Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

T he only good thing to come out of the short time Samuel and Alicia spent in that pantry was that now, Alicia was avoiding him, too. Samuel hadn't seen her in the two days that had passed since then—not even a glimpse of her at dinner, as she had somehow roped Katherine into eating with her later, despite Gavin's insistence that they should at least make an appearance at dinner.

Samuel had assured him it was fine if the girls preferred to eat later. If anything, it was a relief that he didn't have to see her.

On the other hand, he couldn't help but worry. His concern bubbled up inside him every time he thought about her, which was more often than not those days, though he kept true to his word and didn't approach her. He only tried to ask Gavin, whenever he thought he could, if she was doing well.

At least the dreams had stopped, he thought, as he woke up that morning. He couldn't claim to be well-rested. He had tossed and turned all night, sleep evading him for hours and hours until he finally managed to slip into unconsciousness. When he dressed and caught a glimpse of himself in the looking-glass, he saw the dark circles under his eyes, the fatigue that had settled in his features, the blue of his eyes dulled and lifeless.

I cannae allow this any longer. This is insanity!

He was losing his mind. He was losing his mind over something he shouldn't have done in the first place. Could it be that he was already paying for the sins he had committed? Could this be divine retribution for what he had done?

Shaking those thoughts out of his head, Samuel made his way to the great hall, knowing that he would either find Gavin there or that he could break his fast while waiting for him to wake. When he walked through the door, though, he saw not only Gavin, but also his advisor, Nerian, the two of them laughing boisterously over a small feast spread on the table.

And they were not alone. Alicia and Katherine were also there, both of them falling quiet when Samuel entered the room.

She has told her sister. O' course she has. They share everythin'.

Samuel bit the inside of his cheek, trying to hide the tremor in his hands as he took a seat next to Nerian, as far from Alicia as he could. The only thing that gave him some comfort was the fact that Alicia seemed eager to ignore him, acknowledging him with a small bow of her head before she turned back to her sister without saying a word to him.

It was better this way, he told himself. With time, it would all pass for them both.

Dragging his attention away from Alicia, Samuel turned to look at the new arrival. Nerian seemed to dwarf the chair where he sat, his bulk taking up every inch of space, and his blue eyes shone with mirth as he turned to look at Samuel—a mirth Samuel himself couldn't share.

"There ye are!" Nerian said, greeting him with a pat on the shoulder. Samuel couldn't recall a time when they were formal with each other, at least outside of situations that demanded it. Ever since the MacDougall Clan had taken Nerian in as a young child, he had been like a little brother to Samuel. "Ye look terrible."

"Thank ye, Nerian," Samuel said with a fake, tight smile. "Yer comments are entirely unnecessary."

Grabbing an apple from the spread, Samuel bit into the fruit. Nerian momentarily turned back to his plate but the relentless scrutiny of his stare didn't cease as he once again looked at Samuel.

"What?" Samuel growled.

"Ye truly look terrible," Nerian said. "The air here doesnae agree with ye."

"There's naething wrong with our air," said Gavin.

"I'm only concerned about the clan," said Samuel, which wasn't entirely untrue. Even though he had left it in capable hands, those of his council, he always worried when he was away and Nerian's sudden arrival did nothing to dispel those fears. "Why are ye here?"

"Well…" said Nerian and Samuel immediately knew the news couldn't possibly be good. "Colm MacLaine's men have been seen near our lands."

"Colm MacLaine's?" Samuel asked with a frown. There had been some tension lately between their clans, but if Laird MacLaine was sending spies and soldiers to his lands, then the situation had quickly escalated. And there Samuel was, lingering in Castle MacCallum and agonizing over every single mistake he had made with Alicia. "This has been confirmed?"

"Och aye," said Nerian. "We havenae captured any o' them but they've been identified. I've sent men tae the borders tae guard the areas an' report any suspicious behavior."

"Dae ye think there is a chance o' attack?" Gavin asked.

"Perhaps," said Nerian. "There is nae way tae tell yet."

"I'll return with ye on the morrow," said Samuel. What other choice did he have? He didn't want to leave his clan without its laird if MacLaine's men were near, even if there were no plans of attack.

It would be better for Alicia, too, for him to be away. He wouldn't be intruding in her own home anymore and she wouldn't have to go to all the trouble of avoiding him.

When Alicia heard that Samuel would be leaving on the following day, she gasped, lips parting to protest, but before she could, a kick landed on her shin under the table. She bit her lips hard, trying to stifle the groan of pain as she glared at Katherine across the table, knowing her to be the culprit.

Though she didn't want to admit it, Katherine was right kicking her. She shouldn't say anything on the matter. She shouldn't complain about Samuel's departure.

Alicia drummed her fingers on the edge of the table, glancing between her father, her sister, Nerian, and Samuel—her father next to her at the head of the table and the rest across from her, with Samuel at the very end, as if the mere thought of sitting next to her was too terrible to bear. Revolting , he had said. The word still rang out in Alicia's mind, no matter how much she tried to quiet it.

She shouldn't say anything. She should keep her mouth shut.

She couldn't. Parting her lips to protest again, Alicia was silenced once more though this time, it wasn't a kick that stopped her.

