Chapter 21

WHEN HAILEY WALKED INTO her therapist’s office the next afternoon, she was just starting to feel a little better from the worst hangover she ever had in her life.

“Hey, how’s it—,” Marley stared at Hailey, taking her in. “Are you feeling sick? You look so pale! We could have rescheduled.”

Hailey didn’t answer right away and slowly made her way to her favorite chair out of the two options available. They were the exact same type of chair, black canvas high back without arms, but Hailey refused to sit in the one on the right. It just felt wrong.

She lowered herself slowly onto her regular spot and pulled her legs in under herself, tilting her head back until she bumped the top of the chair. The room was brighter than she would have liked, but the running water sound machine in the corner was helping relax her. There wasn’t much else in the room besides a tiny desk and a fern that was most definitely fake.

Hailey took a deep breath. “I somehow got more wasted two nights ago than I’ve ever been and I only stopped feeling like death like an hour ago. Now, I’m just tired and achy.”

“Geez, how much did you drink? Was this at that restaurant party you were talking about?”

Hailey picked her head up and took in Marley’s worried look. She had a reason to be worried. Alcohol isn’t exactly the best thing for depression.

“That’s the weird part. I only remember drinking like not even half a solo cup of lemonade with sweet tea vodka. I don’t understand why it hit me so hard. But, that’s not even the worst part.”

Marley’s eyes narrowed and brushed her hand through her wavy blonde locks, preparing herself for whatever was coming. “What was the worst part?”

“I slept with Scott.”

Her eyes growing wider by the second, Hailey could tell she shocked Marley. She let the silence fill the room so Hailey would continue. Therapists and their tricks.

“It’s the weirdest thing. I got my drink and I remember dancing with a few other people from the restaurant. Well, it was like I closed my eyes and when I opened them back up, everyone else was gone except Scott. I looked around and was so confused how they snuck out, and then I saw that I was in a different room of the house, some bedroom. Then I realized my top was off. Marley, I don’t even remember taking it off. How did I get so drunk? I’ve never blacked out before.”

Marley tilted her head to the side, taking in Hailey’s story. She was definitely thinking, but Hailey couldn’t be sure about what. Was she disappointed in her?

“Do you remember what happened after that?” Marley asked with a lot of caution in her voice.

“Parts of it? It was so weird. It was like I was going in and out of consciousness. Like, one minute we were standing with my top off, and the next second I was on the bed naked. I just felt the cold on my skin, I don’t even remember looking down. And then he was on top of me. I’m never drinking sweet tea vodka again. How could I cheat on Gage? I’ve never done something like that before. I didn’t even want to.”

“Hailey, think hard for a second,” said Marley, and the scared look in her face confused Hailey. “Did you make your drink yourself or did someone make it for you?”

She closed her eyes for a moment and racked her brain trying to replay the night’s events in her head.

“Oh yeah, I started to, but then Scott took over for me. Why?”

Marley leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees and placing her notepad and pen on the tiny glass side table next to her.

“Hailey, I think he may have drugged you. That little amount of vodka has never hit you like that before, based on what you’ve told me. You’re not that much of a lightweight for that little amount to make you black out.”

She took a second to take in Marley’s words. They sounded foreign to her somehow. Her heart started racing and she was beginning to feel faint.

“Oh my God. Do you … how … oh my God.”

“Besides the hangover, are you hurt? Are you in pain anywhere?”

“My head has been killing me all day, but nothing other than that. Oh my God, what did I do?”

Hailey dropped her head into her hands to try to ward off the lightheadedness. It was not working.

“Hailey, look at me.”

She mustered all the energy she could to tilt her head up, but she still had her hands supporting it.

“You did not do anything wrong. The only person whose fault it is is Scott. You have nothing to be ashamed about.”

Tears started falling down Hailey’s face as she absorbed all this information, burying her face back in her hands. How could he do something like that?

She heard a suction sound and then a door shutting, before she felt Marley get closer to her. When she looked up, Marley was holding out a bottle of water to her. Hailey reached for it and was ecstatic to feel the cold against her hand. She immediately unscrewed it and took a sip before getting the cap back on and holding it against her forehead. She looked past Marley and only just noticed the mini fridge behind her chair.

“Thank you, when did you get a fridge in here?”

“Last week. Awesome, right?” Marley said while she returned to her seat. “Now just breathe.”

Hailey took some deep breaths and a few more sips of water. There was something she was confused about.

“I’m afraid I liked it.”

“What do you mean?”

She took a deep breath and felt a bit of shame at what she was about to confess. “He said I was wet. I have trouble staying wet for Gage. Why was I wet for him if I didn’t like it?”

Marley looked into Hailey’s eyes for a moment in deep thought and then she crossed the room to a bookshelf over her desk. She pulled a book down and then handed it over to Hailey before going back to her seat.

