15. Chapter 15

After my unsettling interaction with Dyre and Sunshine, I retreated to my room and shut the door, locking it to keep anyone from bursting in and interrupting my solitude with one more fucking problem.

My heart was heavy. But I needed to move past that for now, to focus on something practical… like what that pamphlet meant and what we were going to do now. We couldn"t hide here in the pocket world forever. First of all, I wasn"t entirely sure how long the bubble of safety I had created would even last. And secondly, we were going to run out of resources–out of food, out of energy to sustain the beings in our family who needed other energies to survive.

Plus, I was just stubborn enough to be pissed about hiding. It felt like I had let the SA win. We ran away with our tails between our legs, while they carried on taking over the damned world, or whatever the hell their endgame was. It didn"t sit right. Yes, I wanted my new family here to be safe. But it galled me to just walk away and leave the magical world at the mercy of a corrupt entity hiding beneath the guise of a benevolent protector.

It made me wonder… how many other so-called villains or criminals were really just scapegoats for the SA? How many of their stories of great triumph and saving the day were just bullshit? Were there others like us in hiding, or rotting away in captivity somewhere, who were innocent, who had been made out to be the bad guys just so the SA would look good?

I rubbed my temples as I paced around my bedroom, my mind turning over everything that had happened as I tried to figure out what the hell I could do about it.

The warm charm of bone and stone that hung nestled between my breasts cooled against my skin as Elijah"s spirit flowed from the anchoring charm to materialize before me.

Right. Around here, locked doors only offered so much privacy. Elijah was technically always with me, and he and Ambrose had the uncanny ability to lurk in the shadows or the aether, being a little bit here and a little bit elsewhere at all sorts of odd times. And Hasumi and Aahil could both dematerialize and transport wherever they liked in the blink of an eye.

The only ones a door stopped were Dyre, Zhong, and Niamh… and they wouldn"t be deterred for long, if they really wanted in. Even Bis had a little doggie-door flap I had installed for him to come and go from my room as he pleased.

I sighed.

Elijah hovered before me in all his ghost-angel glory. His misty, see-through form was just solid enough for me to make out his high cheekbones and square jaw, the perfect line of his broad shoulders and tall, lean body. Glowing blue orbs for eyes, and faint, golden branches of light for wings. He really was something to behold, now that he was a bit more visible.

The ghost said nothing at first, just held out a flowing, see-through hand to me. I gave him a sad smile as I lifted my own hand, letting my fingers trail through the barely there misty coolness of his incorporeal form.

"You are troubled," he said in his soft, hollow voice. "Is there anything I can do?"

I sighed. "Troubled doesn"t even begin to describe how I feel right now," I said honestly. My mouth moved before my brain caught up. "I wish you could hold me."

Elijah was the first person I had met from the bestiary which held my newfound family captive. I vividly recalled the sense of annoyed, tired resignation that had washed over me when he first appeared and demanded that I help free the beings from the dusty old grimoire.

It was laughable now. I had known that righting my evil family"s wrongs wouldn"t be fun or easy. But I had thought I"d get it over with as quickly as possible and get back to my life, back to hiding who and what I was while I lived among magicless humans in the Planus realm, far away from my family"s legacy.

How wrong I had been.

And… I was glad. Despite all the stress and pain and messiness of it all, I was glad Elijah had appeared to me, guided me to that horrible book and roped me into helping. I had never realized just how lonely I was before. Just how tired I was of hiding, of making myself small, and of living without true ties to the magic that flowed through my veins.

It was Elijah"s fault that I got involved. It was the dead angel who had goaded me to do the right thing, even when I knew there were easier paths. He had been the first one to see me and believe that I was not like my parents and ancestors. He told me there was good in me. Let me believe I was right, that I wasn"t like them and that I never had to be.

Elijah had been a solid presence of confidence and support all along, and a bit of a moral compass when I needed it most. A colossal task for a being who was nothing more than mist and memories, a mere wisp of the man he had been when he was alive.

