CHAPTER 20

I sat upon the far edge of the bed, discouraged by its presence but needing a place to settle myself as I allowed Erix to speak. Considering how the firm mattress beneath me made my skin itch with discomfort, I hadn’t realised I fisted the sheets until my knuckles drained of colour. The last time I’d been here, on this bed, it was for different reasons. It took great effort to keep at bay the urge to slip into the warm memory. It called me in with its siren song, promising peace and comfort.

Erix hovered by the door. He paced, moving awkwardly with a body he was not yet used to. Longer limbs and the added weight of his leather appendages which hung from mounds protruding from each shoulder blade. It dragged him down, as though he carried the weight of all his guilt on his back instead.

The last I had seen Erix, he’d pleaded with me to kill him. He was frantic, and his behaviour erratic. Whatever had happened between then and now had smoothed out his cracks of sanity and given him, somewhat, a sense of humanity that he had barely clung to before. There was no denying he was different – more of his old self, and yet I still would be cautious.

Erix or not, he was a gryvern now – a new, mutated version of one.

“Say what it is you need to,” I said, staring daggers at him, mapping out every move. “I haven’t got time to waste on silence, Erix. And you can imagine, I have reasonability now, more so than you last saw me with.”

Erix came to a stop, lifting his steel gaze to me. All my confidence melted away as he regarded me. The way his strong face softened spread warmth across my chest, how his fingers flexed at his sides as if wishing for something to do – to hold.

“This was not how I wished for us to see one another again,” Erix admitted. “Truthfully, I’d come to terms with never seeing you again. Not that I haven’t wanted to, but because that was what you asked of me and I was ready to respect that.”

“What changed?” I asked.

Erix frowned, but only slightly. He fought to keep control of his expression. His face was almost untouched by his curse. Besides his ears, that were longer, and the grey sheen of his skin, it was mostly him. Erix. I focused on his wings to the drawn-out claws that protruded uncomfortably from his fingers just to remind myself of the monster he was.

“I recognised you were in danger, except I also knew you could handle it.” Erix lifted his chin, steeling his expression. “I took something important away from you, I couldn’t allow for that to happen again.”

I swallowed the dangerous thoughts that mingled in my head. “And I should thank you for saving Duncan.”

“You do not need to do anything you do not want,” Erix added. “Not to me.”

A lump filled my throat so suddenly that I almost gagged on it. Although my mind knew that Duncan was alive, it still took time for my heart to heal from the trauma that had taken tenancy within its remaining pieces. The physical grief that had attached itself to me was not so easily relieved. Even knowing that Duncan waited beyond this place for when I was done here, the feeling ebbed away from me slowly.

“After everything I have done to you, taken from you. This was the least I could do.”

“How does your conscience feel now?” Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I refused to let them go. “Are you satisfied that debts are paid, perhaps relieved that your sins have been cleansed?”

I hated how I sounded, but more so how Erix flinched at the heat in my words.

“You are angry, understandably.”

Angry, maybe before. The emotion that stormed inside of me was one I couldn’t place with a name. “I saw you, before the Draeic attacked, didn’t I? Back in Imeria. You were watching me. Stalking me. How long have you been lurking in the shadows, Erix?”

He rocked back, mouth parted, all without a sound coming out.

“You’re right.”

I blinked and caught a vision of Gabrial’s body ripped to shreds and bloodied ribbons by claws. My eyes fell to Erix’s hands, which he held confidently clasped before him. Had he been following me from Lockinge? Had he… killed her?

“The first time I saw you was in Imeria and Imeria alone,” Erix said, as though reading the accusation in my gaze. “I suppose it is best I start at the beginning. It will help you make sense of how we got here.”

Erix took a step toward me, his body language suggesting that he was going to sit beside me.

“Don’t come any closer to me,” I sneered, pointing a finger at the floor on the other side of the room. “You can talk fine from there.”

Hurt speared across his face. Erix stopped and dropped his chin to his bare chest. Muscles rippled like water disturbed by stone. “I do not wish to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“It’s a bit too late for wishing such things.”

I could’ve sworn I heard him swallow during the reverberating silence that strung out between us in these moments of tension. Having learned that Erix had stalked me, I was finding it hard not to convince myself that he was anything but Gabrial’s killer. It made sense. Erix had killed before – what was stopping him from doing so again? How much was the Erix that stood before me in control of himself against the gryvern that stalked his own mind?

