Chapter 4
“I”M SORRY, GO BACK. Did you say fifty-two missed calls?”
Her therapist, Marley, couldn’t hide the shock on her face in their online session. Hailey had been seeing her for the last five months, sometimes online and sometimes in her office.
She couldn’t talk to Gage because he thought it was something she should be able to fix overnight by thinking positively. Kind of like the weekly emails she used to get at work. They were just graphics that claimed all she needed to do to “fix her case of the Mondays” was get outside and have good vibes. What a shocker that didn’t cure the depression.
The disease was hard to explain to some people. Apparently, there were others that existed in the world that walked around actually enjoying life and didn’t feel like the world was caving in on them. What was that like? Then, there was pressure from all sides that made her feel like she was never good enough. She tried acting like everything was fine, and most people couldn’t tell anything was wrong with her. It was exhausting putting on a front all the time.
She couldn’t tell you how many times people’s reaction to her mental state was, “How could you be depressed if you’re always smiling and making people laugh?”
There was something about feeling like you’re at the bottom and not wanting anyone else to have to be there. If she felt this way and couldn’t fix it, then she would at least be the light in someone else’s day. She considered a conversation a success if she could make someone smile or feel good about themself. A total victory if she could get a few chuckles out of them.
But there was very little funny about this situation. Fortunately for her, jokes were a coping mechanism that she relied on to get through dealing with people. She used to be an extrovert but there’s something about making everyone around you feel better that’s just exhausting at the end of the day and makes you want to shut people out.
Let the coping commence.
“Yup. Fifty-two. In the span of a couple hours. He was literally just sitting there and hitting redial until he got my voicemail fifty-two times. What do you think the record is for missed calls in an hour? I wonder if I should reach out to Guinness. It will be one positive thing to come out of this.”
“Would it though?” Marley enjoyed giving the sarcasm right back. “What did he say when you finally called him back?
“Well, no one was dead or dying. And even if they were, fifty-two is still ridiculous. He said he was worried when I wasn’t answering because he wanted to talk to me about our dinner tonight. Apparently it was dead at work for him so he had all the time in the world to bother me.”
“He called you fifty-two times to ask about dinner.”
“Apparently.”
“Why do you think he did that?”
Was it really so hard for therapists to give their opinions instead of dragging it out of you?
“Well, I guess he was just worried about me because I stayed late for work and didn’t tell him I had to.”
“Hailey. That’s not worrying. That’s controlling and obsessive.”
“Well, what can I do about it? That’s just the way he is.”
“Is that the kind of relationship that will make you happy though?”
She sat on this one for a bit. It was actually Gage’s suggestion to try therapy to see why she was so sad all the time. It bummed him out and made him feel bad. So was she just here to make him feel better or herself? Of course, it wasn’t curing her so he didn’t think it was worth it anymore, but she started to depend on it to get through the week.
When he suggested therapy, she asked him, “What if the therapist says the problem is you?”
His response was … interesting: “I doubt that will happen. I’m pretty sure you’re just not trying hard enough.”
At the time, she wondered if he was right. Of course she did. She hated herself, so why would she doubt that something was keeping her from being content and eager to take on the day like she used to be?
It was something they had been discussing for months now. Her self-esteem was trash, despite any compliments she received from others. Of course, they were rarely from Gage. She always doubted them because she figured people were just being nice. It was hard for her to even believe her closest friends when they said kind things, which was often. Why couldn’t she feel that way about herself?
“I’m not sure I can do any better than him. I was single for over a year before I found Gage. We’ve been dating so long at this point it would feel like a waste to walk away. He’s in a stable job, has his own place. I mean, he’s a catch, right? My whole family loves him.” Hailey thought back to the phone call with her mother this morning after telling her about all the missed calls.
“Oh, honey, he has a right to know where you are. I think it’s sweet he cares so much about you and wants to know you’re okay. He can give you anything you want so why would you ever want anything else? You should respond to him faster from now on. Keep him happy! That boy will give me the grandkids I want!”
Hailey’s mom definitely had a tainted view of what a happy relationship should look like.
She was nervous about how her therapist would answer, but she somehow knew it would be more palatable than her mom’s response.
“Being able to take care of oneself does not mean you are capable of caring for others,” she said with a serious face that told her she meant business.
“But I can take care of myself!”
“That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve someone who wants to take care of you.”
“Dammit, Marley! Stop being right,” she said with a smile that brought one to Marley’s face. Success!
“It’s not about taking care of you. Although if you need it, a good partner should be able to. It’s about making you be your best self. Do you truly think that being with Gage makes you the best version of yourself when you’re with him?”
“Fuck. Well, no. But it’s our one-year anniversary today! That would be a messed-up time to end things. Isn’t love work?”
“Some people think it should be, and maybe it is a little. But, Hailey, you should never have to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. Your partner should be just that: an equal partner, your biggest fan, your teammate. You should be a unit that makes each other better because you have the other to rely on if you need them.”
She was silent for a bit after that and Marley loved making her think in the silence. She just looked at her with her bright brown eyes that somehow made her want to tell her every single detail about her whole life. And she did.
She knew it was true that Gage wasn’t her biggest fan, supporting her in everything she did. He wasn’t exactly excited or supportive about her leaving journalism so she could pursue a creative writing career, and he thought fantasy novels were for kids. And he never went to any of her soccer games. He came once and didn’t enjoy her “rubbing up on other guys on the field.”
Hailey didn’t realize slide tackling a dude was flirting.
Stability seemed to be the thing that drove Gage. He gave her crap for working too much when he worked seventy-hour weeks or more.
