Chapter 6: Colt

For days I have been playing that kiss around in my head. I had no idea why I did it. But in that moment, it had seemed like the only thing I could do. I had wanted him. Wanted to feel his lips against mine again. And, fuck, it felt good. His lips were firmer, and yet, softer than fifteen-year-old Austin, but God, it was better than I remembered.

After he left that night, I swear, I could feel his hands wrapped around me. His heat having been somehow etched into my skin. I had let my guard down. Austin knew now that I wanted him, and yet, he had been doing exactly as he promised. We just talked about business. This was supposed to make me happy. But really it was starting to annoy the shit out of me.

I really didn’t want to kiss him again, but my heart was telling me to cut the crap. I could, hell, I wouldn’t allow this to become anything more. Ideally, I would be keeping my distance, but now that he was helping with the festival, we were spending even more time together.

“Colt.” Austin’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts, and I look over to him. I’m sitting opposite him at my kitchen table, trying to figure out the timing of the festival events, so that it is fun for everyone.

“What?”

“Did Mr. Smith one hundred percent confirm that he would be Santa?” Austin asks.

“Not yet.”

“How about Mr. Rodgers at the hardware store? He would make a great Santa.”

“Mr. Rodgers died two years ago,” I tell him.

“Really. Oh, I liked Mr. Rodgers.”

“Have you actually gone back into the town since you’ve been back?” I presumed that he’d gone into town to get the new clothes.

“Not really. When Mr. Smith told me that I needed to get some new clothes, I got some at the same time as I was returning the rented truck.”

It didn’t even dawn on me that I hadn’t spotted the truck Austin had been driving. I have been so caught up in avoiding him. But at least that explains why he didn’t know that Mr. Rodgers had passed away.

“In that case we need to make a trip into town. I need to pick up some donations anyway.”

“Okay.” But Austin doesn’t sound so sure.

“We can go tomorrow afternoon. We shouldn’t be more than a few hours, so the ranch will be fine. I could do with some more food supplies, too.”

“Me too. My cupboards are also pretty bare.”

“Why the hell didn’t you ask me to borrow the truck?”

“Didn’t want to bother you,” Austin replies. “Plus, it’s your truck.”

“For fuck’s sake, Austin!” I swear to God, this man. “If you need to go into town for food, or anything else, then take the damn truck.”

“I’ve been thinking of getting my own,” Austin starts.

“Why?”

“So I have my own means of transportation.”

“We don’t need two fucking trucks on the ranch at the moment. Just use mine,” I snap, and wait for Austin to argue with me, but he doesn’t.

“Thank you. Now we need to get back to the festival,” Austin replies, looking down over the paperwork, and I’m not sure why, but this irritates me.

“All you’ve been interested in is the festival. We have a ranch to run as well,” I snap.

“I know,” Austin answers, still looking down at the papers on the table. “I think we should get the Christmas trees a day earlier.”

“Austin, I’m fucking talking to you, so look at me,” I demand.

“When you stop acting like a dick, I will,” comes his reply.

“I’m not, I’m just thinking about the ranch,” I state back.

“What the fuck is going on with you? You have been nothing but snippy for days, even worse than when I started,” Austin tells me, and I just look over to him.

“We kissed and you haven’t said anything,” The words fall from my lips unaided. I had been thinking them, but hadn’t meant to say them out loud. Now they’re hanging in the air between us, and I can’t take them back.

“We did, and you wanted to forget about it. Wanted us to be all business. So that’s what I’m doing. So, yeah, let’s get back to work, or shall we call it a night?”

Fuck, he’s being the most infuriating shit. Why the hell is he deciding to listen to me? I didn’t want him to fight for us, so why am I now so annoyed that he isn’t?

“Call it a night,” I tell him.

“No problem,” Austin replies and starts sorting the papers on the table. “See you in the morning. I’ve been checking the forecast and it looks like the temps are dropping again tonight. Long range forecasts are pointing to a possible snowstorm next week too.”

“Austin.” Suddenly, I don’t want him to go. I want him to stay. Want to talk to him.

“Good night, Colt.”

Austin gets up from the table, walks out of the kitchen, and closes the door behind him. I have no idea what’s going on with me. I knew Austin coming back was going to stir up so many emotions in me, but I wasn’t expecting this. I swing from hating him to wanting to push him up against the walls to feel his lips against mine.

I have no idea what to do. My brain tells me to leave. Go find another ranch, away from Rustic Valley. Away from all these memories. I have the money Gran and Pops left. It would keep me going. I can start afresh somewhere. Away from all the memories that have been torturing me for weeks, hell who am I kidding, they have been torturing me for years. Yet, I know that I could never leave, which means I’m somehow going to have to fight my feelings for Austin. Fight the attraction that is burning deep in my soul for this man. Time, I just need to give myself time.

