Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

S amuel closed the door to his chambers and leaned against it, heaving. He had run all the way there from the library as though he was being chased, not stopping until he was behind the safety of his walls.

What was I thinkin'? How could I have done this?

He should have known he wouldn't be able control himself. At first, he had genuinely wished to help Alicia, to alleviate some of her fears, but then the conversation had quickly devolved into something entirely different, something inappropriate.

She was so beautiful, draped there over the couch in the soft glow of the candles, her dark hair falling in waves over her shoulders, her porcelain skin shimmering as if with a light of its own. He couldn't stop it. From the moment he began to speak, he imagined it; Alicia, just as radiant as she was in that moment, spread underneath him, crying out in pleasure as he kissed and touched every inch of her body. He had given her the best-case scenario. He had told her what he would have done to her if she were his, though he knew not all men would show her the same care.

He didn't want to frighten her any more than she already was. And once he began imagining it, he couldn't stop.

There was no way he could have stayed in that room without embarrassing himself. Under his kilt, his manhood was still hard, straining against his thigh, and the need to relieve himself was almost overwhelming. He reached under the kilt, hand wrapping around the base, but then only held himself in a vice grip, trying to force his desire to dissipate.

He was not going to do this. He was not going to pleasure himself thinking about Alicia. This was a girl he had seen grow up. He was simply confused, he told himself, because now he found himself in front of a woman instead of a girl.

Once he had himself a little more under control, he undressed and slipped into bed, cursing under his breath. His stomach churned at the thought of what he had almost done, nausea gripping him as the guilt washed over him. At the same time, every flash of that conversation in his mind had his manhood stirring with interest, his traitorous body refusing to back down.

There was only one thing he could do; he would simply have to avoid Alicia until those feelings faded.

A warm body pressed up against Samuel, soft and lithe. His hand found the swell of a breast, fingers rolling and pinching the hardened nipple to draw a sweet moan out of a long, pale throat. Dark strands of hair were draped over that glowing skin and Samuel pushed them gently back, revealing Alicia's breasts entirely as he rolled her on her back.

Smiling at him, Alicia went easily, legs parting to let him settle between them. Samuel smiled, too, hands caressing her thighs and sweeping only for a moment over her mound before moving back up her body to cradle her breasts.

He wanted to tease her. He wanted to show her just how good this could feel.

He couldn't help but stare as his hands massaged and stroked her breasts, those pink nipples peeking through his fingers. He leaned down and drew one of them in his mouth, teeth grazing gently over the peak, and Alicia arched beautifully against his mouth, chasing the feeling.

"Please," she whispered, her body writhing under him, her warm, soaked opening brushing against his thigh. Samuel ached to taste her, to hear her moan his name as she fell apart on his fingers, his length. "Please, Samuel."

His name was like music coming from her lips. Samuel kissed her, slow and deep, hand reaching for himself. He was painfully hard, already leaking, and all he could think about was sinking into that wet heat, feeling Alicia's body part for him, letting him inside.

Samuel opened his eyes with a start, heart hammering in his chest. At first, he didn't know where he was or what was happening, but then reality sank all around him, bringing him back to the real world.

He was soaked in sweat, his manhood just as hard as in the dream, leaking against the sheets. The brush of them over his oversensitive flesh was a delicious torture as he rolled on his back, closing his eyes and clenching his jaw so hard he could almost hear his molars crack.

It was so tempting to take himself in hand and bring himself to completion, but he couldn't fool himself. The dream was still so fresh in his mind that every time he closed his eyes, he saw Alicia's naked form in front of him, shaking with pleasure. He couldn't claim to be thinking about anything else if he touched himself, and so he didn't, keeping his hands by his sides.

This cannae happen again. It can never happen again.

He needed a cold bath, something to cool down his body and bring his thoughts back on track. Then, he needed to keep his distance just as he should have done from the start.

Alicia already had too much to deal with, and though Samuel was not blind to the affection she had always had for him, it was nothing but an innocent childhood infatuation, one that may have persisted, but which meant nothing. Samuel was not going to take advantage of that innocence. He wasn't going to sully it.

What would Gavin say if he kent? How disgusted he would be with me!

