3. Karmen

3

KARMEN

A soft muzzle brushed my cheek. Maybe a dog. It couldn't be though. My mind insisted that was impossible. There weren't any dogs here. There weren't any animals of any kind. I knew that to be true. Though I had no idea where I was exactly.

I forced my eyes open but there wasn't any dog nearby. Just a shape walking away in the darkness. A man. I didn't know who he was. Tall, broad shouldered. I opened my mouth to call after him—but who was he? Could I trust him? What had happened?

I distinctly smelled the fur of some kind of wild animal. An image filled my head of a massive furry black beast trotting on four legs. Wolf. Until that moment, I didn't realize I even knew such a thing existed, let alone the word for it.

I tried to lift my head, but it felt like it weighed a ton. Pain splintered through my skull. I stilled my movements and focused on my body. Quick movements might injure me further, or worse, bring punishment.

They'll be here soon.

Wait. My brain stuttered. Confused. They... who?

I didn't know. I just felt an overwhelming sense of urgency. Something wasn't right. I wasn't safe. I would never be safe.

Lights flashed, making me flinch. I braced for pain and fury. Light was bad. I knew that much.

And then it dawned on me.

It was dark. Like actually fucking dark.

It never got dark in...

I waited for the name to pop into my head, but I couldn't remember. My brain felt like a ten-thousand-piece puzzle that had been stirred up and dumped out across the world Pieces were missing. I could feel the holes like haunted bits of myself that were there but faded, weak and empty. A bare shadow of what I had once been. Or maybe what I had supposed to be. Before...

Someone came toward me. I strained my senses, trying to decide if he was a friend or foe in this unfamiliar place of darkness. The lights hadn't hurt me. Somehow I knew that was important.

"Yeah, I've got a body," the man said. "Checking for any signs of life."

He started to reach toward me, and I flinched away, though it made my body scream in pain.

"Hey, it's alright." He held his hands up soothingly. "I'm here to help. I'm Detective Harris with Chicago PD."

It was so strange to be able to understand his words—but have no idea what he meant. "Where am I?"

"Chicago," he repeated, as if that should mean something to me. "Can you tell me your name? Who put you here? What happened to you?"

My name. Words bubbled up inside me, but my instincts told me to be cautious. I still had no idea who he was. "Karmen."

"Karmen, great. Do you know what happened to you?"

I closed my eyes, fighting to control the sudden surge of terror inside me. Pain flared through me in waves, some real, but some remembered. So much pain. Endless agony.

I must have drifted off into unconsciousness again. My eyes fluttered open, catching snatches of movement. A new face. A woman. She wore a simple blue shirt and pants. Some kind of uniform, I thought, but the word didn't connect in my brain.

The color was so beautiful. I couldn't remember seeing such soft, pretty colors. Like flowers. Or... the sky. A memory flickered, a hint of blue sky and some kind of tree with green oval leaves. I'd climbed those trees when I was very small and picked strange little berries off of them. Not berries. That wasn't the right word.

Olives.

The woman had a nice face and soft hands as she touched me, pressing cold instruments to my skin. Had anyone ever touched me so carefully? Without pain? I didn't think so. Not since I'd been that child climbing an olive tree.

I opened my eyes again and I was moving, on my back, staring up at lights that blurred with our speed. More people crowded around me. Their mouths moved, but I couldn't hear them. Or rather, I heard the noise of their words, but I couldn't understand the meaning. What was wrong with me?

I felt so... thin. Weak. Unsubstantial. I couldn't remember how I'd gotten here, or even where here was. But it was important. I had to remember. Before.

Before they came to bring me back. Back to pain and torture and endless light.

I closed my eyes again, reveling in the peace of darkness in my own head. Sleep, quiet—a miracle I hadn't known in so long. One didn't dare sleep there. It was impossible. The sun was too bright. Too painful.

But where had I been? Why couldn't I remember?

"Karmen? Can you hear me?"

I forced my eyes open. A young man stood beside me, studying some papers on a clipboard in his hand. He wore a white coat that for a moment made me flinch. But light didn't bounce off the whiteness of his coat or cause me any pain. It didn't sear my eyes. It was just... white. A color. Not pain.

Amazing.

He looked up and smiled at me. "Excellent. I'm Dr. Mason. Do you remember what happened?"