Hailey examined the pink cover for a moment. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. “What’s this?”

“You can borrow it if you want. But, there is a chapter in there that explains why you don’t have to worry about that. I’m pretty sure there’s a bookmark in there or I highlighted the table of contents, but what I do remember is there is only a ten percent overlap for women when it comes to our genital response versus our subjective arousal.”

Hailey was too tired for a science lesson. “What does that mean?”

“Okay, so imagine there is a part of you that is sometimes aroused or turned on and there is a part of you that creates that moisture in your vagina. Those two things hardly ever overlap. Only ten percent of the time. So, just because you’re wet does not mean you are turned on. And just because you are turned on does not mean you are wet. There have even been women who orgasm during rape, but that still doesn’t mean they enjoyed it. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

What the fuuuuuuuck?

“But, that goes against pretty much everything I’ve been taught, every romance novel I’ve ever read.”

“Well romance novels aren’t supposed to be realistic, they’re supposed to be sexy. Same reason characters hardly ever wash their hands before cooking or pee after sex like you’re supposed to. That’s not really the kind of stuff readers enjoy.”

Well, shit. It was like Hailey had just dropped a hundred-pound weight off her shoulders. She let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

“Okay, then. That makes me feel better at least.”

“Now, the question is do you want to do something about it?”

“Do something? Like what?”

“You could report him at work.”

“It was his going away party. He left the state yesterday.”

“Right. You said that. Do you think you need to go to the hospital or your doctor and get tested for STDs?”

“Son of a bitch. I don’t even know if he wore a condom! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.”

“Okay, so let’s start with that. Make an appointment and get tested just to rule that out so you’re not worried about it.”

“What am I going to tell Gage?”

At this, Marley sat up straight and gave Hailey a worried look.

“You tell him the truth. Remember, you did nothing wrong. You were unconscious half the time. He can’t blame you for this.”

Hailey’s first thought was that he’d find a way.

———————————

After a much needed nap when she got home, Hailey didn’t wake up until around midnight. She was starving and a little lightheaded so she grabbed a string cheese and a glass of water before getting back into bed and grabbing a romance book off her nightstand to read until she drifted back to sleep. Hailey woke up the next morning groggy with her mouth feeling as dry as a desert. She couldn’t wait until tonight when it would be time for bed again. That’s how she felt most mornings, but today she really didn’t want to leave the comfort of her bed at all.

She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and saw she had a text from Avery.

AVERY:One of my kids was wearing this shirt at a house visit today and I asked them if I could take a picture of it just to show you.

The picture was cropped and just showed the image on the front of the shirt. He definitely couldn’t send a picture of the kid’s face. It was Super Mario walking Pikachu on a leash, and it was the first time Hailey smiled in days.

HAILEY: You have no idea how much I needed that

AVERY:Why, what’s wrong? You okay?

HAILEY:It’s a long story and I’m still processing it, but I’m okay. Thanks

AVERY: I’m here if you need me. We could go grab a drink if you want to talk about it. Or ice cream, or kick the ball around… whatever you need.

The fact that Avery knew the ways to make her feel better did not escape her.

Hailey didn’t want to tell Avery before she told Gage. She technically was still in a relationship and it just felt inappropriate to talk to him about it just yet, if at all. What would he think of her? She decided the best thing to do was to go to Gage’s house and tell him what happened. This wasn’t something you say over text or on the phone.

Hailey showered and scrubbed extra hard everywhere. It was a miracle she still had skin. Afterward, she put on her softest leggings and a hoodie and then put her hair up in a messy bun. She needed comfort clothes. Any kind of comfort she could get. She forced herself to eat something, despite losing her appetite. A banana was all she could stomach. She made her way out the door and hopped in her car.

This was the day of the week where Gage was able to work from home so she knew he’d be around.

She pulled up along the street in front of Gage’s house and stayed in the car for a moment. She took a deep breath before chanting, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” This was not going to be an easy conversation. All she could do was hope Gage could take it well. Things weren’t great between them and she was looking for a way out, but she couldn’t shake this feeling she did something wrong. She got out of the car and made a slow trek up to his porch and opened the door that Gage rarely ever locked until he went to bed. The confidence of men astounded her sometimes.

When she got through the doorway, she froze. All Hailey could hear was the sound of a woman moaning and she suddenly felt lightheaded. Fuck it, she had to find out what was going on because she was just done with this day.

She walked down the hallway toward the living room off his kitchen and peeked around the corner to see what she was about to walk into. Gage was watching some girl-on-girl porn while jerking off on the couch.

Okay, that could have been worse, but this certainly isn’t a good segue.

“So, this is what you do when you bring your work home with you?”

