Chapter 27

The carpet would probably have to be replaced by the time Nathaniel left his London home. Unfortunately, he couldn't help his constant pacing, not when his mind was in turmoil.

Dusk had set in, but he had yet to allow the servants into his study to light the candles. He just wanted to be left alone while he dealt with his thoughts and feelings. Nathaniel paused as he considered the hope that had filled his heart when he left the house earlier to call upon Eleanor and hopefully speak to her brother. Richard had encouraged him until he felt he could take on the world to be with Eleanor. Now, he no longer knew if he had made the right choice.

That feeling of being hopeful and happy but receiving nothing but disappointment tasted bitter and felt terrible. Nathaniel had been prepared to accept some obstacles when he decided to see Eleanor. He already knew that Lord Egerton wasn't overly fond of him. However, Nathaniel had nothing against the young marquess and believed that perhaps his opinion might change if he grew to know him. Eleanor's brother had been the only true hurdle Nathaniel thought he would encounter when he asked to court her, but he had been wrong. So, so wrong.

He winced as he recalled drawing up to the Balfour home and seeing a carriage. He wasn't worried at that point. It was perfectly normal for them to have visitors, but he was concerned about disturbing them. Still, he had come all that way, so he had at least wanted to speak to Eleanor and invite her family to his home. He hoped that having them in his space would reveal more of the man he was and gain their favor. Nathaniel continued to have these thoughts as he jumped off his horse and approached the front door.

A few servants tending to flowers along the front of the house greeted him, but what caught his attention was when a maid came running around the house and excitedly informed them that Eleanor was getting married to Lord Langston—she had just overheard them discuss it. The woman was so excited about the betrothal that she didn't notice him at first, not until the other servants hushed her and informed her of his presence. The maid quickly curtsied and greeted him with reddening cheeks, which he barely responded to. All Nathaniel could think about at that moment was the maid revealing Eleanor was betrothed to Lord Langston. Still, he continued to approach the door because turning back and getting on his horse would have seemed strange to those watching him.

However, Nathaniel couldn't bring himself to see Eleanor, not after what he heard, so he left his card with the butler and returned to his horse as though everything was just fine. He didn't know what the Balfours would make of his intention to visit them, but it didn't matter anymore. He lost the determination within him to overcome hurdles just to be with her. Nathaniel no longer saw a need for effort, not when she was already betrothed to someone else. Richard would tell him to fight, but Nathaniel didn't want to be selfish. Lord Langston was a better prospect. He was younger and could give Eleanor more years, unlike Nathaniel, who was much older, a widower, and a recluse.

Sighing, he finally sat down. The room had grown darker, but he still didn't call for a servant to light the candles. He wanted to sit in the darkness and reflect on his foolish wish for a second chance at happiness with someone who was likely too good for him.

The door suddenly creaked open, giving him a little fright. It opened further, revealing his butler holding a candle. Somehow, the light illuminating his old face made him appear eerie and menacing.

"Your Grace," his butler said. "A woman is here to see you—Lady Eleanor."

Despite being hurt and disappointed mere hours ago, his heart leaped at the mention of Eleanor. She must have wondered about his visit, but she shouldn't have bothered. It no longer mattered why he'd wanted to see her.

"Shall I take her to the parlor?" the butler asked.

Nathaniel's heart still wanted to see her, but his mind warned him he would be a fool to torture himself any longer. He should just provide an excuse and avoid her.

"I feel that I must inform you that she's here alone, Your Grace," his butler revealed. "No one has accompanied her—not even a maid."

Nathaniel's eyes widened. "She is here alone? Are you certain?"

The butler nodded. "No one stepped out of the carriage with her. She is waiting in the parlor. Shall I assign a maid to her?"

Nathaniel heard his butler's unsaid words. He worried people might have something to say if they discovered Eleanor had come to see him unchaperoned. Nathaniel was just as worried, especially after hearing his brother mention that the ton seemed to believe Eleanor was a little loose of morals. Richard wouldn't give him the entirety of the rumors circulating around her, but they were still alarming enough for some panic to set in. She shouldn't be here unattended.

"I'll see her," Nathaniel decided, striding out of his study.

He needed to help her understand that this behavior would ruin her reputation. Now that she was betrothed to Lord Langston, she needed to put more effort into ensuring her honor wasn't tarnished by rumors. His heart suddenly squeezed tightly, knocking the breath out of him. He didn't like the thought of her marrying someone else. Nathaniel briefly leaned on the balustrade and waited for the constricting feeling to pass. One would swear a snake had found its way to his heart and was winding its slithering body around the pulsing organ.

"I am stronger than this," he muttered, straightening.

He survived his wife's death, and he would survive losing Eleanor. It might weaken him, but he was still strong enough to withstand it. He had to.

"Shall I bring some tea, Your Grace?"

Nathaniel jumped a little. He forgot about his butler behind him. "Erm, not yet," he replied. "Lady Eleanor might not stay long, but do organize a discreet maid to travel with her. I will not have people talking about her. Have the other servants not breathe a word about this to anyone outside this house."

