Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

“ H arriet…”

Simon’s voice was gentle, almost hesitant as he said her name.

Harriet looked up at him. In normal instances, it would be most embarrassing to have the duke walk in on her in the midst of such an emotional moment. But right now, the dull ache in her heart overshadowed whatever embarrassment she could feel.

A storm was brewing inside Harriet. She felt emotionally drained in a way that she had never experienced before. Her bones ached from carrying the weight of unfulfilled expectations, tears stung her eyes and her hands shook as she tried to compose herself by holding onto the side of the bed.

Given such turmoil, it was no surprise that she did not notice when Simon walked into the room, or heard the door close softly behind him.

“Are you…” Simon’s frown deepened as he took in the state of her, worry staining its edges. “Would you like to talk to me about what it is that is bothering you?”

Harriet did not respond, except to let out even more tears. She had heard from her sisters that the first few months of raising a child were a very emotional time in a woman’s life. Spontaneous bouts of crying, all sorts of irrational thoughts.

The same was happening to her, it seemed. Which was strange considering that she had not given birth at all.

Simon knelt down next to her, to join her on the floor. He took out his pocket napkin, and extended it to Harriet.

“Here. If you’re going to cry like this, at least do so in a napkin.” His voice was softer than she had ever heard it before.

With shaking hands, Harriet took the napkin and blew on it, rather loudly. Once again, she would have been turned the shade of tomatoes if this was happening on a regular day, but right now, she scarcely cared about how she was being perceived.

“Better?” Simon asked.

She shook her head. “I am afraid that a napkin isn’t going to fix what is wrong, Your Grace.”

He leaned forward, his hand hovering over her thigh for a moment before it settled onto her shoulder. “Every problem has a solution, surely. But I fear that I am at a loss if you do not tell me what it is.”

Harriet clenched her fists, her knuckles turning white in the process. Her nails pressed painfully into her palms, but she did not so much as flinch. “I… I am not even sure how to articulate to myself.”

“Was it Tobias?” Simon frowned. “If so, I apologize really, in advance. However, this was one of his better first meetings with people. Usually, he has a hard time keeping his mouth shut.”

Harriet shook her head, “No.”

“Are you sure?” Simon did not even try to hide his surprise.

Harriet sighed, wiping the last remnants of her tears away. For a moment, she felt the duke’s hand twitch slightly, as though he wanted to be one to wipe them away.

But as usual, he exhibited remarkable restraint.

“I…” Harriet started, and Simon picked up on her struggling.

“Would you rather I have to guess what it is that is bothering you?” he asked.

Did she prefer that? He had never before expressed such interest in knowing her thoughts. Reluctantly, she nodded.

“Well, I’ll wager that it has something to with Catherine. It has not gone unnoticed how close you have gotten to her in a fairly short period of time,” he admitted.

“You would be correct to assume that,” Harriet’s voice wavered.

Simon leaned forward, studying Harriet’s expression. “But she’s quite happy. I know you worry about my brother but?—”

“No, Simon,” Harriet turned away, her sadness now turned into frustration. “This has nothing to do with Tobias.”

“I just assumed….”

“Well, it does not,” Harriet maintained. “Do you forget that we are married? That when I see Tobias interact with his daughter, I might feel a way that tears me apart inside? That I will never get to experience that, with my own children? Because my husband does not want anything to do with me?”

Her words held weight, and seemed to have had quite the impact on Simon. So much so, in fact, that he was rendered speechless.

“Of course, you might respond saying that it is unfair for me to say this. In some way, you would be correct. You warned me on the first day that this is what my life would look like….” the muscles in her jaw tightened, and a faint flush crept up her neck, coloring her cheeks with an angry heat.

“I am not sure where you are planning to go with this,” Simon interjected.

“I suppose I should make myself more clear. I… when I first married you, my priorities were different. I was never like my sisters — I did not aspire to have a husband, or children. When you offered me…”

Harriet had to stop for a moment to steady herself. Simon was eyeing her closely, unblinking, his breath caught in his throat.

She seemed to have succeeded in getting his full attention.

“When you offered me a life of freedom, one that is without marital responsibilities, I told myself I was being ungrateful by not being happy about it. My reaction, then, confused me. But now I understand everything. I understand that I was wrong about what I wanted,” her voice was barely above a whisper as she stared into the distance.

Somehow, she did not want to look at Simon if he was going to be dismissive of her feelings.

Simon did not reply immediately. He took his time to stomach what she had just revealed to him. His shoulders drooped, as he exhaled.

“And you know what it is that you want?”

Harriet nodded. If she had harbored any doubts before, they vanished now, leaving her with a certainty stronger than anything she had ever known.

“Would you tell me, or do I need to coax it out of you?”

Her cheeks flushed at the intensity with which he spoke.

“Simon… I cannot live like this anymore. I want a real marriage,” she admitted, realizing that this was the first time that she was saying the words out loud. “I want a marriage where there aren’t hundreds of miles between us. A marriage where we have a family of our own.”

Harriet expected him to storm out of the room, to chide her for even suggesting such a thing. But to her utter surprise, he reached out and pulled her into his arms, holding her close as if trying to shield her from the pain. Harriet clung to him, her face buried in his chest as tears began to well up again in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Simon whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to be the man who brought you pain.”

