Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

" S elina, may I have a word?" Thalia was standing in the doorway of her sister's bedroom. It had taken her some time to work up the courage to come and speak with her. Even now, her voice sounded far too quiet and hesitant.

Selina, who had been sitting by her window, reading, glanced up. "Thalia? Is something the matter?"

With a sigh, Thalia stepped inside and closed the door behind her. Crossing, she perched on the edge of her sister's bed. She would miss coming in here, she realized. She would miss being so close to her sister.

"Selina, I have something to tell you. I am not quite sure how to say it. I'm…I've made a decision. But I think the decision that I am making is right."

Selina's face fell as Thalia spoke. Her concern was evident. She crossed to sit beside her older sister. "Has something happened?"

So much, Thalia thought. If she were to tell Selina all that had occurred, where would she even begin?

"I am so proud of you." Thalia fought back tears. She felt as if she had been crying far too much over the last few days. "And I know that you will make the duke a far better wife than anyone else. If you love him, I know that you will be happy. After all, that is what you have wanted."

She smiled. Selina opened her mouth to speak, but Thalia shook her head. "Please, let me go on. Otherwise, I might not be able to say it." She laughed, wiping away a stray tear. "I will see my little sister married – I could not be happier to do so – but then, Selina, I have to go."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't stay here anymore." Thalia took her sister's hand, pressing it gently between hers. "I have loved looking after you. I will never regret caring for you. I tried to look after you, in some ways, in place of our mother. And though I know you will not thank me for how overbearing I have been at times, I hope I have made some good impressions."

"You have," Selina said, her own eyes teary. "You absolutely have!"

"I am glad to hear it," she chuckled. "But you do not need me anymore. You have shown me that you are more than capable of looking after yourself. Not only that, but you are more than capable of going after what you wish for in life. You have inspired me to do what I need to now. I need to go, Selina. You will be happy in your new life, and I need to find out what my life looks like now."

"But you do not have to go!" protested Selina, squeezing her sister's hand. "I am not getting married! At least not to the duke."

Thalia blinked. She shook her head; she could not understand what her sister was saying. "What? Has the duke said something to you?"

Selina shook her head. "No. But he has not needed to."

"I do not understand."

To Thalia's surprise, Selina smiled gently. "I have realized that the duke does not have feelings for me. I do not believe that he could grow to love me."

"But –"

Selina held up a hand. "Now it is my turn to speak," she teased her sister. Thalia pressed her lips together and nodded for her sister to continue. "Nor do I find myself capable of loving the duke. I respect him. And I acknowledge that he has many of the traits that I wish to find in a husband. But we are not intended for one another."

"But how can that be? You were so eager to get to know him. Did he do something to ruin your image of him?" Thalia pressed, growing anxious. Had the duke tried something with Selina?

"No, no he has been a gentleman to me. But that is all he has been." Selina sighed. "If I am being truthful, I was never quite swayed by his attentions. He was always flirtatious. He always knew all the right things to say. But none of his compliments have felt sincere or genuine. I thought they would make my heart flutter or my knees go weak. But they did not. I felt almost nothing when he complimented me. But I pressed on, trying to feel something."

"If only," she added with a sad laugh, "to prove to you that you were wrong to dismiss him. I had fought so dearly to have you allow his courtship, that I felt obligated to go along with it, long after I realized that we were so unsuited for one another."

"But he never succeeded in stirring my feelings. He has never interacted with me with anything more than the kind of polite conversation that may be overheard between distant acquaintances."

Selina shook her head. "He does not laugh with me. Nor does he try to make me laugh." She turned to her sister, her eyes filled with a desperation that Thalia wished she could take from her. "Thalia, I wish for a life partner. Someone to see the world as I do, or to expand my view of it. Someone with whom I can laugh and talk freely, as you and I do."

Thalia was quiet for a moment. All the things that Selina had not found in the duke, all the ways in which he had disappointed her, Benedict had shared with Thalia. How often had he teased her and laughed at her astonished reactions? Had not his compliments to her at the garden party been some of the most sincere things ever said to her?

How could this man be so different with Thalia than he was with the woman he intended to marry?

"So, you see," Selina pressed, her spirits once more revived, "you do not have to go. I shall not be getting married to the duke. Nor anytime soon, it would seem," she added ruefully.

Hesitantly, Thalia thought over the new change in circumstances. This was different. Things would be different…

Or would they be? Her sister was still grown. She was a capable, intelligent woman. She no longer needed Thalia to look after her, nor should she have an overbearing sister haunting her every step. Selina was ready – whether she was prepared to admit it or not – to look after herself. She did not need Thalia to stay and do that for her.