A wail of pain left her father's lips and he reached down, rubbing his leg under the table. Across from Alicia, Katherine had turned a bright shade of red, her face an expressionless, frozen mask as she realized she had kicked the wrong target.

"Gavin?" Samuel asked, tone tinted with concern.

"Alright," her father said, sitting up straight and looking between Alicia and Katherine. "Are ye takin' amusement in kickin' yer faither?"

"I didnae mean tae!" Katherine said, immediately confessing, as she always did. "I was aimin' fer Alicia!"

"How is that better?" their father asked, exasperated by their antics. Alicia could hardly blame the man. More often than not, she was up to no good and often dragged Katherine along with her.

From the corner of her eye, Alicia caught Nerian and Samuel trying to stifle their laughter, and soon, she had to do the same. It was the first time in a long while since she had laughed in Samuel's presence, the first time the tension between them had evaporated enough to allow them to laugh together.

It was nice, at least partly. Another part of her ached at the thought that this moment wouldn't last, that the levity of it would soon disappear, replaced by that same tension that had existed between them for over a week.

But what did it matter? Samuel would be gone soon and Alicia would be left to ponder that night in the library as she waited for the axe to fall—for her wedding to take place.

Eventually, it will all be naething but a memory.

Nausea gripped Alicia then at the thought of the two of them becoming strangers. What if they never saw each other again? What if Alicia was sent off to Laird MacTavish and Samuel remained steadfast in his decision to avoid her, so that he didn't even attend the wedding?

What if this was the last time they were in the same room?

"Excuse me," Alicia said, pushing her chair back and rushing out of the great hall. She didn't even wait to be dismissed by her father before she fled, tears already stinging her eyes as she stepped out into the courtyard to take a breath of fresh air.

It did little to help. The world seemed to spin around her and she had to reach out and steady herself against the outer wall, the tears finally spilling from her eyes.

It didn't take long for Alicia to hear steps behind her and she turned to see Samuel there, pausing by the main entrance as he spotted her. She didn't know if she was glad he had followed her. She didn't know if she wanted to speak to him or simply forget any of this had ever happened; that they had ever met at all.

"Are ye leavin' because o' me? Because ye dinnae even wish tae be around me?"

She couldn't help it. She had to know the truth, even if it hurt. A part of her thought it would be better if it did hurt, if Samuel confirmed her fears and broke her heart entirely, so she could finally move on from this. But Samuel shook his head, walking over to her and gently taking her hand. It was a simple, innocent touch, but it sent a shiver through her and a wave of fresh tears spilled from her eyes.

"O' course it isnae because o' ye," Samuel assured her. "It isnae about what I wish, Alicia. I'm leavin' because me clan needs me, but perhaps it's better this way, it is what is proper. Perhaps it's best if we are far apart from each other."

"Why?" Alicia asked, trying to keep her voice from trembling. Samuel couldn't simply leave. He couldn't abandon her like this when she needed him the most.

"Because whenever I am around ye, I feel like a villain."

There was no hesitation in his voice. There was nothing to suggest this was only an excuse. Samuel truly saw himself as a villain, when he had never been anything but kind to Alicia.

"How can ye say that?" she asked, voice breaking before she could control it. "Ye're nae a villain, Samuel. Ye've done naething wrong."

"We both ken that isnae true," said Samuel, letting go of her hand. Alicia immediately missed the warmth of his fingers around hers, the tenderness of the gesture, but she didn't try to take his hand again. Instead, she fiddled with the edge of her sleeve, once again trying to keep the tears at bay. She didn't want to cry in front of him; to appear so weak.

"Ye're the only one who thinks any o' it was wrong," Alicia insisted. "I dinnae. Why willnae ye listen?"

"If others kent about this, they, too, would find it wrong," Samuel said. As he spoke, he even took a step back from her, as though he remembered that he was trying to keep his distance, both literally and metaphorically. "Even if ye think there is naething wrong about this, everyone else will. I dae. I think it's wrong."

It was that which convinced Alicia there was no point in arguing with Samuel about this. If he saw himself as a villain, a monster, simply because they had come closer than either of them expected, then he would never listen to her. He would never believe this was something she truly wanted, that she knew well enough to decide for herself.

It was yet another decision made for her by someone else. Alicia was used to it by then; first the marriage, and now this, the two greatest choices torn from her among a sea of others. It didn't matter how hard she tried to take control of her life, doing as she pleased even as she knew she would get in trouble for it. When it truly mattered, she was powerless.

"I understand," she said, taking a step back, as well. Now they stood so far apart that they couldn't even reach for each other. "I wish ye safe travels, then."

She didn't want Samuel to see just how heartbroken he had left her, but naturally, there was no avoiding it. Her eyes still stung and felt swollen, and Alicia was certain her face was covered in a blotchy redness, as it always was when she cried. From the raw, hurt look in Samuel's eyes, she could tell he understood how she felt—perhaps even shared some of her pain.

It seemed to be a pattern, she thought, one of them fleeing the room, those days. Now, it was her turn to flee, heading back into the castle and to her chambers rather than the great hall, eager to be alone.

Time healed all wounds, they said, and yet time had not been enough to destroy the love she held for him; for that was what it was, love, plain and simple. So how could she expect time to fix her heartbreak?