Austin had been right; the temperature had dropped overnight, and I knew that the water buckets for the animals would have frozen. Forgoing my shower, I made myself a quick breakfast and headed out. Some alone time out on the ranch was just what I needed this morning.

The air was still cold, so cold that I could see my breath hanging in wisps as I made my way over to the first paddock. The coldness filled my lungs, and I loved it. Some people like summer with all the heat. Me, I like winter. The dark nights, the crisp mornings where frost would hang on the grass like a thousand diamonds, and the crunch of the leaves under your feet. There was something almost magical about it.

I still need to meet Austin at the ranch house at four, and so I have about an hour left. It would be good to take out some of my pent-up aggression on the ice. It wouldn’t be thick this morning, but it would still feel good to break it. Getting to the paddock, I open the gate, look around, and that’s when I spot him. What the hell?

“Austin,” Saying his name as I go over to him.

“Morning, Colt. Thought I would get a head start this morning. I’ve already done those paddocks,” as he points behind him.

“How long have you been up?”

“An hour or so,” Austin replies, but doesn’t offer any more explanation, “Do you want to start on the livestock while I finish this, and then I will come join you? Oh, I had an idea about the festival as well.”

“Okay.” But I keep standing there. Looking over at Austin as he breaks the ice. I had been right; it was barely a covering and with just a few taps of the hammer it was broken.

“Colt, livestock,” Austin states, looking over to me. “If we get all the animals checked, maybe we can pop into town earlier.”

I have no idea what comes over me, but instead of turning around and making my way over to the cattle shed, I stride over to Austin, stopping just in front of him. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at me. For the first time since Austin had returned, I really looked at him. The echoes of the fifteen year old boy were still there. We were still the same height at about six feet but being this close to him, I can see that I am broader. His muscles have become more defined, even in this short space of time he has been back. His hair was the same deep brown that reminded me of Rodney.

Austin is wearing his Pops’ Stetson again; I think he might have worn it every day since I had given it to him. I like seeing him wear it. It made him look like he belonged here. Maybe even belonged with me.

“Colt,” Austin whispers my name. His breath hung in the cold air between us.

Taking off my gloves, I place my hand on his neck, and run my thumb over his cheek, feeling the coldness under my fingers.

“I missed you,” I tell him. “When you left.”

“I missed you, too,” Austin replies. “But Colt…”

I know that I’m confusing him. Hell, I’m confusing myself. But when he had stood there giving me orders, it had felt good. Just like it had all that time ago, and I had needed to touch him. Needed to feel the warmth in my fingers.

Leaning down, I place my lips on his. Gently. It’s a feather light kiss, and I pull back before Austin has the chance to deepen it. I know what I’m doing isn’t fair. That the signals I’m giving him are going from one extreme to the next.

“Colt,” Austin says my name softly.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, and I feel a tear fall down my cheek, then a sob breaks from my throat, and I’m crying, the emotions finally getting the better of me. Austin wraps his arms around me and just holds me as I cry into his shoulder.

“Talk to me Colt, please?” Austin asks, and I can feel his arm run up and down my back for a moment. Trying to comfort me.

“I hated you,” I tell him, the words finally coming out. “For years. I thought I was over you, and then you stormed back in here, looking as sexy as ever, and everything came flooding back.”

I need to stop. I need to walk away. Need to put that distance back between us. If I stay here, I’m only going to end up getting hurt again, but it feels so good to be wrapped in Austin embrace, and to feel his whole body against my own. To be held tightly in another man’s arms. It has been a long time since I have been held like this.

“Why did you come back, Austin? Why didn’t you stay away? I was happy,” I ask him, even though I don’t really want him to answer, because even now, I want him to say he came back for me.

“I couldn’t stay away, Colt. Gran and Pops wanted me to come back,” Austin replies. “I had forgotten how much I loved it here.”

“What happens now? How do I move on?”

“Colt, we don’t move on,” Austin replies gently.

Those were not the words that I wanted to hear, and I try to take a step back out of Austin’s embrace, but he just holds me tighter.

“We cannot forget the past or the pain I caused you. What we need to do is start again. I know that we can be friends again,” Austin continues. “Build that trust again.”

“Until you leave again,” I say to him.

“Colt,” Austin says, as he pushes me away from him, and looks me in the eyes. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“But in a year.”

“I can’t tell you what is going to happen in a year, Colt. A lot can happen in that time. Let’s just concentrate on the festival, and the ranch, and getting to know each other again. Maybe we don’t have to be all business.”

“Maybe,” I say over to him, because that is the only word that I can say to him. Maybe we will become friends again. Maybe he will stay, but maybe he won’t. So yeah, maybe is the only word that feels right at this moment.