Elijah had been there with me through so much. And despite what I knew of angels and their nonsense about holiness and being the superior beings… there was something innately comforting and calming about my ghostly companion. What would it be like to be held by him? To rest in his quiet, solid surety for a while?

But saying that out loud was heartless. Of course Elijah wished he had a body too. He had told me before how much he yearned to be able to touch me, to hold me. I felt like the worst sort of asshole, bringing it up now. He was trapped forever in this in between state. Able to observe and comment, but never really do more. Stuck as a ghost until the last bit of his power finally faded and he was no more.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I wiped them angrily away. Everyone I knew was hurting these days, and I couldn"t do a damned thing to stop it.

"Oh, Andy," Elijah whispered, a cool, ghostly brush of air against my cheek as he pantomimed touching me there. "Don"t cry for me, my witch."

I shook my head. "I damn well will!" I snapped. "It isn"t fair."

He let out a sound, the ghostly version of a sigh. "I lived my life long ago. Yes, I died far younger than I had hoped. But if that hadn"t happened, I never would have met you. I never would have known what love feels like." Those blue orbs blazed brighter for a moment. "You"ve given me so much. More than you realize. Do not berate yourself for not being able to give me more."

I sniffled. It was silly, standing here crying over a ghost. But he was my ghost. And he deserved better.

"Let me hold you the only way I can?" Elijah asked, drifting closer.

I let out a sigh and nodded. I might not be enfolded in his arms, but at least we had this.

Elijah settled over me, his essence blanketing me and soaking into my aura. I welcomed him in. As always, it wasn"t a true possession. Just a bonding. An allowing. His ethereal aura melded with mind, and I felt him there, our feelings and sensations melded. He could experience some small taste of what it was like to be in a body like this, to feel physical sensations through me. And I could feel him in return. Feel his joy. His tenderness and love toward me. Even if it was layered over a bittersweet yearning that both of us ignored.

I wrapped my arms around myself as I perched on the edge of my bed, hugging us both the way Elijah never could. "I love you," I whispered. I didn"t need to say the words aloud. I knew he could feel what I felt, the same way I felt his emotions. But speaking words gave them power. It felt right to give my feelings a voice.

We sat like that for a long while, and I took comfort from Elijah"s unflinching confidence in me. He thought I could do this. That I could figure out all of my problems, help the others heal, and get us out of this mess we were in with the authorities. And for a moment, I believed it too.

When Elijah eventually retreated, flowing out of my aura and back into the charm that hung around my neck, I felt a new determination settle in my bones. I would figure things out. There was no other option.

I had Lovell blood and magic in my veins, damn it. My bloodline might be evil as hell, but they were also powerful. More powerful than anyone in the damned Supernatural Alliance. I had an uncanny knack for inventing new magic. I did it all the time, in little ways. I did it when I picked apart the bindings on the bestiary, a grimoire that was just saturated in powerful magic. And then I went and built an entire fucking pocket world and moved the entire Lovell estate into it. I did that. All on the spur of the moment. I was fucking awesome at pulling shit out of my ass when I had to.

So, I"d figure this out.

And alongside that conviction, a new, quiet and devious thought was forming in the recesses of my mind.

Elijah needed a body. I was one of the most powerful witches to walk the earth–sure, I needed some actual training to fully access my abilities, but still. I had a fucking necromancer with the vast power of a wraith living with me. Between the two of us, there had to be something we could do to help Elijah.

The ghost would refuse, at first. I knew he would. Even though he had long ago left behind most of his holier-than-thou attitude, he did sometimes have a rather rigid moral compass. And I knew he wouldn"t think that helping himself was worth the time and energy. But it was. It so was.

I was just going to have to embrace a little bit of that Lovell darkness to do it.

But hell, maybe that was the answer to all of my little problems anyway. I couldn"t be afraid of my heritage and my power forever.

Eventually I was going to have to embrace who I was.