Chapter 34

CHAPTER 34

I cling to him and cry.

I cannot say for how long. But long enough that my fingers have cramped by the time I compose myself. Long enough that when I peel myself away from his chest, our skin sticks and my eyes are dry. There aren't tears left within me. I have cried oceans.

"He… He…"

"It's all right." Evander smooths my hair away from my face. It clings to my wet cheeks. "You're all right."

I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear those words until they were said. Somehow, between the waves of guilt and nausea, the memories of Grandma, and the shroud of death that haunts me at every turn…there was still fear. It all happened so quickly. He was there, and then not, and then…

"Why…" I stare up at Evander, his silver eyes shining as if he, too, wept. "Why did you come?"

"You called."

Two words. So simple. Somehow better than every "I love you" that could've ever been said.

"Even after what happened?"

"Do you really think that would change anything for me?" Evander gives me a tired but sincere smile. "My feelings for you are not so fickle."

"I still don't know what I should feel about you," I admit.

"You've had a long night," he says softly. "Let it be, for now. We can sort it out later."

"No." I shake my head, pulling away slightly. His arms slip from around my shoulders, hands running down to rest by my elbows as I clutch on to him as well. "I have to know now. This long night will continue to chase me if I don't just know and settle it."

"Then ask what you need to ask. I won't lie to you or obscure the truth, I swear it."

I lock my gaze with him, hunting for any whisper of deceit. "Is the extension of the charm that the knights possess real?"

"It is."

A twinge of pain at that. But I ignore the sensation, pressing on. "Did you ever use it on me?"

"Never. Nor anyone else, for that matter. I am not a man who could gain satisfaction from coercing another into my arms." He has enough disgust in his tone that I believe him, especially combined with how the charm felt when Bardulf used it. Everything I've thought to be true about Evander, I still hold in my heart.

"Then you and I…" I can't finish what I want to say. But Evander doesn't step up to do it for me. He just waits, staring. Holding my gaze as I work up the courage on my own. As if this realization—these words are a line he's been waiting for me to cross this whole time. "Why, why did I fall for you so quickly?"

I'm all but admitting it now—this passion that I have for him is more than carnal. The need isn't just satisfaction, or trying to protect myself from the charm. It's deeper than that.

"You know why," he whispers. His thumbs gently caress me. "You just closed your heart to it long ago."

"These feelings are not because of the charm?" Another knot is working its way into my throat. I'm regretting doing this. I don't want to admit what's right before my eyes. What's been haunting me without my realizing for so long that it's now upon me.

"No."

"How can I be so sure?"

"You know how." He holds me in place with his stare. His grip has become comically loose, as if Evander is giving me the option to bolt should it be too much for me. And it nearly is. But there's nowhere I can run from this.

I love him .

"It's not possible," I whisper.

"It is." He dips his chin slightly, leaning forward. Not close enough to kiss me, but close enough to look right into my eyes. "Because I love you, too."

"I can't believe you." I shake my head. "I can't believe any of this."

"That's the fear talking," he says knowingly, with a glimmer of understanding in his eyes. "You know it's true."

I keep shaking my head. As if I can keep blotting out the realization that's creeping upon me like the dawn. I don't fall in love that quickly. It's been years since I even considered a man remotely in such a way. This can't be…

"Faelyn." He whispers my name with sorrow and pain. The roots of which I don't want to recognize.

"No," I breathe. "It's going to hurt."

"It will." Evander pulls me close again, kissing my forehead and temple tenderly. "And you have been through so much. I cannot ask enough forgiveness for all you've had to endure because of me."

I close my eyes and press my face into his chest, breathing deeply. The smell of his skin is still calming. The feeling of his arms. Even when his presence is the very thing that threatens to tear me apart…it's the only thing keeping me together.

He's asking for the world from me. And, yet, asking for nothing at all. There are a thousand thoughts and a million emotions that I don't want to recognize.

"Why?" So much wrapped up into that one word. There are endless questions I want to ask but can't bring myself to.

"Because you love me."

I pull away enough to look up at him. Our faces are close enough that I could kiss him. I nearly do. I should have, to prevent him from saying what comes next.

"Or…you did, once. What feels like a lifetime ago. You loved a foolish and naive young man enough to sneak out and meet him underneath the redwood tree to swear yourself to him."

Evander's face changes right before my eyes. In my mind, his cheeks fill in some; the stubble thins. He has much, much less muscle, and the streak of gray is gone from his dark hair. His eyes aren't silver, but blue.

The change is significant enough that it's little wonder I wouldn't have seen it right away. Especially since I'd be looking for a young man I thought was human and very far gone—possibly dead—in the body of a lykin man. But now that I've allowed myself to see it…I can't see anything else.

I raise a hand to his cheek. Evander doesn't move as I gently press my fingers against his high cheekbone, smoothing over the stubble.

"It can't be," I whisper.

"My words the moment I laid eyes on you in the woods that night." His control breaks. He pulls me close again, half situating me on his lap, arms tight around me. I'm unsure of what to do with my own hands. Do I want to clutch on to him? Or do I want to push him away and scream for what he put me through? "I can't believe I found you. That you're here, with me. I know I don't deserve you, Faelyn, not after what I did to you, but?—"

I pry myself away, the latter emotion winning. I glare up at him. My heart feels like two hands have grabbed it and are twisting. "Why? I waited for you. I wanted to be with you. You… You had my whole heart, Liam. If that's even your name?"

"It is—was." He releases me. A wise decision on his part, as I can't decide if I want to run and never look back, or kiss him. "It was the name my father gave me when he brought me to the Natural World to hide me. Evander was the name my mother gave me here, in Midscape, where I was…born. Back in the woods, as I told you." It's odd to hear him struggle with that truth even though he's lived with it for years.

I inhale slowly and hold out my hand, stopping him before he can say anything else. "Start at the beginning, the very beginning. Tell me even the parts you think I know—that I was there for. I want to hear it all. From you."

Evander takes a deep breath and confesses everything.