Just as disgusted as Samuel was with himself, he thought. He would have his head, and rightfully so.

So began a week of masterful stealth from Samuel. He spent most of his time with Gavin and in those rare times when they were apart, he made sure to stay as far away from Alicia as possible. Every time he encountered her in the hallways of the castle or out in the courtyard, he swiftly changed course and headed the opposite direction, walking so fast that everyone around him began to question it, though no one said a thing.

It was obvious, of course. He was obvious. Alicia had quickly understood what he was doing and to say she was not happy about it would be an understatement. No matter how hard she tried to corner him, though, and get him all alone, Samuel would not allow it. He did everything in his power to stay away from her and he succeeded.

Naturally, his luck and skill could only take him so far.

It was late in the afternoon when he was taking a shortcut through the corridor near the kitchens to slip out to patch of open land right behind the castle, as he often did those days. Hardly anyone but the servants went there, and so he didn't fear running into Alicia while being alone.

Naturally, that was precisely where Alicia had been waiting for him.

A door to a pantry opened and a hand shot out, grabbing Samuel and pulling him inside with surprising force. Between that and his shock, he suddenly found himself inside that little room filled with sacks of barley and wheat as Alicia locked the door and stashed the key in the pocket of her dress—where she knew Samuel would not dare reach.

Clever lass, he thought, and then, I'm trapped now.

What little light existed in the room came in through a tiny window near the ceiling. The sky outside was quickly darkening, and the tiny, cramped space of the pantry was filled with shadows, each getting longer and longer as the sun dipped lower. The air smelled faintly sweet from the sacks, and a little musty, as little air circulated in the room.

Alicia, leaning against the door with her arms crossed in front of her, stared at Samuel in silence. If she expected him to speak first, though, she was not going to get what she wanted—not because Samuel was stubborn, but rather because he didn't know what to say.

What was there to say? There was nothing to admit; Alicia already knew he was avoiding her. No matter how much she begged him, he would still keep his distance. It was for the best. It was for her own good, even if Alicia didn't see it.

Tapping her foot restlessly against the floor, Alicia watched Samuel as he leaned back against a large sack of grain. Eventually, the silence proved too much for her and she asked, "Have ye been avoidin' me?"

Samuel thought the answer to her question was quite obvious, though he still had trouble confirming it. He said nothing and instead only sat there, barely meeting her eyes.

"Right," said Alicia in a rush of breath. "O' course ye're avoidin' me. Is it because o' that night in the library?"

Once again, Samuel didn't speak. He couldn't even if he wanted to, the mere thought of admission choking him into silence. He couldn't discuss that night with Alicia, or anyone else, really. If he could have scrubbed it entirely from his mind, he would have done so without an ounce of hesitation.

"Dae ye have naething tae say?"

The despair in Alicia's tone speared through him, filling his chest with an ache he could not ignore. Even so, he couldn't entertain the thought of allowing things to be like that once again. It was far too tempting and far too dangerous.

"Forgive me," he said, lowering his head, his own behavior embarrassing him even now, after all these days. "But this is fer the best, lass."

"How can it be fer the best?" Alicia demanded. "How can ye stand there an' tell me this? Dae ye nae care at all?"

"O' course I care," Samuel said, and this time, he forced himself to meet her gaze. "O' course I dae. An' this is why I must stay away from ye, Alicia. This is why I must never allow that tae happen again. Ye understand, dinnae ye? Ye must. Ye're a clever lass. Ye ken why I'm doin' this."

"I dinnae ken, actually," Alicia said petulantly. Her childish pout only served to reinforce Samuel's belief that he was doing the right thing. "Ye've never felt the need tae stay away from me afore."

"Things were different afore."

"How?"

Once again, Samuel fell silent. Admitting his true feelings would only complicate things further. Alicia wasn't a fool, nor was she so innocent, after all, as to not know what had happened that night in the library or that he desired her, and yet Samuel still believed some things were better left unspoken. Even as Alicia stared at him, impatiently waiting for a reply, he gave none.