There was, of course, the subject of their father. Thalia thought of Jerome for a moment. He had managed the estate before the passing of their mother. Though he was somewhat distracted at times, he was still capable of running matters. And, where Thalia was going, she could still help him out from afar.

So, he too, did not truly need Thalia around.

But if Selina was not marrying Benedict…

"I do." Thalia raised her eyes to Selina's. She forced the words from her mouth. "I do have to go."

Benedict. He would not be marrying Selina, but that did not mean that he would ever consider Thalia. There was no realm of possibility where a man like him – a duke, handsome, prosperous, well-liked – would marry a woman like her. She had seen a hint of the disdain with which people would look at him, should he take a spinster for a bride. She had seen that very foreboding condemnation in Marina's eyes when they had danced together at the house party. The dowager duchess would never allow such a match.

Nor should she. What could Thalia offer Benedict but a stain on his good name?

"You do not need me anymore," Thalia continued, pushing away her thoughts of the duke. "I am only in your way now."

"But I will still be unmarried," Selina protested. "You cannot leave before I am married."

Thalia bit her lip. The hurt in Selina's eyes was enough to make her resolution waver. But she reminded herself that she was doing this as much for Selina as she was doing it for herself. "And yet, that is why I must go." Thalia blinked away the fresh tears. "Selina, it is time that you were given the room to stand on your own two legs. You were right about Be- the duke. He was a far better man than I thought he was. I was wrong," she added with a gentle scoff. "I was very wrong about him."

"But you saw the potential in him. You saw the potential for love," Thalia pressed on. "And I only stood in your way. You know what you desire, and I have every faith that you will find what you are looking for."

"Selina." Thalia placed a palm on her sister's cheek. "I want you to keep looking for the man you envision. Though I know you are fully aware of the limitations of our position, I must admit that there is some method to your madness. Perhaps there is much happiness to be found in a loving marriage."

"Though I still insist that love can bloom over time," Thalia couldn't help but add. "And that you should not dismiss men too quickly."

Selina laughed, a tear slipping down her own cheek. Thalia wiped it away with her thumb. "Still," she added softly. "All I want is for you to be happy, Selina."

Thalia took a deep breath, letting out a heavy but nervous sigh. "And I want to be happy too."

Selina's brow furrowed. "Are you not happy?"

"I am, in a way," Thalia admitted slowly. It was perhaps an overstatement. She was not eager to leave her father and sister. This, truly, would break her heart. But it was not about Thalia's happiness right now. She would be leaving her heart here with Thalia and Jerome and…the duke.

She could finally admit it to herself. She loved him. She loved Benedict and now she had to leave him.

"And I shall miss you terribly," Thalia hurried to add. "But I have walked in Mother's shadow for too long. I think that I used my responsibilities to hide from the opportunity to make something of my own life. And now that I know you are able to look after yourself, it is time that I found out who I am apart from my responsibilities."

Selina was quiet for a long while. Thalia watched several emotions flick across her face as her younger sister tried to process all that Thalia had confessed to her.

"But what about Father?" she asked quietly. "You do so much for him, too. Will he be able to manage once you are gone?"

"He will be all right. There are matters that I can still assist with from afar," Thalia assured her. "But he is capable too. And it is perhaps time that he was reminded of that," she added gently.

Selina was weeping now. Thalia wrapped her arms around her younger sister, holding her close. But Selina made no more protests. It was time. They both could feel it.

Thalia stepped out of Selina's room, closing the door quietly behind her. Selina had asked for some time alone, to think over what her sister had said.

Sorry for the tears she had caused Selina, but still unstayed from her chosen path, Thalia stepped out into the hall.

She was on her way to her rooms when a soft thud from somewhere downstairs caught her attention. Thalia paused, listening. Just as she was convincing herself that she was hearing things, the sound came again. A little louder this time.

For some reason, Thalia's mind went to her father. Was something wrong? Was he unwell? Had he fallen?

Cautiously, Thalia started toward the stairs. As she began her descent, she heard more noises. There was a scuffing noise, like fabric rubbed against itself. Then, as Thalia drew closer, she thought she heard a moan.

But something made her draw up short. It was a higher, breathier moan than anything her father could make. And it sounded somewhat distressed, but not necessarily like the maker of the sound was in pain.

Thoroughly confused, something in the back of Thalia's mind told her to approach carefully.

At the bottom of the stairs, a quick glance up the hall told Thalia that her father's study was occupied. Even from here, she could make out the shadow of her father, seated at his desk.