He did something in finance, managing rich people’s stock portfolios. Chugging espressos all day. However, this meant he always came home smelling like coffee, and she hated the smell of coffee. Don’t get her started on the taste.
She always wondered if her palate never grew up along with the rest of her body. She still hated vegetables, the taste of coffee made her sick and dry wine just tasted like wood to her. She preferred things sweet. But right now, she was realizing that not everything in her life was sweet.
“I don’t want to go to my best friend’s wedding without a date. I’ll be the only single bridesmaid if that happens. So why don’t I wait until that’s over? Maybe a wedding will have him thinking more seriously about us.”
“It could. Some people definitely get excited and lovey-dovey during weddings. But do you think you’d have a better time with him or without him?”
“I think I’d be miserable by myself. I just hate feeling out of place and singled out. It’s just too lonely.”
Marley paused for a beat to consider everything.
“If that is what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing, then go for it. Just remember to stand up for yourself when he does something inappropriate. You shouldn’t be afraid of him. You should be able to set boundaries.”
“I’m not afraid of him! I just hate it when he’s upset.”
“Right. Have you talked to him about your sex life yet?”
Okay, maybe she was a little bit afraid of standing up to him, but she just didn’t want to lose him. She was almost thirty and so many others from her high school class were already married off, posting about their weddings and their babies on social media. There was a reason she avoided the apps as much as possible. Parties just felt lonely without a partner at this point. Although, her friends on the soccer team were also single, at least.
“I’ve sort of brought it up. I’ve suggested we try making love instead of fucking like he does every time.”
“Is he still hurting you?”
“He’s just aggressive. He doesn’t mean to hurt me.”
“Sweetie. Whether he means to or not, he shouldn’t do anything you’re not into. You should be able to communicate what you like and he should be able to respect those wishes.”
This, Marley was right about, but she didn’t want to lose what she’d worked on for a whole year. Gage could be a little rough during sex and sometimes a little selfish. Coming didn’t always happen for her and he didn’t always make it a priority to make sure it did.
He’d just get so consumed by what was happening that he left his marks and then she’d be sore the next day in places that had no business being sore.
“Okay, I’ll say something tonight about it since we’re going to his place after dinner.”
“I like it. We can work on one thing at a time. If you’re really nervous about saying something, you can always have a friend on standby to come get you if you feel uncomfortable at all.”
“Oh, I don’t think I need that. I’m not afraid he’d hurt me on purpose,” she said without much certainty.
“Are you sure it’s not on purpose?”
She sighed. “No, I’m not sure. Can we talk about something else?”
“Sure, how about we talk about that guy you’re crushing on on your soccer team?”
She could feel her cheeks get hot and tried to ignore it.
“I’m not crushing on him. I told you we’ve been good friends since high school.”
“Whatever you say. How’s it going playing with him?”
She couldn’t help smiling. “It’s going great! He’s really good, and supportive whether I do well or not, and he even passes the ball to the women on the team.”
Not all the guys do that even though they signed up for co-ed. Gage would say they probably only played co-ed to meet girls and cop a feel while playing.
“Oh, so you’re saying he’s a generous teammate? You wouldn’t call him … selfish?”
She narrowed her eyes at Marley.
“I see what you’re doing and you’re totally misunderstanding the situation.”
“So, is he good-looking?”
She didn’t want to but she could feel her cheeks heat up, hoping she wasn’t noticeably red to Marley.
“You know you’re blushing, right?”
Okay, so apparently it was noticeable.
“What the hell? Okay fine, he’s very good-looking.”
She pictured Avery taking his shirt off to change at the end of their last game and didn’t realize she was smiling. His upper body was hard to ignore, much like his smile.
What was she thinking? Stop! Bad Hailey.
“Are you sure you don’t have a little crush?”
“Argh! Marley! Why do you do this to me?”
“Do what?” she said with a grin that brought a twinkle to her eyes.
“Make me think of another man when I’m with someone! It isn’t right.”
“Didn’t you talk about Gage flirting with a waitress in front of you at our last session? Why is it okay for him to look and not for you?”
“I … I guess because I don’t want it to be. I’ve always wanted those ‘only have eyes for you’ relationships where even if a supermodel was walking by my boyfriend would make me feel like I’m the only one in the room.”
“Does Avery maintain eye contact when he talks to you?”
Her mind flashed back to last week when the team went out for drinks after the game. She was having an in-depth conversation with him about the Phillies baseball team when the waitress came over to drop off his refill, bending so her cleavage was on full display for the table. Avery’s eyes never left her.
Too much time must have gone by because Marley spoke again.
“Do you think he’s interested, too?”
“No, I can’t imagine he is. I’m sure he would have said something by now. I’ve known him for years. Wait. What do you mean ‘too’? I’m not interested in him. We’re only friends.”
Then, she was thinking about the one time it was obvious he was flirting with her. They were on senior trip in high school when he was blatantly checking her out in her bathing suit and complimented her on it. She caught him staring a few more times that night, but she had a boyfriend back home at the time.
Sometimes she wondered how her life would have turned out differently if they were both single during those moments.
Marley brought her back to earth when she said, “You’ve been zoned out and smiling for the last two minutes. I was timing it.”
“I … yeah, I know. I was just thinking about … something for my book. And anyway, Avery has a girlfriend right now so it’s not gonna happen anyway.”
“Whether he has a girlfriend or not, your face lights up when you’re talking about him. Come to think of it, your face actually lights up when you’re talking about any of your friends. When you’re talking about Gage? You get pale and you look like you’ll never get to eat candy again.”
Okay, well yeah that sounded like hell on earth.