16. Lucas

Chapter 16

Lucas

“Okay, that went well,” I murmured to the empty kitchen.

Night fell quickly, between one snowflake and the next, swallowing the last bit of light as the storm raged on, and I flicked on the small lamp by the sofa. At least we were one of the lower cabins with electricity, although how long that would last in this storm, I didn’t know. I boiled water and placed it in the three thermoses I could find, then with that done, I bundled up to head out, needing to check how easy it would be to make my way down the mountain. It turned out I was stuck here tonight. The snow was deeper than I expected—a solid four-foot bank had formed between the road and the cabin, and it was still coming down hard. Ice clung to everything, and there was no way out tonight.

I stood there momentarily, the wind biting at my face, the cold seeping through my gloves as I listened to the trees crack and groan under the heavy snow. My truck wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was I. Resigned, I headed out to grab my charging bank, for what it was worth, the packet of M injury sidelined me, and the team gave me an ultimatum just before I left—they were looking to trade me if they could and, failing that, put me on waivers, which was more likely because I’d never pass psych tests for a new team.” He snorted a laugh.

“Were you taking the meds then? I mean, you were drinking, and they might have interacted and?—”

“No, the meds are a recent thing. I’ve always been… Hell, you don’t want to listen to all this.”

“I do. Go on.”

He didn’t talk immediately, and I waited, reaching out and touching his hand as I’d done in the cafe. This time he turned his palm and laced our fingers together.

“I’ve always been anxious to do my best, and when you get to the professional level, the pressure builds. Leading a team that I couldn’t make work the right way, I couldn’t let people see I made mistakes or that I was anything but perfect. And when I couldn’t handle it anymore… it all spiraled. Everything did.”

“I understand?—”

“The first year I led the Harriers, we went all the way to the Stanley Cup and won it,” Holly’s voice carried pride and bitterness. Clearly, he had things he needed to get off his chest, so I nodded, keeping my eyes on him as he continued, and squeezed his hand. “It was supposed to happen again. I was the golden child— my team was unbeatable.” His tone sharpened, frustration flashing in his eyes. “We won the next year too. I had Kai by my side, and we were good. And then it all fell apart—loss after loss. Kai got injured and decided to go home for Christmas. Suddenly, he met this guy from his past and left. Go married. Left me with all the pressure, all the weight. And I hated him for it. I hated that he was happy while I was drowning.”

“You never hated him,” I declared loyally. If there was one thing I was sure of it was that Holly wasn’t capable of real hate.

He took a shaky breath, holding up a hand when I tried to lean closer. “I made myself ill,” he admitted, his voice cracking. “I took all that pressure and fear and forced it inside.” I could see the storm inside him, the battle he was fighting just to get the words out. “My therapist says I needed someone to blame, some release valve, and that was Kai, which is why at the wedding I lost my shit. But it wasn’t him I was mad at—it was me.”

His gaze dropped, his shoulders sagging under the weight of everything he’d carried for too long. “I’m bi,” he muttered, his voice quieter now. “And all that internalized homophobia was swirling around, telling me I couldn’t have what I wanted. I couldn’t be who I was without losing respect—of the fans, the team, the management. So, I dated women, tried to block out the part of me that wanted you.”

I gasped as his words hit me like a punch to the chest.

“Me?” I asked. That was too good to be true, right? That somehow the one person my heart had fixated on was into me, too?

Holly let out a hollow laugh. “It’s fucked up, I know.”

I stared at him, the air between us thick with his words.

“You wanted to kiss me?” I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

“Yes,” he said fiercely, his voice rising. “But the thoughts, Lucas—they’re always there. And when I can’t handle it all, I crumble. I liked you. I wanted to kiss you at the wedding when I was at my lowest, and I ruined everything.” His words spilled out, raw and broken.

I waited, his hand still in mine as his words hung between us, heavy and raw. I didn’t know what to say. The man near hyperventilating wasn’t the guy who seemed untouchable. He was human and had been struggling for a long time, longer than anyone had ever seen.

“I wanted to kiss you,” I admitted.

He snorted with self-derision. “You don’t have to lie.”

“I’m not?—”

“Kai was the one I called when I hit rock bottom,” he spoke over me, and I fought the impulse to climb onto his lap and freaking show him I wanted to kiss him. “He and Bailey insisted I get help from the NHL-mandated programs on offer, although I just wanted to run and hide.”

“Bailey?” I felt a flicker of something inside, not anger this time, just… surprise. Maybe the Haynes brothers did have another secret between them.

You haven’t told any of your brothers about your decade-old feelings for Holly, have you, Lucas?

“Yeah, which just made me feel even worse because if he knew what I’d done to his brother?—”

“He asked me to be kind to you.”

Holly’s gaze lifted, surprised. “He did? Bailey’s a good man. I like him for Kai. A lot. That’s why there’s guilt… what I did to you…”

Without thinking, I released my hold on his hand and cradled his face instead. His skin was warm, his expression vulnerable, soft, and sad, but a flare of something sparked between us. Was it attraction? Or was I merely projecting what I wanted to see?

“It’s… a switch to see you like this,” I admitted, being more honest than ever with him. “To see you as… I don’t know...”

“Broken?” Holly’s voice cracked with a mixture of self-awareness and bitterness.

“No.” I shook my head, meeting his eyes, my hand still on his cheek. “ Human. ”