be better if I could wear it at the cabin with you, but if that doesn’t happen, I can wear it and pretend I’m wrapped in your arms. This sounds dumb, doesn’t it? I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to decide if I should tear this up and start over, but I don’t want to hide how I feel from you. The women at the yarn store helped me pick out the yarn. I hope it’s okay. They said something chunky would be easy for you to knit. I told them you were a really good knitter. If you don’t want to knit anything for me (which I would totally understand), I tried to pick a color you would like too.

I think the boyfriend sweater-knitting rule is about trust. You trusted me and shared your strengths and weaknesses. I didn’t give you the same trust in return. Worse than that, I took the trust you gave me and threw it away. It took me too long to see that being in a relationship with someone you care about, someone you love, means sharing the good and the bad. I didn’t realize that before and I’m sorry.

Love,

Gideon

P.S. I don’t have your number or address, and none of your friends would give it to me. (I understand considering how I behaved.) I’m giving you my number. I don’t expect you to text or call, but if you did, I would answer. I’ll always answer you.

At the bottom of the page, Gideon wrote his number. Noah sniffed, blinking back tears that fell anyway. He picked up his phone and put it down again. Gideon’s gesture was… everything he could have asked for, but he would not jump back into Gideon’s arms no matter how good it felt when he held him. Noah closed his eyes and let his head fall back with a shudder. The memory of writhing naked, calling Gideon’s name as Gideon thrust into him, looking deep into his eyes, washed over him. Would he ever be able to let go and trust himself with anyone else? He didn’t worry about if he what he was saying or doing was right. With Gideon, Noah didn’t just trust him, he trusted himself.

Noah picked up the phone again. He wouldn’t call, but when someone gave you a gift, you should thank them, right? For the next twenty minutes, he wrote and deleted texts, unsure what he should say.

“Stop overthinking it. This is simple. All you have to say is thank you,” he muttered to himself.

Taking a deep breath, that’s what he typed out.

Thank you for the gift.

Three dots appeared instantly.

I’m glad you liked it. There’s a gift receipt in the box. You can return or exchange anything you don’t like.

I won’t.

Does that mean you’ll knit me a sweater?

Noah glanced toward the box. He ran his hand over the soft wool with a slightly silky sheen. The yarn Gideon chose was a pale gray-green color that reminded Noah of the moss on the trees and rocks in the woods that surrounded Gideon’s cabin. His fingers were already itching to cast on, but he wouldn’t tell Gideon that.

I haven’t decided yet.

Three dots appeared and disappeared so many times Noah started to second-guess himself. Had he been too harsh?

I shouldn’t have asked. It’s okay if you use the yarn for something else. I understand.

I don’t mind that you asked. The lady at the store was right. You’re not my boyfriend, so we can’t break up before I finish it.

The pause was so long before three dots appeared Noah thought that might have been the end of the conversation.

Maybe when it’s finished you can be my boyfriend?

That made it Gideon’s turn to watch the dots as Noah thought about what he wanted.

I’d like to be friends first.

I’ll never take for granted being friends with you.

Noah decided it would be best to end the conversation before his heart could be tempted any further.

Good night, Gideon.

Good night, Noah. Happy belated Hanukkah.

With a sigh Noah set his phone down. Gideon wasn’t only apologizing, he was sharing himself with Noah. He hadn’t allowed himself to hope that Gideon would find a place for him in his heart, and now that he was, Noah didn’t know how to feel. Happy? Hopeful? Afraid? Yeah, that one. The intensity of his feelings for Gideon came hard and fast, and now his world felt off-kilter. While all of those thoughts ran through his mind, Noah had unwrapped the knitting needles, taken a skein of yarn, and started knitting. Each stitch was like plucking the petals on a daisy. He loves me. He loves me not. Stitch after stitch, hope rose and fell.

The next morning Noah fingered the stitches at the bottom half of the sweater he’d stitched the night before. He’d chosen a classic garter stitch without any fancy cables or patterns. In his mind’s eye, he pictured the last detail that he’d add at the end. He carefully put his project in the new bag Gideon gave him and started getting ready for work. It was Christmas Eve, and he’d be working the next two days so that other staff members who celebrated the holiday could have time with their families. Noah enjoyed spending time with Holly, who also worked on Christmas. When he joined the hospital staff two years ago, he learned how Holly took extra care of kids who were in foster care during the holidays. Her own experience as a foster kid made her empathetic to their needs. Once Noah learned her story, he spent the year knitting hats and scarves or small knitted plushies to add to the books Holly gave as gifts to foster kids. With a basket filled with red and green gift bags and the rest of his gear, Noah headed to the hospital.