Gage jumped off the couch in shock and his eyes darted from Hailey, to the TV, then back to his dick. Then he did something Hailey did not expect. He smiled.

“You want to finish me off?”

Hailey felt bile rising in her throat but managed to keep it down.

“No, sorry. But I need to talk to you and it’s important.”

It seemed like he finally took in Hailey’s appearance. She was still a little pale and had bags under her eyes. He rushed for the remote to turn off the TV, and then he stuffed himself back into his pants. At least he was taking her seriously.

“Are you sick? Why’d you come over to get me sick? You look like hell. Oh my God, you’re not pregnant are you?”

Hailey just stared at him for a moment and blinked a few times trying to understand his reaction. She decided to plow through.

“I’m not pregnant and I’m not sick. Can we sit down?”

Gage remained silent for a second as he sat back on the couch, moving his box of tissues back to the end table. What a charmer.

“So, um. Geez, where do I start?”

“Is this about last weekend?” He took a deep sigh and looked away. Hailey just sat there in confusion.

“Look, it was just a strip club. You can’t not get a lap dance when you go to a strip club.”

He really wasn’t making this easy. And she was getting closer and closer to being over it.

“Actually, you absolutely can go to one without getting a lap dance. There isn’t a rule. But, that’s not what I wanted to talk about.”

Gage remained stone faced while Hailey took another deep breath. She decided to just rip off the bandaid.

“I was drugged and raped at the restaurant party the other night. I’m not hurt or anything, I don’t think. But that’s why I look like hell, I guess.”

He stared for a beat too long and Hailey was starting to wonder if he heard her. Oh boy, did she wish he just didn’t hear her.

“What the fuck, Hailey? You actually cheated on me?”

“Um, what? No, did you hear me? I was drugged and raped. I wasn’t even conscious the whole time.”

Red was starting to take over Gage’s face.

“Why would you get so wasted? God, I didn’t think you were a slut. You were probably dressed like one.”

Information overload. Was he serious?

“Okay, wow. Let me try this again. I barely had half a cup to drink. There were drugs in it. The drugs took away my ability to basically do anything. I was not wasted. And not that it matters what I was wearing, but I had on jeans and a T-shirt.”

“You must have been asking for it somehow. Who was it? You been sneaking around behind my back with someone at the restaurant?”

Hailey lifted her hands to stick her fingers in her ears to make sure they weren’t filled with wax. There was no possible way she heard him right.

“I haven’t been sneaking around with anyone and I definitely wasn’t asking for it because I was fucking drugged. Are you kidding me right now? Have you heard of the word consent? What am I thinking? Of course you haven’t.”

Hailey reached back up to rub her forehead. That headache was coming back.

“I dunno, Hailey. You must have done something for him to think you’d like that. Man, you owe me big time.”

“I owe you…?” That was it. She was done. “Are you fucking kidding me, Gage? I have been nothing but faithful to you and have never flirted with anyone while we’ve been together, meanwhile you check out every pair of tits you see and apparently you’re getting lap dances. But it’s not okay for me to get fucking assaulted?”

She stood up and looked around, confused at how this was unfolding.

“Hailey, come on. I know you’re sad all the time. This was bound to happen when you go out and get drunk. You always act crazy when you drink.”

“Did you just blame me being sexually abused on my depression?” Hailey let out a laugh that was anything but comical. “You know what? Every single person in my life thinks you’re bad for me. My depression got worse after we started dating. You make me feel like shit more often than you make me feel good about myself. You don’t even pay attention. You have never done anything thoughtful for me and you want to spend more time with your friends or jerking off to porn apparently than you do with me. I am exhausted defending you to everyone. There’s no love here. I’m all out. Love is 86ed here. You don’t even care about me in the bedroom. I shouldn’t have to beg for an orgasm, dammit.”

Gage just shook his head and looked down at the floor. Then he muttered, “This is too much work. You’re impossible to please.”

“Ya know what? You’re right. Maybe you should go for something a little bit more low maintenance, like a fucking blow-up doll, or a pie.”

She charged into his kitchen and grabbed a pint of cookie dough ice cream she had left in the freezer then she grabbed a plastic spoon from one of his cabinets. Like hell would she let him have it.

Hailey turned on her heel back down the hallway toward the front door. She could hear Gage shouting something at her but she didn’t listen. The slamming of his front door cut off his voice.

When she got in her car and started driving away, she took a deep breath. It felt like the first breath she took in a long time. She reached into her bag on the passenger seat, blindly grabbing for her chapstick to ground her, whooping in victory when her hand closed around it.

When she got to the end of the residential street, she paused at the stop sign and took out her phone after applying and putting away her chapstick. There was only one person she wanted to talk to and she didn’t have the energy to think about why.

HAILEY:About that drink…