She had barely time to register her joy at the fact that Jerome was willingly in the study – hopefully attending to matters of business – when the sounds came again. They were in the opposite direction of the study.

Rounding the corner, Thalia drew closer to the noises.

Then, to her astonishment, she caught sight of movement out of a nearby closet. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end. Thalia moved closer.

Then, through the crack between the wall and the all-but-closed door, Thalia finally spied the makers of the noise.

She pressed a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound of her surprise. There, pressed up against one another in a fervent embrace were her maid, Eliza, and the footman Thomas.

All at once, everything became clear. Eliza and Thomas' strange behavior that evening before the theater, Eliza's eagerness to return to the manor when they were at the duke's house party, and even the shift in Thalia's maid's emotions from day to day. They were caught in the throes of the highs and lows of love.

Even as she looked on, Thalia's mind continued to put the pieces together. Eliza and Thomas must have argued the day of the theater. That was why both servants had been so distracted and morose. They must have made up by the time Thalia and her family attended the house party at the duke's manor. It must have been Thomas that Eliza was so eager to go and see that day that Thalia was sick. And, unknowingly, Thalia had helped to reunite the parted lovers.

The two had done well to keep such an affair hidden. Thalia doubted that her father would approve. But, then again, Jerome was not the most observant of men. It would not be difficult to ensure that the earl was unaware of their carryings-on.

Eliza let out another little moan, and Thalia's cheeks burned. She knew she should turn away but, for some reason, she could not.

As she gazed on, Thomas deepened the kiss. Eliza's arms were around his neck and his own hands – which had previously been around her waist – began to roam the maid's body.

Thalia flinched slightly, remembering Benedict's hands on her own body as he had done the same with her. She remembered the heat of his touch, the fervency of his fingers as he kneaded and stroked his way up and down her.

As Thomas released Eliza's lips, moving to kiss the nape of her neck, Eliza's own hands began to wander. Slowly, they made their way to the top of his trousers. Thalia's eyes widened as Eliza slipped her hand beneath the band of clothing, pressing up against Thomas as she better-angled herself for what she was about to do.

Thomas' reaction was instantaneous. He groaned, his head flying back as Eliza's hand moved up and down inside his trousers. The footman's face was contorted in ecstasy as Eliza continued her ministrations.

But Thalia could not see Thomas. In his place, she was remembering Benedict's features – his expression of torment and delight as Thalia had stroked him. She remembered how that expression had set her desire ablaze.

Now Thomas pulled Eliza closer, his hands quickly going up and under her skirts. He wanted more. As he hefted her bare thigh up to his waist, Eliza moved with him, hooking her leg around the back of him, pressing herself into him as if she would meld their two bodies together.

Beneath her skirts, Thalia knew what was happening. She knew that Thomas had hit the mark as Eliza's eyes fluttered closed and a deeper, more feral moan rumbled in her throat.

Thomas began to move, his hips pressing into her as he guided her body from behind, his hands on her legs and lower back.

Thalia's body was burning. She knew what Eliza was feeling; she had experienced it. But she wanted it again. She wanted more. And the only touch she wanted on her body, the only man she wanted inside her was Benedict.

As Thomas and Eliza's movements grew more hurried and erratic, Thalia could no longer contain her own physical reactions.

Spinning away, Thalia fled to the stairs. Desire burned within her but, as she retreated to her rooms, Thalia realized that tears were coursing down her cheeks.

Her conflicting emotions drew her to her bed and she sank onto it, head in her hands.

She thought it had been enough to simply experience the desire and satisfaction of oneness between two people. She thought it had been enough that Benedict had shown her that new world, pleasuring her in a way she would never have known otherwise.

But now Thalia realized that it was not enough. Or rather, Benedict had opened up a door that should have remained closed.

She was angry with him. How dare he expose her to a world of such pleasure, of such deep communion, knowing that she could never again experience it? How dare he plant within her a longing for a life she could never have?

Thalia had been fine before she met the duke. She had been resigned to her fate. She had almost made peace with it. But now…

Tears continued to course down her cheeks, blurring her vision. She was so confused. She was so hurt. And all she knew, despite everything, was that she still wanted him. She loved him.

And it was because she loved Benedict that she now had to leave. For her own sake. He might look upon their shared moments as amusement or passing dalliances, but to Thalia, they had been so much more. She would never forget them. She would never regret what they had done.

But now, having tasted such forbidden fruit, Thalia would always want more than the meager slice of life that she had been allowed. She would always want more than what she had. And for that, she would blame the duke. For that reason, Thalia knew it was time to go.