“DUDE, YOU look like you’re going to throw up.”

Gideon tried not to glare at his teammate Nick Anderson. He swallowed and tried to rearrange his expression so that he didn’t seem so… desperate. Gideon glanced toward the entrance again, happy to see there was a line of hospital employees and families taking advantage of Noah’s gifts.

When Noah appeared with a large basket of packages, the bag Gideon gave him over his arm, and a backpack on his back, Gideon resisted the urge to offer his help. He held back, watching Noah slow down and check out the food truck parked in front. He spoke to a parent standing in line for a moment. His eyes lit up with surprise, and he looked back at the food truck with a smile.

Nick clapped Gideon on the shoulder. “Good luck.” He gave Gideon a wink as he walked away.

The doors hissed open, and Noah walked in, his footsteps faltering when he noticed Gideon.

“Hi,” Gideon said with a little wave. His gaze roved over Noah, taking in the faint shadows under his eyes and the way his scrubs hung too loose on his body.

Noah stopped in front of him. “Hi.” His forehead crinkled. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here with Nick Anderson. We volunteered to visit with the kids. And… I wanted to give you your belated Hanukkah present.”

“Another one?”

“Eight nights, Noah,” Gideon said softly.

Noah’s mouth formed a perfect O. “You don’t have to do this,” he said.

Gideon reached out to brush an invisible piece of lint from Noah’s shoulder. “I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Do you like it?”

Noah wrinkled his forehead. “Like what?”

“My gift.”

“I don’t know what it is.”

Gideon gestured to the food truck. “This is for you.”

“You got a food truck to make sufganiyot for me?”

“Well, I figured it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to try to make them myself. I hope maybe we can try together someday, but for now….” He shook his head with a wry laugh. “I said I wasn’t going to use money to get you back. But that’s what I’ve done, isn’t it?”

“Yes and no.” Noah pointed to a mother and father kneeling down, laughing with their child as they wiped powdered sugar off their nose. “You made a lot of people happy today. You used your money for something good and selfless.” Noah’s mouth curved into a slight smile. “I’m giving you an exemption.”

“Did I make you happy?” Gideon asked, searching Noah’s face for any sign of hope.

“Gideon.” Noah drew in a shuddering breath. “You don’t have to do this.” He waved his hand toward the food truck. “With the gifts and everything. I’m not mad at you. Not anymore.”

“But you’re still hurt.”

Noah shrugged.

Reluctantly, Gideon stepped out of Noah’s way. “I should let you get to work.”

Noah tightened his grip on the strap of his messenger bag until the skin stretched tight over his knuckles. “Goodbye, Gideon,” he said, backing away.

Later in the day, he and Nick were coming out of a patient’s room when Gideon caught a glimpse of Noah, his back turned to them, walking down the hall.

“He looks thin,” Gideon murmured.

“Holly doesn’t think he’s been eating very well.”

“Do me a favor? Can you make sure he gets some sufganiyot from the food truck?”

Nick nodded. “I can do that.” Nick gave his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. “You’re doing good, Gid. Give him time.”

Gideon gritted his teeth. “I’m trying.”

The truth was, seeing Noah close enough to touch was driving him crazy. All Gideon wanted to do was drag Noah into his arms, tie him up, and kiss him until he knew without a doubt how much Gideon cared about him. He kept his distance at the hospital, wanting to be respectful of Noah’s workplace. But after only brief glimpses and conversations that didn’t go far beyond hello and goodbye, Gideon was becoming desperate for more. It was a minor victory when Noah smiled as Gideon gave him his third belated Hanukkah present on Christmas Day. Gideon had a greater appreciation for why you shouldn’t shop so close to Christmas. He got lucky, finding exactly what he wanted at the National Wildlife Federation online store. Thank God for overnight shipping. He added a large donation on top of his order in gratitude. Gideon held his breath, hoping he’d made the right choice. Noah’s eyes lit up when he pulled the two small iron pine-cone votive holders from the box.