Harriet shook her head, her tears now flowing freely. “You haven’t hurt me, Simon. You’ve given me more than I ever thought I could have. But… but I don’t understand. Why can’t we be happy together? Why can’t we be a family?”

Simon pulled back slightly, just enough to look into her eyes, . “Because, Harriet, I can’t stay. My life is not here with you. It is back in Bath, where I must return. You know full well that I never intended on staying here. When this is all over, I must go back.”

Harriet felt her heart shatter at his words, the realization that he was serious about leaving cutting through her like a knife. When she spoke again, her voice came out hoarse.

“Is there something wrong with me that you cannot even entertain the thought of staying?”

It was her deepest fear — that something was wrong with her. That her mother had been right all these years, that she was different, not like her sisters. That she was unlovable.

“Harriet…” Simon sounded wounded, like someone had just shot an arrow through his heart.

“Please,” Harriet straightened her back, though composing herself seemed just as impossible as gathering water in a flowing stream. “If that is the case, then you must tell me.”

Simon held her firmly by the shoulders, and gave her a small shake. “Do not speak of yourself like this.”

She looked back at him, eyes filled with tears. “Then, what is it?”

Simon pulled back, and Harriet felt as though another wall had been constructed between them. He had a knack of doing this, pulling away whenever they got too close to another.

“It has nothing to do with you,” he admitted finally.

Was that supposed to make Harriet feel better? It certainly did not. It only served to deepen the hollowness of her stomach.

Quietly, he took her hand in his. “Because I’m not the man you think I am. I’m not capable of giving you the kind of life you want, the kind of life you deserve. I’ve spent too many years alone, too many years trying to escape my past. I can’t change who I am, Harriet.”

A fresh bunch of tears began streaming down Harriet’s cheeks, and Simon wiped them away with his own fingers.

“It hurts me when you cry like this,” he admitted.

“I cannot help it,” she sniffled, unable to will herself to stop. Her open wound needed more than just words to salve it.

Once again, Simon brought her to his chest. She could hear his heartbeat, it was faster than a running horse. He had never been this openly affectionate with her, or at all. It was a different side to him, and one that she would have appreciated a great deal, if she were not in the middle of such an intense emotional outburst.

“Harriet…” Simon started, and began to stand up, bringing her up with him. He adjusted the front of his shirt, which had been stained with Harriet’s tears and wrinkled, and then he cleared his throat.

“I cannot give you the marriage that you are hoping for,” his tone was measured, and he made a point to look straight into her eyes. “But I can give you something — something that might make this easier for you.”

Harriet looked at him, confusion and hurt swirling in her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“If you want a child, Harriet — a child of your own — I can give you that. I can give you a baby to keep you company, to give you a purpose when I’m gone.”

Harriet stared at him, her mind reeling from his words. She had expected him to reject her feelings, to push her away as he had done before. But this… this was something entirely different, something she hadn’t anticipated.

For once, the Duke of Atherton was… offering a compromise.

“You’re offering to… to give me a child?” her voice trembled as she spoke.

Simon nodded, his expression serious. “Yes. If that’s what you want, I’ll stay long enough to give you a child. And then, when the time comes, I’ll leave, and you can raise the baby on your own.”

Harriet felt as if the ground had been ripped out from under her. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing — that Simon would offer her such a thing so casually, as if it were a simple transaction. The idea of having a child — his child — without him in her life felt like a cruel twist of fate.

“No, Simon,” she said, her voice firm despite the tears that still clung to her lashes. “I don’t want a child without you. I don’t want to be left behind to raise a baby on my own while you run away to Bath…”

His face twisted with confusion. “I cannot understand you, Harriet. You wanted motherhood, and I can provide you the opportunity.”

“I want us to be together,” Harriet blurted out, feeling her heart ripping out of her chest. “I want you not to leave me.”

“I cannot give you that,” Simon replied, training his gaze to the floor as though he did not want to see the hurt he was causing her. “But my offer still stands.”

Offer. Opportunity. Agreements. She hated how he phrased these things. It made everything feel like a transaction — impersonal. Nothing that you would expect from a marriage.

“Think about it,” Simon said softly, his own voice breaking as he stepped back from her. “I’ll give you time to decide. But know that whatever you choose, I’ll support you.”

With that, Simon turned and left the room, leaving Harriet standing there, her heart shattered into a thousand pieces. She wanted to scream, to chase after him and demand that he stay, that he fight for what they could have together. But instead, she sank to her knees, her tears soaking into the carpet as the full weight of her emotions crashed down on her.

She was in love with a man who could never love her back — a man who was willing to give her a child, but not his heart. And as much as she wanted to refuse his offer, to tell him that she didn’t want a baby if it meant losing him, Harriet knew that the thought of him leaving her hurt more than anything she had ever experienced.

As she wept, Harriet realized that she was faced with an impossible choice: accept his offer and have the child she now wanted after having the experience of looking after Catherine, or refuse and lose him forever. Either way, she would be left with a broken heart.

Harriet did not remember when her maid came in, and tucked her into bed. She did not know when her tears stopped flowing. She did not know when she drifted off to sleep.

All she remembered was her grasping her pillow tightly to her body, whispering the words:

“I love you, Simon. I wish you could see that we could be happy together. But if this is all you can give me, then I’ll take it.”