I grimaced and shook my head gingerly. At least it didn't feel like my skull as going to break apart this time.

"Did someone hurt you?"

I didn't answer, but he read the careful blankness on my face and nodded. "We're going to run a few tests to see what's wrong. You barely had a pulse when they brought you in, so we've already started you on an IV. Your blood pressure was nearly non-existent, so we're most worried about internal injuries."

He laid the clipboard on the bed beside me. "Is it alright if I touch your abdomen to see if you have any tenderness or swelling?"

I tightened my jaw but nodded. Bits of a nightmare flashed through my mind. Blazing fire wrapped around my midsection. A foot slamming into my side. My head. Not a normal foot or even a boot.

I clearly saw a skeleton in my head with fire flickering around the bones. My heart pounded and the room spun around me. My eyelids fluttered and I started to float away.

"Hey, now, easy. Stay with me, Karmen. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise. I called for a female doctor, but she's in surgery at the moment. It'll take her an hour or two to come check you, and by then it'll be too late. I can see if a nurse is available, if that would help?"

Panting softly, I focused on him. His kind words. His face. There was something important about the way he looked at me. Something that I needed to remember. "It's okay," I finally managed to rasp out. "I'm not scared of you."

He pulled on some gloves before gently laying his fingers against my stomach. I glanced down my body, surprised to find a blue cloth wrapped around me. It was some kind of clothing, I thought, but it was entirely shapeless. The blue was faded, as if it was very old. But it was still lovely. Color. I didn't think I'd ever get tired of seeing something other than gold.

Another image flickered in my head. Shining, brilliant, blinding gold as far as my eyes could see. Burning with painful brilliance. So bright that it was pure agony to look at, but there wasn't anywhere else to turn my gaze. Even with my eyelids squeezed shut, that light still invaded and burned my retinas.

I pushed the memory away and focused instead of the man's gentle probing. The stroke of his fingers was purely clinical and non-personal. Sure and confident but gentle, he pressed carefully, watching my face to see if I showed any sign of pain. He tested each rib and my lower abdominal area. Nothing hurt. In fact, I couldn't remember ever being so not in pain.

"Well, that's a good sign," he said cheerfully as he stripped off the gloves. "I don't sense any swelling that leads me to suspect that you need emergency surgery. Though your extremely low blood pressure and weak pulse is concerning. Have you been ill?"

"I'm never ill," I replied automatically. Then I realized what I'd said, and my eyebrows shot up with surprise. "I don't know how I know that, but I'm not ever sick. I'm as sure of it as I am that my name is Karmen."

"Do you know your last name? Or surname?"

I lowered my lashes slightly, veiling my eyes. Instinctually, I knew not to answer that question. My surname was important in some places. It might actually get me killed.

"I see." He smiled slightly, not offended that I'd declined to answer. "Well, it's not important for now, though I'm sure the police officer who called for an ambulance will likely want to explore your background a little more thoroughly."

He waited for my response, as if expecting me to be afraid or worried. I wasn't sure why. The only thing that would make me afraid was if that skeleton thing suddenly appeared.

That would be very, very bad indeed.

"Try to get some rest while we wait on the labs. Can I get you anything?"

My stomach growled so suddenly and loudly that I jumped, startled by the ferocious grumble. He laughed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't approve any food at the moment in case we do need to whisk you to surgery. But I can have a nurse bring you some ice chips."

I wasn't sure what that was, exactly, but I nodded. Anything to get him to leave. He stepped outside the room and I relaxed a little bit. I looked around the room, trying to place the location. It was so strange to see things but not immediately remember the words. It was like learning how to talk all over again. Nothing was familiar.

Like the cloth I wore. I could recognize it as some kind of clothing, but it was so completely foreign and odd. The color. The material. Wherever I'd been, we didn't have anything like this.Strange machines beeped beside me, numbers flashing, tubes pumping something into my arm. It was clear, so I wasn't sure what it was. I did feel a little better, more alert and less likely to float away, so it was evidently helping. But I still felt like I was stretched too thinly. I could feel the weight of my body pressing down against the cushions and pillows beneath me, but it didn't feel real or substantial.