Small steps, Gideon kept reminding himself. Something his therapist said at their first meeting. He’d made Noah smile, maybe even a little bit happy. If he wanted to win Noah’s trust and ultimately his heart, Gideon needed to use the same approach he did for a game—one play at a time.

The next day Gideon stood beside his car outside Noah’s building. With shaky hands, Gideon typed out a text. He hesitated, reading over his message.

Can you please put on something warm and come outside so I can give you your present? He hit Send and then started typing again.

P.S. Make sure you lock your door.

Gideon chewed on his lip, waiting for a response. After a few minutes, he added, I promise I’m not stalking you .

It seemed like it took forever before three dots appeared.

I’m on my way down.

Gideon exhaled a sigh of relief. He jumped out of his Jeep, pulled up at the entrance of Noah’s building, and waited, doing his best not to seem too eager when Noah came out. Wearing the green sweater he’d worn the day he showed up at Gideon’s cabin, Noah came toward him with his hands shoved into the pockets of a pair of worn jeans, the flannel lining showing where they were cuffed above a pair of brown Chelsea boots. His breath came out in little puffs in the crystal-clear, cold December air.

“Hi,” he said with a shy smile.

“Hey.”

“You said you had a present for me,” Noah said while Gideon stood there grinning at him.

“Oh, um, yeah, it’s….” Gideon rushed over to the passenger door and opened it, sweeping his hand toward the seat. “Hop in.” When Noah’s forehead wrinkled, Gideon added, “Your present is kind of an experience.”

Noah hesitated for a minute before he cautiously made his way toward Gideon’s Jeep. As soon as he sat, Gideon closed the door, ran around to the driver’s side, and got in.

“All buckled?” he asked.

Noah nodded.

“Heated seats. Set the temperature to whatever you want.” Gideon pointed to the controls on the dash while he pulled away from the curb. “We didn’t get to light candles on the last night of Hanukkah. It’s too late now, but I thought we could go for a drive and look at Christmas lights before they’re gone.” He pointed to the thermos tucked into a cup holder between the seats. “We’ve got hot chocolate, and there’s an insulated cooler with the makings for brisket sliders. I found this cool spot with an awesome view of the city not too far from the hospital. I thought we could have a picnic. Well, not an outside picnic, because I don’t want you to freeze, but we could have a car picnic. I have blankets in case you get cold. I know it’s not a gifty gift, but I thought it would be fun. Unless…. You don’t have a thing against Christmas lights, do you? I mean, you can be Jewish and still think they’re pretty, but if you don’t want to, we can—”

“Gideon, stop.” Noah put his hand on Gideon’s arm, putting an end to the flow of verbal diarrhea erupting from Gideon’s mouth. “I like looking at Christmas lights, and brisket sliders sound delicious.”

Gideon exhaled and steered toward his first stop on his Christmas-light tour.

“Candy Cane Lane.” Noah grinned when Gideon joined the line of slow-moving cars waiting their turn to drive through the two-block narrow lane of decorated brick Tudor-style homes.

“I’ve been wanting to come here since I first moved to Seattle and never got around to it,” Gideon said. “I think I was waiting for the right person to share it with.”

Noah turned away, looking out the window at the lights that cast shadows of blue, red, and green on his face.

“Were you happy when you found out that they traded you to Seattle?” Noah asked.

“Relieved,” Gideon sighed. “I’d gone through an ugly breakup in San Diego.”

“How long were you dating?”

“Almost two years. I was so desperate for a connection, for a relationship, I… it was a mess. Craig was a former NFL player, I thought both of us being professional athletes was enough of a foundation to build a relationship on. I can see now that we had nothing in common other than sex. Even that was…. I let Craig take charge, even though it wasn’t my preference.”

“So you bottomed for him even though that’s not what you like?”

Gideon’s jaw ticked. “I don’t mind it sometimes. With the right person. That wasn’t Craig.”

Noah reached for Gideon’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

“I’m working on it. Back at the cabin, you told me things about yourself, and I didn’t reciprocate. I was afraid you’d reject me.” He took a deep breath. “I’m always scared. I push people away because it’s easier than getting comfortable with someone and then having them end up leaving me.”

“I know.” Noah squeezed his hand.

“And that’s why I panicked and made you leave,” he confessed, turning onto another street filled with light.

“I know,” Noah repeated.

They spent an hour driving around admiring houses before Gideon took them to a small park on a bluff. From there, they had a perfect view of the Space Needle, downtown, and the University of Washington in the foreground.