“I remembered little at first,” Erix began, wringing hands before him. “But I am aware that my freedom, if that is what I can call this, started with pain. There was a time that I floated within the current of what I can only explain as darkness, pulled along by someone else’s will and guidance. Then suddenly, that was gone. Severed. I remember my mind becoming mine again, and it was terrible. Memories and thoughts, they all came back without reprieve. I could not explain it then, and I still do not think I can, but it was like that presence just left in a single moment. I no longer sensed him inside my head.” Erix knocked his fist into his skull as though his head were a door. “Doran was just gone. There was a period of time when I ambled through Durmain, unsure where to go, or what to do. Then I found Berrow. Berrow was like a beacon of light. I followed it. I came here without truly understanding why. Now I remember.”

I pushed myself to stand, unable to touch the bed a moment longer. Wrapping my arms around myself gave me no comfort. I wanted to demand that he stop speaking, that listening to Erix speak was like torture. Because it was his voice. This was the man I’d last spoken with before he left me to go to Doran – before all the hell followed that decision. His voice buried claws into memories and dragged them to the surface.

If I closed my eyes, I could’ve conjured an image of me with my head resting upon his chest. I remembered the vibrations of his deep voice echoing across my skin.

“Do you want me to continue?” he asked, softly.

“Yes,” I exhaled. “I do.”

From the parting of his mouth, I could see that Erix didn’t expect that answer.

“Berrow was so quiet. Peaceful, after a long time of my head being loud with commands. And then that all changed yesterday. Suddenly, the streets were filled with people. I saw Althea and Gyah and countless fey I did not recognise. I will not lie and say I did not look for you, because I did. Although I could not find you, your presence… it was strong among them all. I heard your name, clear as a bell, even as some whispered it. They spoke of what you did for them – freeing them from imprisonment, just like you did for me, although a different kind of prison. Those fey who spoke about you could have been miles away, and I would still have made it out among the rest of what was said. I knew it was not right for me to stay here, not with the reality of them finding me. I am sure Althea would have enjoyed the chance to take my head and give it to you as a gift. So, I left. I should have flown west in search of somewhere else to dwell, but there was a part of my curiosity that drew me to Imeria. Perhaps I did not recognise it at the time, but I knew deep down that you would be there.”

“And I was.”

“Yes, you were,” Erix said. “Over and over, I told myself to leave. I saw you with the winged woman and him. The Hunter. I saw you smile. It does not fill me with pride to admit that I stuck around longer than I should have. There were things I should not have seen…” Erix didn’t need to finish his sentence for me to know he had seen me with Duncan in bed. “You were happy, but still there was something lost about you. I recognised it in your expression. But I also knew that was not my issue to concern myself with. So, just as I was about to leave you, I watched as you got out of bed and left the room. Just as I did to you, Robin, the greatest mistake of my life. One that will haunt me for the rest of my days.”

I raised a hand sharply, cutting him off. “I’ve… heard enough.”

What I really meant was I didn’t have the strength to listen to the raw truth a moment longer.

“Please.” He reached out to the air as if grasping the opportunity to speak before it slipped away. “I know you owe me nothing but let me finish. That is all I ask of you.”

I gave myself a moment, trying to control my inner thoughts. Finally, beneath it all, I recognised the emotion inside of me. It was relief – relief that Duncan was alive but also that Erix had found his freedom.

“Why did you save him ?” I asked. “Of everyone in Imeria, you chose Duncan to save. Why?”

“Because he means something to you.”

His reply hit my chest like an iron bolt, striking deep into my soul.

“Everything,” I corrected. “Duncan is everything to me.”

Erix nodded, although I saw the pain and regret mix across his haunted expression.

“It was an easy choice to make. I was in the wrong place, admittedly, at the right time. No, it has not cleansed my soul of my sins or balanced the scales of justice. I did it because there was no other choice. My will is my own, Robin. This was my decision to make, my act – that is what is important. I do with it what I wish. That is what you have blessed me with. After everything, you gave me another chance and I have taken it.”

“You have another to thank for your freedom,” I said. “I didn’t kill Doran.”

“Then who?” Erix looked genuinely surprised.

“Elinor Oakstorm had as great of a reason for seeking revenge as I did.”

Erix’s jaw gaped open, exposing the slight points that each of his teeth had formed. In that moment, for the first time, his face looked monstrous. “She lives?”

“Very much so,” I replied, glad for the change in subject. “A lot has changed since you gave yourself over to Doran.”

“From those creatures that attacked Imeria, I gathered as much. I have never seen anything like them before. And the woman you fought beside…”

“Nephilim,” I said, glad the conversation was shifting this way.

“Nephilim,” Erix repeated, testing the word on his tongue.