The room itself was mostly made of some kind of clear material. I could see people walking by and hear their low voices through the open doorway. More material hung from the ceiling to provide privacy. I reached out and pulled the material closer, studying the pattern. Green, like those olives I vaguely remembered, dotted with diamonds. So simple, but incredible to me. I couldn't recall ever seeing something like it before.

I lay back and closed my eyes. Deliberately, I tried to picture myself. My face. What color were my eyes? What color was my hair? I didn't know. I tried to picture myself in clothing. Maybe something like the doctor had been wearing. Pants. The word made sense suddenly. I knew what they were, but I couldn't imagine myself wearing them. Maybe I always wore a... gown. Dress? Yes, that was a better word. But I still couldn't picture myself at all.

Focusing on each breath, I tried to still the tumult inside me. Peace. Quiet. I was in a place of safety, though I didn't know where or how. I was no longer in a place of danger. I still didn't know where I'd been, only that it had been very bad. A place that I would do anything to stay out of. I concentrated on each inhale and exhale, letting my muscles relax one by one. Tension strained inside me. Desperation. Anxiety. I needed to flee, my body was sure of it. Something bad was coming.

I wasn't sure how long I lay quietly, trying to control my anxiety, butI knew the doctor had returned even without opening my eyes. I felt him. Like an energy force, a slight disturbance of air against my skin that told me something approached. Then I smelled him. The hot liquid that he'd guzzled a few minutes ago, even though it tasted bitter on his tongue. The greasy round thing he'd indulged in earlier. My brain substituted an image automatically, the young man holding a large sandwich of some kind in both hands. Onions. Pickles. Ketchup.

I didn't even know what those things were. But I knew he'd eaten them.

How is this possible?

My breathing quickened, short and shallow. I started to shake. There had to be something I was missing. Something I didn't understand. It was so important. My safety depended on it, but the harder I tried to understand the jumble of sensations flooding my head, the less it made sense.

A strange metallic sound made my eyes fly open. I watched as the doctor pulled the privacy curtain shut, metallic rings rattling overhead. Then he sat down in a chair I hadn't even noticed beside the bed. He hadn't done any of this before. Tests. He'd said they'd drawn blood. Maybe there was something seriously wrong with me?

"Um..." He hesitated, clearing his throat. His eyes were wide, his pupils dilated. His pulse thumped rapidly in his throat. I could hear the sound as if it was my own heartbeat. Maybe he knew the things that were after me? Though he didn't seem afraid, exactly. More excited than anything. "I don't know how to ask this. It's... crazy. There has to be some mistake. But I asked the lab to run the tests again. I put a rush on it. And they came back exactly the same."

I stared at him, stilling my own reactions. My face softened. I could feel each muscle smoothing as if a mask was slipping up over my cheeks. A veil dropped before my eyes. Almost like that green curtain, but this was gray. Numb.

It dawned on me that I was hiding inside my own body. It was almost like I'd withdrawn my soul or spirit deeper inside me, leaving only an outer shell that could barely function. A doll. Or puppet. Something not alive. As easily and automatically as I'd done it, I must have been forced to withdraw like this a great deal.

"Are you human?"

I blinked slowly. The word hung in the air between us. Human.

That was it. That was the piece of understanding I'd been missing. There wasn't anything wrong with me. He was the one who was different. He was human. Less, honestly. I didn't mean it to be a slur, but he was less powerful. Literally, his life force wasn't as vital and strong as mine, even though I'd evidently been near death.

He leaned closer, bracing his elbows on his knees. Keeping his voice low, he rattled off the results. "You were clinically dead according to the EMTs who brought you in. You didn't have a pulse, even though you were semi-conscious. The first time we tried to draw blood, we couldn't find any. Your veins collapsed immediately. You didn't have a measurable blood pressure. That's impossible, right? But I thought maybe you were one of those near-death miracles. That you were going to come back raving about the bright light..."

I flinched, drawing back involuntarily. "No. Please. I can't go back to that."

"You saw it? A bright light?"

I closed my eyes, shuddering. "Yes. The sun always shines there. It's so bright that everything is agony."

He frowned, shaking his head slightly. "That's not right. It's not supposed to be like that. Heaven is paradise. Not agony."

"I wasn't in heaven, doctor." I swallowed hard and I felt moisture pooling in my eyes. "I was in hell."