“Give me a minute,” Gideon said, backing into a parking spot. He jumped out, opened the back of his Jeep, and folded the rear seat down to create a flat space. He set the cooler, down blankets, and throw pillows he’d brought to one side and called out to Noah. “You can come back now.”

Noah came around while Gideon fussed, spreading out a blanket for them to sit on. “Are you going to be warm enough?”

“You have enough blankets and pillows. I don’t think we have to worry about being cold.”

Gideon joined Noah, hoisting himself onto the back of the Jeep. He reached for the cooler and opened it as the savory smell of brisket filled the air. “Still warm, good. I was worried.” A carton of coleslaw in a light vinaigrette dressing joined the container of brisket. Gideon pulled out a box of light fluffy rolls, along with silverware, plates, and napkins. “Can I make you one?”

Noah’s stomach grumbled in response.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Gideon chuckled as he split open a roll and piled brisket and coleslaw onto the bread.

“These are amazing,” Noah said with a small moan around a bite of slider.

While they ate, Gideon pointed out different landmarks. Learning which ones Noah had visited and making a mental list of the ones Noah hadn’t gone to for future date ideas. Waterfront Ferris Wheel, Smith Tower, and the Ballard Locks; Gideon planned to kiss Noah at the top of the Ferris Wheel, on the observation deck of the Smith Tower, and while they watched the boats raise and lower in the narrow canal that separated the sound from Lake Union.

“Gideon.” Noah set down the mug of hot chocolate he’d been sipping after dinner. He clasped his hands in his lap. “I think we should kiss.”

Gideon sucked in his breath and choked on his sip of cocoa. “What,” he sputtered. Had he said what he was thinking out loud? Did Noah really say he wanted a kiss?

Noah thumped him on the back. “I think I want you to kiss me.”

“Are you sure?” he croaked.

Noah nodded. Gideon jumped down from his seat and started jogging in place, shaking his hands and stretching his neck.

Noah watched him with a mixture of confusion and amusement. “What are you doing?”

“Warming up,” he panted. “You don’t go in with only a few minutes left in the second half with a big play at stake without being properly warmed up.” Gideon swung his arms back and forth a few times before he went back over to Noah and gently pulled his legs apart so he could fit between them. He reached up and cupped Noah’s cheek, brushed his thumb over his jawline. “Are you ready?”

“I… yes,” Noah said in a shaky whisper.

Gideon took Noah’s face in his hands and ghosted his lips over Noah’s. He inhaled the scent of hot chocolate, and Noah enveloped him in a hug right before his lips covered Gideon’s.

He was holding Noah in his arms, kissing him again, and it was even better than before.

“GIDEON, I think I want you to kiss me.”

The words came out before he could stop them. For the last hour Noah had been wondering if the chemistry, the connection he thought they’d shared at the cabin, was real. He needed to know, and the only way to find out was to kiss Gideon again. Only he couldn’t bring himself to make the first move.

Noah watched in bewilderment and then with amusement as Gideon went through his warm-up routine. When Gideon finally came over and took Noah’s face in his hands, his heart stuttered. Gideon’s breath was warm, tinged with the smell of hot chocolate. His stomach dipped in that moment before Gideon’s lips were on his. And then everything settled. Gideon’s kisses were amazing before, but now Noah experienced what it was like when he wasn’t holding any part of him back. Gideon moved closer, one hand dropping from Noah’s face to grasp Noah’s thigh, pressing it against Gideon’s hip. Gideon kissed Noah slowly and gently, occasionally abandoning his lips to kiss his cheeks and jawline. Each kiss claimed Noah and left no doubt that Gideon wanted him.

When Gideon finally stepped back, his eyes searched Noah’s, and his mouth bore a worried slant. “Well?”

Noah nodded, swallowing past the knot in his throat. “Okay, we can get back together. Can we go home now so we can have sex?”

Gideon froze for a second and then slowly shook his head. “I can’t.”

Noah’s heart sank. Had he misread Gideon’s feelings? Was the kiss that made Noah feel whole and complete just another kiss for Gideon?

“Sweetheart.” Gideon caressed his cheek. “Stay with me. Don’t let your mind get ahead of us. There’s nothing I want more than to go home with you. If I could, I’d take you back to the cabin and keep you tied up while I worship every inch of your body.”