His servants were mostly discreet, but he couldn't be fully confident about everyone. One of them could whisper something in another's ear, and before he knew it, Eleanor's visit to the house would be common knowledge.

"I will do so, Your Grace," the butler assured him.

He bowed and took off in another direction, likely to the servants' stairwell. It would lead him to the communal area much quicker. Nathaniel had a designated room where the servants could sit, eat, and rest if need be. It only seemed fitting, given they were on their feet throughout the day. The kitchen shouldn't be the only place where they could sit freely and enjoy their meal. He had only asked that they not take advantage of the room and cease to complete their duties promptly.

Nathaniel found himself rushing down the stairs toward the foyer. He paused when he reached the bottom step and scolded himself. He shouldn't appear so eager to see a betrothed woman—it wasn't right. Eleanor was likely there to inquire about his visit, which was unnecessary. She could have sent a note and left it at that. Truthfully, he was also angry with her. They had shared a wonderful moment while with the Huxleys, and he was certain Eleanor had experienced the same body-tingling and awareness that something special was brewing between them. Nathaniel's feelings for her were relatively strong by then, but that moment really made them blossom and revealed his heart's desire. He went through all of that only to lose her to another man. Perhaps he had been wrong to assume she felt the same way.

Nathaniel finally entered the foyer and found Eleanor smelling a vase of flowers. He stared at her for a moment, quietly drinking in the sight of her. Her curly golden locks were piled high atop her head, leaving her face bare so he could see every adorable freckle, a hint of dimples, and lovely plump lips. Nathaniel couldn't see her eyes, but he had them memorized—moss-green with tiny little flecks of gold and blue. Her eyes were rather peculiar but in the best way possible. They reminded him of faeries one often saw in faerie tales. Frankly, everything about her reminded him of delicate, ethereal beings. He wouldn't be surprised if she sprouted wings one day.

She seemed to realize he was there because she stilled for a moment before she turned to him.

"Nathaniel," she said, giving him a wide grin. "I wondered if you would ever come to see me. I've been waiting for some time. Were you busy? Did I come at the wrong time?"

She was smiling at him as though all was well with the world. She must be glad about the betrothal. Seeing her so happy made him feel worse.

"Have you lost all common sense?" he asked.

Eleanor's smile fell. "I beg your pardon?"

He nearly lost his resolve at her hurt expression but needed to remain firm. "Why did you come here unchaperoned? I've heard that some are saying unsavory things about you. Do you wish to add to those rumors?"

A look of relief loosened her features, and she laughed. "Oh, there is no need to worry about that!" she exclaimed. "I do not care what the ton thinks about me. They have always had terrible things to say about me. Well, I cannot say it is all of them, just a group of girls who seem to influence others against me."

"This is normal for you?" Nathaniel asked.

It didn't seem right. Eleanor was an outstanding woman who was far more beautiful than most of the women he had seen in London, not to mention more intelligent. It didn't make sense for anyone to mistreat her.

"Yes, quite normal," she informed him. "These girls have never liked or respected me. One more rumor about my oddities or questionable morals will hardly trouble me. I'm already a fallen woman, according to many." She shrugged. "What can I do? I might as well do as I please."

"But it's wrong!" Nathaniel cried. He was utterly aghast at how people treated her. "People shouldn't lie about you."

"The only opinion that matters is my own," said Eleanor.

But that wasn't how society worked. Nathaniel should really send her away, but he did the opposite.

"There's no use having an entire conversation here in the foyer," he said. "Please, come with me to the parlor. Can I offer you some tea?"

She nodded. "Tea would be lovely."

Nathaniel gestured at a nearby servant to organize a tea tray before taking Eleanor to the parlor.

"Have people always been this way with you?" he asked. "It just seems odd, given your background, beauty, and intelligence."

"I was a young girl when another girl took a disliking to me and decided to turn others against me," she explained. "I still do not know to this day why she did that. I suppose there are those times when you simply dislike a person for no good reason at all."

"I suppose, but that doesn't make it right," he argued.

She sat down and looked around the room with a slight smile. It suddenly occurred to him that Eleanor was in his home, and she looked right where she should be. Nathaniel's foolish mind took this further and imagined her as the mistress of the house. She would give his home a feminine and warm touch and bring much love and laughter to an otherwise dreary place. All this might have once been possible, but not anymore. Nathaniel needed to remember that Eleanor was now a betrothed woman, and he needed to treat her as such. He took the furthest seat from her without being too obvious about it.

"This is a lovely home," she commented. "I recall you said you rarely came to London, but this home looks lived in. I do not think a bachelor could have achieved this within several weeks. Your servants must have put in some time to prepare for your arrival."

"They are exemplary," he said.

She smiled at him and continued to look around the room. "I'd love to see the rest of the house," she said.

Nathaniel's eyes widened. Eleanor didn't seem to understand that she was in a precarious position by being in his house. While he would never harm her or do anything untoward, people's opinions could certainly destroy her.