In the end, she threw her hands up in frustration and turned away from him, fishing the key from her pocket to unlock the door. She fiddled with it, the key rattling in the keyhole as she pushed it in and pulled it out repeatedly, trying to turn it only to find that the door would not unlock.

"What are ye doin'?" he asked with a sigh as he walked over to her. "Ye dinnae have tae be so forceful."

"Ye dae it then, since ye ken so well," Alicia said, stepping back with a sweeping gesture that was meant to be mocking.

Samuel resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he grabbed the key and turned it—or at least tried to. He tried the other side and again, there was no movement. Next to him, Alicia bore a smug smile, one that did nothing to help with their situation and which only widened and widened as Samuel struggled with the lock.

"What did ye dae?" he asked her.

"I didnae dae anythin'!" Alicia said indignantly, stepping away from him and sitting on one of the larger sacks. "It willnae open!"

"I can see that!"

"How is it me fault?"

"Ye were the one who locked it."

Alicia scoffed but didn't grace him with a response. Instead, she only watched Samuel as he desperately tried to open the door, but naturally, it still refused to open. It was just his luck, he thought, the door breaking right as he was desperate to escape Alicia's presence.

It took him several minutes of wasted effort before he finally gave up and sat on a sack, too, wiping the perspiration from his forehead. The air was too stale and hot in that little room and Alicia's presence only seemed to make it even more oppressive as the two of them sat there in silence; a silence Alicia broke by asking yet another question Samuel didn't want to answer.

"Is it truly so terrible, what happened in the library?"

O' course it is. How can she ask this?

"What was so terrible about it?" Alicia asked when Samuel didn't respond.

It would be far more immature, Samuel realized, to remain silent than to explain it to Alicia. As much as he didn't want to have this conversation with her, she needed to understand just how wrong this was, just how far they had already gone without thinking.

"Ye ken I care fer ye very much, Alicia," he said. "An' this is precisely why I am stayin' away from ye. Even considerin' this is wrong. It's… it's…"

He couldn't find the right word for it. Wrong didn't quite begin to cover what it was.

In the end, he settled for the word revolting.

Instantly, Alicia's face crumpled, her lips quivering as she tried to keep herself composed. In the dim light of the room, her eyes shone with unshed tears and Samuel couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt when he saw just how hard it was for her to hear this.

"Ye think I'm revoltin'?"

"Is someone in there?"

The voice came from outside the door before Samuel had the chance to assure Alicia that he didn't find her revolting at all; he only found himself revolting. She flinched in surprise, her hand quickly wiping her cheeks even though the tears hadn't yet shed, and Samuel rushed to the door, recognizing the voice.

"Gavin?"

"Samuel? What are ye doin' in there?"

Samuel let his head fall against the door, closing his eyes. Out of all the people who could have found them there, Gavin was probably the worst possible option.

What would he think when he saw Alicia in there with him?

"The door," Samuel said. "It's stuck."

"Wait," said Gavin from the other side. "I'll have them open it."

Within moments, Gavin had gathered what sounded like a small army outside the door, all the men working together to unlock it and pull it open. After some hard shoving, the door flew open and Samuel saw his friend there, along with half a dozen guards, all of them frowning at the sight before them.

"Alicia," Gavin said, waving an accusatory finger at her. He didn't seem surprised at all to see her there. "What have I told ye about pranks?"

The guilt that flooded Samuel was now almost unbearable, making his stomach churn. Gavin had not even suspected him at all. His first thought had been that this was just another one of Alicia's pranks that had gone wrong.

"I'm sorry, Faither," Alicia said, quickly pushing past them all. Before she could get too far, though, Gavin stopped her and stared at her shoulder.

"Is that nae yers, Samuel?" he asked, pointing at the brooch there—the very same one Samuel had given her. "What have I told ye about askin' Samuel fer his things?"

"It's alright, Gavin," Samuel said before this situation could get even worse. "I gave it tae her. "

"But she canne?—"

"It's alright, she didnae ask fer it" Samuel repeated, in a tone that left no room for argument.

Alicia didn't linger. She took Samuel's words as a dismissal and left, rushing down the hallway, just as Gavin bemoaned the strangeness of his daughter.

The entire time he watched her leave, Samuel had to keep himself from running after her.