Noah sighed, leaning deeper into Gideon’s palm. “Let’s go now.”

Gideon smiled at the same time as he shook his head again. “I need you to give me forty-eight hours. I want you to be sure.”

“Gideon, I—”

“No, Noah. I hurt you. I’m working on myself, but I don’t know if the Beast won’t come back again.” He took a deep breath. “I want this to work. I want us to work, and if that’s what’s going to happen, I need to be sure I haven’t pushed you into anything. That means I need to give you time.”

Noah wanted to argue. He didn’t want Gideon to be so… rational. In this moment, he wanted his growly Beast back. The one who claimed him with his kisses. With Gideon, Noah felt… confident, supported, and loved.

“Please,” Gideon begged. “Sweetheart, do this one thing for me, for us.”

Noah nodded. “Okay.”

Gideon wrapped his arms around Noah again and pulled him into a hug that squeezed all the air out of his lungs. Then he kissed him, breathing new life into him.

“Stop kissing me like that if you want me to go away,” he said in a breathy whisper when Gideon nipped at Noah’s lower lip.

Gideon pressed his forehead against Noah’s. “I don’t want you to go away. I want to make sure you’ll stay.”

They packed up their picnic, stopping for brief kisses and longer heated ones. Gideon held Noah’s hand across the center console on the drive back to Noah’s building. Gideon didn’t go into Noah’s apartment, but he did walk him to his door. They ended up making out until they were both breathless.

“Forty-eight hours, Noah.” Gideon brushed his thumb over his lips. “Hey, if the Maccabees can make a small drop of oil last eight nights, we can wait two days.”

“It will definitely be a miracle,” Noah said, pouting.

Gideon laughed softly and pressed a kiss to Noah’s forehead. “I’ve recently become a big believer of miracles.”

“DELIVERY,” HOLLY called out in a singsong voice the next day. She held up a small box wrapped in bright blue paper and tied with a slim piece of silver ribbon. Holly pulled his present out of his grasp when he reached for it. “Oh no you don’t,” she said, waggling her finger. “I need details. You’ve gone from looking like it was the end of the world to daydreaming at your desk with a goofy smile on your face.”

“Do you want to call Noelle and Joy for this?”

“Don’t be cocky. Besides, I tried. They’re both busy. I’ll fill them in later.” Holly perched on the edge of Noah’s desk. “Spill it.”

“I… we… I love him.”

“We already knew that.”

“Gideon is making us wait for forty-eight hours. He insists I need time to be sure I want to be in a relationship with him.”

Holly raised her eyebrows. “He’s adulting. I’m impressed.”

“I don’t want to wait.” Noah pouted.

“Gideon’s right, though. He hurt you. You walked around here like a zombie for days. We’ve all been so worried about you. Do you trust him, Noah? With your heart?”

“I know there are valid reasons why I shouldn’t, but I do. I know he’s grumpy and stubborn and—” He bit down on his lip, trying not to grin. “—he’s scared. Gideon is so scared of being abandoned that he pushes everyone away. He wants to be loved, and he should be loved, and I’m the person who can love him the best. And he’s the first person who’s ever believed I was capable of that.”

Holly sniffed. “I’m so happy for you,” she said in a teary voice, throwing her arms around him. “Sorry I held your gift hostage.” She handed Noah his gift when she let go.

“Thanks for caring and being such a good friend. I already thought I knew what my decision was, but now I know for sure.”

“Do you want me to give you some privacy so you can open your gift?”

Noah arched an eyebrow. “Really, like you weren’t going to hide around the corner and watch?”

“Busted,” Holly said with a wry smile.

Noah tugged at the ribbon and slipped his finger under the tape holding the paper together. He opened the box to find a small velvet pouch nestled in a bed of tissue paper. Then he opened the pouch and dropped the contents into his hand.

The faces of the pewter dreidel were laser cut with an intricate design of trees and birds, with Hebrew letters spelling out Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li —I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine—scattered among the leaves.”

“That’s beautiful,” Holly gasped.

Noah noticed a sliver of bright gold peeking out from the tissue in the box. Pulling the tissue out farther he found two bags of gelt, chocolate coins wrapped in silver and gold foil, and a note.

Noah,

I hope we can have a rematch. We can play for candy or … maybe we can play for something better. How about a game of strip dreidel? That way we both win.