“Have you ever seen one before?” I asked, reminding myself of the last question I had for him.

Erix’s brow peaked. “No, never.”

I tilted my head, watching him through narrowed eyes. “Which is strange because one of them was recently brutally murdered. We’ve since been unable to discover who would have the power to overwhelm a trained warrior whilst ripping her skin to shreds.”

Erix caught on quickly. He recoiled, both hands raised in surrender, raising the very points of nails that had the power to do such a thing. “And you believe that has something to do with me?”

“I don’t know what to think.”

No, I hoped. But the killer was still out there, and Erix had a history. Perhaps I was searching for a reason to hate him, when in that moment, it was the furthest emotion I had for him.

Erix dropped to his knees, hands clasped together in some form of prayer. It was the same position I had seen Abbott Nathanial take up all those weeks ago. “I swear to Altar and everything beneath him, I have never seen or done anything against these Nephilim. There is nothing you owe me, Robin, but believe that I have not harmed anyone since my will was given back to me.” He bared teeth, spittle hissing down his chin. “I wouldn’t… I couldn’t… never again.”

No matter how much I wished he was lying, I knew Erix spoke the truth. I sensed it deep in my bones as his honesty flooded out of him. That didn’t stop me from holding back my reservation. “Rafaela, the warrior I fought alongside, has the nifty ability to pass judgement. To seek the truth in places that truth wishes to hide. As much as I may believe you…” Erix’s silver eyes widened. “It is not for me to deem you innocent or not… she can if you let her–”

“I will do it,” Erix snapped. “I will do whatever is needed for me to prove to you I had nothing to do with this murder.”

“Is that everything?” I asked matter-of-factly, hung up on the way he referred to me when needing to prove his innocence. Other’s opinions didn’t matter to Erix, but mine did.

“If you are satisfied with what I have had to say,” Erix replied.

We stood there, staring one another down at opposite ends of the room. How had we got here? The thought was heavy with sadness and regret. If I didn’t start walking for the door now, I might never have gathered the courage to do so.

I spun on my heel, turning my back on him, ready to flee. That was the moment the back of a hand brushed mine. A wave of shivers passed from where he touched me, encompassing my entire body within seconds.

“Robin?”

I stopped moving, finding it difficult to calm my breathing. “Yes?”

“You did not need to listen to me,” Erix said. “It means a lot that you have taken the time to do so.”

Seeing the pain in his eyes, they revealed that Erix had so much more to say, and there was even more I wanted to hear. But I had to put an end to this, before the interaction distracted me from what waited outside of this house.

Erix, even now, proved to be the distraction I once wanted, but now did not need.

“I hope you find some solace in this conversation wherever it is you end up next,” I said, trying to keep my focus on the door ahead of me but wishing everything to look up at him one last time. “Rafaela will come in shortly to speak with you. Once you have proven yourself as an innocent party relating to Gabrial’s murder, then you have until sundown to leave Berrow.”

“I understand. Goodbye then, little bird.”

I took one shaking step and stopped again. “What has happened to the other gryvern?”

“We’ve… they’ve dispersed. Sometimes I still sense them in my mind, but the connection has been quiet for a while now.”

“Shame,” I replied, mind whirling at the new concern of protecting my people. “We could have done with them for the battle to come. Monsters to go up against the monsters that will no doubt find themselves on our doorstep again.”

“You really have changed too, since this all began.” If Erix felt shame or discomfort for me referring to him as a monster, he didn’t show it.

“I haven’t had the choice not to,” I said.

“If it means anything, the man I see before me is not the same one who told me he was frightened of the dark.” Erix drank me in a final time, turning his eyes from my boots and back up to my face where they settled. “I am really proud of you.”

My heart pranged in my chest, the feeling not as unpleasant as I would’ve expected.

“It’s not the dark that scares me anymore,” I whispered, forcing the words out before I could stop myself.

Erix fell into the question I had set up for him. When he asked it, I sagged forward with some feeling of relief. “What frightens you now?”

Just as he had, I allowed myself a final look at him. I glanced up at Erix, imprinting this new version of himself into my mind. We were so close that he stared down the arrowed point of his nose at me. His wings shifted nervously at his back, anticipating the response I had built within me.

“I’m scared to death of losing those I care about,” I whispered, turning my back and severing our connection. Only when the bedroom’s door was within reach did I finish what I had to say. “So, Erix. Do me a favour, and keep yourself alive.”

As I walked out into the blinding light of day to Duncan, who waited for me at the end of the path, I was certain I heard a reply.

“For you, I shall. Little bird.”