"Are you truly not concerned about being in my house alone with me?" he asked.

Eleanor tilted her head. "Should I be worried? I know you would never hurt me. I would have never come here if I didn't trust you."

It warmed his heart to hear her say that, but that was beside the point. "It's not me but others you should be worried about," he pointed out. "I know you said you're not bothered by their opinions, but I am. I do not wish to hear anyone speak unkindly about you."

A soft smile transformed her face into something Nathaniel didn't want to accept because it put his heart at further risk. That look was the look of a woman who was in love, or at the very least, had some feelings for the one on the receiving end. Eleanor was looking at him like that, yet she was betrothed to another. She had to know that was wrong.

"Firstly, I am not surprised when people criticize me," she said. "What they say can be surprising, but I quickly grow used to the new rumor. Frankly, many would rather demonize me because they feel they can."

"But why?" he asked, growing angry.

"Because I refuse to capitulate to their way of living," she revealed. "I refuse to accept that their way of living is right. If they wish to be miserable, so be it. I wish to be happy and will do what makes me happy. Many people hate that." She laughed. "I suppose that answers why that girl disliked me so much. I didn't want to be like her, so she ensured no one accepted me."

Nathaniel didn't think his feelings for her could grow anymore, especially given the circumstances, but his heart still swelled with growing affection as he listened to Eleanor. She was strong, unwavering, and unwilling to compromise for anyone. That took courage and strength. Few people—men included—could be that resolute in the face of opposition.

"Your bravery astounds me," he admitted. "I cannot recall a time I have admired someone so much."

Eleanor smiled. "I have never found someone who makes me feel as wonderful as you," she said. "You treat me so well and make me feel good about myself. I always find myself happy around you and adore how you speak to me as an equal. I cannot settle for less than that."

Nathaniel stilled. "What do you mean?"

She had already settled for Lord Langston. Perhaps she meant that he treated her as well as Nathaniel. However, Nathaniel's heart didn't think that was the answer.

"That I do not want anyone else but you," she said. "I know this might be surprising to hear so suddenly, but I'm tired of beating about the bush. I have feelings for you, Nathaniel, so I'm here to determine if you feel the same way. I hope you do, but if I've misread your behavior, then... well, I am happy becoming a spinster. That had been my plan until you came along and swept me off my feet."

Nathaniel needed a moment to let her words sink in. He understood every word she spoke, but she couldn't mean what she had said, not when he knew she was betrothed to another. Despite this, he couldn't help what he did next. His brain simply stepped back, and his heart took over. He stood up, sat beside her, and gently took her hands. She didn't protest but looked at him expectantly.

"You do not know how relieved I am to hear you say that," he said. "I came to your house earlier today to express my interest in you, but when I saw Lord Langston's carriage and overheard a maid reveal you were betrothed to him, I grew angry and hurt. I couldn't help but turn away and leave. I cannot recall when I was last as jealous about another man at that moment."

Eleanor's smile widened. "I knew you were there for me!" she exclaimed. "I was just confused when you left without seeing me, so I came to see you. I wanted to know where we stood and if we had a future together. Also, I'm not betrothed to Lord Langston. I could never marry that man."

Nathaniel leaned closer and brought their hands closer to his chest. "I'm glad to hear that because I have fallen for you, Eleanor," he confessed. "I never thought it would happen again after my wife died, but here I am, once again feeling tender emotions for an amazing woman. I feel alive whenever I'm around you, and Richard often remarks that I am in better spirits. It is all thanks to you."

He was so overcome by the moment he found himself rising from his seat and pressing his lips against her soft cheek. It was forward of him, but it felt so right at that moment. Eleanor didn't pull away, but she did utter a soft gasp.

"Forgive me," he said, pulling away. "I feel I had to do that. Think of it as sealing my declaration of how I feel about you."

Eleanor's cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink. She didn't meet his eyes, but she nodded.

"I do not mind," she said. "I'm just surprised. It is my first kiss."

Nathaniel wanted to point out that it was hardly a first kiss, but he didn't want to push her any further. Eleanor was an innocent, and there was time enough to teach her about physical affection between a man and a woman.

The clock chimed and reminded him that she couldn't remain in his home any longer. The tea would have to wait another day.

"You must go home before your family wonders what kind of man I am to keep you here," he said. "I do not wish for them to dislike me, not when I wish to court you."

Eleanor nodded, meeting his eyes. "I understand. I shouldn't have come here so suddenly, but I was desperate to know how you felt about me."

"I'm glad you came," he said. "I would still be miserable if you hadn't been this bold, so I ask you to never change. Always remain just as you are."

Eleanor laughed. "Have I told you how glad I am that you accept me as I am?"

"I think you might have mentioned it before," he said, smiling. "Now, you must go. A maid will accompany you home, and I shall call on you tomorrow."

"I look forward to it," she replied.

Not as much as him. It was strange to think that mere moments ago, he assumed that he had lost her, but now he was planning to speak to her brother tomorrow. It hadn't been wrong to be hopeful, after all.