Noah brushed his thumb over the little winky face Gideon had drawn at the end of the sentence. Even that small gesture was another sign. Would the Gideon he met a few weeks ago have done something like draw a winky face? Holly answered the unspoken question.

“Aww, he drew a little winky face,” she said, reading the note over his shoulder. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile more than once or twice, and now he’s drawing winky faces. I bet the next note will have little hearts drawn on it.” She put her hands up and started backing away when Noah folded the note and glared at her. “Okay. I’ll give you and your love note a little privacy.”

The minute he was alone, Noah opened the note again.

This dreidel reminded me of our time at the cabin. I can’t wait to take you there in the summer when everything is lush and green and we can camp out under the stars.

xoxo

Gideon

Noah grabbed his phone and typed a message to Gideon.

Thank you for the gift. I love my dreidel. Remember, I’m a dreidel champion, I hope you’re prepared to strip.

Gideon’s response came almost as soon as Noah hit Send.

I’m counting on it.

NOAH WAS a ball of nervous energy by the time their forty-eight hours were up.

Gideon’s seventh gift was delivered by Joy.

“I’m not going to be as nosy as Holly,” she announced with a smug smile.

Noah narrowed his eyes, studying her for a moment. “You wouldn’t deliver it unless Gideon told you what it was.”

“I can’t believe you would accuse me of such a thing,” she said with overly dramatic mock outrage.

“Drama queen.”

“Pageant queen,” she shot back.

“Good thing dramatic readings weren’t your talent,” he called out when she turned to leave, laughing when she flipped him off over her shoulder.

The gift was a LeCreuset dutch oven. Noah gasped when he opened the box. It was part of a special collection made in support of the LGBTQ+ community. The classic white design had a swirl of tiny hearts in a rainbow ombre. Noah had coveted it since the collection was released, but the price was far too much for his budget. When he opened the lid, he found a rainbow dish towel and spoon rest. There was a recipe card attached to the note.

Noah,

You are an amazing cook. I didn’t say thank you for all the meals you made for me. Thank you. My mom doesn’t cook, but I had a nanny who used to make an Italian white-bean soup that I’ve always remembered. I looked her up and reached out to ask for the recipe. Lucia was so happy to hear from me. I realized I did to her what I did to you.

Lucia invited us to visit. I hope I can introduce you to her someday.

xoxo

Gideon

P.S. I thought it would be fun if we could make this recipe together.

YOU’RE SPOILING me , Noah texted.

I like spoiling you. I’ve never spoiled anyone before, but I think I’m pretty good at it.

You’re very good at it.

I miss you.

Can I give you my answer now so I can see you?

This isn’t a punishment, Noah. If you show up tomorrow night that’s it. I’m not letting you go again. I’ll worry I persuaded you to be in a relationship you’re not sure about.

Your kisses are pretty persuasive . Noah smiled as he typed.

His phone flashed a second later with Gideon’s name.

“Noah, I’m being serious. I don’t want you to have any doubts or regrets.”

The worry in Gideon’s voice softened Noah’s smile. “I won’t. I don’t, Gideon.”

Gideon sighed, and then the cockiness in his voice returned. “So my kisses are persuasive?”

“Nope, we are not going to talk about this. And don’t think you’re going to be able to use your seductive kisses when you get into trouble.”

“I will get into trouble, Noah.” Gideon’s voice held a note of pain and uncertainty.

“So will I. We’ll have fights, Gideon. That’s part of life.”

“I never want to hurt you again.”

“But you might. Just like I might say or do something that hurts you. We’ll talk it through.”

“And then kiss and make up?”

Noah chuckled. “Yes, and then we get to kiss and make up.”

“Can we skip the talking part and go straight to the kissing and making up?” Gideon sounded like a hopeful child wanting ice cream before dinner. Then Gideon gave a quiet huff and added, “I have to go. All this talk about kissing is making me horny.” He groaned. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Noah.”

“You’ll see me tomorrow, Gideon.”

“As cute as you are, staring at your phone with a goofy smile on your face, we’ve got patients.” Holly stood in front of him with a wide grin. “It’s good to see you smiling again, Noah.”

“Thanks, Holly. You’ve been a good friend to me. I’m sorry I’ve had you so worried lately.”

She bumped his shoulder on their way to the treatment rooms. “Seems like you’re going to have a happy new year.”

Noah’s face heated. “I’m definitely planning on kissing someone at midnight.”